Some Good, Some Bad, Mostly In Between

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Hello WordPress. Coming to you in my (very awesome) Fall Out Boy Bomber Jacket (I’m not walking around with this on, it was just for this pic), I’ve been more or less tired as of late. Mentally more than physically.. the days have really started to become blurs. Maybe it’s just the season, just the cold, but it’s a mildly oppressing moshpit of activities. Thanksgiving Week will be weird since Mary’s Gourmet be open Tuesday and Wednesday, which are days I usually spend reading and writing at home or at a park/coffee shop somewhere. Anyway. I’m an aspie holding a customer service job for nine months. Kinda crazy, but it’s humbling and a reminder of how far I’ve come. Customers are always telling me I’m such a wonderful presence, and that I’m always fast of my feet and finding solutions. Heh. Guess I blend in better than I thought I could. Or the gluten free diet is working. I haven’t been exactly GF though. I did order a gluten free pie from one of my favorite vendors at our farmers market for thanksgiving, so #Progress.

Registering for college next year. Now that my dad isn’t around to fuck up, I can actually get the school my tax information. Can’t believe he cost me a year, and way too much embarrassment. Haven’t really done anything school-related, which has allowed me to write a ton. Also, reading. I read Catcher In The Rye over the summer (hated it), but it was nice to have so much free time. It feels good to be writing, but not poetry. Been feeling down lately. Mostly upset with the lack of response from publishers about my book.  Blog views are down. Also having a hard time integrating at my Teen Arts Council. I was there last year but this year I can’t get there on time (work), so I miss about half a meeting. I felt like this year would be better, but I actually feel worse. I just can’t make friends. And none of the girls are interested in me. (Asks someone why). They’re gay. That’s news. I’m not upset, but it does explain the…I dunno how to put it. 

Been published twice in the last couple months on SpillWords….

http://spillwords.com/failure-for-all-to-see/

http://spillwords.com/dear-her/

Here’s my interview with https://mademoisellewomen.com

https://mademoisellewomen.com/2017/11/12/blogging-for-business-with-devereaux-fraizer-of-maryland-poet-blog/

You Were Meant To Know The Night Writing Prompt 

https://braveandrecklessblog.com/2017/10/13/you-were-meant-to-know-the-night-writing-prompt-challenge-devereaux-frazier/

Letting Go for https://tanyatale.wordpress.com

https://tanyatale.wordpress.com/2017/10/27/poetry-with-devereaux-frazier-letting-go/

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When You Don’t Know

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ashamed

don’t know what to write

I feel stronger and weaker

every single time

the world gets darker

hope sinks farther

and all the while I fail

at ever being normal

this obsession becomes regression

when I struggle so plainly

maybe I’m no good

maybe I’m no good

or maybe I struggle to do what I should

even when it’s in plain sight

struggle to stay within the lines

they pick and prod my mind

I want to be alone this time

but they don’t get it

some things can’t be quit

and they come back every time you cleanse

cause the only true cleanse

is the one of death

but who’s ready to do that

Sometime Long Ago

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sometime long ago

when the house was always hot

and I’d stare out the windows 

to taste the tip of a glorious breeze

or when the winter snows came

and I’d bury my head underneath comforters

and watch Jamaal Charles highlight videos

sometime long ago

when I was skinny, reckless, and angry

and I’d stare at the plaster pour

from the walls I’d beat senseless

until I was sure they felt as much pain as I

or when I had ignored my anxious tendencies

and my parents scolded me for something I couldn’t control

when I cried until my nose ran red

and I was sure I had a pussy instead of a penis

sometime long ago

when I refused to go out

I’d miss god, family, and the restoration of Jerusalem

if it meant I didn’t have to show my face

mu ugly, zitty, scar-ridden face

or when people would talk to me

and I’d just look away

hoping, praying, that if I ignored them enough

they would go away

sometime long ago

when I didn’t know who you were

and I’d spend my nights looking at women

I never should have known

I was like, six, and I just didn’t know

it’s okay to look at pretty women, right world?

I’m 18 and now I see

the pain of my past will always live with me

watching my father leave

friends leave

my world is always collapsing

 

now I realize

that sometime long ago

can be just that

if you close your eyes

let the scars burn

the blood dissolve

eventually the cocoon falls off

and what’s left is the most beautiful

butterfly anyone’s ever saw

 

 

 

 

Week In Review: Gluten Free Diet Update and (Finally) Some Goods News Regarding Publication

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Now that my busy weekend of work is over, I can catch you all up on what’s been going on with this side of the internet…

-Published (AGAIN) on SpillWords

My poem “They’re All Dead” has been up since Wednesday. Go check it out here: SpillWords

-GF/CF Diet Update

I kinda broke my diet Thursday. I’m not supposed to drink milk, but I did. Discovering it goes well with unsweetened tea, I had a (FEW) glasses. I immediately felt sick. That tells me two things. One, I really shouldn’t have it. Two, my body’s defense systems are attacking faster now that there’s less they have to deal with. I’ve also been feeling very agitated lately, and my poetry has taken more of a violent twist. I dunno if that’s worth mentioning, but even my mom mentioned it to me.

Chiefs/Chargers today! giphy-2.gif

 

Child Born Of Tremor and Turmoil

 

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writing is my love

my life

the beginning and end

of an always speaking wife

we noticed one another

while drifting away from life

on the verge of exiting

she stole the knife

we courted on balconies

piers

and windows crept through

by cellphone light

we wed four years ago

happy as could be

believing us

is all we would ever need

marriage is not

without difficulty

for to unify two individuals

someone must be subverted

to keep the peace of another

so I remained silent

pregnant by another

far more ravenous insatiable lover

and when the night falls

I run to her

begging to be spared

and spare the world

of a child born of tremor

and turmoil

agony agony I cry

why do you leave me alone

to perish

The Love And Life Of Death

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The setting is a late May evening

and the sun is just beginning to wane

the grasses are as green as can be

the warm summer rays touch

skin darkened by the halls of recluses

and eyes drunk on the monotone beat

of a single heart

the horizon speaks to me

in ways no human could ever

color elicits emotion

only my darkest days would ever see

drooping sunset

with patch, see-through clouds

for skanky lingerie

calms me better than any

green eyed, freckled face

powered by an engine

stoked by fire of rejection

I reject the clown suit

appreciate the complexion

of life riding the fine line

life and death, I’ve seen both

lived and loved

both

I never knew

why the silence loved me so

treated me to knowledge

people seemed to refuse

I’m so hot

dirty mind, spinning you a web

of lust, lies

and forgotten faces

all in time

before the moon turns on her heel

and I fall into sleep

till our next divorce counseling meeting

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Nineteen: Hey God, I Don’t Think I Thank You Enough

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(Actually, I know I don’t.)

When I was diagnosed with Aspergers four years ago, I honestly thought he was cursing me. Some punishment, I thought. (Probably for all the videos I used to watch, but that’s another story) Still, I had to live, even if I didn’t know why this burden was placed in my life. I hated my life. I hated everything about myself. Fast forward to today, and things are quiet different. My confidence (while not high) is growing a little every day, and I’ve accomplished a lot. (Published in Teen Ink’s October Edition of 2015…three award winning articles on Teen Ink’s website…staying published on SpillWords…joining an Art Council…getting a job at one of my favorite shops in Maryland…and voice behind a blog that’s followed by thousands) Despite my weaknesses and short-comings, I always seem to come out on top (or pretty close to it), and I owe it to nothing and no one but the divine. I had a rough childhood, and I did a lot of bad things as a kid, but to where I am today. To see how much you all love my words, and how much of an impact I’ve had on you…that tells me, and should tell you, that there’s someone watching us. Guiding us towards something greater than we could ever imagine. It’s truly relieving to know there’s someone watching your back….(and pulling you back when you’re about to walk into a trap)

 

Hey God,

I don’t think

I thank you enough

In fact, I know I don’t

every time the heart beats

and these lungs take in air

is an unbreakable seal

and confirmation that you are there

there isn’t a sunset

or season change

that you haven’t arranged

not a day or night

that you haven’t created

with your own might

I have a lot of weaknesses

food and sexy girls just two

but in spite of them I live

and I owe it all to you

and I have a lot of sadness

from being friendless

to struggling with Aspergers

but with your strength

I continue to live this

life you’ve given me

and every word that I write

causes me to see

that I am loved

beyond my downfalls and impurities

that I am loved

above all the evil inside of me

there’s not enough time

no matter of hours or days

could contain

the amount of praise

you deserve

but with my words

let your love be heard by all

and through me

may your grace save us

from the fall