My Impossible Year

I’ve lost all hope

in humanity

because I’ve lost all hope

in me

I’m weaker than the dust

lost to the winds of the poorest farmer

I’m filthier than the eyes of the thief

always looking over his back

I’m the Katrina

to your poorly constructed soul

And the Trump

to your easily distracted mind

I can’t control myself

and alone, myself can’t control what I feel

I’m bleeding, soul sister

and my hearts too easily peeled

they see the sins, they see the tragedy

each breath I take

draws me closer to finality

and each step forwards

drags me backwards from reality

I’m standing in the rain

but I’m not cleansed

I’m standing in the open

but not worthy of assassination

I’m a drag on all of you

too loud to be ignored

but too useless to be near

I’ve lived yet another

impossible year

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Am I Just Fucked?

I don’t have anxiety

I become afraid when you’ve caught me in sin

I can stare you in the eye

I do it to your girls every night

I can hold a conversation

because the people I watch most don’t speak

I don’t gain weight

I lose my strength with every release

I don’t pray

My hands are always clasped together

when you’re not looking

when you are

I just need to do it quick, just one more time

look how far I’ve fallen

I lay with the vagabonds

and call them father

I grope the rank, stretched pussies of whores

at least, in my mind

for a night

multiplied by eleven years

I’ve forgotten hope and horror

faith and fear

just let me gaze your naked scars

that’s all I want for Christmas this year

I don’t need a real woman

I just need a link

I don’t need a real relationship

I just need to dream

I’ve become something far more terrible

than anyone ever thought I was

I’ve shunned every hope of a lover

SF, TL, look what I’ve done

do I have Aspergers

or am I just fucked?

Our Flash Fiction Marriage (Mirage)

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I don’t care

I never did

I just wanted

You

To love me

That’s all

I ever wanted

Just a moment of your time

A sunset lit

Front porch

Late July evening

With a pretty face like yours

Freckled with green

Lanterns in a soul

Like Irish luck

Poetic eyes

With an R-rated mind

Wrapped in the body of a flash fiction marriage

Or mirage

Because when the night falls

The admiration fails

All possible desire

Sunlight is a Chris Sale

And each one of my dreams

Is retired

I could run all night

Just to remember that dream

Cause I got one shot at love

And

I

Missed

Ben Shapiro, Milo Yiannopoulos, And The People Behind InfoWars Inspired Me To Write This

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where do I stand

on a world at war

please, there’s no peace

and I don’t need a piece of the pie

that mass media lie

police officers die trying to protect us

the badge is just for show

but the love inside their hearts is not

the trust to serve can’t be bought

neither is the want

for a better America

we kill our babies without regard

and electrocute animals in “safe” ways

there’s nothing humane

bashing cows brains in

unless you’re insane

and we are

politics tearing families apart

propoganda has us building arks

and it’s dry as a well

Trump did this, Melania did that!

look out, Russia’s on our backs!

look what really matters

how many families lose their laughter

when their child gets gold into slavery

true bravery isn’t coming out the closet

this isn’t 1969

true bravery is standing

when everyone else sits

Kaepernick thinks he’s slick

he wasn’t an activist till he got benched

he’s part white

what struggle?

he made 14 million to throw shitty passes

these black rappers talking about green

but what about these boys in the streets?

no leaders but them demons

you think Barack Obama was a leader?

letting thugs burn down cities

they can call me racist

but somebody better stands with me

stand up to illegals taking our jobs

stand up to muslims that take the lives of others

especially the women they mutilate

(God bless those mothers)

and gays they throw off roofs

stand up to the blacks

that loot, burn, and riot

I’m not angry, but I will fight it

until we win our freedom back

there’s a war out for your mind

and ya’ll keep swinging at low cutters

Alcides Escobar, you’re joke

you’re slow, blind, easily provoked

Eric Garner was breaking the law

Trayvon Martin was breaking the law

Michael Brown was breaking the law

Castile was not, so I’ll stand with you there

but for all the criminals, their fate was fair

always talking about being free

but you’re nothing but slaves

America disgusts me

and this is why

 

Trapped In A Cage Of My Own Making

 

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no words are said

but you know what I’ve done

I could try to hide, try to run

but I’d be wasting our time

I might as well confess

then at the crest of the truth

I sink down and swallow

Another green lie

Another blue deception

I’m falling for you out of desperation

the water swirls around my mouth

the disco turns silent now

and the chorus of discord

rings in my head so loud

confusing

contradicting

I am animal

trapped in the cage of my own making

Victorious (When You’re Autistic Like Me)

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(Whew. Two book rejections in one day had me feeling down. Then this came along…)

Victorious

In spite of everything they said

Victorious

Even though we only get glory once dead

Victorious

In these poems that are bled

Victorious

In the words that aren’t said

 

Night and day I fight a battle against you

These feelings I have aren’t even close to new

Sometimes I feel so left behind, but you knew

Sly grin, haughty chin, it can’t be true

 

They say they’re active but they’re hardly aware

How I love your lips and the way you do your hair

Caught you by surprise? I see you everywhere

But the will top take your hand, ask you out just isn’t there

 

We’re far more alike than they ever say

But our seismic differences keep getting in the way

I could hope and dream, and I do everyday

But call a timeout, coach I can’t play

 

I like you girl and you would know it

If I had a normal brain that could show it

Talk to you, laugh with you, show some emotion

Barriers breaking down in devotion

 

But I haven’t found it

Either that, or you’re still in the closet

Don’t worry, I was there too

Afraid to be me, I missed so much, that’s true

 

Now I’m victorious

Autistic as can be

No longer in need of your sanity

I stand on the inside of your outside

My life, my words come from insanity

Less is more, more is less

When you’re victorious

Like me

Isolation Burns Like A Dagger

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they offer me lunch

they don’t understand

behind the mask of darkness

they cannot see who I really am

 

because I won’t let them

I’d rather be a fool

than reveal my identity

have me treated as a tool

 

isolation burns like a dagger

regret blisters and boils everyday

but as long as I remain true, it doesn’t matter

and yet my soul stings in every way

 

because I want and hate it

circumstance has me elated

then reality sets in, I can’t sit by you

I’m too conscious to pretend it isn’t true

The Arrogance I Shine

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bent and broken

my face the token

of your socialite policy

fears and flames awoken

by the silent shaming

of ears pricked up

hairs peeled back

when I make a statement

misinterpret a joke

the costume falls flat

and now I’m forced to reconcile

into the life and love I never had

it was plain to see

but it took them to crucify my heart

betrayed by a suicidal mind

to see the reality

I had ignored for so much time

they don’t care for me

they’re not the friends for me

don’t understand me

can’t reprimand me

because I do the same thing

everyday

because I don’t care about a thing

everyday

while you sit around waiting for me to change

oh hey

I’m insane

the arrogance I shine

tans you like an ultraviolet ray

I don’t think about what I say

because I really was born this way

I take no for an answer

because I’ll say yes to myself

I dish it because I can take it

look at the hand the devil’s dealt

feel the welts

no, they’re on the inside

feel the shockwaves

they flow every time

you start speaking

I start leaking

every ounce of content

until I’m bursting with anger

and all darkness

ceases with one final dagger

to the soul

now silent again

 

The War Of Poetic Conviction

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Convention

waging endless war

against my unwavering condition

arrows of all kinds

and sizes

fly through the air in mass

darkening the sun as it rises

tipped with oil, tipped with fire

they rarely kill

but injure greatly

designed to cause will to waver

and crumble when the infantry

comes later

day and night the siege rains on

they cannot hold this city

but for so long

no food to re-wire my mind

no fountain to make me young again

cutting off my life support

the empty space I need to breathe

sanity drains from my mind

through an eternal sieve

even my blood turns a cold shoulder

like I’m afraid of living

the days of old

just when the night seems to end

the moon folds it’s hand

sneaking a cunning glance

at the sun and stars

as he pulls his winnings in a pile

the dawn turns towards the deceivers

eyes reddened with intense flame

with searing pain destroys the enemy

from this son comes poetic conviction

that topples the medical profession’s

worthless predictions

tone and diction, I’ve got it in my hand

to rally my soul brothers and sisters

it’s all part of my plan

The Good Doctor and Christian Wolf be damned

I’m tired of seeing us misinterpreted

given superhuman traits

just to make a cute story

our story isn’t for your entertainment

rather our struggles

cause lifelong derailment

tell them I’m coming

I’m going ham

 

I Didn’t Believe I’d Be Where I Am Today

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I didn’t believe

I would do anything that I’ve done today

I never saw, or even dreamed

that I’d be where I stand today

just a few years ago I couldn’t come out the house

in fear and angst at the outside world

just a few years ago I didn’t volunteer

and while confident in my abilities to be a published author

I never thought I’d have even a part time job

especially not in customer service

just a few years ago my whole life was porn and Madden

now I’m repaying the anger with hum of fingers on these keys

call me Darren McFadden

the anger I used to take out on my family

on strangers

on me

frustrated at the disability that I could never see

the desire but lack of strength to set this soul free

if only I could see the door trust me I’d make the key

now today I know I’m stronger than they said I’d ever be

when I put down the Clorox

and opened up my soul

to some guy living in the sky

I realized he could make me whole

He showed me that my condition

was a gift

put down the knife, put down the concrete

and mend this rift inside me

aspergers humbles me every single day

it reminds me that without him nothing will go my way

when I’m feeling down I put pen to paper and I pray

somebody please take this anxiety away

away

goes the pain

goes the regrets

go the doubters

and to everyone who saw me write nonstop

and said I was wasting my hours

this one’s for you

for the lovers

for the haters

for those who don’t know me

and those who wish they did