The War Of Poetic Conviction

Convention

waging endless war

against my unwavering condition

arrows of all kinds

and sizes

fly through the air in mass

darkening the sun as it rises

tipped with oil, tipped with fire

they rarely kill

but injure greatly

designed to cause will to waver

and crumble when the infantry

comes later

day and night the siege rains on

they cannot hold this city

but for so long

no food to re-wire my mind

no fountain to make me young again

cutting off my life support

the empty space I need to breathe

sanity drains from my mind

through an eternal sieve

even my blood turns a cold shoulder

like I’m afraid of living

the days of old

just when the night seems to end

the moon folds it’s hand

sneaking a cunning glance

at the sun and stars

as he pulls his winnings in a pile

the dawn turns towards the deceivers

eyes reddened with intense flame

with searing pain destroys the enemy

from this son comes poetic conviction

that topples the medical profession’s

worthless predictions

tone and diction, I’ve got it in my hand

to rally my soul brothers and sisters

it’s all part of my plan

The Good Doctor and Christian Wolf be damned

I’m tired of seeing us misinterpreted

given superhuman traits

just to make a cute story

our story isn’t for your entertainment

rather our struggles

cause lifelong derailment

tell them I’m coming

I’m going ham

 

I Didn’t Believe I’d Be Where I Am Today

I didn’t believe

I would do anything that I’ve done today

I never saw, or even dreamed

that I’d be where I stand today

just a few years ago I couldn’t come out the house

in fear and angst at the outside world

just a few years ago I didn’t volunteer

and while confident in my abilities to be a published author

I never thought I’d have even a part time job

especially not in customer service

just a few years ago my whole life was porn and Madden

now I’m repaying the anger with hum of fingers on these keys

call me Darren McFadden

the anger I used to take out on my family

on strangers

on me

frustrated at the disability that I could never see

the desire but lack of strength to set this soul free

if only I could see the door trust me I’d make the key

now today I know I’m stronger than they said I’d ever be

when I put down the Clorox

and opened up my soul

to some guy living in the sky

I realized he could make me whole

He showed me that my condition

was a gift

put down the knife, put down the concrete

and mend this rift inside me

aspergers humbles me every single day

it reminds me that without him nothing will go my way

when I’m feeling down I put pen to paper and I pray

somebody please take this anxiety away

away

goes the pain

goes the regrets

go the doubters

and to everyone who saw me write nonstop

and said I was wasting my hours

this one’s for you

for the lovers

for the haters

for those who don’t know me

and those who wish they did

 

 

The Darkness Chokes The Sense Of The Homeless

The darkness chokes the sense

of the homeless

throwing punches of humility

and stealing the cents out of hats

too big to fit the head of a ten year old boy

silence awakens the mind of a soldier

trapped in a traumatized mind

he marches up and down his home to Iraqi time

and swings an AK around his head like a toy

bullets rain down in a cascade of calamity

and with the blindness of humanity

there’s more to this never ending story

of birth, disappointment, and death

medicine buys you an extra breath

but takes away twice the life

adults cheat on each other

teens resort to the knife

and poor babies, they don’t get any rights

there’s more vacant houses on a single block

than the times the gangster will cock his glock

at the very thought of red and blue

shallow crooks like Hillary say they know what it’s like

If only they knew

an eye for an eye, tooth for tooth

here’s some ecstasy and pot

in exchange for our youth

mom’s leave their children

in search of better pay

while feminists overlook the rising level of strokes

and the blood in the streets from where kids lay

nobody to guide them, that’s fine

let Justin Bieber lead the way

but he won’t give them back their time

tired of hearing about gender

while the news makes everything about race

let’s focus instead on treating each other like humans

because we all belong in this place

 

You Only Know Who You Think I Am

Poetically cunning

words leaving brains and hearts humming

and while you’re eager to read on

you only know who you think I am

late night writes with Pete Wentz in my ears

in attempt to ward off nightmarish fears

but I put on a smile to cover it up

so you only know who you think I am

work is mental drudgery, and family is worse

but my good moods come in spurts

they think I’m okay

but you only know who you think I am

inside I feel like I’m dying

and this week wants to make me stop trying

but I don’t tell you what’s really going on

and you only know who you think I am

I stand in the pouring rain

there’s little I like better

but you think I’m insane

and I let you believe who you think I am

I sit by myself, I have no friends

hell, it takes me ten minutes just to press send

you think I’m antisocial and crude

stupid world, you only know who you think I am

I write everyday

to reveal everything

and nothing

to make you think you know who I am

I am depressed, anxious, angry, and dejected

broken, shy, disheartened, and rejected

failure makes me afraid to try again

socially I have to pretend

I hope I’m not like this forever

because there’s gotta be someone out there

I just haven’t met her

or I did

and I failed her

(now I’m regretting everything again)

you no longer have to guess, now

you know who I really am

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty-One: Something Beautiful I Haven’t Yet Put Into Human Form

I can’t get enough of the way she moves

she’s so perfect

dancing long into the night with the groove

she’s so perfect, the way she moves

with hips so wide

and face so smooth

I wrestle with my heart, my mind

if I could turn back time

to before I was born

I wouldn’t have made myself like this

but here I am

with this condition of mine

I’ve got something to prove

and swimming in my veins

is the desire, the will

to make me fall in love again

twirling gracefully

she’ll soon call it a night

twirling seductively

I have to make her bite

I don’t have much to offer

looks seemed to skip this one

but as far as this room is concerned

I’m the only one

that stares long enough

and sits quietly enough

to hear the heartbeat

of a little bird

in the busty chest of a temptress

waiting to settle down and nest

with a forever lover

unlike any other

and that’s what I have over them all

just draw close to me soon

take my shaking hand in yours

so confident, so proud

and let us work the room

of life guided by infinity

with silence, and also with sound

I do, I do

I truly love you

and I’ve never been so damn sure

as I am right now

before your gazing eyes

and knowing all my past

will be made right

with a kiss, with a kneel

a ring, a veil

a storybook

waiting to be written

 

 

 

Recollections Of Youthful Corrections And What They Mean Now

 

Say thank you

or please

Don’t forget to use a fork

when eating your broccoli and peas

Why are you tapping your feet

Stop making that sound

Why do you get so quiet

when she comes around

Why aren’t you listening

can’t you hear what I say

You ignore me, constantly

every single day

Why did you fail this test

when you claim to be better than the rest

And why can’t you sleep through the night

there’s something wrong, you’re not right

Why do always want to stay home

only weirdos want to be alone

Devereaux, look at me

your mood swings are driving me crazy

Me, me, me

but not you, you, you

if you paid attention

these symptoms wouldn’t seem new

My body is collateral damage

of a brains hostile takeover

and just seventeen years in

the course is hardly over

Sure I could do drugs

and calm the tension

Sign me up to snort some lines

off a prostitute’s ass

but what example would that be

to others on my path

So I do math

the best I can

and at making friends

I’m just another also-ran

But I write like hell

and on my thoughts you dwell

so that, like me

you can fight the bias and insecurity

that those on the spectrum face

we may be slower

be we’re still running this race

 

If You’re On The Spectrum, Been Bullied, or Just Need Some Encouragement, This Is For You

 Standing on the corner

scattered thunderstorm raining down on this street

Handing out words, selling half dozen lines

blisters bursting on these feet

They can rain on this parade

and spit on my cardboard signs

but they don’t know how I was made

and with every stab wound I bleed these rhymes

Grew up distant and shy

and so ashamed of being socially anxious

I almost decided

I’d end my time

But the glass never reached these lips

because I made a commitment

to find out what I really was

now step back, cause I’m feeling this

Grew up wondering why people always looked down on me

And the belief that I’d die alone and poor seemed to be a certain reality

With every single day I found myself slipping deeper and deeper

Drowning

the withering toil of an outcast, like a black cat

Pretending to be cool, feigning neurological normality

I couldn’t keep up with that

So I stripped off the makeup

I gave up trying to care

and now I don’t care

and look where I am today

got people reaching out me

appreciating my raw honesty

and now you see

that it’s not about looks

and the people that despise you

are just a bunch of crooks

their ears bleed at the originality of your life

they pull out their eyes at seeing you discover the right

You don’t need someone on each arm

you don’t need to listen to the latest songs

you don’t have to get on your knees

if you know what you mean

The greatest enemy

of brats and bullies

isn’t fists, guns, or knives

but living without a care of their thoughts

living your life

Make them wonder at who you are

whether you start near or far

from the goal

just remember to be honest with yourself

and share the light

with other souls

 

To Heaven, God, Nobody or Anyone Listening…

This last year has been one of the worst in my life. I know I talk about how well I know myself, and you all comment so often about how confident and honest I am, but that’s because I really haven’t talked about what I’ve been going through. The things I’m addicted to, the things I let my mind convince me to be true, and the things I’ve done in the past that I’ve since let go but still affect me. My trip to California was very relieving, but it also made me focus: I’ve completely fallen off the map this year, and I haven’t tried to fix it.

The reality is, I’ve bounced from condescending towards myself, to angry, to deeply depressed. I’ve gained crazy weight because eating is one of the ways I let go and forget about the pain in my head, and then I’m depressed because I look horrible and none of my clothes fit, and then I’m angry because I know I should have more self control, and then I’m condescending through pretending that it really doesn’t matter because I’m not really that big. I feel weaker, but in eating I don’t think about the anxiety, the worries, and the failure, so I feel stronger in some backwards, shitty way. I know its unhealthy to do what I do: eat, and eat, and eat, but I find myself lost in it all just to escape for a few moments.

That’s been a huge part of my struggles this year, but it hasn’t been the only thing.

I’m also addicted to porn. I know, it’s the nastiest, grossest, vilest, and destructive thing a teen boy could be addicted to, but I cant stop it. I get the urge, and I watch. I feel the need, and I watch. I don’t even like porn. I find it disrespectful to women. I think it’s destroying my life. I know I’ll never have a pure relationship with a woman (or anyone in general)because of it. I don’t want this to go on, but I can’t make myself give it up. It’s filthy, and I feel I’m wronging every last woman I’ve ever come across or talked with because of it. I know it will jade my perception of women; making me expect things from them that porn falsely portrays. Making me expect women to be a certain way around me when I know REAL women don’t have to show their tits to know they’re loved, or to know they’re beautiful. I wish I could apologize to each and every one I’ve ever watched, because I’ve seen something I have no right, no claim, to have seen. I’m not married to them, or even friends with them, so why am I enabled to see what I’m too young to even begin to understand. It’s perverted, it’s cheap, and I want to take back every last moment porn has taken from me. I have a dirty mind, and I want to cleanse it. I DON’T CARE if everyone else thinks pornography is okay. I know it’s wrong, and I want to turn the table. Wipe the slate. Turn a new leaf. Whichever fucking saying that fits this setting, I want to have it.

I guess I owe all my female followers an apology, because pornography is sexist. It objectifies women in the WORSE way, and I never want to make your sex out to be something that it’s not. I know I’m not deserving, but I need a chance at redemption.

I’m not a good person. I’m not even a person. I’m a worthless, useless, addict pervert that deserves nothing more than a noose around my neck. I don’t deserve your time, or your attention, or your care.

BUT I GET IT ANYWAY!

WHY?

BECAUSE OF FAITH.

I was raised to be faithful, to trust in God and follow his ways. Porn may have me now, but it doesn’t own me. I have to rise up. I have to take a stand against this crummy, damned part of me that is trying to kill me. I don’t know when my time is up, and I’m trying to get this right before he calls me home. I want to make this right. I want to love PURELY. WHOLLY. TRUTHFULLY.

I can’t go on like this much longer.

I’m writing to you

from the dark

because I’m too afraid

to speak to you in the light

I’m gonna speak

a little informally

because I lost all formality

casting aside bitter life for sweet depression

I’ve spent the last year

trapped in a never ending twilight

and I’ve gotten so comfortable

I gave up the fight

Truthfully

I didn’t want to stop trying

but trying to be something I wasn’t

I got fed up with all the lying

How can I ever have her

perfect and true

when I’m not even a believer

in the one who sent you

I’ve grown fat

figuratively and literally

wasting time in the darkness

I’ve done much wrong, and shamefully

I dug deeper into despair

Bit harder into death’s apple

Sadness was my lair

Aspergers my grapple

my excuse not to push on

as much as it hurts

not to give everything I have

even if friendships never work

I lost the sight

for love, for life

Now I have to get it back

for love, for life

I’ve failed

so many times

and yet here he is

giving me another rhyme

The road to recovery

is long and hard

but I’m determined

to run this ball to the final yard

Returning the enemy’s kicks back

Tyreek Hill

Breaking my head over this neurotypical world

Jack and Jill

I don’t have

what everyone else has

but I’ve got a choice

to live this life, or to pass

I have no friends

and few I can trust

but that doesn’t mean I can’t try

persevere I must

God help me

fight through this

because without you

I’m useless

The road to recovery

will take time

but to get back this life

given by the divine is worth any time

I need my followers, my readers

to be there

Little words can inspire a leader

Please be there

So as you read

these words

know that a life is being changed

The offensive is now; it’s my turn