What I Find In The Light

Never mind the light, I only need the dark

The truth is truth, regardless of the beholder

The lie is a lie, regardless of the beholder

Vibrating throughout my skeleton is chaos

Ordered and exponential in designed purpose

Humanity seems to think eradicating one

Will enlighten the other, but in truth

One exists because of the order

In chaos there is order because it is planned

Order can be chaotic without understanding

And interference only widens the chasm

The light blinds, but the dark constricts

Till only the purest of elements remain

And those are the things I want inside me

In the light everything and everyone exists

But in the dark only the true reign on high

They’ve taught us the dark is evil

And yet it’s in the light that children are taken

Criminals are made out to be defenseless

And plastic chokes the life of the sea

I am not just a writer

But a living writer

A reading writer

And I’ve scoured the faces of angels upon us

They

Are not happy

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Loving Back

Breaking in the chasm between your breath

Exhale

Only to be swallowed by oneself

Woe is the newcomer to lonely solitude

Only adored by oneself, kissed by oneself

Letting go and never does a hand reach out

Falling into old fashioned drunkenness

Kill me, kill me, if you cannot see me

Bury me, bury me, if you cannot free me

What is life in the mirage, what is the shadow

What is blood if the veins are encased in skin

Trapped in an organism chained in the shallow

What is beauty forever enslaved to eyes

Who glare but a moment through a glass

And forgotten evermore

I see not love in the lust for freedom

In doing so become slave to impossible

But in lust for love you will find it

Only be sure that you are ready

To be loved back

What We Both Know

I could never, ever tell you why

There’s something underneath the shadows

Of my eyes, of the time, of the rhymes

I spend in excess devoted to you

There’s a lady in white, smiling right back at me

There’s a lady in white, smiling in the mirror

Right behind me

At first, I thought she was looking at us

Casting a glamorous countenance

Upon a shy man

Then I thought she was looking beyond

Casting a mirage upon parched maleness

Waters to be drunk only in the mind

Of a selectively silent man

Unafraid to write “ask” but afraid to say

Now I know she was looking neither at me

Nor behind me

But instead, through me

Wondering at the hole in my heart would lead

Pondering at the emptiness in my voice

As it leaves trembling diaphragm

Why are my written words so strong

But spoken so weak

Why do I attract other writers, confident and cunning

But hardly any friends

Am I genuinely becoming a loner in the making

Or something else altogether

Is that what she is looking for?

I wish she’d tell me she loved me

I wish she’d tell me she cares

Instead of never mind

Or hours of painful silence

I wish I could tell her face to face

What I think we both know is true

Between My World and Yours

sleeping-woman-anuraag-fulay
Half-empty bottles litter the countertop
And the floor cradles my drunk conquest
She’s silently nestled
In between this world and the next
I watch, hardly consumed by the reckless
And wonder why we push ourselves so far
Our bodies collapse under constant pressure
And minds wrangle with us to do well
But drugs and drinks push our thoughts away
We drown them away, party the sensation
Rattling it until it bleeds out and collapses
Under the weight of our conscious desire
To love and writhe within each other, blindly
No thought, no foreshadowing, no expectation
From ourselves to do better, just living for now
Will kill us and spare us from tomorrow
This can’t be what we want, this can’t be
What we were only made for
To drink and eat
To love until we’re no longer pretty, and forget
Every promise we made to each other
Making out dreams that we cannot fulfill
Because we don’t care enough about us
To see them through
Everything is for the present, everything is now
Nothing is sacred, precious, or protected
I wonder what will become of a culture
That loves to make love but never complete it
With the action that makes it so beautiful
In the first place

Misery Loves Me

32
You don’t want the light in
No
You’d rather be miserable
Getting attention from everyone around
The support stemming from desperation
Is almost worth being desperate
And penniless piles of weak smiles
Forced laughter
On top of a melancholy life
Are washed away for only moments at a time
The encouragement and support
Hardly outweigh the demons
Misery loves company, but few companies
Accompany misery
For it is a heavy burden, and a worthless one
Yet I see the masses embrace the slavery
I see them beat each other for a chance
To be at the top of the pity party
I see them throwing one another overboard
So the ship will sail faster, and they
Will have their reward of sorrow and sayings
“Hope you get better”, “prayers up”, and
“Love you so much”
Those words have never meant less
To those doing even less
Because until you find the root
The weeds will always grow back
Until you find the death
You can’t give anyone proper life
They will always be uprooted and erased
Swallowed up by a darkness they cannot see
A friend they cannot name
A heartbeat they cannot claim

What Comes Next

How could I know they would betray me

All this time I thought we were inseparable

All this time

I thought we’d go to the end of line

But that line has been drawn suddenly

And it is here

Where we must depart

Going separate ways is in many ways foreign

To someone who has always had you by me

I’ve always made expensive mistakes

And you’ve paid each and every one of them

Maybe that’s why you have to leave

Because I pushed you away

Too soon I acted, too quick I reacted

And now I’m watching you leave, forever

Possibly

I didn’t know how to have friends, so I gained

Didn’t know how to keep, so I lost

Didn’t how I could die, so I lived

Now I’ve lived too much

You know what comes next

The Problem Is Me

folding
There’s nothing left inside
Neither strength nor compassion
Peace nor prosperity
Love not hate
Just a fishing line with no bait
I’m dining a restaurant without a plate
I have the will, but lack the tools
Compassion, but without the mood to do
Love, but the animosity towards cowardice
It may seem as hate
So many people to call out, I’m left exhausted
Eight to ten people clamoring for my place
I can write until Titan collides with the moon
I can write until I finally receive the solution
To my pain
I can write until I finally feel accomplished
But nothing can fill the hole she left
No accolade can mend this broken bridge
No action
Except to drive off of it
And be allowed to forget it even existed
Let’s face it, I’m never to find her
Not with such combustible personality
Quick to anger as I’m quick with words
Slow to catch on as I’m fast to bring the action
Chasing my own tail, the problem is me
My own tales, my own fails, my own mess
All weighing down a once eager chest
Now I take my time around corners
I’ve been shot in the back before
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