Bored (Simply Writing About Autism)

I became bored

Simply writing about autism

I felt like every one else

Just going on about the downfalls

The misery, the mistakes

It shouldn’t be ignored

But it has its place

I call it An Aspergian’s Chemical Romance

Because I mix love with the acidic burn

Of a childhood gone to waste

The adoration of poetry and prose

Through writing, failing, and gaining age

Withstanding the onslaught of emotion

And fear of being lost without a cause

This place became my refuge and devotion

Another round of poetic potion

Soothing rough edges of a world gone awry

Each line, each time, I raise the white flag

A sign that no matter what they call me

I will always be happy with how I’m made

I stain your glorious day

With a discord and blight

So you may never forget in your riches

There are those killed by your might

I felt with each breath a great pain

Now gone, this desire to feign my name

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Words Collapse Boundaries Of Mind

Pour it out

On the streets, into their homes

Into the oceans, into their clothes

Wash their brains, rinse the craniums

These words are me

And I am made of them

Through pain and panic, they’ve built walls

To the outside world that doesn’t accept me

Through loss and longing, they’ve built roads

To the inside world that doesn’t correct me

But burns every time I move

Twitching, stinging until I adjust my thoughts

Attuned to the right waves, I am unstoppable

At least inside this room, I am loved

Inside this balloon, I can talk with anyone

Through regulation and regret pushed aside

I try to catch up to the present time

I’m still living in the past

Because I took so long to figure me out

Because I took so long stamping out doubt

Because I don’t really know where I’m going

But I enjoy the journey

And laughing all the way

Until my resting place, when I’ve finished

But today is not that day

Session Two

It’s business

This pain against you

Ensnared in the Dream, no one

Can rescue you

The end is near

And so very far away

With every day you age

You get younger

Dumber

Lifeless as a pen on a shelf

Waiting to be made into the abstract

Motionless inside half beating heart

Comatose

Living and dying you are

In the vein of their gravity

No escape, not without the cry of blasphemy

“How dare you betray us”

“Do you think we’re really that bad?”

You deserve what you did, don’t you?

Spoiled little brat

Life can be a pain in the ass

But we’ve all got our paths

So stop complaining

They’re your parents after all

They know what they’re doing

Walk Out…Of The Darkness Of Conscious

They walk out

Where I walk in

Limited knowledge of the system

Is where the system gets the final win

Reform of any kind in this country

Requires white skin and lots

Lots of money

That’s the system

And we’re all the victims

You think that missing school

Brings them back

The power is grateful for your ignorance

It means they’ve done their task

You’re better off forgetting, cause they’re already dead

To the men and women at the head

That’s politics

And I hate all of it

Riot until you bleed

Protest until you die

You’re all just noisy gongs

Penetrating their swan song

“Yes, we care”

“Away with the NRA”

Yesterday was not it, tomorrow isn’t either

That’s just humanity

And I hate most of it

People die everyday, what makes 17 special

What separates their deaths

And those of the aborted?

Convenience?

It was convenient for those kids to die

So who’s really telling the truth

And telling the lie?

Americans

Heavy sigh

Not Breaking, But Broken

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I’m still addicted

to their bodies dancing

in the pretense of love at night

it’s sinful to desire such actions

that strip away morality, security

and life

but that’s me

skilled at little

vain and arrogant in much

tonight I don’t want likes or comments

just some honesty for once

but that’s just me

too weak to give it up

but strong enough to endure till tomorrow

I care about what you think

I care about what they say

and when the replies seem to be ending

the doubt eagerly becomes brimming

inside and alive

seams left unchecked

the internal war is between me

and me alone, direct

to the point

swelling in my joints

I fall to my knees

I’m breaking it may seem

but I’m quite broken

and no one in this fairy tale

even tries to put me

back together

I Wasn’t Alone (It Was An Aspie Dream)

broken

What if I told you

I wasn’t alone

and I had been lying

to you like her

I like you

(I adore you)

You’re a good person

(You’re my everything)

I think I’ll see you soon

(I love you already)

The darkness peels back

as the fabrics fall off

silky skin

Clothing lies in a trail

of tears in wonder

at the perfection

of delicate sin

Naked ambition

in a provocative rendition

of Leonardo’s Mona Lisa

Perfect woman

meets searching eyes

is there one inch

that doesn’t incite delight

Staring into crystal balls

falling back into the black

as we reach the pinnacle

of this devious waltz

Bodies tangled

reaching the fantasy of gravity

and the peak of agony

as quickly as she comes

we go our separate ways

the lights come on

and I’m jolted awake in pain

because what if I also

told you it was a dream

and I fell asleep alone

like every other night

 

 

I Should Be Dead, Shouldn’t I?

 

THE-BOLD-MOM_Tina_Reaper

I can’t go any longer

raw from the memories

I force myself to replay

the blood on the sheets

I tried to make myself believe

they weren’t real

no, not digging inside me

maggots from hell stirring inside my brain

scars lasted with the pain

but the essence follows me

into the present day

the scorn, the punishments

they weren’t real

no, not my stomach bleeding out

lies to professionals casts miserable doubt

it was my heart I thought I cared about

but my soul was left crushed

and then everyone found out

the desire, the sin

she’s not real

no, not the way she gives me her everything

and places firm kisses on my lips

asking me never to leave

willingly I submit to her release

because with her I’m free

I believe

I couldn’t any longer

I believed

I wasn’t worthy of love

I dream

of burning in hell for my sins

and maybe I will

maybe I won’t

only now does the journey

truly begin

When You Don’t Know

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ashamed

don’t know what to write

I feel stronger and weaker

every single time

the world gets darker

hope sinks farther

and all the while I fail

at ever being normal

this obsession becomes regression

when I struggle so plainly

maybe I’m no good

maybe I’m no good

or maybe I struggle to do what I should

even when it’s in plain sight

struggle to stay within the lines

they pick and prod my mind

I want to be alone this time

but they don’t get it

some things can’t be quit

and they come back every time you cleanse

cause the only true cleanse

is the one of death

but who’s ready to do that

Except For Me

WAMTAC

the lights are about to go out

as everyone falls asleep

the whole world seems to be slowing

except for me

somewhere in this blue

I’m standing still

because I’m fearful

of what I won’t do

and what you see

only worsens my condition

ashamed of your intentions

I bottle up

so you can’t listen

beat me, blind me

rape me, kill me

just please

don’t ever find me

I hate

how they see me

because I’m not

what I meant

to be

Silence Heals My Insane

wamtac

There’s a silence

That heals the insane

The wild, racing part of me

Never kept in check

By a voracious heartbeat

Dying to love you more

But hiding it all in life

Manic meltdowns

Leading to tear soaked pages

And curses uttered

From bottomless agony

Never meant to harm

But to release me

From the grapple of

The darkness

I still somehow

Can’t escape