Not Breaking, But Broken

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I’m still addicted

to their bodies dancing

in the pretense of love at night

it’s sinful to desire such actions

that strip away morality, security

and life

but that’s me

skilled at little

vain and arrogant in much

tonight I don’t want likes or comments

just some honesty for once

but that’s just me

too weak to give it up

but strong enough to endure till tomorrow

I care about what you think

I care about what they say

and when the replies seem to be ending

the doubt eagerly becomes brimming

inside and alive

seams left unchecked

the internal war is between me

and me alone, direct

to the point

swelling in my joints

I fall to my knees

I’m breaking it may seem

but I’m quite broken

and no one in this fairy tale

even tries to put me

back together

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I Wasn’t Alone (It Was An Aspie Dream)

broken

What if I told you

I wasn’t alone

and I had been lying

to you like her

I like you

(I adore you)

You’re a good person

(You’re my everything)

I think I’ll see you soon

(I love you already)

The darkness peels back

as the fabrics fall off

silky skin

Clothing lies in a trail

of tears in wonder

at the perfection

of delicate sin

Naked ambition

in a provocative rendition

of Leonardo’s Mona Lisa

Perfect woman

meets searching eyes

is there one inch

that doesn’t incite delight

Staring into crystal balls

falling back into the black

as we reach the pinnacle

of this devious waltz

Bodies tangled

reaching the fantasy of gravity

and the peak of agony

as quickly as she comes

we go our separate ways

the lights come on

and I’m jolted awake in pain

because what if I also

told you it was a dream

and I fell asleep alone

like every other night

 

 

I Should Be Dead, Shouldn’t I?

 

THE-BOLD-MOM_Tina_Reaper

I can’t go any longer

raw from the memories

I force myself to replay

the blood on the sheets

I tried to make myself believe

they weren’t real

no, not digging inside me

maggots from hell stirring inside my brain

scars lasted with the pain

but the essence follows me

into the present day

the scorn, the punishments

they weren’t real

no, not my stomach bleeding out

lies to professionals casts miserable doubt

it was my heart I thought I cared about

but my soul was left crushed

and then everyone found out

the desire, the sin

she’s not real

no, not the way she gives me her everything

and places firm kisses on my lips

asking me never to leave

willingly I submit to her release

because with her I’m free

I believe

I couldn’t any longer

I believed

I wasn’t worthy of love

I dream

of burning in hell for my sins

and maybe I will

maybe I won’t

only now does the journey

truly begin

When You Don’t Know

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ashamed

don’t know what to write

I feel stronger and weaker

every single time

the world gets darker

hope sinks farther

and all the while I fail

at ever being normal

this obsession becomes regression

when I struggle so plainly

maybe I’m no good

maybe I’m no good

or maybe I struggle to do what I should

even when it’s in plain sight

struggle to stay within the lines

they pick and prod my mind

I want to be alone this time

but they don’t get it

some things can’t be quit

and they come back every time you cleanse

cause the only true cleanse

is the one of death

but who’s ready to do that

Except For Me

WAMTAC

the lights are about to go out

as everyone falls asleep

the whole world seems to be slowing

except for me

somewhere in this blue

I’m standing still

because I’m fearful

of what I won’t do

and what you see

only worsens my condition

ashamed of your intentions

I bottle up

so you can’t listen

beat me, blind me

rape me, kill me

just please

don’t ever find me

I hate

how they see me

because I’m not

what I meant

to be

Silence Heals My Insane

wamtac

There’s a silence

That heals the insane

The wild, racing part of me

Never kept in check

By a voracious heartbeat

Dying to love you more

But hiding it all in life

Manic meltdowns

Leading to tear soaked pages

And curses uttered

From bottomless agony

Never meant to harm

But to release me

From the grapple of

The darkness

I still somehow

Can’t escape

 

Love, Sway This Aspergian Mind (The Hole Is The Likelyhood Of It Happening)

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First off, I joined Facebook. You can find me under my name, Devereaux Frazier. Secondly, I got the comment thing figured out. Some of my comments on some blogs were being caught as spam, which is weird (I don’t leave links or the like), but others didn’t and everything is okay.

Tonight’s poem is on love, and all this Valentine’s Day stuff is being beamed into my head and I feel terrible. I’m single, and it sucks. Thankfully, it’s just one day, but boy…I’m counting down the hours till it’s over. I’m tense, disappointed, and hopeful for a new life, and I hope this poem conveys that…(I chose a murky painting, because that’s how I’m feelin’)

 

Aspergers keeps me from connecting

and in shyness I go on letting

sweet girls go by

I wish I had one

just one

Sway my mind

 

Another morning

another sunrise

Look! It’s almost time

to put on my disguise

so that they never know

that I think too slow

and love

that special love

I’ve never known

 

I guess you could say

that it’s not meant to be

that I’ll always be my own special lover

Content, but lonely

True, but only

and the chapter is the same, every single day

 

Confident as I am

I’d hate to die alone

Honesty and truth, I’ve sown

but without the nurturing

of a special one’s sweet love

faded opportunity

before it reached the ground above

 

It’s not about money

it’s not about time

it’s about unearthing the treasures

that could very well be mine

but I’m ill-equipped

to search the mines

just some pointy sticks

A step above twigs

How could I find

even the tiniest of reserves

when after years of being burned

I burn out and give up the ghost

 

The shadow of something

I’ve never named

but wishing

to one day claim

No Easy button, no clues to follow

just a mire of faces

and anxiety to swallow