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creative writing Poetry reflections

If It Were

if it were physical

I’d cut you off

if it were mental

I’d forget to remember you

but I think this connection

sees deeper than the tide of sun

or the unluckiest tempest of the sea

and though we’ve disagreed

in levels of silence, decadent ignorance

unpalatable by most conscious beings

each time we found open fields once again

maybe we’ll stop bickering

start rebuilding

bridges towards old paths forgotten

and memories of new dreams embodied

in the wishful words

I do

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Aspergers creative writing Poetry reflections

To Do

Sit me down

Close my eyes

Let me sigh, let me die

No

Wait, don’t do that, just

Tingle with my conscious

Spark the ignition, then light it on fire

Let me live and love, then hate myself

For ever trying to be with you

So sick of being so close, yet so far

I’ll give up, hang the self, fate is on

A rout

No doubt, the cycle will continue

Will anyone be moved by my story

Stirred by my pain

I’ve cried so much, I just sit and stare

Red with anger and a loss for words

Yes, me, stunned with no key or clue

There’s a threshold of doubt

Then what I’ve been left to do

What is there

To do?

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Aspergers creative writing Poetry reflections

Don’t Call Me

Don’t call me strong; cracked glass eyes

Shatter into a stream of blood

Tears fill the creek where we swam

There was a time long ago, before the shade

And shallow, I’d listen to you talk

Glide on the tips of maple

The water, the water, always more crystal

Tomorrow

Love echoed through the trees

And I’d never write save me, save me

Because you’d always be there, to realign

The muscles in my face always calmed

My sweet Novocaine, pumping ecstasy

Lovely, now I see

The colors of autumn ripped down to black

Ashes of summer’s sacrifice, rotten carcass

Swelling gasses, bacteria with no feed

The stars went out on our story

And I was told you wouldn’t find others like me

…Did you?

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Aspergers creative writing Poetry reflections

Loathing

They say I don’t have many friends

Because I’m weird

Too odd to be included with us

And though outsiders hardly put up a fuss

To find out the source of grotesque hate

Every time someone tries to stand for truth

They’re shoved a heaping pile of revenge

And told to eat hastily from a broken plate

Reflections of self loathing in mannerisms

Deflected onto unsuspecting witnesses

My plight is a mountain heaved by millions

Yet special to this very one, painless it isn’t

But teaching moments arise

with every breath

I struggle to breathe, but refuse to be dead

Aspergers may take my fun, and my friends

It may take my relationships, chance for love

But it cannot take my name

Depression can tame my fire, not extinguish

My smile will wane

But not retire

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Aspergers creative writing Poetry reflections

Lacking

I’ve never smiled, like ever

Somehow, I just seem to be under the weather

Bad mood, got a taste for crappy food

Wings and fries to drown the lies

Batter the truth, my lease on love is grease

I toss out in the trash

I’ve felt friendly, but the good vibes don’t last

Somebody finds me lacking, some girl I like

Finds me less than, boring, or weak

I take everything so fucking personally

I know I shouldn’t, but how can I not

I know that I was born this way, but somehow

I feel like it’s my fault

I didn’t ask to be born this way, but sometimes

God wants to be entertained a little, I guess

Stumble over air cause I lack balance

Stare at everything cause I’m just weird

I’m learning about you, but I can’t say it

Cause that’s weird too

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Aspergers creative writing Poetry reflections

Always (Me)

Tell me, do you ever think

What we could have been

When the guilt passed, and the messages

Stoped coming

Did you think of me then?

Just. When. Did. The. Pain. Stop.

For me? For you? Whenever I got on top

Did I ever? I remember so little, and so much

Transpired, but I’m always tired

So I missed your texts, your calls, so you

Found someone who wouldn’t, and didn’t

It made sense to everyone but me

So you talked to everyone but me

And now I feel like everyone is free

But me

But me?

I didn’t to make you feel this way

But I didn’t know how to be sane, for myself

Me

It’s always me

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Poetry reflections

Reminders

Sometimes the best time to be human is when you’re in pain. When everything hurts. When everything is stinging and throbbing and you begin to wonder what angel you pissed off. Or what drug your mother was on that led to your birth. When the nettles and thorns give way to crimson teardrops. Sometimes this is the only time I’m ever happy. That’s why I keep chasing people that I know don’t give a shit about me. I love pain. I need to be held up, then thrown across a thousand seas. I need to be kissed, then cracked on the head with an iron hammer. I need to be broken, so I know I am whole. I need to remember that I’m still human, and if this is the only way then so be it. I see the fictitious persons that fill my peripheral. They have no idea how lost they are. But pain strikes reality back into me, and I soon find out I’m not alone. Not unique. Not special in any way. And I breathe again. Because I realize that in spite of all my normality, someone loves me enough to keep me living.

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Aspergers Poetry reflections

Love Fails

We are the reason love fails. We are the reason love dies. We are the reason love shatters our hands, riddles our heads, and ruins our hearts. We are the reason we reason ourselves to be unlovable. We are the reason we reason the ones who catch our eyes to be weak. Whenever they don’t fall for us, there must be something wrong with them. They must have low standards. They must have a wrecked self esteem. Rather, could we not be projecting our own weaknesses? Maybe we’re the ones who are needy, and thus lonely. Maybe we are the ones who are sick. We are not in need of love, then, but time. Time to reflect on our past, present, and ever approaching future. Time to ponder our reasons and ideals. Time to appreciate the very existence of time. And in time, all this time that’s passed, you may not have found a lover. But through these careful actions gained the greatest love: the love of self. The love that says I need to heal before I try to heal you. I need to become stronger before I can become a pillar for you. Not always a rewarding process, but unequivocally essential to crafting a patient and caring human.

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Aspergers Poetry reflections

Give Up On You

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Aspergers Poetry reflections

Lies