For Texas and Louisiana (Live Another Day)

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Warm winds blow

Over dusty lands

Grasses shrink underneath bare rocks

And trees link arms

Sun is afraid to shine

Upon what is to come

They want no part

Waters rise high above us

Oblivious towards what is coming

We humans, so fictiously cunning

Berating mother earth

In danger of becoming

Nothing

Once the waves come

And waters rise above the dams

Damn humanity

Damn our need to be powerful

When we should only seek

To be at peace

Now lives are swept away

By torrents of rain

Too much to drain

Now I see brave men

Drop in from airplanes

Save me please, save me

So I might live another day

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Except For Me

WAMTAC

the lights are about to go out

as everyone falls asleep

the whole world seems to be slowing

except for me

somewhere in this blue

I’m standing still

because I’m fearful

of what I won’t do

and what you see

only worsens my condition

ashamed of your intentions

I bottle up

so you can’t listen

beat me, blind me

rape me, kill me

just please

don’t ever find me

I hate

how they see me

because I’m not

what I meant

to be

Silence Heals My Insane

wamtac

There’s a silence

That heals the insane

The wild, racing part of me

Never kept in check

By a voracious heartbeat

Dying to love you more

But hiding it all in life

Manic meltdowns

Leading to tear soaked pages

And curses uttered

From bottomless agony

Never meant to harm

But to release me

From the grapple of

The darkness

I still somehow

Can’t escape

 

If I Woke Up Next To You

WAMTAC

What would I give
what would I be okay to lose
if I woke up next to you
what would happen
to the animal inside
the beast that only I knew
if I woke up next to you
my days are too long
and nights far too short
cut the umbilical cord of joy
abort the fetus of happiness
cry me a river if you will
until it drowns the world
like a bitter pill to a suicidal teen
or a ten year old girl in a short skirt
a perverts wet dream
where would these horrors sleep
and bear their marks with wretched claws on my brow
even as I write to you
they weigh upon me now
I don’t deserve these shackles
chains span distances used to astronauts
if I woke up next to you
would you even recognize me
or would you stare into eyes
tormented by today’s wedding vows
and yesterday’s make-up sex
if I woke up next to you
it would all be a dream
because I could never love you
as much I’d want to believe
I beg of you
save me now
before long, I will puncture this heart
and do it myself
when I wake up next to you

I’m Sorry You Birthed An Autistic

WAMTAC

I’ve been called a lot of names during my years

jerk offs with egg heads for avatars

who never knew my wishes or fears

they didn’t care what I needed, or how I felt

just about the life they had been so unfortunately dealt

I’m so sorry you birthed an autistic

this isn’t the dream you wanted

but the drugs your partner did years ago

now have you haunted

I’m so sorry you have to live with an autistic

it makes you look bad, I’m sure

hand flapping and foot stomping certainly detracts

from your fake bravado and made-up demure

I’m so sorry you have to be seen with an autistic

you don’t look so cool now

when the person beside you covers his ears

at loud sounds

I’ve spent years feeling sorry

for people who care nothing about who I am

just a cute word they can use to impress friends

when chance shakes hands with a plan

just something to make dad feel ashamed about

for not noticing earlier, even though you yourself

no nothing about

my condition is a roadblock in your normal lifestyle

and you’ve cussed me out for planning things out

which, surprise

takes me a little longer while

but it’s okay, don’t worry you

I just keep it all inside

you say you had a hard day

if only you knew

invisible mountains mount heavy costs

until the heart struggles to beat

and the spirit finally declares she’s lost

slowly soul husband carries lifeless vessel

to rowboat tied to a dock

and under his arms he nestles her bosoms

and cries long into the night

the mermaids are bitter, hearing a song

more melancholy than theirs

and fish swim upside down in sadness

while the octopus is surprised

at the depths the chorus finds him there

when strength is breached

and the bridge does sleep

on ears run aground

only then does the struggle of a poet

become exponentially profound

 

 

Taking My Own Life

nano

I just might give up

on life

maybe get reincarnated

and allowed to make it right

everywhere I go

people seem to be laughing

and everywhere I go

the masquerade is crashing

I’m not ten anymore, I can’t hide behind my family

I’m nearly an adult, even though I don’t want to be

I don’t feel like I’m ready

I . Don’t. Feel. Ready.

I can’t make friends, my family doesn’t even like me

“he’s not much fun to be around” I heard my mom say

and brother and sister agreed

“he hears more than you think he does”

that’s also true

and it’s why I hate you

uprooted me out of my home

never gave me a chance to adjust

and threw me a few miles north

become a man I must

or risk losing all I ever had

which was just pens, notebooks,

a nearly full writing pad

just over 225 blog posts, three award winning articles

and one published in the October 2015 Edition

of Teen Ink

but they never let me think

the way I was created to

they just expect me to function

the way they do

no wonder I fail, you stupid asshole

excuse the profanity

but I just can’t take it anymore

no space to be an Aspergian

no space to be me

but underground has plenty of room

that I’m sure you can see

the tension is rising, the anger turning me raw

my mouth bleeds

from the pressure of it all

I read works of other aspies

and see how they overcome

(thanks Laina, Beth, Marisa, Keely)

(I’m sure I’m forgetting some)

but they can’t solve my pain

they can’t give me a family

that understands my name

talk behind my back, just like my Dad did

but told me he was this terrible person

and here you are, pretending to be holier than thou

I guess that makes you worse, then

all I’ve ever wanted

all I’ve truly wanted

was a family who understands me

someone who hears me

and someone who loves me

for who I am

not what they want me to be

not what their eyes can see

I am autistic, but human first

please, let me live happily

God forbid I tell them

how I feel

they’ll just shrug it off

the weirdo at it again with another squeal

so I bury it deep inside

deep inside my bones

it’s rotting my mind

stealing my time

and taking me away from home

or maybe I want it to

take me away from them

they don’t know me, they never will

I can’t be free, so to this heart

can I kill?

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty-Two: Where Are They Now?

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I’ve turned away a lot of people over my lifetime. Some I didn’t mind turning away (like my Dad, but that’s another story), and others I didn’t know well enough to care either way, but then there’s the ones I regret every single day. The ones you see in your reflection in the mirror. The ones they write songs about. The ones that make you feel less than human for ever letting go.

For me, there’s this one…it was this girl I met a few years ago. Around my age. Pretty.  Blonde. Lived in Baltimore, too. Funny. Very talented writer. Everything I’ve always wanted in a girl. I didn’t know what happened, but we just stopped talking. I couldn’t figure out why at first, and so I was mad at her for while. Maybe I just looked too deep into her, or maybe she was too shallow. Then it hit me.

I remember how I used to text her constantly. And call a lot (if you can’t tell I’m going against a lot of my aspergian tendencies. Tells you how much I liked this girl). I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t think it was wrong, for people who liked each other to talk a lot, and she took it well for a while. And then she told. “It’s really annoying” she said in an early morning text, and that was the last I’ve heard from her.

I didn’t know as much about my Aspergers then, and I didn’t understand that I was intruding on her personal space. I feel like a terrible fool nowadays, and I wish I could meet her just once to apologize for everything. We don’t even have to become friends, it would just feel good to actually be honest with her. I was desperate to make friends back then, so I never told her about my condition. Anyway, this is a poem about her. If she’s reading this, well, it may be too much too late, but I had to write this to bring some closure regarding the incident, and the hope that one day I’ll be able to make it right.

 

Boarded the number ten

as light rain sends the birds

scurrying to the shadows

there’s but a few men

seated sporadically

on the star speckled seats

time alone for this lonely soul

is a rarefied treat

I pass through my city

sober seems to be the mood

with the cloudy sky putting a dent

in many afternoon

some are talking on cell phones

other eating lunch

still steaming in brown styrofoam containers

some hustle down the blocks

some idle in green crocs

those shoes disgust me

Light Rail goes by

I think of heading to work

and enjoying a peach fry pie

on to the number eleven

passing the Charles Street metro

I can’t remember how to forget

how I was a lot more ignorant

and subsequently braver

how I’d approach her with confidence

and think of consequences later

I think she liked that

I think she liked that a lot

but the charm wore off

as the autistic traits I tried to hide

knocked on my wood

I kid you not, it shrunk

as time wore on, she became distant

and I become resistant

at the sight of what had become

and I haven’t heard of her in two years

what have I done

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Eighteen: What is Aspergers To Me?

WAMTAC

Aspergers

what is it to me?

A cancer

that only I can see?

A poison

drunk by the unborn soul at birth?

A dent, a scratch

that devalued my worth?

A bolt from a complete machine

that keeps me doomed

from reaching your sweet?

A scarlet mark on my chest

to serve as a marker

for scorn from the rest?

A road to suicide

because one spirit

cannot see a way out this mess?

I see it as all

and none

because I look not at what I was

but what I’ve become

I’m not what I’ve done

I’ve what I’ve overcome

A unique condition that challenges others

to accept what we give out sporadically

but challenges the autistic further

by forcing him or her

to accept what they are daily

See, others can chose to live us with us or not

but we must live with ourselves day after day

you can put on any mask and don any cape

try as we may, there is no other way

real autism doesn’t ask for money

because all the riches in the world

couldn’t buy us an once of normality

real autism only asks for your ears

that you listen to our wishes and fears

what we love and what we hate

why a pattern we are quick to replicate

and in time our words imprint on you something no

Benjamin could ever replace

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Sixteen: Crying On The Couch Because Aspergers Holds Me Back

WAMTAC

Head throbbing

stories in my head keep reoccurring

waking up is always a struggle

because life is a tussle

between anxiety and responsibility

desire and mental makeup

consistency and wish for a shake up

family, coworkers, strangers

they’re all the same

they don’t see the wave, they don’t know the pain

but they never could

and I don’t wish they would

the wave is silent, and it swallows

the water is deep, and I wallow

“drowning the tears of this Aspergian rain”

I once said, and say again

the silence drives me insane

past people I love, towards people I hate

past things I’d never emulate, yet do everyday

white as the winter, black as the summer

I stand out among the crowd

hoping not to be seen

keeping low, not to make a sound

narrow as her waist, straight as her hair

I’m to anxious to join you

and I won’t go anywhere

the jet black crow mocks my days

and I hurl stones at him

get out of my way

but I am the crow

you are the stone

I tell myself I’m okay

into your hands I play

only to be cast aside at the light of day

through self-depreciation

I raise you up

and I lower the white flag

at your approval

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Six: Songs I Go To When I’m Sad

Part of being an Aspergian is the constant mood swings. One minute, I’m happily doing something, and in the next I’m punching holes into walls (I did as a kid. I was a really angry kid.) Other times I start crying for no apparent reason, only to start watching Family Guy and burst into laughter when Peter knocks all Brian’s teeth out. The thing I love to do most when I’m down is listen to music, and there some certain songs that turn me around the best. If you’re on the spectrum, name the songs that YOU like to listen to when you’re having a bad day in the comments below!

 WAMTAC

Whitney Houston’s rendition of the Star Spangled Banner: I know this isn’t a song, but her voice is so beautiful, so powerful, it really lightens my mood. It’s a damn shame we lost her.

 

Sent By The Father, Ray Boltz: I’m not a Christian, or a big fan of their music (I find it hideous, actually), but Boltz’s passion is evident from the first word. How can you not be lifted by the truth in Christ coming down and rescue us from sin?

 WAMTAC

Dance, Dance, Fall Out Boy: This song is so fun to sing, and have you tried doing the dance from the video? The sexual overtones may deter the younger listener, but for me, I love the lyrics “I don’t wanna forget how your voice sounds. These words are all I have, so I write them. So you need them just to get by.”

 WAMTAC

Thriller, Fall Out Boy: This song is not only the perfect beginning to their greatest album, but it also speaks to me at a personal level. Citing their rise to prominence, I think of how I’ve risen too, from a shy kid to a published author, and the lines “cry on the couch all the poets come to life, fix me in forty-five” are just stunning.

 WAMTAC

I Don’t Care, Fall Out Boy: If it isn’t obvious, I’m a big FOB fan. Mainly, because of the lyrical genius, and as a poet, I can appreciate that to a degree others wouldn’t. Besides, as a social outcast, I gain strength from the lyrics “I don’t care what you think, as long as it’s about me”. Patrick Stump himself said he’s a shy guy, so I relate to him as well.

 WAMTAC

Confident, Demi Lovato: One, she’s my Queen. Two, it confirms everything I ever thought about Demi. I knew she was edgy for a while, but this song (and album in general) confirms it. While I don’t agree with all her political stances, I love artists that don’t just talk about being different, but back it up in song. What really is wrong with being confident? Whether that’s in public, or in the quiet corners of your home, it’s a message that can speak to anyone.

 

Knew You Were Trouble, Taylor Swift: I genuinely don’t even like Swift, mainly due to her craziness and the repetitive nature of her songs (singing about your latest breakup gets boring after a while), but I’ve liked this one for a while. Rather than just saying how bad the boy is, she blames herself too. “Shame on me now…”

 WAMTAC

My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark, Fall Out Boy: The very first FOB song I ever heard, I love this because it (along with every album since) is a brand new sound from my boys from Chicago. Whenever I feel down, I just scream the chorus “Light em up up up, light em up up up I’M ON FIRE”. It’s quite satisfying.

 

Reflection, Christina Aguilera: Okay, this song hits me in the feels every time, but it’s also thought provoking while being beautifully sung. (P.S her haircut in the music video is hot)

 WAMTAC

(All of Folie Et Deux, but mainly) Coffee’s For Closers:

I don’t know why I gravitated towards this song, and this album (the fans hated it, which is why they rarely ever play songs from it sadly) really, but I can’t stop listening. It’s arguably my favorite of all their songs, and between the lyrics, vocals, and violin solo at the end, it’s perfection in a bottle.

“Fly your cameras in the air, and wave ’em like I just don’t care. I will never believe in anything again…”

(I liked doing this so much, I might do a post compiling my favorite songs of all time)