Tag Archives: relationships

What You Could Be To Me

Sitting on the edge

of a busy road

humidity climbed out the back window

a girlfriend uninvited by parents

unfortunately temporary

rain makes the sky clear

and a calming breeze

wraps around the essence

of chocolate donuts and espresso

I picked up from work

thankful for my coworkers

boss

and wonderful customers

they make my job ever more enjoyable

and while they don’t know who I am

(maybe they do)

(that’s okay too)

I’m grateful they care regardless

as dark as I’ve felt

as troubled my thoughts are

as alone I feel I am

and as behind I feel to be

some people make it worthwhile

there are people I’ll get up early for

pretend to be open and happy for

smile for

extend a hand for

and if I close enough to you

care for

there’s very few people

I feel this way for

but they’re one of them

and you might be

too

 

If I Woke Up Next To You

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What would I give
what would I be okay to lose
if I woke up next to you
what would happen
to the animal inside
the beast that only I knew
if I woke up next to you
my days are too long
and nights far too short
cut the umbilical cord of joy
abort the fetus of happiness
cry me a river if you will
until it drowns the world
like a bitter pill to a suicidal teen
or a ten year old girl in a short skirt
a perverts wet dream
where would these horrors sleep
and bear their marks with wretched claws on my brow
even as I write to you
they weigh upon me now
I don’t deserve these shackles
chains span distances used to astronauts
if I woke up next to you
would you even recognize me
or would you stare into eyes
tormented by today’s wedding vows
and yesterday’s make-up sex
if I woke up next to you
it would all be a dream
because I could never love you
as much I’d want to believe
I beg of you
save me now
before long, I will puncture this heart
and do it myself
when I wake up next to you

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty: A Hypothetical Relationship Between Two Aspergians

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I figured it out

figured it out from black and white

I can’t pretend to be someone else

as much as I know it would make things right

between you and I

between you and I

I can’t be like them

the voicemail to God asking to make me normal

never got returned

and all these years

with countless advances spurned

now you know why

you and I

will never work out

because there’s no room for love

in the sea of my anxiety and doubt

You know I’d love you

to the moon and back

if I wasn’t so weird

and attracted to the beauty of the black

that’s what makes this so hard

I do and I don’t

have what it takes to be with you

and knowing I’ll never have a chance

shrinks any happiness

inside these pants

you and I

destined to be watchers, I suppose

without a hand to give one another

and filled with two hearts

that will never grow

passively watching the world go round

we cover our ears

at sudden sounds

and I’d call you out to dance with me

but we’ll miss subtly

of why I called to begin with

between you and I

it seems we were made for each other

but to everyone else

we’re just too desperate

to find other lovers

or too

disabled

we couldn’t get anyone else

anyway

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twelve: Rekindling Lost Emotions

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Left with more questions than answers

with multitudes unexplained

is this really happening

or is stiffness guiding my brain?

the possibilities have me going insane

but the past haunts me

a cloud, without a sliver

of silver, but instead horrid pain

a promise never

to think that way again

has been broken to bits

time and time again

what a catch, what a catch

you fleeting face

tempting me only once,

but dancing in each and every place

if I could have one for life

I know I’d choose right

but I’m too shy to choose

so at this game I continue

to lose

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Eleven: Guys Are Supposed To Make The First Move, But What About Autistic Guys?

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In the normal world, it’s usually the guy that makes his interest in a partner known first. (At least, that’s how I was raised.) And I’m perfectly okay with that. The guy should call the girl first, and he should be the one to make arrangements for dates and the like. Feminists and New Agers can argue with me if they like, but (most of the time) I’ll side with the old way of doing things. There’s just one problem:

What if the man is on the spectrum?

This is a big problem for guys with Aspergers, because it’s very, very unlikely that we would ever make the first move, and that’s where the problems begin. Shy and introverted, we aren’t the conversation starters, and thanks to our rigid nature and propensity, fall off topic, and miss the big picture, we’re actually terrible conversationalists. Furthermore, while it’s not hard for us to find people that we like…

…it is hard to express it.

When there’s a girl I like, I have a very hard time. First, I have to reconcile my growing anxiety with the desire to know the girl. That’s the first hurdle many of us (including myself) have yet to overcome. I don’t feel like the potential to discover a relationship is worth the headache and internal trauma, nevermind the fact it might not work on anyway. Then, actually speaking to her. And no, I don’t mean stuttering because you’re nervous or blurting out bits of sentences. I’ve done this (probably) way too much, and it explains my current relationship status.

Finally, “normal” people like see actions and emotions that back up your claims, and as an Aspergian, I can say this is where I fall the hardest. I’m stone faced 98% of the time (the other 2% is when I’m laughing at Family Guy), I don’t make any gestures, and I don’t really talk about myself, so the girl never gets to know who she’s about to become friends with, which I’m sure pushes a lot of them away. I know I’m happy on the inside, but because I rarely show it (and not in ways people are accustom to), I seem unfriendly, and thus, no one wants to be friends.

Escaping The Silent Wave Of Anxiety and Struggles With People

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Fell into bed, tired as could be

not from back-breaking work

but my Aspergian brain, you see

as an introvert, people tire me

and as courteous as I try to be

there are some days

where my pillow is all I want

I can walk for miles and miles

without breaking a sweat

but one too many people

and my nerves tingle

with an anxious fret

hard countenance

begins to melt from electric pain

and thoughts start racing

leaving dusty tread along these tracks

and all sensibilities desert in a manic frenzy

as if I were insane

there are some days

where I’ll do nothing but write

until I struggle to see anything

not lit with a computer back light

each word is a demon smitten

and each line is an apple bitten

in defiance of God and man

don’t eat this fruit, too late

I’m already on my third plate

I have no one, no one who knows these fears

I have no one, no one who sees these scars

they’re for me

and me alone

so I close myself up

inside my dusty home

like the Cancer that I am

I bury my head in the sand

and sleep away the days

until I’m ready

to walk that way

 

Fate Is For Closers, Kissing For Winners

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The drummer starts to bang

and the guitarist begins a heavy strum

The lead vocalist

guiding his band in perfect time

he knows what is to come

Black suits and white dresses

approach under sweeping moonlight

Hands reach out

and faces trade smiles, some bright

some small, but appreciative of all

for the next four minutes

time doesn’t exist

spin around your problems

twirl your fears out the door

and kiss the poisoned bottle

they couldn’t get you to sip

I ask her first

she asks my last

We ask how old

and we both laugh

I say she’s too short

she says I’m too tall

We agree we’re too shy

but glad we stopped by

She’s too white

to be with someone

so black

but we don’t care about that

Passion knows no race

and the heart doesn’t see color

it sees wings beating

desperate to hold another

Get close to her, feel her hands

and hips follow your every heartbeat

She trusts you

she loves you

and she’ll never believe anything else again

I never believed

this could ever happen

our meeting

really quite random

but as the violin

concludes the scene

her hands sliding from mine

wake me from this fever dream

Fate is for closers

Kissing, for winners

 

Recollections Of Youthful Corrections And What They Mean Now

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Say thank you

or please

Don’t forget to use a fork

when eating your broccoli and peas

Why are you tapping your feet

Stop making that sound

Why do you get so quiet

when she comes around

Why aren’t you listening

can’t you hear what I say

You ignore me, constantly

every single day

Why did you fail this test

when you claim to be better than the rest

And why can’t you sleep through the night

there’s something wrong, you’re not right

Why do always want to stay home

only weirdos want to be alone

Devereaux, look at me

your mood swings are driving me crazy

Me, me, me

but not you, you, you

if you paid attention

these symptoms wouldn’t seem new

My body is collateral damage

of a brains hostile takeover

and just seventeen years in

the course is hardly over

Sure I could do drugs

and calm the tension

Sign me up to snort some lines

off a prostitute’s ass

but what example would that be

to others on my path

So I do math

the best I can

and at making friends

I’m just another also-ran

But I write like hell

and on my thoughts you dwell

so that, like me

you can fight the bias and insecurity

that those on the spectrum face

we may be slower

be we’re still running this race

 

My Dreams Are Backfiring Worse Than A Civil War Cannon

abc

 I’ve got a sunset in my veins

and a glittery moon in my eye

I’ve got a pocket of tiny stars

wishing you won’t say good bye

Every week

I ask the same question

but like the vastness of space

the appeal is unheard, sights go in different directions

Every week

I leave unsatisfied

courage strong, but hope waning

cause eventually you’ll say good bye

And I have no reason

to not let you go

but I’d forever be remiss

if I didn’t let you know

that your words don’t fall

on deaf ears

and your colorful, kinetic energy

clears away potential fears

Passions and ideas

span the centuries

and revelations

inspire me

I don’t know about you, but I’d love to grow old

and I hope you’d want the same

Hope you have room for one more troubled soul

because I’ve got to take a pill to make this town feel good again

 

Thinking Of Someone Across Rivers I’ve Only Dreamed About

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 Have you ever had a feeling

that you just can’t let go

Have you ever had someone

you loved, and needed them to know

I’m trying to fight the emotions

not wanting to put too many things in motion

but these thoughts are causing a lot of commotion

I don’t know her, but I feel connected

and her words, the reflection of a beautiful soul

are never rested

I don’t know how she is, or why she is

but her words came to me for a reason

and I need to answer why

I’m writing drunk off rhymes

desperately giving off signs

from feelings cultivated by time

Have you ever had a feeling

that you just can’t let go

Have you ever had someone

you loved, and needed them to know

I don’t know how to approach

a blank face

and the time between us

a blank space

Do I put possibility ahead of reality

Or wishes ahead of rejection

And who are you

to stand in my reflection

If time is my correction, then I haven’t learned

if empty stares my guide, then I’ve spurned

what most would concede at defeat

I don’t know what keeps me up at night

I just hear the words, feel them whisper and tickle this spirit

I know it’s right

I know it’s right

and it’s crazy to fight for something you can’t see

but I know it’s right

Have you ever had the feeling

that you need to let her go

Have you ever had someone

you never knew, but were desperate to know?