What If I Told You

 

ee8f7357eee65f68ed3f3b1520e11ce3--enemies-quotes-fall-out-boy-lyrics

What if I told you

I wasn’t alone

and I had been lying

to you like her

I like you

(I adore you)

You’re a good person

(You’re my everything)

I think I’ll see you soon

(I love you already)

The darkness peels back

as the fabrics fall off

silky skin

Clothing lies in a trail

of tears in wonder

at the perfection

of delicate sin

Naked ambition

in a provocative rendition

of Leonardo’s Mona Lisa

Perfect woman

meets searching eyes

is there one inch

that doesn’t incite delight

Staring into crystal balls

falling back into the black

as we reach the pinnacle

of this devious waltz

Bodies tangled

reaching the fantasy of gravity

and the peak of agony

as quickly as she comes

we go our separate ways

the lights come on

and I’m jolted awake in pain

because what if I also

told you it was a dream

and I fell asleep alone

like every other night

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Still Burning For You

 

 

ghostsofroses

wrists tingle

and predisposition melts away

usually blown off

until something easier comes along

and steals my soul searching

every

single

time

until now

I have to feel it

everyday I’m reminded of the chasm

the wounds clotted but always bleeding

because I myself couldn’t let go

picking and eating

the waste of my youth

the blood of your choosing

to deny me the freedom

tastes ever so sweeter

and then melting my tongue

when I finally accept

that I was defeated

my own self worth

believing I could do no better

saw me murder and bury

the promised land I deserved

now I sit before it once more

again given the chance

I prayed for redemption

and someone listened

shocked at the mercy

ashamed I needed it

and empowered by the fate

I can have at last

Basically I Like You But I’m Really Bad At Saying Why

cb6474075cd14c1d5a571d2e5d272ebb--my-heart-it-judy-garland

when I like them

I become the oddest creature

you would ever witness

elevated well above

my natural habitat

I feel strong suddenly

and I am proud of that

I spill too many words

even my poems feel bare

and I rave inwardly of accomplishments

I’ll probably never reclaim

or I become insanely aggressive

not physically

but mentally

I choose my words more carefully

as to tell as much

through as little as can be

I become reckless

and careless of the journey

for the sake of destination

words meant from friends

become public access

now I am ashamed of the natural

and am left to reside

in a shell of tepid posture

and gradual resignation

I shall never achieve

whispers behind backs

become the bonds to my railway tracks

and every breath is a wheel

that makes death

a little more sadistic

 

The Trail Ran Cold Long Ago

cb6474075cd14c1d5a571d2e5d272ebb--my-heart-it-judy-garland

<cue the piano>

some day I wander

waiting for you

the trees grow green, then fade to brown

and here I’ve been

with only the sound

of faint breath

to stem the tide of anger

rising up inside

where are you

brown leaves are scattered with foot falls

as the crunching snow becomes my last call

the trail ran cold long ago

how far can a dove fall

before the crows come calling

the snow melts

under summer heat

but your darling face

I regrettably did meet

you ran far longer

and faster than I

not afraid of danger, the Queen of time

pushing boundaries until the end

no wonder your heart gave out

long before mine

<place hand on her heart>

 

More Afraid Of “Yes” Than “No”?

WAMTAC

I hate change.

I wake up the same time: between 6-7am

wear (basically) the same clothes: some combination of jeans, T shirt, and jeans

eat the same food: eggplant wraps, sandwiches, fruits, salads, occasional fast food, donuts

do the same thing: work, write, read, watch the news

listen to the same music: Fall Out Boy, panic! At The Disco, Ariana Grande, Demi Lovato, Nicki Minaj (she’s my queen)

 

The only change recently that I’ve actually welcomed is my friend counter going from zero to one with the addition into my life a very sweet and funtastic girl named Rosa.

 

I’m more aware of what makes me tick, and that has helped me cope when change does come, but it doesn’t take away the defensive mechanisms I was born with. I still get extremely emotional (mostly anger, even when the change benefits me) and it takes me some time to process it all. You can give me a second or three years and I’ll still respond the same. I would rather things just stay the same, and I know that would make this world very bland, but that’s me.

 

This brings me to why I wrote this to begin with: the girlfriend question. I’ve never had one, probably won’t ever have one, and wouldn’t know how to process it if I did have one. I few weeks ago I was thinking about an article topic, and this thought ran across my mind: “am I giving off energy that keeps me from having a girlfriend because I’m more afraid of yes than no?”

 

See, if I pursue a girl and she says no to me, then that’s fine. I’m a teenage black autistic poet (weird combo to say the least) I’m used to rejection. But if a girl says yes, that’s when problems arise. I’ve never had one before, so what do you call that? CHANGE. Not that I would ever be opposed to the idea, but my mental wiring would resist it (even if she looked like Kate Upton). I realized that while my heart would love it, my head hates it, and that’s why it hasn’t happened.

 

As I’ve talked about in some of my poems, I’ve deeply considering giving up. I realized that would never do because it’s never right to give up on something that is good. For now, I’ll keep trying. The wall has to come down eventually. What if, through trial, error, and repetition, I can make my brain more accommodating to change? (that sounds wrong but I needed to write it) I’m not a scientist, but I’m not going to call it impossible until I haven’t done it.

 

Until next time 🙂

 

 

What You Could Be To Me

Sitting on the edge

of a busy road

humidity climbed out the back window

a girlfriend uninvited by parents

unfortunately temporary

rain makes the sky clear

and a calming breeze

wraps around the essence

of chocolate donuts and espresso

I picked up from work

thankful for my coworkers

boss

and wonderful customers

they make my job ever more enjoyable

and while they don’t know who I am

(maybe they do)

(that’s okay too)

I’m grateful they care regardless

as dark as I’ve felt

as troubled my thoughts are

as alone I feel I am

and as behind I feel to be

some people make it worthwhile

there are people I’ll get up early for

pretend to be open and happy for

smile for

extend a hand for

and if I close enough to you

care for

there’s very few people

I feel this way for

but they’re one of them

and you might be

too

 

If I Woke Up Next To You

WAMTAC

What would I give
what would I be okay to lose
if I woke up next to you
what would happen
to the animal inside
the beast that only I knew
if I woke up next to you
my days are too long
and nights far too short
cut the umbilical cord of joy
abort the fetus of happiness
cry me a river if you will
until it drowns the world
like a bitter pill to a suicidal teen
or a ten year old girl in a short skirt
a perverts wet dream
where would these horrors sleep
and bear their marks with wretched claws on my brow
even as I write to you
they weigh upon me now
I don’t deserve these shackles
chains span distances used to astronauts
if I woke up next to you
would you even recognize me
or would you stare into eyes
tormented by today’s wedding vows
and yesterday’s make-up sex
if I woke up next to you
it would all be a dream
because I could never love you
as much I’d want to believe
I beg of you
save me now
before long, I will puncture this heart
and do it myself
when I wake up next to you

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty: A Hypothetical Relationship Between Two Aspergians

abc

I figured it out

figured it out from black and white

I can’t pretend to be someone else

as much as I know it would make things right

between you and I

between you and I

I can’t be like them

the voicemail to God asking to make me normal

never got returned

and all these years

with countless advances spurned

now you know why

you and I

will never work out

because there’s no room for love

in the sea of my anxiety and doubt

You know I’d love you

to the moon and back

if I wasn’t so weird

and attracted to the beauty of the black

that’s what makes this so hard

I do and I don’t

have what it takes to be with you

and knowing I’ll never have a chance

shrinks any happiness

inside these pants

you and I

destined to be watchers, I suppose

without a hand to give one another

and filled with two hearts

that will never grow

passively watching the world go round

we cover our ears

at sudden sounds

and I’d call you out to dance with me

but we’ll miss subtly

of why I called to begin with

between you and I

it seems we were made for each other

but to everyone else

we’re just too desperate

to find other lovers

or too

disabled

we couldn’t get anyone else

anyway

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twelve: Rekindling Lost Emotions

abc

Left with more questions than answers

with multitudes unexplained

is this really happening

or is stiffness guiding my brain?

the possibilities have me going insane

but the past haunts me

a cloud, without a sliver

of silver, but instead horrid pain

a promise never

to think that way again

has been broken to bits

time and time again

what a catch, what a catch

you fleeting face

tempting me only once,

but dancing in each and every place

if I could have one for life

I know I’d choose right

but I’m too shy to choose

so at this game I continue

to lose

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Eleven: Guys Are Supposed To Make The First Move, But What About Autistic Guys?

nano

 

In the normal world, it’s usually the guy that makes his interest in a partner known first. (At least, that’s how I was raised.) And I’m perfectly okay with that. The guy should call the girl first, and he should be the one to make arrangements for dates and the like. Feminists and New Agers can argue with me if they like, but (most of the time) I’ll side with the old way of doing things. There’s just one problem:

What if the man is on the spectrum?

This is a big problem for guys with Aspergers, because it’s very, very unlikely that we would ever make the first move, and that’s where the problems begin. Shy and introverted, we aren’t the conversation starters, and thanks to our rigid nature and propensity, fall off topic, and miss the big picture, we’re actually terrible conversationalists. Furthermore, while it’s not hard for us to find people that we like…

…it is hard to express it.

When there’s a girl I like, I have a very hard time. First, I have to reconcile my growing anxiety with the desire to know the girl. That’s the first hurdle many of us (including myself) have yet to overcome. I don’t feel like the potential to discover a relationship is worth the headache and internal trauma, nevermind the fact it might not work on anyway. Then, actually speaking to her. And no, I don’t mean stuttering because you’re nervous or blurting out bits of sentences. I’ve done this (probably) way too much, and it explains my current relationship status.

Finally, “normal” people like see actions and emotions that back up your claims, and as an Aspergian, I can say this is where I fall the hardest. I’m stone faced 98% of the time (the other 2% is when I’m laughing at Family Guy), I don’t make any gestures, and I don’t really talk about myself, so the girl never gets to know who she’s about to become friends with, which I’m sure pushes a lot of them away. I know I’m happy on the inside, but because I rarely show it (and not in ways people are accustom to), I seem unfriendly, and thus, no one wants to be friends.