Do You Wonder

Do you ever wonder what she thinks when you’re far away? Do you ever wonder if she wonders who you really care about? There’s times I think she’s become my second, my afterthought. The aftertaste of all the women on my lips is fecal in smell, and venom in my sight. I could never hurt you in such a way, but reputation is a funny thing to behold. One small slip, and all you’ve ever done is lost to the sea. Lost to memory. The tempest of wills, the chorus of voices that would tell me to distance myself from you scream far and wide. Somehow, for reasons unbeknownst to everything but my eyes, I cannot heed them. I will not. I’ve carried this dove so far. To let it pass by the wayside now would be abuse, and worse, a murder of good conscious. I may have let them take my life once, but I will not let them take you too.

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Love Fails

We are the reason love fails. We are the reason love dies. We are the reason love shatters our hands, riddles our heads, and ruins our hearts. We are the reason we reason ourselves to be unlovable. We are the reason we reason the ones who catch our eyes to be weak. Whenever they don’t fall for us, there must be something wrong with them. They must have low standards. They must have a wrecked self esteem. Rather, could we not be projecting our own weaknesses? Maybe we’re the ones who are needy, and thus lonely. Maybe we are the ones who are sick. We are not in need of love, then, but time. Time to reflect on our past, present, and ever approaching future. Time to ponder our reasons and ideals. Time to appreciate the very existence of time. And in time, all this time that’s passed, you may not have found a lover. But through these careful actions gained the greatest love: the love of self. The love that says I need to heal before I try to heal you. I need to become stronger before I can become a pillar for you. Not always a rewarding process, but unequivocally essential to crafting a patient and caring human.

Supposed

I thought people cared about each other

I thought people cared

About the deeper meanings

Behind I need you, I love you

I thought she would be different

Than all the others

Time

Is supposed to make me feel safer

In her arms

A Heart Growing Darker

Two Advil on the countertop

Jack underneath my pillow

Hardcore synced to the TV

And a few tattered verses stuck to the wall

The sun shines too brightly

My alarm blares too suddenly

And everyone is asking me questions

The bus ride is empty but I huddle in a corner

Please god don’t let any ask me a question

I work in retail, so they do everyday

I work happily, but silently

Please stay out of my way

And you won’t have to deal with all my issues

Passive aggressiveness, mental illness

When I go to sleep, I hardly sleep

I dream of murder, riots, and hellfire

Somebody said I need to see a therapist

But maybe I need an assisted suicide

(It’s gotta be legal somewhere)

Your blood shouldn’t burn, but mine boils

Dreaming of you makes the pain go away

I want to see you again one day

I’ll walk a mile, I’ll walk a hundred thousand

Just to hear your voice again

And take away the strumming sting

Of a slow, unavoidable death

Patience, my dear, patience

Absence makes the heart grow darker

Inconsequential Tragedy

I’m not in danger of losing you

I’m in danger

Of losing myself

Poetry can be only so much of a diversion

To the reality that I am slipping

My mind races with dreams of eventual death

Reaching a head faster than I expected

Or even deserve

I can feel it in my bones, my breath

The calendar is turning, I don’t have much left

I feel privileged to have lived this long

But stopping now seems premature

Like my book dreams, like super bowl rings

For a team that struggled to win eight games

Somehow, for every step forward that I take

A deep seated feeling of pain grows

Blues that come but never want to go away

Am I a tragedy on two legs

Or simply mistaken about who I have become

Nobody wants to hear my words, apparently

My tragedy is inconsequential to you