Everything

Everything I see that’s crooked about me

Is restored by the mirror in your eyes

The pain, the shadows

They all become accessory in your light

Sometimes I’m afraid to come to you

You’re perfect, immortal in awesomeness

The totality of what I yearn to be

When I lie with you, we’re naked

Nothing but yesterday’s breath

And today’s sweat between us

We are one, you whisper, pulling us closer

I resist your touch, I’m a sinner in your sight

But you love in spite of the wrong

Each time I let you, I was given a closer look

You let me have all your body

And every time I came back

You gave me more

The sex is just a period on our emotion

Your delicious body just a note in my song

Spreading me open, head lost in a trance

I hold your head tightly

We shiver and shudder under the gaze of us

We cum and commence our devotion

Wrapped in your arms all I feel is safety

Comfort in knowing there is someone for me

You taste like my sweet bitter dreams

And rub away all of my demons

Each kiss blesses them with new chains

And fucks turns them away at the door

You taste

Like all my demons

–For my friend, Mandie 

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Shadows

It’s not when the shadows fall

Or when the crowds gather

When my dad said no

When she said no

When the publishers say no

When my prayers say no

When my check says no

When my neighbors say no

When the bloody streets, officers say no

When life seems to hate

Even the most primitive inkling of an idea of you

That’s not when I finally let the negatives in

No

The rain makes a hardier man

The hunger makes a quicker man

The storm makes a resourceful man

The loneliness makes a more loving man

It’s when everyone’s shouting my name

And telling me I’ve done a good job

When they’re clapping and lauding

It’s more yay than nay

Snapping than retorting

It’s when I’ve made it

That I realize I haven’t

Split

Hiding from myself

The memories boxed up and shipped far

Into the recesses of time

But when it’s cold, the shingles stir

Dark clouds gather on the horizon

Lightning shatters confidence and sways

Funnel clouds evaporate conscious efforts

I crack and crumble and admit my faults

I fucked up so many times, why am I here

I say all the wrong things, think thoughts

Of a murderer, of a slave, of a con

I do all the wrong things, push everyone away

Friends and family say things, and deep down

I know they’re right, but my ego gets hard

And I fight the truth I know inside

It’s so cold when the winds leave

And so alone without the thunder distracting

I can hear all my demons vying for my head

Splitting my heaven into hell

Next Time

The matches come out

And the winds die down

I look to my left, then right

Down below lies my city

And the memories I have of lying with her

Sleeplessness nights she comforted

Gave me words that fueled my passion

Dreams that awakened more dreams

Days melted in pictures I vaguely hold

But I have no love here

None that’s reached out, not that I can find

If I had, I would care

If I had, you’d have one more day

But I didn’t

So you don’t

Nothing left except watching them all burn

Maybe next time you’ll call back

That Man

Scared to be lonely

Scared to be close to you

Scared to be a slave to a finger

Scared to be free in myself

Just scared

The nighttime falls upon me so swift

The nighttime falls without forgiveness

The nighttime reminds of words misspoke

The nighttime reminds of hearts broken

Tailored

For disaster, my mind

For remembrance, my mind

For bitter memory, all time

For all time

Never to behold, merely to grace

Never to hold, merely contemplate

Never to love, only to lust

Never to die for, only to live

In bitter reflection

I could’ve been that man

One and Done

Advocate for me

Please remember who we used to be

And what we could’ve been

You were a mere conquest at first

Trying my hand at a game few can play

But you laid upon me a new gun game

Dominated my hours, my plans

Guarded my mind with feverish safety

Saved me from destruction like a medic

In the nick of time

But I tossed your heart

Underhanded grenade into the field of dreams

Your dreams, lovely

I took your time and attention

Left you with a hole in your heart

No revenge could fill

Now I’m left stunned and stimulated

Hindsight was not mine to meddle with

So let this poem be my call out

With no respawn

Pain And Indecision

I have memories endless

And the words to detail them all

Yet I pretend not to know my past

Saying it was all awash

And not worth the time to discuss

The rains fall upon oft-walked ground

Ipull out a drink, because only silence

Can truly understand why I bleed

The rain is cold, the winds creep through

Yet bare skin hardly shudders, I’ve endured worse

Glasses fog up, becoming a hindrance to life

I feel with my heart, the only thing that feels right

Now I can remember everything that happened

I can, but I still won’t tell

Nature knows what I’ve done, but I’m still afraid

I feel the eyes of another watching over me

Casting doubtful glances upon my soul

I have a knife that could end it all

The truth I withhold could set me free

But I love the pain, I love the indecision

It’s all I’ve ever known

Half Hearted

Maybe summer’s finally here

The sun shines long and hard

Blades of grass tall and firm

I see bees, young birds in the trees

The clouds don’t hide the perfection

Of a clear blue sky

Or maybe I’m just losing consciousness

The failed surgery on a heart long lost

And lungs pitiful and putrid from breath

Wasted on the legs of one I couldn’t have

My eyes are nearly liquid in their sockets

And my ears fell off years ago

A miserable corpse would be too kind

I am truly the walking dead

Never enough hatred to make me immune

To the darling voices of angels

Sent to save my sorrowful past

Just enough love to make them think

I was worth saving

Simply, I cannot go on as I am

Simple and secluded, I am little as a man

But I am exhausted from being told I’m alive

I am tired of being the only true dead

Among the masses of half-hearted

Fall Out

Bitter winds

Swept up in a fury of grief

The darkness hides the scars

The crimson lines around a pregnant mind

Pounding on the door for another line

On my knees promising you anything

For another shot at life

I didn’t give a fuck about sleep as a child

Now I can’t get enough

Cause I’m always running from their thoughts

And pretending not to hear the condescending

I’m never afraid to run into crowd

It’s staying there that gets me in trouble

I can’t say it any more plainly

I’m angry, I’m lonely, I’m just tired

The world and I don’t understand each other

I’m growing older and branching out and

And I think I might fall from the tree

Vessel Of Troubled Thoughts

The method of my madness

Is the confidence in blackness

In a meadow of white flowers

Some roses, some saps

In a forest of unintelligible raps

Small, handcrafted lines don’t stand a chance

And they never gave me one, no endorsement

But with patience and practice I absorbed it

Now wherever I go I pen the deepest passion

Without inspiration, just routine, no rations

Of any emotion I might be feeling at the time

Be it anger, be it guilt, be it sadness

That often warms as a thick quilt

Draped over a sick child in fits of agony

Don’t look at my misery, don’t behold

The catastrophe

But you can’t help but read, I can’t help but write

The tasers, headlamps, and body cams

The prisoners, the sentencers, the tweeters

They don’t scare me

Not nearly as much as I scare myself

Digging up these solemn regrets

And showing them off to the world

As if I were a vessel of troubled thoughts

With nothing left to give