If It Were

if it were physical

I’d cut you off

if it were mental

I’d forget to remember you

but I think this connection

sees deeper than the tide of sun

or the unluckiest tempest of the sea

and though we’ve disagreed

in levels of silence, decadent ignorance

unpalatable by most conscious beings

each time we found open fields once again

maybe we’ll stop bickering

start rebuilding

bridges towards old paths forgotten

and memories of new dreams embodied

in the wishful words

I do

trying

no woman

but I’ve carried children

infant dreams, youthful potential

reckless if I sleep, potent

going on my fifth sleepless night

because everything I create with my hands

I’ve seen with my third eye

everything I love, I was loved by

in my own mind

I’ve been let down, and I’ve been scarred

but blood is just a sign that I’m human

still beating, still breathing

still writing words that keep the world believing

in itself

and each other

don’t call me your mother

but I’ll never turn down a child, fatherless

yet protector of everything I hold dear

ride or die but they can never say

I didn’t try

Thought

Tell me, do you ever think

What we could have been

When the guilt passed, and the messages

Stoped coming

Did you think of me then?

Just. When. Did. The. Pain. Stop.

For me? For you? Whenever I got on top

Did I ever? I remember so little, and so much

Transpired, but I’m always tired

So I missed your texts, your calls, so you

Found someone who wouldn’t, and didn’t

It made sense to everyone but me

So you talked to everyone but me

And now I feel like everyone is free

But me

But me?

I didn’t to make you feel this way

But I didn’t know how to be sane, for myself

Me

It’s always me

Desperation

Desperation, you’ve always had my back

Motivation has never lacked

For stamina, for stability, or for feast

I’ve always run away from everyone

So I can better appreciate anyone

Through the understanding of myself, first

My insecurities have delved deep into skin

Turned it into concrete and left to dry

I glide through the steaming bog of disgraces

And the gunners placed on high

Dedicated to destroy the birth of self esteem

Feast on the years of loneliness and shame

Fattened calves of watchmen adore the pain

Until I threw that person out a window

Shattering not just panes, but paths of death

One I was destined to die without change

Now my heart’s been rearranged

And though my head may function the same

I’m no longer ashamed

Because I know why

Mind

Got a gift from the divine

Call it cynical, call it unethical

I give it a name of truth: my one track mind

Sparing my ears from the chatter

Of ugly conversation plastered

In the larynx of the people around

My soul is infested with a parasitic heart

Loving the things that render it weak

Riding waves of cataclysm toward the brink

What can I say, I adore the edge, the drugs

Laced in the tongue of my stripper

She teases me to the realm of mystery

Then snatched back my head into her hands

Drink her poison till my bones mellow

Forever enchanted, I am not a lonely fellow

Blink of my eye, the world goes into pause

Lock step with her jaws, I swallow her sins

Until all of heaven rends in dismay

And when I wake up, she’s gone

I’m on a one way trip to hell

As I took every shot I could take

And kissed every crevice

That I couldn’t penetrate

Falling Short

Sweat on my back attracts

Biting bugs, lying amongst the thistles

They sense I’m alive?

Somebody knows something I don’t

Or didn’t

Cutting only bleeds you of temporary pain

But there’s nothing to ease

The immortal struggle

Of being seen and yet unseen

Loved yet wholly misunderstood

Shouldn’t they know who I am?

Should I?

Why do people get close

Just to rip out your heart

A token of their mortality

By taking your immortality

A sword in the stone, a magicians trick

Making you believe you have a say

In time’s greatest trip

Taking you out, where the riptides are sly

The oceans beautiful, but the view

Is better from below

And wouldn’t you like to know

What secrets the waters beneath

Have for us all

When ships scrape the bottom

They carve love songs, promising get reward

Yet always fall short of the promise

To Do

Sit me down

Close my eyes

Let me sigh, let me die

No

Wait, don’t do that, just

Tingle with my conscious

Spark the ignition, then light it on fire

Let me live and love, then hate myself

For ever trying to be with you

So sick of being so close, yet so far

I’ll give up, hang the self, fate is on

A rout

No doubt, the cycle will continue

Will anyone be moved by my story

Stirred by my pain

I’ve cried so much, I just sit and stare

Red with anger and a loss for words

Yes, me, stunned with no key or clue

There’s a threshold of doubt

Then what I’ve been left to do

What is there

To do?

Don’t Call Me

Don’t call me strong; cracked glass eyes

Shatter into a stream of blood

Tears fill the creek where we swam

There was a time long ago, before the shade

And shallow, I’d listen to you talk

Glide on the tips of maple

The water, the water, always more crystal

Tomorrow

Love echoed through the trees

And I’d never write save me, save me

Because you’d always be there, to realign

The muscles in my face always calmed

My sweet Novocaine, pumping ecstasy

Lovely, now I see

The colors of autumn ripped down to black

Ashes of summer’s sacrifice, rotten carcass

Swelling gasses, bacteria with no feed

The stars went out on our story

And I was told you wouldn’t find others like me

…Did you?

Loathing

They say I don’t have many friends

Because I’m weird

Too odd to be included with us

And though outsiders hardly put up a fuss

To find out the source of grotesque hate

Every time someone tries to stand for truth

They’re shoved a heaping pile of revenge

And told to eat hastily from a broken plate

Reflections of self loathing in mannerisms

Deflected onto unsuspecting witnesses

My plight is a mountain heaved by millions

Yet special to this very one, painless it isn’t

But teaching moments arise

with every breath

I struggle to breathe, but refuse to be dead

Aspergers may take my fun, and my friends

It may take my relationships, chance for love

But it cannot take my name

Depression can tame my fire, not extinguish

My smile will wane

But not retire

Being Kept Alive

Surfing on waves of sin

To find the gold at the end

Of a world gone to hell and back

And back again

Sometimes the worst thing

Is to do something

They try to sell me diamond rings

Ladies fake implants, and cash never ending

But who’s getting big momma out the hood

Why is public school still getting our kids

We’re sending them down a path poorly paved

And far too often tread

It’s like we want them dead

These homes have walls gorged with lead

Putting our sons heads to shame

Police trying to cage us just won’t ever work

Because we were meant to be free

But when you’ve lived all your life a slave

How do you adjust? How do you cope?

Nobody ever asks if we know how to thrive

Just enough money, just enough food

Just enough hope to keep us alive