Telescopic Nod Into My Mind

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darkness falls over me

as I write away the day

the poet inside grows louder

don’t mock the God’s with your success

likes and views will fail before heaven

write about how I’ve strayed

and the women I’ve watched before midnight

blackness calms the raging nerves

still anxious from the day’s work

the temptation to stray away from these words is great

but short on worth

words circle my head like vultures

above the dead

I am the dead

I am dead

and the words are what make me

rhymes and lines are the only magic of my life

everything else facade and fabrication

autistic misrepresentation and African American limitation

the words you read of mine

are the telescopic nod into my mind

but I don’t always write the truth

shame from the youth

hides me from you

you think you’re ready

but if only you knew

I write about the pain here and there

but the scars don’t go anywhere

I pick at the wounds this moment now

crimson lines drip from the brow

and onto the page which I lay my heart

these poems are my life

but they tear it apart

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Trapped In A Cage Of My Own Making

 

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no words are said

but you know what I’ve done

I could try to hide, try to run

but I’d be wasting our time

I might as well confess

then at the crest of the truth

I sink down and swallow

Another green lie

Another blue deception

I’m falling for you out of desperation

the water swirls around my mouth

the disco turns silent now

and the chorus of discord

rings in my head so loud

confusing

contradicting

I am animal

trapped in the cage of my own making

This Is For The Aspies

 

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(As of now, this is my favorite poem I’ve EVER written)

This is for the aspies

Locked way in their rooms

Drawing, writing, reading, singing

Trying to fight off the anxious meltdown

Sure to come soon

This is for the aspies

That couldn’t get homeschooled

And had to suffer in public school

I cant imagine what that was like

And if you got through, thank you, but it’s not right

This is for the aspies

Who wear the same outfit everyday

And flap their hands when excited

I see the stutters, stares, and stumbles

And I love it

Because this is for the aspies

That don’t get the recognition they deserve

I’ve seen the hands and heard the tongues that produce beautiful words

Works of science, art, and math

Or maybe something simple like just making their own path

This is for the aspies

You never see, but always find

Too anxious, too shy to notice the time

They’re there, but won’t trust

Their own voice

This is for the aspies

The ones that can’t find love

Or don’t know what to do with it

You’re amazing no matter what they say

No matter

This is for the aspies

I’m crying for you, I love hearing you

Because my own home is yours

Connected and tired of the correction

Your home is mine

This is for the aspies

Broken but not without fight

Or riding free, with everything going right

This is gospel for us all

Don’t let the outside take our life

Victorious (When You’re Autistic Like Me)

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(Whew. Two book rejections in one day had me feeling down. Then this came along…)

Victorious

In spite of everything they said

Victorious

Even though we only get glory once dead

Victorious

In these poems that are bled

Victorious

In the words that aren’t said

 

Night and day I fight a battle against you

These feelings I have aren’t even close to new

Sometimes I feel so left behind, but you knew

Sly grin, haughty chin, it can’t be true

 

They say they’re active but they’re hardly aware

How I love your lips and the way you do your hair

Caught you by surprise? I see you everywhere

But the will top take your hand, ask you out just isn’t there

 

We’re far more alike than they ever say

But our seismic differences keep getting in the way

I could hope and dream, and I do everyday

But call a timeout, coach I can’t play

 

I like you girl and you would know it

If I had a normal brain that could show it

Talk to you, laugh with you, show some emotion

Barriers breaking down in devotion

 

But I haven’t found it

Either that, or you’re still in the closet

Don’t worry, I was there too

Afraid to be me, I missed so much, that’s true

 

Now I’m victorious

Autistic as can be

No longer in need of your sanity

I stand on the inside of your outside

My life, my words come from insanity

Less is more, more is less

When you’re victorious

Like me

Sung The Blues, Swallowed Them Too

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stunning seconds of solitude

come from broken breaths

heartbeats come less

space between your ears

widens

deepens

falling off the radar

you are

because nobody wanted to see

the misery

professionals couldn’t explain the pain

just give him two of those

three of these

a shot of that

he will stop foaming eventually

so I sung the blues

swallowed them too

I became more insane

because of you

evenings spent banging

holes into walls

maniac running down the stairs

the crutches rarely stopped the fall

never paid attention

not at school, not at life

so many colors flowing through my veins

you’d think I supported Pride

I could never understand

why drug addicts stare

as if they can remove your soul

and give you theirs

but now I see why

tripped by the police

arrested for driving under the influence

caught unawares

and I’m sure

no one will ever see me there

not until I’m old

really really old

when my hair turns grey

hands begin to fold

 

Except For Me

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the lights are about to go out

as everyone falls asleep

the whole world seems to be slowing

except for me

somewhere in this blue

I’m standing still

because I’m fearful

of what I won’t do

and what you see

only worsens my condition

ashamed of your intentions

I bottle up

so you can’t listen

beat me, blind me

rape me, kill me

just please

don’t ever find me

I hate

how they see me

because I’m not

what I meant

to be

Silence Heals My Insane

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There’s a silence

That heals the insane

The wild, racing part of me

Never kept in check

By a voracious heartbeat

Dying to love you more

But hiding it all in life

Manic meltdowns

Leading to tear soaked pages

And curses uttered

From bottomless agony

Never meant to harm

But to release me

From the grapple of

The darkness

I still somehow

Can’t escape

 

Playing To The Beat Of The Winds

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silent rolling hills

grasses still

as the trees standing above them

watchful soldiers

on the eve of battle

there’s a flower garden too

yellow

and purple petals particularly pushy

each inching higher than the other

for light

red brick preventing

further advance

Stonewall Jackson

come again

there’s a pretty little girl

dancing in the middle of it all

serenity mixed

with delicious vulgarity

as played with herself to the beat of the winds

enveloped me

fully clothed

yet confidently nude

in expression

and in awe of wonder

there’s no one to tell her

how to dress

or how to live

so she danced

she danced

and everyone that came near her

became white as the milk

that dripped

from her bosoms

 

 

Daytime Is A Bastard To My Existence

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Cast aside

torn apart

by wolves

picked clean by vultures

and sapped of any manhood left

by desperate bitches

wishing not to be able to walk

when morning light

strikes their thighs

still gleaming from my light

injected into their living

yet lifeless

souls

trudging in the desert

frost bitten by the night

the moon closes the wounds

with songs sung by starlight

till I’m asleep in a dream

sunlight opens them up again

tearing my spirit

ripping the soul

daytime is bastard to my existence

and the clouds are the mob

mocking me with cover

only to reveal rays brighter

sharper

than before

eating food takes energy

and it tastes sweet for such

a short time

I wish it never did

to begin with

where I’m walking

mishappen footprints may tell

a flock of crows

drone on and on

If only I was David

I’d strike them with thunderous bolts

and eat their brains fresh

as nature

did to mine

when I was born

I was not given eyes

to see people

nor the ears

to hear them

I can only guess

how they feel

and predict after practice

what their words mean

those genuinely cunning

and others

desperate for a one night stand

they’re all bred

from the same cloth

and the fire

turns all to dust

 

You Want Me? Guess Again: An Aspergian’s Question To The Outside World

 

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I get the feeling people love me, or hate me. Some people can’t stand my presence, which doesn’t bother me much because i probably can’t stand theirs, and then there are people that i just can’t seem to get rid of. Like the people that constantly message/text message/whatever me. There’s only a handful, and I mean a handful, of people i actually enjoy talking with. The rest I entertain out of courtesy. My pure aspergian self would just ignore them, but that won’t get me anymore. I used to do that when I was younger, and while I still struggle with daily conversation I’ve progressed a bit and faking it (because thats what it really is) to keep people interested. Still, I struggle in meeting new people and making people interested in me. To most people I seem fairly bland (God, family, school, writing, and my Chiefs. Wow.) and the fact I’m ugly too doesn’t help.

I don’t know how to make myself seem “cool”, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve stopped caring because “cool” doesn’t mean anything in the real world. I wonder what makes me seem interesting to some people,and not to others. It’s crazy, and furthermore, I don’t know how to respond when people say they like me. Aspies lack that “sight”, if you will, and so it only complicates things when it comes to social interaction. I turn away people that like me, because I appear to be unsure myself in what I want. Maybe I’ve turned away a few of you. I don’t know. Apparently you neurotypicals don’t just say “I like you” or “I want to be friends” and instead embark on long and ridiculous stretches of nonverbal mush.

Help me, please.Maybe I need a class on body language. Like, when chicks start opening and closing their legs. What does that mean? And why? Or when people lean towards you when talking? It feels SO DAMN WEIRD.

Ah, life. Thank god I can write poetry. The only way I can explain myself without going absolutely crazy.

 

I am

an Aspergian

often times

regrettably

So, this is to the girl

who’s out there

thinking

I fall in love easily

Do you know

what you’re getting yourself into?

Do you know

what this entails?

Are you ready to pick me up

if I fail?

Will you be strong

when I am weak?

Can you make my heart

beat?

Will you leave me

if I fall?

Or what if

I don’t respond to your call?

When I want to be

alone

Will you

still call my arms “home”

What if I don’t hold you

will you find someone else?

What if I can’t love you

will you leave me cursing myself?

What if I don’t understand the first time

or the second?

Will you wait with me

until the forty-second?

What if I don’t get up

because the world makes me tired?

Will you wake me

and make me inspired?

What if

I’m shy around people

Will you gossip

and encourage the evil?

What if I don’t

know how to dance

will you still give me

a second chance?

What if I don’t know

how to have sex

Will you fail me

like a second grade test?

What if I can’t

kiss you?

Will you forget that I also

miss you?

When I

don’t want to talk

will you stay by my side

as we walk?

When I want

to be silent

Will you shatter me as you

fight it?

I’ll never be

that guy

but can you

give me the chance to try

to not be someone

else’s dream

but to be my own

crazy thing

that hates crowds, spontaneity

and scraping sounds, lately

but loves poetry, nature,

and a girl named Demi

Maybe I’m a little weird

I’m sure you’d agree

But my heart may be open

for you and me