Swirling Clouds Of Rage

 

don’t let the sun

go down on your anger

but by the looks of my heart

the situations couldn’t be any plainer

 

never cared about me

robbed my soul, took my spirit, and lost the key

stripped me of something I could never see

but entrusted to you so faithfully

 

where is it now

in the depths beneath, or above in clouds

I’m the left speechless, because it can’t be found

backed into a wall, nine millimeter with no rounds

 

stole my life like a hit down the foul line

I never believed it would happen to me

but sitting alone in this empty room

fate loves to swoon, then ruin you soon

 

standing near the river, waters crystal clear

driven far away from the one I thought most dear

now the fish nibble at the water

for the flesh of a father

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Once and For All, Torn Apart

deep underneath the guise

of dedication to fortune and fame

is the hollowed out heart

suffocating on its own misfortune and shame

will crushed into powder

to keep up the hallucination

of their minds ultimate game

of hunter and creation

spirit and soul

turned against each other

a stone to the head silences any doubt

Cain has killed his brother

sometimes I wonder

why I was even born

what is my purpose than to boil

in the cosmic soup of my own scorn

why do I love to hate myself so

beat my lungs until I’m sore

with words and writings

of a car crashed soul

there’s no where to put

this blood I’m losing

out of madness comes bruising

and organs shipped in cooling containers

because I’m basically tearing myself apart

these heavy breaths are the floating ark

in the flood of my heart

once and for all, torn apart

Eternally Autistic

dragging me from fantasy

into a foster home

of brutalizing reality

I don’t think well on my feet

slow

slower

now, stop

not exactly friendly

so I’m the last you’d want to meet

you’ll gravitate towards another

I feel so much

but in front you, dumber

you might hear

“autism is fake”

but I tell the truth when I say

I was born this way

so miserable me

will always bounce between

anxious and quietly content

eternally

 

Panic Stricken Heart Of A Lonely Autistic

Staring at sunlight

falling behind fading clouds

as the crickets sing each other to sleep

I turn away from the world

slide down the wall

trying to feel where the breaths hurt

the floorboards creaking

and the backdoor shaking

brings back memories

I tried to put them out

no amount of rent could cover the charges

of eighteen years of pain

but they don’t listen to me, they don’t care

they made fun of my name

Fearing the worst, I back into a corner

putting my hands in front of my eyes

maybe they’ll take me

take me away for good this time

that’s foolish, because they never do

enough hate to paralyze you

but just enough love to open you up

to make you do it all again

the lights outside try to find me

but I’m hidden in the deep

you can call my name

but I’m hidden in a dream

the rabbit hole

that never ends

the doctor who said I was healed

was playing pretend

I live life one third open

and three-fourths closed

hating your presence mostly

but secretly wishing

 you’ll take me home

to a place of sunshine and clouds

flowering fields and trees

to happily cry under

and removing the doubts

that have plagued me for so long

I, finally, can lift my head

and sing a happy song

If only such a place

existed in my world

If only…