Staring at sunlight
falling behind fading clouds
as the crickets sing each other to sleep
I turn away from the world
slide down the wall
trying to feel where the breaths hurt
the floorboards creaking
and the backdoor shaking
brings back memories
I tried to put them out
no amount of rent could cover the charges
of eighteen years of pain
but they don’t listen to me, they don’t care
they made fun of my name
Fearing the worst, I back into a corner
putting my hands in front of my eyes
maybe they’ll take me
take me away for good this time
that’s foolish, because they never do
enough hate to paralyze you
but just enough love to open you up
to make you do it all again
the lights outside try to find me
but I’m hidden in the deep
you can call my name
but I’m hidden in a dream
the rabbit hole
that never ends
the doctor who said I was healed
was playing pretend
I live life one third open
and three-fourths closed
hating your presence mostly
but secretly wishing
you’ll take me home
to a place of sunshine and clouds
flowering fields and trees
to happily cry under
and removing the doubts
that have plagued me for so long
I, finally, can lift my head
and sing a happy song
If only such a place
existed in my world
If only…
