One and Done

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Advocate for me
Please remember who we used to be
And what we could’ve been
You were a mere conquest at first
Trying my hand at a game few can play
But you laid upon me a new gun game
Dominated my hours, my plans
Guarded my mind with feverish safety
Saved me from destruction like a medic
In the nick of time
But I tossed your heart
Underhanded grenade into the field of dreams
Your dreams, lovely
I took your time and attention
Left you with a hole in your heart
No revenge could fill
Now I’m left stunned and stimulated
Hindsight was not mine to meddle with
So let this poem be my call out
With no respawn
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Pain And Indecision

I have memories endless

And the words to detail them all

Yet I pretend not to know my past

Saying it was all awash

And not worth the time to discuss

The rains fall upon oft-walked ground

Ipull out a drink, because only silence

Can truly understand why I bleed

The rain is cold, the winds creep through

Yet bare skin hardly shudders, I’ve endured worse

Glasses fog up, becoming a hindrance to life

I feel with my heart, the only thing that feels right

Now I can remember everything that happened

I can, but I still won’t tell

Nature knows what I’ve done, but I’m still afraid

I feel the eyes of another watching over me

Casting doubtful glances upon my soul

I have a knife that could end it all

The truth I withhold could set me free

But I love the pain, I love the indecision

It’s all I’ve ever known

Half Hearted

Maybe summer’s finally here

The sun shines long and hard

Blades of grass tall and firm

I see bees, young birds in the trees

The clouds don’t hide the perfection

Of a clear blue sky

Or maybe I’m just losing consciousness

The failed surgery on a heart long lost

And lungs pitiful and putrid from breath

Wasted on the legs of one I couldn’t have

My eyes are nearly liquid in their sockets

And my ears fell off years ago

A miserable corpse would be too kind

I am truly the walking dead

Never enough hatred to make me immune

To the darling voices of angels

Sent to save my sorrowful past

Just enough love to make them think

I was worth saving

Simply, I cannot go on as I am

Simple and secluded, I am little as a man

But I am exhausted from being told I’m alive

I am tired of being the only true dead

Among the masses of half-hearted

Vessel Of Troubled Thoughts

The method of my madness

Is the confidence in blackness

In a meadow of white flowers

Some roses, some saps

In a forest of unintelligible raps

Small, handcrafted lines don’t stand a chance

And they never gave me one, no endorsement

But with patience and practice I absorbed it

Now wherever I go I pen the deepest passion

Without inspiration, just routine, no rations

Of any emotion I might be feeling at the time

Be it anger, be it guilt, be it sadness

That often warms as a thick quilt

Draped over a sick child in fits of agony

Don’t look at my misery, don’t behold

The catastrophe

But you can’t help but read, I can’t help but write

The tasers, headlamps, and body cams

The prisoners, the sentencers, the tweeters

They don’t scare me

Not nearly as much as I scare myself

Digging up these solemn regrets

And showing them off to the world

As if I were a vessel of troubled thoughts

With nothing left to give

What Words Bring

I had to get rid of me

To find Me

The suicidal depressions

And disappointment brewed

From pornographic misconceptions

The boiling, bawling anger I couldn’t control

Tearing myself from the flesh I called home

Descending into the valley, alone

I couldn’t come out until I figured how

Embrace my unique in a cookie cutter world

Screaming and crying until my nose would bleed

I was lost, so lost, it would seem

But when I went to sleep, I prayed to the walls

Please help me, lead me to something better

Something bigger and brighter than me

Everything in my eyes is failing, and I fell

Into dreams I haven’t had before or since

Wash my hands clean of the past

And embrace the new Me, the one you read

I don’t know what my own voice sounds like

Drowning in a chorus of many voices

Some needs are prioritized over others

But I always come back to the poet in Me

For words give me peace

Neither life nor death can bring

Bored (Simply Writing About Autism)

I became bored

Simply writing about autism

I felt like every one else

Just going on about the downfalls

The misery, the mistakes

It shouldn’t be ignored

But it has its place

I call it An Aspergian’s Chemical Romance

Because I mix love with the acidic burn

Of a childhood gone to waste

The adoration of poetry and prose

Through writing, failing, and gaining age

Withstanding the onslaught of emotion

And fear of being lost without a cause

This place became my refuge and devotion

Another round of poetic potion

Soothing rough edges of a world gone awry

Each line, each time, I raise the white flag

A sign that no matter what they call me

I will always be happy with how I’m made

I stain your glorious day

With a discord and blight

So you may never forget in your riches

There are those killed by your might

I felt with each breath a great pain

Now gone, this desire to feign my name

Nobody Listens To Me

Why should I listen

Nobody listens to me

When I say I’m tired, pouring on the pain

Becomes involuntary

Like the assumption that I’m slower

Or not there at all

Because I’m so still, so quiet

Thinking, wondering, adding

Really, you should try it

But don’t ever ask how I’m feeling, no

They only see what is thought to be insolence

And I became the last one picked for anything

I become the last on their minds, if it all

I become the first to reply, and the first to fall

Somehow I thrive and relish it all

The agony of being the only one in the group

Without someone who you’re close to

Who understands you, who cares about you

What I would give for a perfect son like that

But what I wouldn’t would be a longer list

Because in the space of time I am missed

I refuel with the words of my ancestors

Fellow writers, and leaders that inspire

If anyone is listening to me, it is them

Through the pages of history I am restored

Vindication shall be mine, and more

27

27

Riding off into the dark

Not a thank you

Nor a middle finger

Just a sigh

To keep the bind

Passing time

Till I blend my rhyme

With the flame in your eye

That punishes my good

Rewards my bad

And makes me wonder

Where I’ve been along

Time never seemed emptier

Days never felt so much like night

Till I put myself to sleep in the trust of your knife

Give the period of your wildest dreams

And I’ll show you

Worlds NASA will never see

Because you’re my star

Caught in gravity

Destined to tear each other apart

Wanting, Waiting, Wilting

Radioactive

This bond we share

Burning drives

Yet close and bare

Our skin, heated and alive

Melting the gap between space and time

Always seething, I can’t get enough

Humans have companionship, but we have love

Brighter than the sun, colder than Titan

The moon only shows us one side

Because we scarred the other

Unlike any other, this fire consumes all

Forever together

Live and die, Rise and fall

Wanting, waiting, wilting

The love consumes the very best of us

We hate the bond we share

Because it’s human, and that’s never enough

This Child Becomes Undone

Don’t mind

I’m just writing

Clues for you

Clues for your heart to follow

And yours hips to ride on

Write on

About how I don’t appeal to you

Your sensitivity, shaken, curiosity, awakened

Yet I feel I’m a pawn in your sea

But you’re the one to be sunk

By the weight of my words

The bitter past swells in the eye

This storm feeds off your attention

The beauty on the outside

Fuels the monster within

Never to be feared

And temporarily loved

I sleep with your soul, one eye open

Wishing while wild

To have this child undone