Tag Archives: love

I Didn’t Believe I’d Be Where I Am Today

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I didn’t believe

I would do anything that I’ve done today

I never saw, or even dreamed

that I’d be where I stand today

just a few years ago I couldn’t come out the house

in fear and angst at the outside world

just a few years ago I didn’t volunteer

and while confident in my abilities to be a published author

I never thought I’d have even a part time job

especially not in customer service

just a few years ago my whole life was porn and Madden

now I’m repaying the anger with hum of fingers on these keys

call me Darren McFadden

the anger I used to take out on my family

on strangers

on me

frustrated at the disability that I could never see

the desire but lack of strength to set this soul free

if only I could see the door trust me I’d make the key

now today I know I’m stronger than they said I’d ever be

when I put down the Clorox

and opened up my soul

to some guy living in the sky

I realized he could make me whole

He showed me that my condition

was a gift

put down the knife, put down the concrete

and mend this rift inside me

aspergers humbles me every single day

it reminds me that without him nothing will go my way

when I’m feeling down I put pen to paper and I pray

somebody please take this anxiety away

away

goes the pain

goes the regrets

go the doubters

and to everyone who saw me write nonstop

and said I was wasting my hours

this one’s for you

for the lovers

for the haters

for those who don’t know me

and those who wish they did

 

 

Alone

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Alone

this is where you wanted me

wild, untamed

and free

raw, uncut

to be true to myself

was the only must

the animal side of humanity

is only a breath away

when walking nude among the trees

is how we spend our days

call me out

to dine with you

among birds and beasts

we do ourselves

well into the shimmering light

under a blanket of warriors and twins

Venus kisses us goodnight

if home

is where the heart is

then the wild it is

until to death we are departed

 

Mysteries Among The Melodies Of Silence

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Sudden warmth arises

a soul

drunk on restful slumber

to a sea of green drapery

teasing the eyes away

from the naked beauty underneath

fawns bouncing among the meadows

when touched by misty morning air

rays of sun crown a head

as the lunar glare dusts feet

when sliding underneath the heavenly arc

birds rest on tan shoulders

like trees, strong but gentle

I come upon her

and discover a flower

pretty and pink

this is mine, my shining time

I watered it each day

until a seed was born

and carried our name

throughout history

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty-One: Something Beautiful I Haven’t Yet Put Into Human Form

WAMTAC

I can’t get enough of the way she moves

she’s so perfect

dancing long into the night with the groove

she’s so perfect, the way she moves

with hips so wide

and face so smooth

I wrestle with my heart, my mind

if I could turn back time

to before I was born

I wouldn’t have made myself like this

but here I am

with this condition of mine

I’ve got something to prove

and swimming in my veins

is the desire, the will

to make me fall in love again

twirling gracefully

she’ll soon call it a night

twirling seductively

I have to make her bite

I don’t have much to offer

looks seemed to skip this one

but as far as this room is concerned

I’m the only one

that stares long enough

and sits quietly enough

to hear the heartbeat

of a little bird

in the busty chest of a temptress

waiting to settle down and nest

with a forever lover

unlike any other

and that’s what I have over them all

just draw close to me soon

take my shaking hand in yours

so confident, so proud

and let us work the room

of life guided by infinity

with silence, and also with sound

I do, I do

I truly love you

and I’ve never been so damn sure

as I am right now

before your gazing eyes

and knowing all my past

will be made right

with a kiss, with a kneel

a ring, a veil

a storybook

waiting to be written

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty: A Hypothetical Relationship Between Two Aspergians

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I figured it out

figured it out from black and white

I can’t pretend to be someone else

as much as I know it would make things right

between you and I

between you and I

I can’t be like them

the voicemail to God asking to make me normal

never got returned

and all these years

with countless advances spurned

now you know why

you and I

will never work out

because there’s no room for love

in the sea of my anxiety and doubt

You know I’d love you

to the moon and back

if I wasn’t so weird

and attracted to the beauty of the black

that’s what makes this so hard

I do and I don’t

have what it takes to be with you

and knowing I’ll never have a chance

shrinks any happiness

inside these pants

you and I

destined to be watchers, I suppose

without a hand to give one another

and filled with two hearts

that will never grow

passively watching the world go round

we cover our ears

at sudden sounds

and I’d call you out to dance with me

but we’ll miss subtly

of why I called to begin with

between you and I

it seems we were made for each other

but to everyone else

we’re just too desperate

to find other lovers

or too

disabled

we couldn’t get anyone else

anyway

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twelve: Rekindling Lost Emotions

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Left with more questions than answers

with multitudes unexplained

is this really happening

or is stiffness guiding my brain?

the possibilities have me going insane

but the past haunts me

a cloud, without a sliver

of silver, but instead horrid pain

a promise never

to think that way again

has been broken to bits

time and time again

what a catch, what a catch

you fleeting face

tempting me only once,

but dancing in each and every place

if I could have one for life

I know I’d choose right

but I’m too shy to choose

so at this game I continue

to lose

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Six: Songs I Go To When I’m Sad

Part of being an Aspergian is the constant mood swings. One minute, I’m happily doing something, and in the next I’m punching holes into walls (I did as a kid. I was a really angry kid.) Other times I start crying for no apparent reason, only to start watching Family Guy and burst into laughter when Peter knocks all Brian’s teeth out. The thing I love to do most when I’m down is listen to music, and there some certain songs that turn me around the best. If you’re on the spectrum, name the songs that YOU like to listen to when you’re having a bad day in the comments below!

 WAMTAC

Whitney Houston’s rendition of the Star Spangled Banner: I know this isn’t a song, but her voice is so beautiful, so powerful, it really lightens my mood. It’s a damn shame we lost her.

 

Sent By The Father, Ray Boltz: I’m not a Christian, or a big fan of their music (I find it hideous, actually), but Boltz’s passion is evident from the first word. How can you not be lifted by the truth in Christ coming down and rescue us from sin?

 WAMTAC

Dance, Dance, Fall Out Boy: This song is so fun to sing, and have you tried doing the dance from the video? The sexual overtones may deter the younger listener, but for me, I love the lyrics “I don’t wanna forget how your voice sounds. These words are all I have, so I write them. So you need them just to get by.”

 WAMTAC

Thriller, Fall Out Boy: This song is not only the perfect beginning to their greatest album, but it also speaks to me at a personal level. Citing their rise to prominence, I think of how I’ve risen too, from a shy kid to a published author, and the lines “cry on the couch all the poets come to life, fix me in forty-five” are just stunning.

 WAMTAC

I Don’t Care, Fall Out Boy: If it isn’t obvious, I’m a big FOB fan. Mainly, because of the lyrical genius, and as a poet, I can appreciate that to a degree others wouldn’t. Besides, as a social outcast, I gain strength from the lyrics “I don’t care what you think, as long as it’s about me”. Patrick Stump himself said he’s a shy guy, so I relate to him as well.

 WAMTAC

Confident, Demi Lovato: One, she’s my Queen. Two, it confirms everything I ever thought about Demi. I knew she was edgy for a while, but this song (and album in general) confirms it. While I don’t agree with all her political stances, I love artists that don’t just talk about being different, but back it up in song. What really is wrong with being confident? Whether that’s in public, or in the quiet corners of your home, it’s a message that can speak to anyone.

 

Knew You Were Trouble, Taylor Swift: I genuinely don’t even like Swift, mainly due to her craziness and the repetitive nature of her songs (singing about your latest breakup gets boring after a while), but I’ve liked this one for a while. Rather than just saying how bad the boy is, she blames herself too. “Shame on me now…”

 WAMTAC

My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark, Fall Out Boy: The very first FOB song I ever heard, I love this because it (along with every album since) is a brand new sound from my boys from Chicago. Whenever I feel down, I just scream the chorus “Light em up up up, light em up up up I’M ON FIRE”. It’s quite satisfying.

 

Reflection, Christina Aguilera: Okay, this song hits me in the feels every time, but it’s also thought provoking while being beautifully sung. (P.S her haircut in the music video is hot)

 WAMTAC

(All of Folie Et Deux, but mainly) Coffee’s For Closers:

I don’t know why I gravitated towards this song, and this album (the fans hated it, which is why they rarely ever play songs from it sadly) really, but I can’t stop listening. It’s arguably my favorite of all their songs, and between the lyrics, vocals, and violin solo at the end, it’s perfection in a bottle.

“Fly your cameras in the air, and wave ’em like I just don’t care. I will never believe in anything again…”

(I liked doing this so much, I might do a post compiling my favorite songs of all time)

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Five: Things I Love About Being On The Spectrum

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Anxiety. Rigid thinking. Rigid acting. Inability to deal with sudden change. Aspergers gets a bad rep, in my opinion. Sure, I’ll probably never have any friends, and a future by myself seems more and more likely by the day, but that’s just one percent of life as an Aspergian. There are ALOT of benefits actually (don’t tell that to Autism Speaks), and tonight I’d like to share with you some of mine. If you’re on the spectrum, I want YOU to write what you enjoy most about being autistic in the comments below!

 Honesty: Being genuine is one of my favorite parts about aspergers. People can trust me because they know I’m going to do what I say I will. People can also come to me because I’ll give them honesty over something that makes them feel good.

 Attention to detail: Much to the chagrin of those very same aspergians (our inability to see the big picture is just as much of a curse as our attention to detail is a blessing), we are very good at details. I honestly don’t think I’d be a writer if I didn’t have aspergers, because the little things are what fuel my words.

 Focus: My family always points out (usually in a condescending way) how I can do the same things four hours and hours on end. And it’s true. The last two weeks, I’ve been working on a three-round NFL mock draft for the upcoming draft, and I’ve literally watched hours of tape and just as much in analyzing depth charts to plot team needs. This also helped me in school, because I could put my head and work for hours without much guidance. Safe to say, I owe much of my success to aspergers.

 Commitment: If only the girls that I liked knew this….sigh

Anyway, I am extremely committed. I hate not doing something all the way through, and I will go above and beyond to see the job done. Next month, I’ll be leading a tour as part of a project in my teen art group at the Walters. We needed a flyer/slogan, and guess who wrote it before the meeting was over? This one. Aspergians may be terrible team players, but give me a pen and some silence, and I’ll shake you out your shoes.

 Non-conformity: This may just come natural to aspergians, but I just refuse to do what everyone else does. During the first teen art council meeting after Donald Trump won the presidency, I was the only one in support of him. I had read about the countless crimes of Hillary Clinton (the child sex ring was most heinous), and I could not stand for her. I’m too young to vote, but I’m not too young to influence, and I refused to support someone who’s okay with hurting children for money. It didn’t make me any friends, but it did show that I can think for myself. This gets me in trouble in social situations, but I will not make small talk for the sake of making small talk. It’s useless to me, and I don’t care if you don’t like me if I don’t do it. As my favorite musician said: “I don’t care what you think as long as it’s about me.”

 Passion: I love what I do. I love writing. I love being in my art group. I love working at my job. And I love responding to poetry prompts on Twitter. And the biggest part? People can tell. To me, it’s more than just “going through the motions”. Once I start doing something, I get involved. I started posting poetry based on paintings in the Walters after I joined my art group, and I think you all loved the post with the pictures of donuts I did. As an Aspergian, if I’m in, I’m ALL IN. This would be great if I had a relationship…

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Three: An Open Letter To Autism Speaks

WAMTAC

To whom this may concern,

Recently, I read a post from https://loveexplosions.net/, and I was surprised at what it contained. The post showed the 2014 financials for Autism Speaks, and upon delving into the material, I was shocked at the specifics.

-Less than 4 percent (3.84% exactly) of your income went to autistic families, services, and grants, compared to 19.33% ($20,300,191) to salaries, benefits, and payroll taxes

-20.23% ($24,379,795) went to everything else. What is everything else???

I then decided to read on, and I found a November 2013 article from your co-founder Suzanne Wright from your first-ever national policy and action summit in Washington D.C. Here, I list some of her derogatory quotes:

“If three million children in America one day went missing – what would we as a country do? If three million children in America one morning fell gravely ill – what would we as a country do?”

“These families are not living. They are existing. Breathing – yes.  Eating – yes. Sleeping- maybe.  Working- most definitely – 24/7. This is autism. Life is lived moment-to-moment.  In anticipation of the child’s next move.  In despair.  In fear of the future.”

“So let’s dial back a minute and consider the babies being diagnosed with autism every day in this great country…..We know children from minority and lower income families are not getting diagnosed as early as they should be…How about in school?  Is there a national curriculum for our children?”

“Close your eyes and think about an America where three million Americans and counting largely cannot take care of themselves without help. Imagine three million of our own – unable to dress, or eat independently, unable to use the toilet, unable to cross the street, unable to judge danger or the temperature, unable to pick up the phone and call for help. This is a national emergency.”

As someone who has lived on the Autism Spectrum (I have Aspergers Syndrome, specifically), for seventeen years, all I have is disgrace and disgust in my soul at Miss Wright’s words. If three million children in America one morning fell gravely ill? Why does she make it sound like we have a disease? Autism IS NOT an illness, science has proven that. It is simply a neurological difference, yet your co-founder makes it seem like we have cancer or AIDS.

Of all her words, this stirred me the most: “Life is lived moment-to-moment.  In anticipation of the child’s next move.  In despair.  In fear of the future…” Again, you portray autism in a dark and dreary light. Life on the spectrum is difficult, yes, but not nearly as terrible as the horror show she attempts to portray. Despair? Fear of the future? It is evident by usage of cliché of doom and gloom ideals that Miss Wright has no idea what it’s like to be on the spectrum. My parents, for one, did not live in fear and slept quite well. Rather than force-feeding me sympathy and puzzle pieces, they gave me keys to understand my different but beautiful life. I read the books by John Elder Robinson, who worked with Autism Speaks until he resigned after being unable to reconcile his beliefs with the ones your organization stands by. I wonder why.

Finally, the last two paragraphs speak to the two biggest problems I, and other autistics, find with your organization: the constant depiction of autism as something incurable and debilitating, and the lack of information on adult life with autism. Miss Wright mentioned children or babies six times just in the quotes I’ve mentioned. What about teenagers? What about the elderly? Autism doesn’t just go away, as with the size of your organization, I’m appalled by the lack of information on this issue.  I’m 17. I have a part-time job. I’ve escorted my sister at pageants, so I know how to dress for special occasions. I’ve had friends. I’ve been in classes and camps across Baltimore. What I’m saying is that, while there are plenty of cases of those who struggle to do these things, you do not represent us fairly. You do not represent the highly functional side of autism, and that is a disgrace. If you actually looked at all autistics, if you actually had autistics working for you, Miss Wright wouldn’t have to ask “if three million children in America went missing”. She’d see that we are already here. We are here, living, breathing, and loving life.

As someone who has come to know many of those on the spectrum, and learned more about myself, I can say your organization does nothing but harm for those on the spectrum. You paint a negative light on autism, and so children will grow up hating their autism. That’s the worst part. Rather than embracing their unique and unalienable beauty, they despise it and wish they were “normal”. You make parents hate their children for having little autistics. Rather than giving hope and shining light on a faction of America still not completely understood, you cast a shadow on our life, and our light.

But the greatest sin of all isn’t the allocation of money, or the hackneyed ideas about growing up with autism. It’s that you convince the masses of what autism deliberately destroys: that we’re all the same.

 

 

Dial Tones Of A Car Crashed Heart

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Silent calls

from a treeless hill

on a wind-less night

echo through the deep valleys

and careen down the mountain sides

the voice is weak

repelled by opposing sound waves

and the strength of one’s beliefs

but the heartbeat is strong

fighting both sun and moon

to reach the nest of its destined lover

a voice has an end

but the heart will descend

to below the Marina trench

and higher than any comet

to join two in love

you cannot stop it

Tonight, unlike most nights

I’m really listening

if I could hear

for mere moments

then this heart

could be made unbroken

by the wings of my fellow soul

my lover

she’s out there

there’s too many for there not to be

maybe she’s writing too

or coming through

on the dial tone

of this car crashed heart