A Heart Growing Darker

Two Advil on the countertop

Jack underneath my pillow

Hardcore synced to the TV

And a few tattered verses stuck to the wall

The sun shines too brightly

My alarm blares too suddenly

And everyone is asking me questions

The bus ride is empty but I huddle in a corner

Please god don’t let any ask me a question

I work in retail, so they do everyday

I work happily, but silently

Please stay out of my way

And you won’t have to deal with all my issues

Passive aggressiveness, mental illness

When I go to sleep, I hardly sleep

I dream of murder, riots, and hellfire

Somebody said I need to see a therapist

But maybe I need an assisted suicide

(It’s gotta be legal somewhere)

Your blood shouldn’t burn, but mine boils

Dreaming of you makes the pain go away

I want to see you again one day

I’ll walk a mile, I’ll walk a hundred thousand

Just to hear your voice again

And take away the strumming sting

Of a slow, unavoidable death

Patience, my dear, patience

Absence makes the heart grow darker

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Deepest, Darkness Essence

Never mind the doubters on the outside

I can hardly withstand the onslaught

Of tremors in my head, the reminders

All the things I’ve done and said wrong

And each little nugget I tried to ignore

It call comes back, it comes back to destroy

Confidence, control, it’s laid to waste so fast

I truly have the self-esteem to match

Never able to fully ignore the call of the wild

The deepest, darkest essence of my being

All of the mishaps and broken dreams

Misplaced feelings as love wasted on death

Sucking down the erotic air of sin, I’ve been

Left

With the choice to fall deeper into the pit

Or pull myself high enough to at least

See the blood streaming from heaven

And into the cradle I call my words

My life, this time I can’t explain

My god, has the time gone by

People want me to be an adult

People want to be a provider

People want me to be everything

And then some

Been There

Been there, by my side

Resonating through our conversation

Intertwined with the distance we share

So finish the task

Because I’m with you

Till the end of the line

Answers can be found when we listen

Not to them, but us

Not to everything, but the little things

Assertive convictions kick down the doors

I’ll always search you

My curiosity delves deeper

Every time you say never mind

They ask me where you are

And I say the left side of my heart

See my devotion, look at the rhyme

Marshall law, my words have taken me far

Avenging the time I didn’t know you were there

Restless mind wonders when you’ll follow

Inside the chamber of my soul forever

Etched in the canvas of my dreams

I’ll Keep Running To You

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It was only when you turned away
That I remembered why I married you for
And here, now, I’ve done it again
I sought you out because I needed a savior
Not a lover, but a Christ
Not a wife, but a bearer of my many crosses
I would have stripped you, beaten you
And placed a crown of thorns upon your head
Called you despicable, wretched, and heathen
Before your friends and loved ones
 
And you would have taken it all in
Taken it all so well
And when
If
I ever let you down from the bloody stick
You’d do it all over again
Because you loved me
 
I wasn’t loved by anyone before you
I never found a home in anything before you
In the past I’d bury myself in bosoms
But that only lasted as long as I did
And when the night turned to day, I’d pay
They’d leave, and I’d have to start all over
I could never survive that way, then you came
My way, and I’ve never been the same
But I couldn’t keep myself from revealing itself
And the venom within reared up and took me
I am neither man or monster
But the passions of each combined
With timid, childlike sways of emotion
 
I am failure, failed, and failing
You can keep coming back to me
But I’ve already sold myself to the flame
Opening the door will only reveal
Different personas of a face
All the same

What Comes Next

How could I know they would betray me

All this time I thought we were inseparable

All this time

I thought we’d go to the end of line

But that line has been drawn suddenly

And it is here

Where we must depart

Going separate ways is in many ways foreign

To someone who has always had you by me

I’ve always made expensive mistakes

And you’ve paid each and every one of them

Maybe that’s why you have to leave

Because I pushed you away

Too soon I acted, too quick I reacted

And now I’m watching you leave, forever

Possibly

I didn’t know how to have friends, so I gained

Didn’t know how to keep, so I lost

Didn’t how I could die, so I lived

Now I’ve lived too much

You know what comes next

What Have You Done?

Clamped shut

By the eternal darkness

The moon turns away from my pathway

Even starlight fails to reach my feet

Hell sweeps up the dust of faded memories

They take shape and taunt

Today and tomorrow hide in the absence

Of honesty, of purity, and of sanity

Mind and body crumble, unable to evade

The ever present interdependent pain

Of breathing lungs and thinking brains

That deserve not life nor rights

But receive anyway

Deserving the highest form of pain

Yet given a second chance in spite of me

The mercy and grace is unbearable

Reflecting upon the burns on your hands

And the empty womb of an infertile heart

Feeling the cries of children you left for lost

Inconceivable wreckage lasting for millennia

What have you done?

To secure the futures of Mother Earth

Before Father Time takes you back?

Who created the sea and the land

That we pollute and irreversibly condemn?

Shame on our breath, shame on our hands

The spirits dance in unison for our disarray

We created, then created too much

We thought, then thought not enough

Living until we loved everyone but ourselves

Loving until we lived for everyone

But ourselves

Supposed To Be

Slip down

And say a prayer

Say a prayer for me

I’ve been warned before

Talk and they’d find out

Walk and they’d break me down

My sounds vex their souls, it pains them

To hear me speak out, against all odds

At all costs

Engines revving from a night’s long rest

The daylight inspires to be my best

No, requires

For those still trapped in the darkness

And unable to fight

The fire may eat me alive

But I don’t mind the thought of dying

I watch the world burn in ignorance

People fight at borders over topics

Bordering lunacy

Rap lyrics, star feuds, why so much debate

The fattest beg for platters

The hungry ask for a piece

Give me peace as I search for the fruit

Of labor pains and love

The beautiful children, untouched by grief

And the gripping talons of government

Turning lovers against one another

Where has the magic gone

Between me and you

Dancing upon the ashes of the negligent

Judges of our unity

Kissed away are the bailiffs and sheriffs

We are nothing and everything to them

The embodiment of everything they hate

Because it’s all that we’re supposed to be

Vessel Of Troubled Thoughts

The method of my madness

Is the confidence in blackness

In a meadow of white flowers

Some roses, some saps

In a forest of unintelligible raps

Small, handcrafted lines don’t stand a chance

And they never gave me one, no endorsement

But with patience and practice I absorbed it

Now wherever I go I pen the deepest passion

Without inspiration, just routine, no rations

Of any emotion I might be feeling at the time

Be it anger, be it guilt, be it sadness

That often warms as a thick quilt

Draped over a sick child in fits of agony

Don’t look at my misery, don’t behold

The catastrophe

But you can’t help but read, I can’t help but write

The tasers, headlamps, and body cams

The prisoners, the sentencers, the tweeters

They don’t scare me

Not nearly as much as I scare myself

Digging up these solemn regrets

And showing them off to the world

As if I were a vessel of troubled thoughts

With nothing left to give

What Words Bring

I had to get rid of me

To find Me

The suicidal depressions

And disappointment brewed

From pornographic misconceptions

The boiling, bawling anger I couldn’t control

Tearing myself from the flesh I called home

Descending into the valley, alone

I couldn’t come out until I figured how

Embrace my unique in a cookie cutter world

Screaming and crying until my nose would bleed

I was lost, so lost, it would seem

But when I went to sleep, I prayed to the walls

Please help me, lead me to something better

Something bigger and brighter than me

Everything in my eyes is failing, and I fell

Into dreams I haven’t had before or since

Wash my hands clean of the past

And embrace the new Me, the one you read

I don’t know what my own voice sounds like

Drowning in a chorus of many voices

Some needs are prioritized over others

But I always come back to the poet in Me

For words give me peace

Neither life nor death can bring