Vessel Of Troubled Thoughts

The method of my madness

Is the confidence in blackness

In a meadow of white flowers

Some roses, some saps

In a forest of unintelligible raps

Small, handcrafted lines don’t stand a chance

And they never gave me one, no endorsement

But with patience and practice I absorbed it

Now wherever I go I pen the deepest passion

Without inspiration, just routine, no rations

Of any emotion I might be feeling at the time

Be it anger, be it guilt, be it sadness

That often warms as a thick quilt

Draped over a sick child in fits of agony

Don’t look at my misery, don’t behold

The catastrophe

But you can’t help but read, I can’t help but write

The tasers, headlamps, and body cams

The prisoners, the sentencers, the tweeters

They don’t scare me

Not nearly as much as I scare myself

Digging up these solemn regrets

And showing them off to the world

As if I were a vessel of troubled thoughts

With nothing left to give

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What Words Bring

I had to get rid of me

To find Me

The suicidal depressions

And disappointment brewed

From pornographic misconceptions

The boiling, bawling anger I couldn’t control

Tearing myself from the flesh I called home

Descending into the valley, alone

I couldn’t come out until I figured how

Embrace my unique in a cookie cutter world

Screaming and crying until my nose would bleed

I was lost, so lost, it would seem

But when I went to sleep, I prayed to the walls

Please help me, lead me to something better

Something bigger and brighter than me

Everything in my eyes is failing, and I fell

Into dreams I haven’t had before or since

Wash my hands clean of the past

And embrace the new Me, the one you read

I don’t know what my own voice sounds like

Drowning in a chorus of many voices

Some needs are prioritized over others

But I always come back to the poet in Me

For words give me peace

Neither life nor death can bring

Bored (Simply Writing About Autism)

I became bored

Simply writing about autism

I felt like every one else

Just going on about the downfalls

The misery, the mistakes

It shouldn’t be ignored

But it has its place

I call it An Aspergian’s Chemical Romance

Because I mix love with the acidic burn

Of a childhood gone to waste

The adoration of poetry and prose

Through writing, failing, and gaining age

Withstanding the onslaught of emotion

And fear of being lost without a cause

This place became my refuge and devotion

Another round of poetic potion

Soothing rough edges of a world gone awry

Each line, each time, I raise the white flag

A sign that no matter what they call me

I will always be happy with how I’m made

I stain your glorious day

With a discord and blight

So you may never forget in your riches

There are those killed by your might

I felt with each breath a great pain

Now gone, this desire to feign my name

What Does It Mean

I want to be friends

But I’m a terrible friend

I reply

But what does it mean to reply?

Is it simply agreeing

Or following the hints at a greater point?

I don’t know

I want to be loved

But I’m a terrible lover

I love

But I honestly can’t explain the feeling

And I dunno if anyone’s ever loved me back

Is it actions? Is it words? Both? None?

I don’t know

Without Words, Who Am I

I’m falling into wordless whispers

Rap and pop filled nights

Paint a picture behind these bridges

Behind the words of these writes

I’m angered, I’m restless

In the pursuit of the passion

For these words there is no detour

This endless highway I will forever traverse

In these words, they can’t get to me

Stand behind these bars like a criminal

Yet freed from their boring ways, so cyclical

Long eyelashes and red lips kiss my fingers

Rushing her vulva over my face, so ethereal

Taking me somewhere I never wanted to go

But was always meant to be

The songs of night are the voice calling to me

And I leave them on speed dial

When I’m pushing a broom, cleaning my room

Or up late studying for that Math test

My mind’s racing, it’s always wild

And when I’m supposed to be listening

I’m thinking of words to write, a separate file

Where I store the very honest bits of me

Find them here

And learn how I came to be

I don’t talk much, but I write too little

I can always add another verse

Another stanza

Because without words

Who am I

Don’t Die On Me

Don’t die on me

I wish I could explain what you mean

To me

You’re a friend

And so much more

A lighthouse

To encourage me to aspire towards

A matchbox

To light me up and tear down the doors

That shut us out

The beat goes down, these words come up

Losing someone close to you is too much

And memories are never enough

For me

Don’t die on me

Because it’s not about me

But us

The world doesn’t know

What you have to offer

You’ve done so little

And yet so much

Let’s Talk About Love

Let’s talk about love

The familiarity of closeness

Through the drum of devotion

Beating mercilessly into the nights

Full of mercy and grace

From the gratitude to be in place

To be in this place, with you

Never further, never closer

Always at the right place and time

Beating my conscious daily

Because you’re always on my mind

And I’m okay with that

Because when I stare off into the woods

Feeling the wind at my back

The whispers in my ears

The lips on my cheek

I know why I fell for you

And why we’re here

All the words of tender fervor

All the stars are closer

When I think of you today

And while your dreams of me

Are on their way

Let’s talk about love

Ink Marks The Pain I Crave

Bloodshot eyes

Tremble under the weight of light

Stuck to bed for two days

Three nights

Swollen lips, burning head

I’ve gone astray

Some way, somehow

Waging war against the body of mine

Time after time we devour the lies

The graveyards mark our disdain

For truth

Stars twinkling in the infinity on high

Lead me back to you

I’m sorry if I said I needed you

I was so wrong, so wrong

I’m sorry if I told you I loved you

I was right, so right

Because I can’t just have you

I must possess your breath

Breathe in the presence of your being

I don’t care where we go

As long as we reach it together

Blood spilling from my eyes, ink searing

From my back, I fade in and out the black

And you’re there, forever

The sickness clamps throats so tight

But I cannot say goodnight

Not tonight

I’m sorry if I said I needed you

I was wrong, so wrong

I meant to say I wanted

This humanistic desire to taste and be hungry

To drink and be thirsty

To be born and undeveloped

To live and crave the final trembling of breath

I possess the worst and best

Of you

My Impossible Year

I’ve lost all hope

in humanity

because I’ve lost all hope

in me

I’m weaker than the dust

lost to the winds of the poorest farmer

I’m filthier than the eyes of the thief

always looking over his back

I’m the Katrina

to your poorly constructed soul

And the Trump

to your easily distracted mind

I can’t control myself

and alone, myself can’t control what I feel

I’m bleeding, soul sister

and my hearts too easily peeled

they see the sins, they see the tragedy

each breath I take

draws me closer to finality

and each step forwards

drags me backwards from reality

I’m standing in the rain

but I’m not cleansed

I’m standing in the open

but not worthy of assassination

I’m a drag on all of you

too loud to be ignored

but too useless to be near

I’ve lived yet another

impossible year

Morning Glory

today is tomorrow’s

yesterday

the circularity

is the amazing

yet the intricate differences

are what make it so intriguing

you may find the same thing

but never the same place

or time

morning glory

becomes evening dread

what will I wake to

if anything, again?