Tag Archives: hope

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty: A Hypothetical Relationship Between Two Aspergians

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I figured it out

figured it out from black and white

I can’t pretend to be someone else

as much as I know it would make things right

between you and I

between you and I

I can’t be like them

the voicemail to God asking to make me normal

never got returned

and all these years

with countless advances spurned

now you know why

you and I

will never work out

because there’s no room for love

in the sea of my anxiety and doubt

You know I’d love you

to the moon and back

if I wasn’t so weird

and attracted to the beauty of the black

that’s what makes this so hard

I do and I don’t

have what it takes to be with you

and knowing I’ll never have a chance

shrinks any happiness

inside these pants

you and I

destined to be watchers, I suppose

without a hand to give one another

and filled with two hearts

that will never grow

passively watching the world go round

we cover our ears

at sudden sounds

and I’d call you out to dance with me

but we’ll miss subtly

of why I called to begin with

between you and I

it seems we were made for each other

but to everyone else

we’re just too desperate

to find other lovers

or too

disabled

we couldn’t get anyone else

anyway

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twelve: Rekindling Lost Emotions

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Left with more questions than answers

with multitudes unexplained

is this really happening

or is stiffness guiding my brain?

the possibilities have me going insane

but the past haunts me

a cloud, without a sliver

of silver, but instead horrid pain

a promise never

to think that way again

has been broken to bits

time and time again

what a catch, what a catch

you fleeting face

tempting me only once,

but dancing in each and every place

if I could have one for life

I know I’d choose right

but I’m too shy to choose

so at this game I continue

to lose

 

I’ll Open My Heart Since You’re The Fever I Can’t Sweat Out

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The doctor peels back my skin

to see what I’m made of

Cook, he says, there’s a lot in here

you should be aware of

he’s nearly died

countless times

and attempted self-medication

with girls and rhymes

has him comatose

who knows

how long he has to live

once slow to breathe, taking life in

the lungs replenish at a fever pitch

and the added weight

of depression and diversions

will soon bust the sitch

of a heart, punctured long ago

with the snap of closed doors

and punctuality in unanswered messages

I now know, I’m a freak

and if there’s one face he had to meet

it would be yours

because for some unknown reason

his greatest addiction was the widest door

infinity could ever open

and with your fantastical spirit

his soul was broken

smitten

at the kindness of your ways

and the hope you instilled

to cross paths

one day

but there is a fever

he can’t sweat out

and as much as he writes

he is plagued by the doubt

one wish above them all

one hope to drown out the storm

and instill calm

in a shipwrecked soul

kindred spirits

beat of the same magic

and with a simple touch

this scene can become less tragic

let her mouth

form the cradle of his rebirth

and let your voice be small in content

but rich in worth

Miss, bring her close

and have her speak

in silent whispers

and make sure your name

he will always remember

 

 

What Only Soul Mates Can Hear

abc

 Neon lights

line my trip home

passing by dimly lit homes

with my head, alone

in silent wonder

at how one word

can tear a life asunder

ripping hearts out

at the seams

and replacing them

with incredible dreams

never cultivated, never imagined

but fulfilling every wish ever fathomed

as I write, looking at the stars

just passing by

I think of you, sparking somewhere far away

with swooping motions you draw me a picture

and at first, I don’t understand

but with a soft voice, she takes my hand

and pulls me close to her beating heart

suddenly, I see it

I see it all

and I love it

these stars have been aligning

for years

and with the sun no longer shining

I can see it clearly

with silent words

that only soul mates can hear

I plant a soft kiss on each cheek

and put the sword to each of our fears

 

The Last Motion Of My Aspergian Tragedy

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Long after the sun has gone down

and eyes have fallen to asleep

do I walk alone in my home

and my thoughts begin to creep

up the walls

down my spine

in and out this mind

that’s always thinking of the next rhyme

I open the door, and feel the midnight breeze

smell of crabs and shellfish, a salty sea

in my nostrils

and sitting down on cracked concrete steps

I let it all out

these steps saw windows shattered one Fourth of July

these steps saw a nest of baby robins go goodbye

these steps saw my brother taken away

these steps saw my mother betrayed day after day

these steps rarely saw me as a young boy

lost in Chronicles of Narnia, and Thomas toys

and growing older, I found a knack

for filling rooms with wooden railway track

and summer’s went by, without a care

of what I would become, or where I might go

just let me grab my gloves and boots and play

all afternoon in winter snow

but when I turned thirteen

my life become hell, and a fever dream

plagued me night and day

not knowing who I was

and why I might say things that really hurt

it was honesty to me, I knew nothing else

I didn’t care if others felt bad

I was a mess, a living tragedy

until one night something moved inside of me

a desire to be heard

a desire to be known

a desire to create something on my own

afraid to try something new, I wrote slowly at first

and terribly, at that

it was a bunch of seldom used words and crap

because I didn’t know how to listen to my soul

I didn’t know how to play my role

and silence turned to rage

at the sight of what I become

new diagnosis, but same fears

and newly cried tears

lined the storybook of my life

but then I met you

along with others in the blogosphere

and with tender words, you brought me near

and showed me the way

how to write with passion with poise

and how to speak in quiet whispers

yet cause a great noise

I became a better writer

thanks to you

and I learned more about myself

and I knew that while I may be on the spectrum

and slower than the rest

I was always encouraged by you

to give my best

I am grateful to everyone I’ve met online

because you gave me a second life

and bought me more time

to discover who I really am

you saw the real me,

I just needed to see it myself

you knew the real me,

I needed to take it off the shelf

I wear it proudly, I wear it with honor

this Aspergian label of mine

and regardless of your expectations

I will let it shine

and as I crawled back into bed

the sun’s light arising

I smiled inwardly

these heartbeats, I’d no longer be denying

 

Six Minutes And Forty Two Seconds

wamtac

 Underneath artificial lights

of lamps down the steep drop

of York Road

I called again tonight

to listen in

to this newly discovered soul

Someone says she’s always happy

to hear this voice

but it’s only truly real

when you listen for yourself

and hear the elation

of two minds appreciating the creation

of something neither one could have foreseen

even with the wisest of sages

We speak briefly

of school, writing, and weather

it’s short, but sweet

and ever-increasingly joyous to think of this person

I have yet to even meet

Why? I don’t know

My guess is as good as the distance I can throw

but I am thankful for her heart

to be open towards mine

for hands that craft bittersweet rhymes

and for a mind

that in some ways

is like mine

 

Phone Calls To Someone I’d Like To Know

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Sitting inside with sleet falling

hoping a special girl

will come calling

she’s got dirty blond hair

and a pretty little voice

that makes your ears melt

Standing by the window

staring into the dark

I dial the number

just the dial tone ringing

illuminates this lonely night

A crackling on the other end

then her voice

and suddenly I feel

like one of the other boys

A hi, I reply

and an hour transpires

before we say goodbye

it’s not what she says

it’s what she doesn’t

that slays my soul

that let’s me know

her heart

while tested

while put on trial

has come out stronger, for the better

and is fully whole

so I put the phone down

and dream away

thinking of when

I’ll see her one day

 

When You Want To Reach Out But Your Brain Says No

nano

 

I want to make friends, I really want to

but my insides want to fight it

bouncing between shy

and silent

you can’t ever say you’ve been this low

until you’ve tried it

They come, they go

they talk for hours

but they’ll never know

I just can’t say it

I don’t know how

I didn’t tomorrow, and I won’t now

Rather they make assumptions

and forget my existence

or let them know the truth

and the questions be endless

They don’t talk to me

and I usually don’t mind

but tonight I’m crying, I want to join in some time

I’m bland, I’m a bore

I don’t have any friends or the latest gossip

and I write poems at an age where writing is a chore

I’m getting older

and I feel like I’m running out of time

This condition, the control

this life, is it really mine?

When you want to reach out

but your brain says no

that’s the first sign

that it’s time to go

I want to try

and live another day

hoping that once, just once

the nod will roll my way

but if not

then I’m all too ready

to tie the knot

 

Fate Is For Closers, Kissing For Winners

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The drummer starts to bang

and the guitarist begins a heavy strum

The lead vocalist

guiding his band in perfect time

he knows what is to come

Black suits and white dresses

approach under sweeping moonlight

Hands reach out

and faces trade smiles, some bright

some small, but appreciative of all

for the next four minutes

time doesn’t exist

spin around your problems

twirl your fears out the door

and kiss the poisoned bottle

they couldn’t get you to sip

I ask her first

she asks my last

We ask how old

and we both laugh

I say she’s too short

she says I’m too tall

We agree we’re too shy

but glad we stopped by

She’s too white

to be with someone

so black

but we don’t care about that

Passion knows no race

and the heart doesn’t see color

it sees wings beating

desperate to hold another

Get close to her, feel her hands

and hips follow your every heartbeat

She trusts you

she loves you

and she’ll never believe anything else again

I never believed

this could ever happen

our meeting

really quite random

but as the violin

concludes the scene

her hands sliding from mine

wake me from this fever dream

Fate is for closers

Kissing, for winners

 

Don’t Say I’ll Do It Later, Tomorrow Doesn’t Exist

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I got published on SpillWords again! My poem, Just Because It was Bad, Doesn’t Mean It Was Beneficial, was posted this morning. If you could read and rate it, that would be awesome. http://spillwords.com/just-because-its-bad-doesnt-mean-it-wasnt-beneficial/

 

Tomorrow doesn’t exist

so live to the fullest today

tomorrow doesn’t exist

don’t let anyone stand in your way

No matter what they say

no matter what they tell you to do

live to the fullest today

do what you know you should

Dreams come, and dreams go

but you’re the only one that knows

how to make them true

Attack the norm

Defy the expectations

Be the best version of you

Wind, rain, or shine

always run, never walk

you’re not promised a single dime

and most of the time

we think we’ll always have more

Wait till next weekend, what about next year

but until you breathe long enough to live it

are you sure you’ve really got it?

What’s stopping you

put your head down, and run through the door

The world is waiting for you

This world, and so, so much more

Man, woman, black, white, gay, straight

there’s not a second more to wait

American, Russian, Chinese, European

you know your dreams, now meet them

We spend so much putting off what we want

thinking we can do it tomorrow

that we never get what we want

and so we spend life borrowing

someone else’s dreams

their leftover pixie dust

I say change the times

and make your own magic