Living Just To Die

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why do we live

just to die

if life is simply birth, death

and a deep, dark sleep

underneath all that we’ve left behind

why do we try

what inspires us to wake

day

after day

after week

after month

after year

what inspires us to take all that we have

and throw ourselves into the whirlpool we call life

with little or no regard to fear

what makes us so dignified

that in fighting for those we don’t know

we would lay our heads low

it’s not for a flag, or for skin

but for the breath we all need

to begin

and again

what keeps us happy on Earth

the only planet we’ve known

when there’s a universe to be explored

but we call one, tiny place: home

I can speak little for myself

so hardly for humanity

but this desire to do, not do

and do too much

was placed inside of us

because it makes us human

unlike anyone else

and I wouldn’t have it

any other way

 

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Once and For All, Torn Apart

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deep underneath the guise

of dedication to fortune and fame

is the hollowed out heart

suffocating on its own misfortune and shame

will crushed into powder

to keep up the hallucination

of their minds ultimate game

of hunter and creation

spirit and soul

turned against each other

a stone to the head silences any doubt

Cain has killed his brother

sometimes I wonder

why I was even born

what is my purpose than to boil

in the cosmic soup of my own scorn

why do I love to hate myself so

beat my lungs until I’m sore

with words and writings

of a car crashed soul

there’s no where to put

this blood I’m losing

out of madness comes bruising

and organs shipped in cooling containers

because I’m basically tearing myself apart

these heavy breaths are the floating ark

in the flood of my heart

once and for all, torn apart

On The Never Ending Love (That Could Be You)

 

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Sunset falls on me again

I feel breaths rise inside

and escape through partially open mouth

sighs of relief

the doors close

they say goodnight

finally

the poet inside springs to life

to someone I’ve always liked

talking to you always feels right

sometimes I don’t know what to say

but you always seem to know the way

what I mean, you’re in my dreams

is that okay?

sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever see you, K

eternity seems so far away

until wordplay becomes, dare I say

foreplay

to what? maybe nothing

maybe years of talk and nothing else

but no matter the occasion

you’re the book I’ve always had

and whenever I’m down

I go to my favorite shelf

pour upon pages of self delight

reading your story makes me alright

and just when I’ve given up

you inspire me to fight

maybe you’re nothing

just a passing fancy of my mind

but you could also be something else

the never ending love of my life

 

 

Reflections Of My Heart

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pouring for hours

it just won’t stop

but as the rain collects on the ground

I see reflections of my heart

 

the grease and dirt

washed away today

are my bad dreams, unforgettable hurt

only to return tomorrow

 

the puddles of mud

taking long time to dissapear

are the scars from everything

I wish I had never done

 

torrents of waste

trying to flow into tiny gutters

are the thoughts I once had

desperate to empty them in worthless days

 

the drowning insects

are the lives I’ve taken

without care, without denial

but not without regret

 

but finally, I see the work of the rain

clearing the filth away

this is me, redeeming my time

so I too might see the light one day

For Texas and Louisiana (Live Another Day)

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Warm winds blow

Over dusty lands

Grasses shrink underneath bare rocks

And trees link arms

Sun is afraid to shine

Upon what is to come

They want no part

Waters rise high above us

Oblivious towards what is coming

We humans, so fictiously cunning

Berating mother earth

In danger of becoming

Nothing

Once the waves come

And waters rise above the dams

Damn humanity

Damn our need to be powerful

When we should only seek

To be at peace

Now lives are swept away

By torrents of rain

Too much to drain

Now I see brave men

Drop in from airplanes

Save me please, save me

So I might live another day

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty: A Hypothetical Relationship Between Two Aspergians

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I figured it out

figured it out from black and white

I can’t pretend to be someone else

as much as I know it would make things right

between you and I

between you and I

I can’t be like them

the voicemail to God asking to make me normal

never got returned

and all these years

with countless advances spurned

now you know why

you and I

will never work out

because there’s no room for love

in the sea of my anxiety and doubt

You know I’d love you

to the moon and back

if I wasn’t so weird

and attracted to the beauty of the black

that’s what makes this so hard

I do and I don’t

have what it takes to be with you

and knowing I’ll never have a chance

shrinks any happiness

inside these pants

you and I

destined to be watchers, I suppose

without a hand to give one another

and filled with two hearts

that will never grow

passively watching the world go round

we cover our ears

at sudden sounds

and I’d call you out to dance with me

but we’ll miss subtly

of why I called to begin with

between you and I

it seems we were made for each other

but to everyone else

we’re just too desperate

to find other lovers

or too

disabled

we couldn’t get anyone else

anyway

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twelve: Rekindling Lost Emotions

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Left with more questions than answers

with multitudes unexplained

is this really happening

or is stiffness guiding my brain?

the possibilities have me going insane

but the past haunts me

a cloud, without a sliver

of silver, but instead horrid pain

a promise never

to think that way again

has been broken to bits

time and time again

what a catch, what a catch

you fleeting face

tempting me only once,

but dancing in each and every place

if I could have one for life

I know I’d choose right

but I’m too shy to choose

so at this game I continue

to lose

 

I’ll Open My Heart Since You’re The Fever I Can’t Sweat Out

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The doctor peels back my skin

to see what I’m made of

Cook, he says, there’s a lot in here

you should be aware of

he’s nearly died

countless times

and attempted self-medication

with girls and rhymes

has him comatose

who knows

how long he has to live

once slow to breathe, taking life in

the lungs replenish at a fever pitch

and the added weight

of depression and diversions

will soon bust the sitch

of a heart, punctured long ago

with the snap of closed doors

and punctuality in unanswered messages

I now know, I’m a freak

and if there’s one face he had to meet

it would be yours

because for some unknown reason

his greatest addiction was the widest door

infinity could ever open

and with your fantastical spirit

his soul was broken

smitten

at the kindness of your ways

and the hope you instilled

to cross paths

one day

but there is a fever

he can’t sweat out

and as much as he writes

he is plagued by the doubt

one wish above them all

one hope to drown out the storm

and instill calm

in a shipwrecked soul

kindred spirits

beat of the same magic

and with a simple touch

this scene can become less tragic

let her mouth

form the cradle of his rebirth

and let your voice be small in content

but rich in worth

Miss, bring her close

and have her speak

in silent whispers

and make sure your name

he will always remember

 

 

What Only Soul Mates Can Hear

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 Neon lights

line my trip home

passing by dimly lit homes

with my head, alone

in silent wonder

at how one word

can tear a life asunder

ripping hearts out

at the seams

and replacing them

with incredible dreams

never cultivated, never imagined

but fulfilling every wish ever fathomed

as I write, looking at the stars

just passing by

I think of you, sparking somewhere far away

with swooping motions you draw me a picture

and at first, I don’t understand

but with a soft voice, she takes my hand

and pulls me close to her beating heart

suddenly, I see it

I see it all

and I love it

these stars have been aligning

for years

and with the sun no longer shining

I can see it clearly

with silent words

that only soul mates can hear

I plant a soft kiss on each cheek

and put the sword to each of our fears

 

The Last Motion Of My Aspergian Tragedy

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Long after the sun has gone down

and eyes have fallen to asleep

do I walk alone in my home

and my thoughts begin to creep

up the walls

down my spine

in and out this mind

that’s always thinking of the next rhyme

I open the door, and feel the midnight breeze

smell of crabs and shellfish, a salty sea

in my nostrils

and sitting down on cracked concrete steps

I let it all out

these steps saw windows shattered one Fourth of July

these steps saw a nest of baby robins go goodbye

these steps saw my brother taken away

these steps saw my mother betrayed day after day

these steps rarely saw me as a young boy

lost in Chronicles of Narnia, and Thomas toys

and growing older, I found a knack

for filling rooms with wooden railway track

and summer’s went by, without a care

of what I would become, or where I might go

just let me grab my gloves and boots and play

all afternoon in winter snow

but when I turned thirteen

my life become hell, and a fever dream

plagued me night and day

not knowing who I was

and why I might say things that really hurt

it was honesty to me, I knew nothing else

I didn’t care if others felt bad

I was a mess, a living tragedy

until one night something moved inside of me

a desire to be heard

a desire to be known

a desire to create something on my own

afraid to try something new, I wrote slowly at first

and terribly, at that

it was a bunch of seldom used words and crap

because I didn’t know how to listen to my soul

I didn’t know how to play my role

and silence turned to rage

at the sight of what I become

new diagnosis, but same fears

and newly cried tears

lined the storybook of my life

but then I met you

along with others in the blogosphere

and with tender words, you brought me near

and showed me the way

how to write with passion with poise

and how to speak in quiet whispers

yet cause a great noise

I became a better writer

thanks to you

and I learned more about myself

and I knew that while I may be on the spectrum

and slower than the rest

I was always encouraged by you

to give my best

I am grateful to everyone I’ve met online

because you gave me a second life

and bought me more time

to discover who I really am

you saw the real me,

I just needed to see it myself

you knew the real me,

I needed to take it off the shelf

I wear it proudly, I wear it with honor

this Aspergian label of mine

and regardless of your expectations

I will let it shine

and as I crawled back into bed

the sun’s light arising

I smiled inwardly

these heartbeats, I’d no longer be denying