Tag Archives: honesty

The War Of Poetic Conviction

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Convention

waging endless war

against my unwavering condition

arrows of all kinds

and sizes

fly through the air in mass

darkening the sun as it rises

tipped with oil, tipped with fire

they rarely kill

but injure greatly

designed to cause will to waver

and crumble when the infantry

comes later

day and night the siege rains on

they cannot hold this city

but for so long

no food to re-wire my mind

no fountain to make me young again

cutting off my life support

the empty space I need to breathe

sanity drains from my mind

through an eternal sieve

even my blood turns a cold shoulder

like I’m afraid of living

the days of old

just when the night seems to end

the moon folds it’s hand

sneaking a cunning glance

at the sun and stars

as he pulls his winnings in a pile

the dawn turns towards the deceivers

eyes reddened with intense flame

with searing pain destroys the enemy

from this son comes poetic conviction

that topples the medical profession’s

worthless predictions

tone and diction, I’ve got it in my hand

to rally my soul brothers and sisters

it’s all part of my plan

The Good Doctor and Christian Wolf be damned

I’m tired of seeing us misinterpreted

given superhuman traits

just to make a cute story

our story isn’t for your entertainment

rather our struggles

cause lifelong derailment

tell them I’m coming

I’m going ham

 

Would You Rather Be The Disease Or The Cure

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Quiet room

never empty, never full

always wishing someone

or something

could find in it a use

sitting in the heat of summer

and the cool of winter

initials carved in the bed frame

remind the emptiness how much he misses her

dust collects on unattended shelves

as the shadows take off their masks

and rest in this somber place of dwelling

windows rust, and sight into the world

becomes anyone’s guess

not even the Titanic herself

compares to this tragic mess

how one can fall

from the height of life

to lows

even zombies couldn’t comprehend

caught up in a whirlwind of love, lust, life

and feigned shots at immortality

does anyone even know what’s a sin

would you rather be the cure

or the disease

doing wonders behind closed doors

or all-powerful at the expense of every living thing

don’t pretend

don’t pretend

 

The Love And Life Of Death

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The setting is a late May evening

and the sun is just beginning to wane

the grasses are as green as can be

the warm summer rays touch

skin darkened by the halls of recluses

and eyes drunk on the monotone beat

of a single heart

the horizon speaks to me

in ways no human could ever

color elicits emotion

only my darkest days would ever see

drooping sunset

with patch, see-through clouds

for skanky lingerie

calms me better than any

green eyed, freckled face

powered by an engine

stoked by fire of rejection

I reject the clown suit

appreciate the complexion

of life riding the fine line

life and death, I’ve seen both

lived and loved

both

I never knew

why the silence loved me so

treated me to knowledge

people seemed to refuse

I’m so hot

dirty mind, spinning you a web

of lust, lies

and forgotten faces

all in time

before the moon turns on her heel

and I fall into sleep

till our next divorce counseling meeting

 

I Didn’t Believe I’d Be Where I Am Today

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I didn’t believe

I would do anything that I’ve done today

I never saw, or even dreamed

that I’d be where I stand today

just a few years ago I couldn’t come out the house

in fear and angst at the outside world

just a few years ago I didn’t volunteer

and while confident in my abilities to be a published author

I never thought I’d have even a part time job

especially not in customer service

just a few years ago my whole life was porn and Madden

now I’m repaying the anger with hum of fingers on these keys

call me Darren McFadden

the anger I used to take out on my family

on strangers

on me

frustrated at the disability that I could never see

the desire but lack of strength to set this soul free

if only I could see the door trust me I’d make the key

now today I know I’m stronger than they said I’d ever be

when I put down the Clorox

and opened up my soul

to some guy living in the sky

I realized he could make me whole

He showed me that my condition

was a gift

put down the knife, put down the concrete

and mend this rift inside me

aspergers humbles me every single day

it reminds me that without him nothing will go my way

when I’m feeling down I put pen to paper and I pray

somebody please take this anxiety away

away

goes the pain

goes the regrets

go the doubters

and to everyone who saw me write nonstop

and said I was wasting my hours

this one’s for you

for the lovers

for the haters

for those who don’t know me

and those who wish they did

 

 

If I Woke Up Next To You

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What would I give
what would I be okay to lose
if I woke up next to you
what would happen
to the animal inside
the beast that only I knew
if I woke up next to you
my days are too long
and nights far too short
cut the umbilical cord of joy
abort the fetus of happiness
cry me a river if you will
until it drowns the world
like a bitter pill to a suicidal teen
or a ten year old girl in a short skirt
a perverts wet dream
where would these horrors sleep
and bear their marks with wretched claws on my brow
even as I write to you
they weigh upon me now
I don’t deserve these shackles
chains span distances used to astronauts
if I woke up next to you
would you even recognize me
or would you stare into eyes
tormented by today’s wedding vows
and yesterday’s make-up sex
if I woke up next to you
it would all be a dream
because I could never love you
as much I’d want to believe
I beg of you
save me now
before long, I will puncture this heart
and do it myself
when I wake up next to you

You Only Know Who You Think I Am

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Poetically cunning

words leaving brains and hearts humming

and while you’re eager to read on

you only know who you think I am

late night writes with Pete Wentz in my ears

in attempt to ward off nightmarish fears

but I put on a smile to cover it up

so you only know who you think I am

work is mental drudgery, and family is worse

but my good moods come in spurts

they think I’m okay

but you only know who you think I am

inside I feel like I’m dying

and this week wants to make me stop trying

but I don’t tell you what’s really going on

and you only know who you think I am

I stand in the pouring rain

there’s little I like better

but you think I’m insane

and I let you believe who you think I am

I sit by myself, I have no friends

hell, it takes me ten minutes just to press send

you think I’m antisocial and crude

stupid world, you only know who you think I am

I write everyday

to reveal everything

and nothing

to make you think you know who I am

I am depressed, anxious, angry, and dejected

broken, shy, disheartened, and rejected

failure makes me afraid to try again

socially I have to pretend

I hope I’m not like this forever

because there’s gotta be someone out there

I just haven’t met her

or I did

and I failed her

(now I’m regretting everything again)

you no longer have to guess, now

you know who I really am

 

Aspergers Will Always Be By Our Side

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I need more routine

and less surprise

I need more notebooks

to keep track of my thoughts as time flies

I need more honesty

and less romance

I need you to shut up

and let me listen to Dance, Dance

I’ve dug trenches you’ll never see

to keep all the abuse you have given me

I write until there’s nothing left to share

and the energy used to crowd please leaves me threadbare

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by our side

I only write to you

to help you take back the time

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by your side

I only write to you

to take control of the lies

Brothers and sisters

in self-depreciation

believing the myths spun by deceivers

for many generations

unsure of where to go

with nowhere to run

the world is just too loud

so to skulls some put guns

you are the human you choose

not what the world decides you are

in a world hellbent on being on conformity

I stand on a hill from afar

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by our side

I only write to you

to help you take back the time

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by your side

I only write to you

to take control of the lies

Silent Wave won’t go

Cocoons are comfy won’t go

neither will Beth

or the Cynical Reject

every autistic, every aspergian

shout we won’t go

because we are what we love

not who loves us

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty-One: Something Beautiful I Haven’t Yet Put Into Human Form

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I can’t get enough of the way she moves

she’s so perfect

dancing long into the night with the groove

she’s so perfect, the way she moves

with hips so wide

and face so smooth

I wrestle with my heart, my mind

if I could turn back time

to before I was born

I wouldn’t have made myself like this

but here I am

with this condition of mine

I’ve got something to prove

and swimming in my veins

is the desire, the will

to make me fall in love again

twirling gracefully

she’ll soon call it a night

twirling seductively

I have to make her bite

I don’t have much to offer

looks seemed to skip this one

but as far as this room is concerned

I’m the only one

that stares long enough

and sits quietly enough

to hear the heartbeat

of a little bird

in the busty chest of a temptress

waiting to settle down and nest

with a forever lover

unlike any other

and that’s what I have over them all

just draw close to me soon

take my shaking hand in yours

so confident, so proud

and let us work the room

of life guided by infinity

with silence, and also with sound

I do, I do

I truly love you

and I’ve never been so damn sure

as I am right now

before your gazing eyes

and knowing all my past

will be made right

with a kiss, with a kneel

a ring, a veil

a storybook

waiting to be written

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Seven: Autism Speaks Replies To My Letter

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Three days ago, I sent a letter to Autism Speaks in regards to their 2014 financial statements, along with their co-founder’s statements about autism (https://marylandpoetblog.wordpress.com/2017/04/06/autism-awareness-month-post-three-an-open-letter-to-autism-speaks/). Thursday night, they responded with this:

Hi there,

Thanks for reaching out to Autism Speaks and sharing this feedback. I am happy to share some information to help address these concerns that you have. More than 75 percent of every dollar spent has funded programs and services in science, family services, awareness and advocacy, exceeding Better Business Bureau guidelines each year. The majority of this funding goes toward science, followed by our family services, awareness and advocacy efforts. As we continue to implement our new strategic plan, we are working toward increasing funding in every mission area so that a significant impact is made for everyone affected by autism. You can find all our financial information in our most recent annual report, which is available on our website: https://www.autismspeaks.org/about-us/annual-reports. We do have two people with autism serving on the national Board of Directors, and others are employed in a variety of positions at Autism Speaks. In addition, many of our advocates and partners who have autism play a key role in awareness efforts around the globe. You make a very important point about the diversity of the autism spectrum: it’s absolutely true that autism is a spectrum disorder with many subtypes that affect people in vastly different ways. Individuals with ASD like yourself do have unique talents and ways of thinking, and we want to ensure that people with autism have access to the supports and services they need to pursue their talents and goals. We recognize that autistic people have a wide range of talents, skills, and interests, and we try to highlight these in our videos, articles, and blog posts we publish. Here are some examples you may want to check out

It’s also true that children with autism become adults with autism, so we also work on a variety of initiatives focused on adult services: access to housing supports and services, attending college, finding meaningful employment, and more. For some examples, I would encourage you to visit the following pages

Overall, our goal as an organization is to promote solutions, across the spectrum and throughout the lifespan, for the needs of individuals with autism and their families through advocacy and support. We are looking to increase understanding and acceptance of autism spectrum disorder, and advance research into causes and better interventions for autism spectrum disorder and related conditions. For more information on this, as well as our organizational vision and goals for the next ten years, please visit https://www.autismspeaks.org/about-us.   I hope this helps. I would be happy to provide more information on what we are doing to support the autism community – just let me know.

Best wishes,

Emily Mulligan

Manager, Autism Response Team

Autism Speaks 85 Devonshire St., 9th Floor

Boston, MA 02109

Do you think this email addressed my concerns? Does it feel genuine, or a general response email to your average complaint? I want to hear your thoughts below!

Autism Awareness Month Post Five: Things I Love About Being On The Spectrum

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Anxiety. Rigid thinking. Rigid acting. Inability to deal with sudden change. Aspergers gets a bad rep, in my opinion. Sure, I’ll probably never have any friends, and a future by myself seems more and more likely by the day, but that’s just one percent of life as an Aspergian. There are ALOT of benefits actually (don’t tell that to Autism Speaks), and tonight I’d like to share with you some of mine. If you’re on the spectrum, I want YOU to write what you enjoy most about being autistic in the comments below!

 Honesty: Being genuine is one of my favorite parts about aspergers. People can trust me because they know I’m going to do what I say I will. People can also come to me because I’ll give them honesty over something that makes them feel good.

 Attention to detail: Much to the chagrin of those very same aspergians (our inability to see the big picture is just as much of a curse as our attention to detail is a blessing), we are very good at details. I honestly don’t think I’d be a writer if I didn’t have aspergers, because the little things are what fuel my words.

 Focus: My family always points out (usually in a condescending way) how I can do the same things four hours and hours on end. And it’s true. The last two weeks, I’ve been working on a three-round NFL mock draft for the upcoming draft, and I’ve literally watched hours of tape and just as much in analyzing depth charts to plot team needs. This also helped me in school, because I could put my head and work for hours without much guidance. Safe to say, I owe much of my success to aspergers.

 Commitment: If only the girls that I liked knew this….sigh

Anyway, I am extremely committed. I hate not doing something all the way through, and I will go above and beyond to see the job done. Next month, I’ll be leading a tour as part of a project in my teen art group at the Walters. We needed a flyer/slogan, and guess who wrote it before the meeting was over? This one. Aspergians may be terrible team players, but give me a pen and some silence, and I’ll shake you out your shoes.

 Non-conformity: This may just come natural to aspergians, but I just refuse to do what everyone else does. During the first teen art council meeting after Donald Trump won the presidency, I was the only one in support of him. I had read about the countless crimes of Hillary Clinton (the child sex ring was most heinous), and I could not stand for her. I’m too young to vote, but I’m not too young to influence, and I refused to support someone who’s okay with hurting children for money. It didn’t make me any friends, but it did show that I can think for myself. This gets me in trouble in social situations, but I will not make small talk for the sake of making small talk. It’s useless to me, and I don’t care if you don’t like me if I don’t do it. As my favorite musician said: “I don’t care what you think as long as it’s about me.”

 Passion: I love what I do. I love writing. I love being in my art group. I love working at my job. And I love responding to poetry prompts on Twitter. And the biggest part? People can tell. To me, it’s more than just “going through the motions”. Once I start doing something, I get involved. I started posting poetry based on paintings in the Walters after I joined my art group, and I think you all loved the post with the pictures of donuts I did. As an Aspergian, if I’m in, I’m ALL IN. This would be great if I had a relationship…