Victorious (When You’re Autistic Like Me)

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(Whew. Two book rejections in one day had me feeling down. Then this came along…)

Victorious

In spite of everything they said

Victorious

Even though we only get glory once dead

Victorious

In these poems that are bled

Victorious

In the words that aren’t said

 

Night and day I fight a battle against you

These feelings I have aren’t even close to new

Sometimes I feel so left behind, but you knew

Sly grin, haughty chin, it can’t be true

 

They say they’re active but they’re hardly aware

How I love your lips and the way you do your hair

Caught you by surprise? I see you everywhere

But the will top take your hand, ask you out just isn’t there

 

We’re far more alike than they ever say

But our seismic differences keep getting in the way

I could hope and dream, and I do everyday

But call a timeout, coach I can’t play

 

I like you girl and you would know it

If I had a normal brain that could show it

Talk to you, laugh with you, show some emotion

Barriers breaking down in devotion

 

But I haven’t found it

Either that, or you’re still in the closet

Don’t worry, I was there too

Afraid to be me, I missed so much, that’s true

 

Now I’m victorious

Autistic as can be

No longer in need of your sanity

I stand on the inside of your outside

My life, my words come from insanity

Less is more, more is less

When you’re victorious

Like me

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The Arrogance I Shine

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bent and broken

my face the token

of your socialite policy

fears and flames awoken

by the silent shaming

of ears pricked up

hairs peeled back

when I make a statement

misinterpret a joke

the costume falls flat

and now I’m forced to reconcile

into the life and love I never had

it was plain to see

but it took them to crucify my heart

betrayed by a suicidal mind

to see the reality

I had ignored for so much time

they don’t care for me

they’re not the friends for me

don’t understand me

can’t reprimand me

because I do the same thing

everyday

because I don’t care about a thing

everyday

while you sit around waiting for me to change

oh hey

I’m insane

the arrogance I shine

tans you like an ultraviolet ray

I don’t think about what I say

because I really was born this way

I take no for an answer

because I’ll say yes to myself

I dish it because I can take it

look at the hand the devil’s dealt

feel the welts

no, they’re on the inside

feel the shockwaves

they flow every time

you start speaking

I start leaking

every ounce of content

until I’m bursting with anger

and all darkness

ceases with one final dagger

to the soul

now silent again

 

On The Problems Many Seem To Forget…

annies-road

there’s emptiness

on this road

stepping to the beat

of hunger

poverty

and shame

every blink of my eye

sends a waterfall of compassion

every rise of my chest

charges the air with electricity

to power the depressed

and give legs to the fallen

I was not sent here

to give the good news

I am

the news

all around me

men fiddle with lives

as a girl does with her dolls

but when she becomes a woman

she handles her children

as her very breath

these men have not matured

past the idles of babes

yet we call them masters

leaders

revolutionaries

along with the downcast

and the plagued

I spit upon their presumptuous ways

and in battle I will strike them

cut them down

divide them up among the angels of death

for their time has ended

the sons of men were given

a task from above

to watch over his creation

to love all

as he is loved

but he tore down his father

and ripped apart his mother

he turned brother towards sister

and the animals too follow

in these desolate ways

 

 

 

Drunk On Love And Jumped Overboard

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I was looking in the wrong places

hoping for connections

in some of the ugliest faces

stooped lower than what I should

for a plate even demons

push away

walking alone, shoulders cold

and stoned amidst rejection

or what I considered it to be

she didn’t leave

she just didn’t connect

I tried to force us together

but we’re made from separate parts

no matter how much I tried

he’d never bind our heart

you can come a long way

and be a failure in the end

if in hoping for something little

you miss something great

and I nearly did

passing up people like me

for someone who would entertain

a devilish fantasy

I’m grateful we became friends

and I’ll tell you more about her

when I see her

again

 

 

 

The War Of Poetic Conviction

WAMTAC

Convention

waging endless war

against my unwavering condition

arrows of all kinds

and sizes

fly through the air in mass

darkening the sun as it rises

tipped with oil, tipped with fire

they rarely kill

but injure greatly

designed to cause will to waver

and crumble when the infantry

comes later

day and night the siege rains on

they cannot hold this city

but for so long

no food to re-wire my mind

no fountain to make me young again

cutting off my life support

the empty space I need to breathe

sanity drains from my mind

through an eternal sieve

even my blood turns a cold shoulder

like I’m afraid of living

the days of old

just when the night seems to end

the moon folds it’s hand

sneaking a cunning glance

at the sun and stars

as he pulls his winnings in a pile

the dawn turns towards the deceivers

eyes reddened with intense flame

with searing pain destroys the enemy

from this son comes poetic conviction

that topples the medical profession’s

worthless predictions

tone and diction, I’ve got it in my hand

to rally my soul brothers and sisters

it’s all part of my plan

The Good Doctor and Christian Wolf be damned

I’m tired of seeing us misinterpreted

given superhuman traits

just to make a cute story

our story isn’t for your entertainment

rather our struggles

cause lifelong derailment

tell them I’m coming

I’m going ham

 

Would You Rather Be The Disease Or The Cure

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Quiet room

never empty, never full

always wishing someone

or something

could find in it a use

sitting in the heat of summer

and the cool of winter

initials carved in the bed frame

remind the emptiness how much he misses her

dust collects on unattended shelves

as the shadows take off their masks

and rest in this somber place of dwelling

windows rust, and sight into the world

becomes anyone’s guess

not even the Titanic herself

compares to this tragic mess

how one can fall

from the height of life

to lows

even zombies couldn’t comprehend

caught up in a whirlwind of love, lust, life

and feigned shots at immortality

does anyone even know what’s a sin

would you rather be the cure

or the disease

doing wonders behind closed doors

or all-powerful at the expense of every living thing

don’t pretend

don’t pretend

 

The Love And Life Of Death

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The setting is a late May evening

and the sun is just beginning to wane

the grasses are as green as can be

the warm summer rays touch

skin darkened by the halls of recluses

and eyes drunk on the monotone beat

of a single heart

the horizon speaks to me

in ways no human could ever

color elicits emotion

only my darkest days would ever see

drooping sunset

with patch, see-through clouds

for skanky lingerie

calms me better than any

green eyed, freckled face

powered by an engine

stoked by fire of rejection

I reject the clown suit

appreciate the complexion

of life riding the fine line

life and death, I’ve seen both

lived and loved

both

I never knew

why the silence loved me so

treated me to knowledge

people seemed to refuse

I’m so hot

dirty mind, spinning you a web

of lust, lies

and forgotten faces

all in time

before the moon turns on her heel

and I fall into sleep

till our next divorce counseling meeting

 

I Didn’t Believe I’d Be Where I Am Today

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I didn’t believe

I would do anything that I’ve done today

I never saw, or even dreamed

that I’d be where I stand today

just a few years ago I couldn’t come out the house

in fear and angst at the outside world

just a few years ago I didn’t volunteer

and while confident in my abilities to be a published author

I never thought I’d have even a part time job

especially not in customer service

just a few years ago my whole life was porn and Madden

now I’m repaying the anger with hum of fingers on these keys

call me Darren McFadden

the anger I used to take out on my family

on strangers

on me

frustrated at the disability that I could never see

the desire but lack of strength to set this soul free

if only I could see the door trust me I’d make the key

now today I know I’m stronger than they said I’d ever be

when I put down the Clorox

and opened up my soul

to some guy living in the sky

I realized he could make me whole

He showed me that my condition

was a gift

put down the knife, put down the concrete

and mend this rift inside me

aspergers humbles me every single day

it reminds me that without him nothing will go my way

when I’m feeling down I put pen to paper and I pray

somebody please take this anxiety away

away

goes the pain

goes the regrets

go the doubters

and to everyone who saw me write nonstop

and said I was wasting my hours

this one’s for you

for the lovers

for the haters

for those who don’t know me

and those who wish they did

 

 

If I Woke Up Next To You

WAMTAC

What would I give
what would I be okay to lose
if I woke up next to you
what would happen
to the animal inside
the beast that only I knew
if I woke up next to you
my days are too long
and nights far too short
cut the umbilical cord of joy
abort the fetus of happiness
cry me a river if you will
until it drowns the world
like a bitter pill to a suicidal teen
or a ten year old girl in a short skirt
a perverts wet dream
where would these horrors sleep
and bear their marks with wretched claws on my brow
even as I write to you
they weigh upon me now
I don’t deserve these shackles
chains span distances used to astronauts
if I woke up next to you
would you even recognize me
or would you stare into eyes
tormented by today’s wedding vows
and yesterday’s make-up sex
if I woke up next to you
it would all be a dream
because I could never love you
as much I’d want to believe
I beg of you
save me now
before long, I will puncture this heart
and do it myself
when I wake up next to you

You Only Know Who You Think I Am

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Poetically cunning

words leaving brains and hearts humming

and while you’re eager to read on

you only know who you think I am

late night writes with Pete Wentz in my ears

in attempt to ward off nightmarish fears

but I put on a smile to cover it up

so you only know who you think I am

work is mental drudgery, and family is worse

but my good moods come in spurts

they think I’m okay

but you only know who you think I am

inside I feel like I’m dying

and this week wants to make me stop trying

but I don’t tell you what’s really going on

and you only know who you think I am

I stand in the pouring rain

there’s little I like better

but you think I’m insane

and I let you believe who you think I am

I sit by myself, I have no friends

hell, it takes me ten minutes just to press send

you think I’m antisocial and crude

stupid world, you only know who you think I am

I write everyday

to reveal everything

and nothing

to make you think you know who I am

I am depressed, anxious, angry, and dejected

broken, shy, disheartened, and rejected

failure makes me afraid to try again

socially I have to pretend

I hope I’m not like this forever

because there’s gotta be someone out there

I just haven’t met her

or I did

and I failed her

(now I’m regretting everything again)

you no longer have to guess, now

you know who I really am