My Impossible Year

I’ve lost all hope

in humanity

because I’ve lost all hope

in me

I’m weaker than the dust

lost to the winds of the poorest farmer

I’m filthier than the eyes of the thief

always looking over his back

I’m the Katrina

to your poorly constructed soul

And the Trump

to your easily distracted mind

I can’t control myself

and alone, myself can’t control what I feel

I’m bleeding, soul sister

and my hearts too easily peeled

they see the sins, they see the tragedy

each breath I take

draws me closer to finality

and each step forwards

drags me backwards from reality

I’m standing in the rain

but I’m not cleansed

I’m standing in the open

but not worthy of assassination

I’m a drag on all of you

too loud to be ignored

but too useless to be near

I’ve lived yet another

impossible year

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To Envy The Butterfly

Free me from the shackles

That’s my only wish tonight

Let the lightning strike these bonds

and let me feel the sunlight

Guilt and misery upending my heart

Desire to cure this wretched brain tears me apart

I wish I didn’t love you

I wish I didn’t see you

then I would’ve never known

I bleed when I’m without

but my life begins to turn around

but my brain needs to cure the throb

so my future gets robbed again and again

I’m swimming in my own creation

and all I can see is the valley floor

the blue sky is no more

the voice of reason is choked beyond relief

it’s just me, baby

me and my broken feet

me and my haunted dreams

poetry is what you see

but the tears stay this side of the screen

I’m jealous of the butterfly

her freedom is my envy

I’m jealous of the thunderstorm

the finality of her thunder

could be within me

every time I hear my name

I die a little inside

the menial joy, the everlasting pain

I wish I didn’t love you

but here I am listening

listening to you again

 

Am I Just Fucked?

I don’t have anxiety

I become afraid when you’ve caught me in sin

I can stare you in the eye

I do it to your girls every night

I can hold a conversation

because the people I watch most don’t speak

I don’t gain weight

I lose my strength with every release

I don’t pray

My hands are always clasped together

when you’re not looking

when you are

I just need to do it quick, just one more time

look how far I’ve fallen

I lay with the vagabonds

and call them father

I grope the rank, stretched pussies of whores

at least, in my mind

for a night

multiplied by eleven years

I’ve forgotten hope and horror

faith and fear

just let me gaze your naked scars

that’s all I want for Christmas this year

I don’t need a real woman

I just need a link

I don’t need a real relationship

I just need to dream

I’ve become something far more terrible

than anyone ever thought I was

I’ve shunned every hope of a lover

SF, TL, look what I’ve done

do I have Aspergers

or am I just fucked?

Morning Glory

today is tomorrow’s

yesterday

the circularity

is the amazing

yet the intricate differences

are what make it so intriguing

you may find the same thing

but never the same place

or time

morning glory

becomes evening dread

what will I wake to

if anything, again?

Opened Doors Are Open Ended

Let’s try to find a way out

the depression, the pain

aggression falling upon flesh in an acid rain

afraid to stand, the youth sit and are raptured

washed away in the flashing lights

9-1-1 and colored rights

many are breathing

but few traverse the bridge of eternal life

what does it mean to live

on a planet destined to die

and what a waste of time is love

when everyone we care about says goodbye

I thought I had one

once upon a time

and she’s still here

somehow, sitting rights across my eyes

give me a sign

tell me it’s okay to cross that bridge

but if it’s not

then say nothing more

once my view of the world

changes

I’ll answer the question

for all the ages

Someone Beautiful Is Reading This

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Dinning room silence

Except for a kitty purring away

There’s words knocking on my mind

I can’t explain them away

Especially not today

I actually slept well last night

No midnight sleepwalks

Two a.m. shivers

From a dream I had

The night before

The poet inside

Comes to life

And I’ll never

Put it to sleep

The muse is not what motivates

But the feelings I get

Writing what he or she

Has to say

I need no inspiration

Its part of why I love this life

Just a pen and my thoughts

I’ll put it somewhere

Maybe on your heart

Cause someone beautiful

Is reading this

Ben Shapiro, Milo Yiannopoulos, And The People Behind InfoWars Inspired Me To Write This

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where do I stand

on a world at war

please, there’s no peace

and I don’t need a piece of the pie

that mass media lie

police officers die trying to protect us

the badge is just for show

but the love inside their hearts is not

the trust to serve can’t be bought

neither is the want

for a better America

we kill our babies without regard

and electrocute animals in “safe” ways

there’s nothing humane

bashing cows brains in

unless you’re insane

and we are

politics tearing families apart

propoganda has us building arks

and it’s dry as a well

Trump did this, Melania did that!

look out, Russia’s on our backs!

look what really matters

how many families lose their laughter

when their child gets gold into slavery

true bravery isn’t coming out the closet

this isn’t 1969

true bravery is standing

when everyone else sits

Kaepernick thinks he’s slick

he wasn’t an activist till he got benched

he’s part white

what struggle?

he made 14 million to throw shitty passes

these black rappers talking about green

but what about these boys in the streets?

no leaders but them demons

you think Barack Obama was a leader?

letting thugs burn down cities

they can call me racist

but somebody better stands with me

stand up to illegals taking our jobs

stand up to muslims that take the lives of others

especially the women they mutilate

(God bless those mothers)

and gays they throw off roofs

stand up to the blacks

that loot, burn, and riot

I’m not angry, but I will fight it

until we win our freedom back

there’s a war out for your mind

and ya’ll keep swinging at low cutters

Alcides Escobar, you’re joke

you’re slow, blind, easily provoked

Eric Garner was breaking the law

Trayvon Martin was breaking the law

Michael Brown was breaking the law

Castile was not, so I’ll stand with you there

but for all the criminals, their fate was fair

always talking about being free

but you’re nothing but slaves

America disgusts me

and this is why

 

Death Calls From Not Long Ago

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Raw lines

slip from the corner

of thawed eyes

shattered in slowness

of overwhelming disgrace

streaming from my face

goes the purity I once called breath

now I am inhabited by gorges

and craters that leave me speechless

vast emptiness unexplained

unfulfilled

except for when paper is placed before me

and I have a certain time to kill

I hate violence until it’s for you

I hate flesh unless it’s poetic

to chew and digest

these words not yet my best

I tinker and toy without rest

not because I’m a proofreader

but a mercy seeker

ravaged by a past I only bow to

and ask for subtle forgiveness

I must scorch your hearts

with the brand of my missteps

the blood of a poet

is never ending ink

unfinished is his business

until the grim reaper

does sit upon his grey chest

and his heart

he drinks

 

 

On The Never Ending Love (That Could Be You)

 

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Sunset falls on me again

I feel breaths rise inside

and escape through partially open mouth

sighs of relief

the doors close

they say goodnight

finally

the poet inside springs to life

to someone I’ve always liked

talking to you always feels right

sometimes I don’t know what to say

but you always seem to know the way

what I mean, you’re in my dreams

is that okay?

sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever see you, K

eternity seems so far away

until wordplay becomes, dare I say

foreplay

to what? maybe nothing

maybe years of talk and nothing else

but no matter the occasion

you’re the book I’ve always had

and whenever I’m down

I go to my favorite shelf

pour upon pages of self delight

reading your story makes me alright

and just when I’ve given up

you inspire me to fight

maybe you’re nothing

just a passing fancy of my mind

but you could also be something else

the never ending love of my life

 

 

Victorious (When You’re Autistic Like Me)

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(Whew. Two book rejections in one day had me feeling down. Then this came along…)

Victorious

In spite of everything they said

Victorious

Even though we only get glory once dead

Victorious

In these poems that are bled

Victorious

In the words that aren’t said

 

Night and day I fight a battle against you

These feelings I have aren’t even close to new

Sometimes I feel so left behind, but you knew

Sly grin, haughty chin, it can’t be true

 

They say they’re active but they’re hardly aware

How I love your lips and the way you do your hair

Caught you by surprise? I see you everywhere

But the will top take your hand, ask you out just isn’t there

 

We’re far more alike than they ever say

But our seismic differences keep getting in the way

I could hope and dream, and I do everyday

But call a timeout, coach I can’t play

 

I like you girl and you would know it

If I had a normal brain that could show it

Talk to you, laugh with you, show some emotion

Barriers breaking down in devotion

 

But I haven’t found it

Either that, or you’re still in the closet

Don’t worry, I was there too

Afraid to be me, I missed so much, that’s true

 

Now I’m victorious

Autistic as can be

No longer in need of your sanity

I stand on the inside of your outside

My life, my words come from insanity

Less is more, more is less

When you’re victorious

Like me