I Love You…Somehow Just Isn’t Enough

I love you

Resting in my heart

You’ve tied my hands around your face

And left me speechless

In the wake of my doubt and distraction

Opening my love to others

And my voice to you

Spinning in endless circles with you

I’ve found a place I can call home

I found people I can friends

Safety for a lost soul

Comfort in the trust of one another

We do not share blood

Or maybe we do

I don’t know if I’d be here without you

I’m smiling to hold back the tears

We departing

But never gone

Never forgotten

This lasting resonance inside of me

Never enough

To simply say goodbye

I say until next time

Because I’m sure we’ll meet again

But if not

Because I cannot predict time or fate

Then thank you for your kindness

And courage

To accept me into your circle

Now I must go my own way

Determined to give back to the world

That gave me you

That gave the first word

In a never ending sentence

A promise

Of something greater

Advertisements

Somewhat Complacent

The sun’s coming out

I think it wants to talk

To me

To me?

What have I done

Nothing really

Just a mess of life

Confusing mercy with right

Somewhat complacent

In forever being better and worse

Than the man in the mirror

That’s me

Who, me?

Always thinking of something better

And doing far worse

I’m addicted to wrong

Because my blood burns

Spurned at every turn when I was young

I didn’t know who I was

Or what I could become

Now I do, but I’m grasping at air

I want to change and stay the same

This life is such a game

All I want is contentment and good

And my family to be okay

I want to be the next bestseller

Because I want my truth to be known

I want to lead

Because I’m ready to go home

Putting the hate and violence to rest

Means letting of those holding me back

I have the words, I have your ears

What can I say, I’ve been blessed

Next stop: The Very Best

Therapy Session One

Sitting in the middle of the room

Come on in, close the door behind you

We’re starting soon

Take off your makeup

Throw away yesterday’s eyelashes

Let me see your bare lips

Bitten, bloody, and bruised

Take off your gloves

The marks of chains aren’t mine to choose

Stand up for me, and expose your back

The welts and wilted skin aren’t in lack

The two, rusted lines like railway tracks

Is this the life you asked for?

Why can’t you stand, why do you shudder

What has happened to you child

Tell me

(I can’t help you)

Tell me

(They really can’t help us)

Is it your mother?

Is it your father?

Ah yes, that explains the size of the marks

That distinction certainly sets them apart

Now, what are they like, to start

Why does one help you, and the other hurt

Oh, they both do it

Well that adds some complexity to it

But you say, one is physical

The other is mental

You’re quite the case

Yet not far from the norm

I suggest you go back to them

Because they clearly love you

They express it differently

Have a good afternoon

MISS FERGUSON? THREE O’FIVE FOR MISS FERGUSON?

(You’re doing great kid)

(They’re doing great)

Mother, Do You Love Me

Mother

Do you love me

When I cry

Will you stamp out the oppressors?

When I am weary

Will you fashion a casket and carry

My weak bones and bloodless heart?

When I am sad

Will you find Happiness Springs

And water my ears

Can you make them new again?

When the winter blows in

Seeking to blow my mind away

Can you shield the wind and rain

Make them bow and retreat

When your own lover

Desires my destruction

Can you sacrifice yourself and save me

Kill yourself

And be my redemption

As I was yours at conception

Mother

I know you love me

Finches In September

Cut

To the bone

Stripped

And stoked in his fire

Cinders and ashes

Became my home

Trapped in neverland

Ceasing to breathe, living to die

The journey is a pathway unknown

Seeds of slaves are sown

In the conformity of words

I do

And we don’t fight fair

I do

We ruin each other

Dreams in the dark

Looking away in the day

Fellow human is not my master

Yet I was a slave

I loved your ways

Your fucking, breaking, bleeding ways

Then the finches of September

Whistled a new calling

And from now one

I’d rather be lonely

Then be at home

With a terror

The Impossible Possible

It’s not up to you

It’s not up to me

It’s not impossible

To follow you to the end of the road

Walking this tightrope with you

Oceans will drown us out

Deserts will bury the sounds

And sights, such extraordinary views

With you

People can say it’s not meant to be

Jealous of this never-ending dream

Falling into this eternal sea

Choking on death, I am

From being close to this breathtaking you

I’d never let go

On this journey, to the great unknown

Towards the space and light we’d call our own

All the things that might get in the way

Of finding our home

Won’t matter, I’d rather be dead by your side

Then alive on my own

You’ve taken me and broken my insecurity

You’ve captured me and thrown me from a cliff

I’m not sure when I’ll ever stop falling

But something’s made me better

And that something was you

It’s up to me

It’s up to you

To make this world home

To make it our own

Our Boys Aren’t Alright

WAMTAC
Home of the fatherless
Roads paved by the wanderers
This country is lost, losing all sense of sense
Splurging dollars but scraping cents
Because the boys have no essence
No authority at home, we walk the lonely
No leadership to follow, we become the lonely
Looking up to boosters, pimps, any homie
Stressed out, doped up, we make you lonely
Bullet in the thigh, bullet to the brain
They all bleed one way
Bullet in your heart, bullet in a hundred hearts
Anything to rip your reality apart
Because ours is in video game violence
And pornographic nonsense
Get killed? Press restart
Getting jacked off? Press restart
Watching dicks ripping open white asses
Fuck one, two, three, four, any moving thing
That wants to get smashed
Losing what makes us men, sitting on our asses
Gaming away, jerking away, every bit of life
Flushed away
Down these roads I see sons go
Kicked out at 18, the world seems so large
Left without a guide, mind becomes its own
Right away the thoughts start to grow
Before you know, you’ve created a monster
For you, four of you, get down on your knees
It’s time to blow
Some weed, some dicks
To the lost it’s all one trick
To the lonely, it only takes a click
And a trigger
Next thing you know, you’re bigger
Than your present, future, and past
You’re mowing down kids just like Trevor
Under a bridge, or speeding on the overpass
GTA helps you find your way
I’ve got this bitch motherfucker
Goodnight fucker, say your prayers
God don’t exist, but this AR-15 does
Bullets raining down, a dozen doves
Falling from the sky in the form of souls
Taken without remorse or regret
The boys of this country are paying forward
Debt incurred by fraudulent bankers, fathers
Who don’t know how to treat an investment
Good men, brave men, rise and grow
Until the world hears the wonders they know
But the troubled rot and riot
Stay up late, believing the lies
They have to buy it
Because there’s no one else
To hear their misery
So it’s left to us
To clean the blood they’ve spilt
 

Swirling Clouds Of Rage

Theyre-All-Dead-spillwords

 

don’t let the sun

go down on your anger

but by the looks of my heart

the situations couldn’t be any plainer

 

never cared about me

robbed my soul, took my spirit, and lost the key

stripped me of something I could never see

but entrusted to you so faithfully

 

where is it now

in the depths beneath, or above in clouds

I’m the left speechless, because it can’t be found

backed into a wall, nine millimeter with no rounds

 

stole my life like a hit down the foul line

I never believed it would happen to me

but sitting alone in this empty room

fate loves to swoon, then ruin you soon

 

standing near the river, waters crystal clear

driven far away from the one I thought most dear

now the fish nibble at the water

for the flesh of a father

I’m Sorry You Birthed An Autistic

WAMTAC

I’ve been called a lot of names during my years

jerk offs with egg heads for avatars

who never knew my wishes or fears

they didn’t care what I needed, or how I felt

just about the life they had been so unfortunately dealt

I’m so sorry you birthed an autistic

this isn’t the dream you wanted

but the drugs your partner did years ago

now have you haunted

I’m so sorry you have to live with an autistic

it makes you look bad, I’m sure

hand flapping and foot stomping certainly detracts

from your fake bravado and made-up demure

I’m so sorry you have to be seen with an autistic

you don’t look so cool now

when the person beside you covers his ears

at loud sounds

I’ve spent years feeling sorry

for people who care nothing about who I am

just a cute word they can use to impress friends

when chance shakes hands with a plan

just something to make dad feel ashamed about

for not noticing earlier, even though you yourself

no nothing about

my condition is a roadblock in your normal lifestyle

and you’ve cussed me out for planning things out

which, surprise

takes me a little longer while

but it’s okay, don’t worry you

I just keep it all inside

you say you had a hard day

if only you knew

invisible mountains mount heavy costs

until the heart struggles to beat

and the spirit finally declares she’s lost

slowly soul husband carries lifeless vessel

to rowboat tied to a dock

and under his arms he nestles her bosoms

and cries long into the night

the mermaids are bitter, hearing a song

more melancholy than theirs

and fish swim upside down in sadness

while the octopus is surprised

at the depths the chorus finds him there

when strength is breached

and the bridge does sleep

on ears run aground

only then does the struggle of a poet

become exponentially profound

 

 

Taking My Own Life

nano

I just might give up

on life

maybe get reincarnated

and allowed to make it right

everywhere I go

people seem to be laughing

and everywhere I go

the masquerade is crashing

I’m not ten anymore, I can’t hide behind my family

I’m nearly an adult, even though I don’t want to be

I don’t feel like I’m ready

I . Don’t. Feel. Ready.

I can’t make friends, my family doesn’t even like me

“he’s not much fun to be around” I heard my mom say

and brother and sister agreed

“he hears more than you think he does”

that’s also true

and it’s why I hate you

uprooted me out of my home

never gave me a chance to adjust

and threw me a few miles north

become a man I must

or risk losing all I ever had

which was just pens, notebooks,

a nearly full writing pad

just over 225 blog posts, three award winning articles

and one published in the October 2015 Edition

of Teen Ink

but they never let me think

the way I was created to

they just expect me to function

the way they do

no wonder I fail, you stupid asshole

excuse the profanity

but I just can’t take it anymore

no space to be an Aspergian

no space to be me

but underground has plenty of room

that I’m sure you can see

the tension is rising, the anger turning me raw

my mouth bleeds

from the pressure of it all

I read works of other aspies

and see how they overcome

(thanks Laina, Beth, Marisa, Keely)

(I’m sure I’m forgetting some)

but they can’t solve my pain

they can’t give me a family

that understands my name

talk behind my back, just like my Dad did

but told me he was this terrible person

and here you are, pretending to be holier than thou

I guess that makes you worse, then

all I’ve ever wanted

all I’ve truly wanted

was a family who understands me

someone who hears me

and someone who loves me

for who I am

not what they want me to be

not what their eyes can see

I am autistic, but human first

please, let me live happily

God forbid I tell them

how I feel

they’ll just shrug it off

the weirdo at it again with another squeal

so I bury it deep inside

deep inside my bones

it’s rotting my mind

stealing my time

and taking me away from home

or maybe I want it to

take me away from them

they don’t know me, they never will

I can’t be free, so to this heart

can I kill?