Between The Lines

In between the lines

you can find who I really am

the love, the hate

I’m standing at second base

my face, my place

I’m still learning how to run this race

the joy, the shame

I’d give anything to try that date again

because in between these lines

is a long list of crime

among long lost time

my condition is completely benign

but the weight is a suicide assignment

no eye contact, no social outwardness

in a society run by extroverts

guys and their prowess run me over

girls and my expectations run me down

I really don’t fit anywhere

and I’m not going anywhere

I wish I could talk to you

I wish I could understand you

I wish I didn’t make you freak out

but that’s not my reality

so people don’t want to be apart of it

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Nothing Worth Your Affection

inside these walls

trembling words stir in the depths

burgeoning, recovering

to show the world their best

inside these walls

the laughter echoes through halls

of stone and skulls, failed attempts

by those too kind to leave me

and ignorant to be left

inside these walls I close my eyes

and pray to the ceiling

I need strength

just one more day

because inside these walls

I am in oblivious peace

but I cannot stay here forever

so the masked man comes out

and the timid soul remains barren

hoping the shadows will bring me love

or her disappointment

I am nothing worthy of a woman’s affection

God, What Have You Become (Abuse)

solace

heaven’s a fraud

and hell, smoldering lies

over the still breathing heart

of virgin truth

if there is a kingdom on high

then strip my abuser

of the flesh on his wretched bones

blast a nine mile hole

in the lump of flesh we call a heart

the same way he mocks my chains

watching the bolts travel under wiry flesh

malnourished limbs tremble and traverse

the vague pretense of air

under the roof of domination

there is but death to breathe

carbon monoxide flushed down my throat

where is this Christ

that you place your hope

awash in my own birthing blood

and fed the waste of my exploitation

the mercy of this Lord

is near undone

when I rise on the steak

splinters pierce my lungs

there is no last gasp for me

so instead I cry in lonesome defeat

God, what have you become

 

The Hole In The Mast

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Falling for the sun

I miss the clouds

Drowning in the rain

I miss the drips

Running through the storm

I miss the eye

Aiming for her face

I missed her heart

You can only blame your troubles

On her for so long

You can only write

So many break-up posts

Before you begin

To doubt everything

You’ve ever done

Hole in the mast

The shit in my ship

Has finally got me going down

Down screaming

Maybe you won’t find out

What I’m doing

But you will know

What I’ve done

Someone Beautiful Is Reading This

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Dinning room silence

Except for a kitty purring away

There’s words knocking on my mind

I can’t explain them away

Especially not today

I actually slept well last night

No midnight sleepwalks

Two a.m. shivers

From a dream I had

The night before

The poet inside

Comes to life

And I’ll never

Put it to sleep

The muse is not what motivates

But the feelings I get

Writing what he or she

Has to say

I need no inspiration

Its part of why I love this life

Just a pen and my thoughts

I’ll put it somewhere

Maybe on your heart

Cause someone beautiful

Is reading this

These Breaths I Take

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somewhere I’m here

sometime you’re gone

on way or another, I fear

tomorrow’s song

pushing me away

I live to fight another day

poisoned are the breaths I take

on the dark side of the moon my true self lays

see, I’m a menace

but that you’ll never see

because I try to keep everyone

thinking of how good I can be

instead of how lost I am

I do care what you think of me

I say I don’t just to seem tough

but if I were

I’d kill myself

and make all the bad memories

go away

 

Telescopic Nod Into My Mind

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darkness falls over me

as I write away the day

the poet inside grows louder

don’t mock the God’s with your success

likes and views will fail before heaven

write about how I’ve strayed

and the women I’ve watched before midnight

blackness calms the raging nerves

still anxious from the day’s work

the temptation to stray away from these words is great

but short on worth

words circle my head like vultures

above the dead

I am the dead

I am dead

and the words are what make me

rhymes and lines are the only magic of my life

everything else facade and fabrication

autistic misrepresentation and African American limitation

the words you read of mine

are the telescopic nod into my mind

but I don’t always write the truth

shame from the youth

hides me from you

you think you’re ready

but if only you knew

I write about the pain here and there

but the scars don’t go anywhere

I pick at the wounds this moment now

crimson lines drip from the brow

and onto the page which I lay my heart

these poems are my life

but they tear it apart

Locked Up Memory (Content Warning)

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take out your wrist

no, all the way

stick me with all your pain

your depression, anxiety, and marital struggles

drown me in the empty bottles

suck me off to make it all go away

it’s okay, I’ll just sit and take it

look at the window, there goes my summer

fall, winter, and spring

you wake up fresh and clean

while I hide under filthy sheets

I can’t let my friends see

the disaster that’s become me

you’ll never let me be

jacking off to your insanity

I plead the fifth while you corrupt me

it’s been obvious to them

but I can’t see

through the semen spewing at me

and the empty glances that demand another dance

pouring out my heart

at the feet of your fables

I look normal but I’m developmentally disabled

cause I’m just not able

to tell you that I don’t care

I just stare at your ugly teeth

fake hair

cover those fake tits I see those purple veins

call me deranged

but I when I feel a certain kind of way

when I think of the light

closing in on these inglorious days

I think of how I was raised

so I take the leftover lemonade

and stuff it in my heart

people who love me can’t even see it today

I save it when I need a reprieve

from all the pain

 

 

Victorious (When You’re Autistic Like Me)

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(Whew. Two book rejections in one day had me feeling down. Then this came along…)

Victorious

In spite of everything they said

Victorious

Even though we only get glory once dead

Victorious

In these poems that are bled

Victorious

In the words that aren’t said

 

Night and day I fight a battle against you

These feelings I have aren’t even close to new

Sometimes I feel so left behind, but you knew

Sly grin, haughty chin, it can’t be true

 

They say they’re active but they’re hardly aware

How I love your lips and the way you do your hair

Caught you by surprise? I see you everywhere

But the will top take your hand, ask you out just isn’t there

 

We’re far more alike than they ever say

But our seismic differences keep getting in the way

I could hope and dream, and I do everyday

But call a timeout, coach I can’t play

 

I like you girl and you would know it

If I had a normal brain that could show it

Talk to you, laugh with you, show some emotion

Barriers breaking down in devotion

 

But I haven’t found it

Either that, or you’re still in the closet

Don’t worry, I was there too

Afraid to be me, I missed so much, that’s true

 

Now I’m victorious

Autistic as can be

No longer in need of your sanity

I stand on the inside of your outside

My life, my words come from insanity

Less is more, more is less

When you’re victorious

Like me

Eternally Autistic

wamtac

dragging me from fantasy

into a foster home

of brutalizing reality

I don’t think well on my feet

slow

slower

now, stop

not exactly friendly

so I’m the last you’d want to meet

you’ll gravitate towards another

I feel so much

but in front you, dumber

you might hear

“autism is fake”

but I tell the truth when I say

I was born this way

so miserable me

will always bounce between

anxious and quietly content

eternally