These Breaths I Take

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somewhere I’m here

sometime you’re gone

on way or another, I fear

tomorrow’s song

pushing me away

I live to fight another day

poisoned are the breaths I take

on the dark side of the moon my true self lays

see, I’m a menace

but that you’ll never see

because I try to keep everyone

thinking of how good I can be

instead of how lost I am

I do care what you think of me

I say I don’t just to seem tough

but if I were

I’d kill myself

and make all the bad memories

go away

 

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Telescopic Nod Into My Mind

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darkness falls over me

as I write away the day

the poet inside grows louder

don’t mock the God’s with your success

likes and views will fail before heaven

write about how I’ve strayed

and the women I’ve watched before midnight

blackness calms the raging nerves

still anxious from the day’s work

the temptation to stray away from these words is great

but short on worth

words circle my head like vultures

above the dead

I am the dead

I am dead

and the words are what make me

rhymes and lines are the only magic of my life

everything else facade and fabrication

autistic misrepresentation and African American limitation

the words you read of mine

are the telescopic nod into my mind

but I don’t always write the truth

shame from the youth

hides me from you

you think you’re ready

but if only you knew

I write about the pain here and there

but the scars don’t go anywhere

I pick at the wounds this moment now

crimson lines drip from the brow

and onto the page which I lay my heart

these poems are my life

but they tear it apart

Locked Up Memory (Content Warning)

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take out your wrist

no, all the way

stick me with all your pain

your depression, anxiety, and marital struggles

drown me in the empty bottles

suck me off to make it all go away

it’s okay, I’ll just sit and take it

look at the window, there goes my summer

fall, winter, and spring

you wake up fresh and clean

while I hide under filthy sheets

I can’t let my friends see

the disaster that’s become me

you’ll never let me be

jacking off to your insanity

I plead the fifth while you corrupt me

it’s been obvious to them

but I can’t see

through the semen spewing at me

and the empty glances that demand another dance

pouring out my heart

at the feet of your fables

I look normal but I’m developmentally disabled

cause I’m just not able

to tell you that I don’t care

I just stare at your ugly teeth

fake hair

cover those fake tits I see those purple veins

call me deranged

but I when I feel a certain kind of way

when I think of the light

closing in on these inglorious days

I think of how I was raised

so I take the leftover lemonade

and stuff it in my heart

people who love me can’t even see it today

I save it when I need a reprieve

from all the pain

 

 

Victorious (When You’re Autistic Like Me)

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(Whew. Two book rejections in one day had me feeling down. Then this came along…)

Victorious

In spite of everything they said

Victorious

Even though we only get glory once dead

Victorious

In these poems that are bled

Victorious

In the words that aren’t said

 

Night and day I fight a battle against you

These feelings I have aren’t even close to new

Sometimes I feel so left behind, but you knew

Sly grin, haughty chin, it can’t be true

 

They say they’re active but they’re hardly aware

How I love your lips and the way you do your hair

Caught you by surprise? I see you everywhere

But the will top take your hand, ask you out just isn’t there

 

We’re far more alike than they ever say

But our seismic differences keep getting in the way

I could hope and dream, and I do everyday

But call a timeout, coach I can’t play

 

I like you girl and you would know it

If I had a normal brain that could show it

Talk to you, laugh with you, show some emotion

Barriers breaking down in devotion

 

But I haven’t found it

Either that, or you’re still in the closet

Don’t worry, I was there too

Afraid to be me, I missed so much, that’s true

 

Now I’m victorious

Autistic as can be

No longer in need of your sanity

I stand on the inside of your outside

My life, my words come from insanity

Less is more, more is less

When you’re victorious

Like me

Eternally Autistic

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dragging me from fantasy

into a foster home

of brutalizing reality

I don’t think well on my feet

slow

slower

now, stop

not exactly friendly

so I’m the last you’d want to meet

you’ll gravitate towards another

I feel so much

but in front you, dumber

you might hear

“autism is fake”

but I tell the truth when I say

I was born this way

so miserable me

will always bounce between

anxious and quietly content

eternally

 

Sung The Blues, Swallowed Them Too

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stunning seconds of solitude

come from broken breaths

heartbeats come less

space between your ears

widens

deepens

falling off the radar

you are

because nobody wanted to see

the misery

professionals couldn’t explain the pain

just give him two of those

three of these

a shot of that

he will stop foaming eventually

so I sung the blues

swallowed them too

I became more insane

because of you

evenings spent banging

holes into walls

maniac running down the stairs

the crutches rarely stopped the fall

never paid attention

not at school, not at life

so many colors flowing through my veins

you’d think I supported Pride

I could never understand

why drug addicts stare

as if they can remove your soul

and give you theirs

but now I see why

tripped by the police

arrested for driving under the influence

caught unawares

and I’m sure

no one will ever see me there

not until I’m old

really really old

when my hair turns grey

hands begin to fold

 

Would You Rather Be The Disease Or The Cure

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Quiet room

never empty, never full

always wishing someone

or something

could find in it a use

sitting in the heat of summer

and the cool of winter

initials carved in the bed frame

remind the emptiness how much he misses her

dust collects on unattended shelves

as the shadows take off their masks

and rest in this somber place of dwelling

windows rust, and sight into the world

becomes anyone’s guess

not even the Titanic herself

compares to this tragic mess

how one can fall

from the height of life

to lows

even zombies couldn’t comprehend

caught up in a whirlwind of love, lust, life

and feigned shots at immortality

does anyone even know what’s a sin

would you rather be the cure

or the disease

doing wonders behind closed doors

or all-powerful at the expense of every living thing

don’t pretend

don’t pretend

 

If I Woke Up Next To You

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What would I give
what would I be okay to lose
if I woke up next to you
what would happen
to the animal inside
the beast that only I knew
if I woke up next to you
my days are too long
and nights far too short
cut the umbilical cord of joy
abort the fetus of happiness
cry me a river if you will
until it drowns the world
like a bitter pill to a suicidal teen
or a ten year old girl in a short skirt
a perverts wet dream
where would these horrors sleep
and bear their marks with wretched claws on my brow
even as I write to you
they weigh upon me now
I don’t deserve these shackles
chains span distances used to astronauts
if I woke up next to you
would you even recognize me
or would you stare into eyes
tormented by today’s wedding vows
and yesterday’s make-up sex
if I woke up next to you
it would all be a dream
because I could never love you
as much I’d want to believe
I beg of you
save me now
before long, I will puncture this heart
and do it myself
when I wake up next to you

You Only Know Who You Think I Am

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Poetically cunning

words leaving brains and hearts humming

and while you’re eager to read on

you only know who you think I am

late night writes with Pete Wentz in my ears

in attempt to ward off nightmarish fears

but I put on a smile to cover it up

so you only know who you think I am

work is mental drudgery, and family is worse

but my good moods come in spurts

they think I’m okay

but you only know who you think I am

inside I feel like I’m dying

and this week wants to make me stop trying

but I don’t tell you what’s really going on

and you only know who you think I am

I stand in the pouring rain

there’s little I like better

but you think I’m insane

and I let you believe who you think I am

I sit by myself, I have no friends

hell, it takes me ten minutes just to press send

you think I’m antisocial and crude

stupid world, you only know who you think I am

I write everyday

to reveal everything

and nothing

to make you think you know who I am

I am depressed, anxious, angry, and dejected

broken, shy, disheartened, and rejected

failure makes me afraid to try again

socially I have to pretend

I hope I’m not like this forever

because there’s gotta be someone out there

I just haven’t met her

or I did

and I failed her

(now I’m regretting everything again)

you no longer have to guess, now

you know who I really am

 

Panic Stricken Heart Of A Lonely Autistic

Staring at sunlight

falling behind fading clouds

as the crickets sing each other to sleep

I turn away from the world

slide down the wall

trying to feel where the breaths hurt

the floorboards creaking

and the backdoor shaking

brings back memories

I tried to put them out

no amount of rent could cover the charges

of eighteen years of pain

but they don’t listen to me, they don’t care

they made fun of my name

Fearing the worst, I back into a corner

putting my hands in front of my eyes

maybe they’ll take me

take me away for good this time

that’s foolish, because they never do

enough hate to paralyze you

but just enough love to open you up

to make you do it all again

the lights outside try to find me

but I’m hidden in the deep

you can call my name

but I’m hidden in a dream

the rabbit hole

that never ends

the doctor who said I was healed

was playing pretend

I live life one third open

and three-fourths closed

hating your presence mostly

but secretly wishing

 you’ll take me home

to a place of sunshine and clouds

flowering fields and trees

to happily cry under

and removing the doubts

that have plagued me for so long

I, finally, can lift my head

and sing a happy song

If only such a place

existed in my world

If only…