Reluctance

Specks of dust

Cloud the perimeter

Sweeping the chaos to a corner

The negligent, the sinister

Standing behind my own bars

Like a hardened criminal

I try to stay positive

but the blood stays cynical

Symbiotic with my need to destroy

Is the molting of a teenage boy

Into half man, half beast

Trudging on for a feast not of food

Or hard drink

But love

The kind that makes you think

Why we ever stopped caring for each other

And when

Did social media ever become socially accepted

When did pressing a button

Ever mean the same as a literal kiss

I would be remiss if I said this was good

And though I have seemed to miss

The want from a girl

I am still a patient observer, my time will come

The best chase is that of a mind chastened

My demons run, angels flee to protect

And in time the negatives will be undone

Lofty are my dreams

Descending from a rejected heart

Because I know there is more to give

Than a half-reluctant spark

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Split

WAMTAC
Hiding from myself
The memories boxed up and shipped far
Into the recesses of time
But when it’s cold, the shingles stir
Dark clouds gather on the horizon
Lightning shatters confidence and sways
Funnel clouds evaporate conscious efforts
I crack and crumble and admit my faults
I fucked up so many times, why am I here
I say all the wrong things, think thoughts
Of a murderer, of a slave, of a con
I do all the wrong things, push everyone away
Friends and family say things, and deep down
I know they’re right, but my ego gets hard
And I fight the truth I know inside
It’s so cold when the winds leave
And so alone without the thunder distracting
I can hear all my demons vying for my head
Splitting my heaven into hell

What Words Bring

I had to get rid of me

To find Me

The suicidal depressions

And disappointment brewed

From pornographic misconceptions

The boiling, bawling anger I couldn’t control

Tearing myself from the flesh I called home

Descending into the valley, alone

I couldn’t come out until I figured how

Embrace my unique in a cookie cutter world

Screaming and crying until my nose would bleed

I was lost, so lost, it would seem

But when I went to sleep, I prayed to the walls

Please help me, lead me to something better

Something bigger and brighter than me

Everything in my eyes is failing, and I fell

Into dreams I haven’t had before or since

Wash my hands clean of the past

And embrace the new Me, the one you read

I don’t know what my own voice sounds like

Drowning in a chorus of many voices

Some needs are prioritized over others

But I always come back to the poet in Me

For words give me peace

Neither life nor death can bring

Bored (Simply Writing About Autism)

I became bored

Simply writing about autism

I felt like every one else

Just going on about the downfalls

The misery, the mistakes

It shouldn’t be ignored

But it has its place

I call it An Aspergian’s Chemical Romance

Because I mix love with the acidic burn

Of a childhood gone to waste

The adoration of poetry and prose

Through writing, failing, and gaining age

Withstanding the onslaught of emotion

And fear of being lost without a cause

This place became my refuge and devotion

Another round of poetic potion

Soothing rough edges of a world gone awry

Each line, each time, I raise the white flag

A sign that no matter what they call me

I will always be happy with how I’m made

I stain your glorious day

With a discord and blight

So you may never forget in your riches

There are those killed by your might

I felt with each breath a great pain

Now gone, this desire to feign my name

Suicide Missions

I travel through the darkness
To find the orphan child
The ones who don’t know they’re alive
Zombies they might be, but I know
What they can be
I used to be dead, just doing enough to get by
Just doing whatever they told me
I wanted to get it done, so I rushed through it
I dreamt of a perfect imperfection
Imperfect practice molded perfect pretending
Until I decided I wasn’t going to ride the wave
But be the catalyst
Now I don’t write but am written
No longer just reading but being read
Not a lover but being loved
There is a solemn liberation in silence
You have to be okay with being secluded
But once you let the whispers guide you
And the night terrors heighten your tolerance
You can see everything you need to know
Now the shouting doesn’t scare me
And I can run into the burning buildings
Save the ones I was meant to support
I’m coming for you
And then
I’m coming home

Taking Back My Life

White light

Switch the day

to night

Black as whips

Cross my skin

I fight

As breath is faint and light

Cross my body go chains of steel

I fail

As hunger burns heavy and tight

The American Dream is frail

As the tears that take vision from my eyes

From my family, from my future

And everything and everyone I hold dear

I’ll never be like you, and always in fear

Of what they might do

Because I’m not like you

Jogging through the city to find my peace

I still can’t find a seat to eat from this table

It’s a fantasy, but these cramps are real

Building my endurance through literature

I cannot outbid you, but I can out write you

I can speak of men young and old

Shatter your old and refurbished ways

The sun shines on me, on this new day

I’m also on Instagram now, so go follow me! 🤗

The Agony Inside

Cut me loose

And let it free

The agony inside of me

I breathe you in, but it never comes out

Shielded by anger and impenetrable doubt

I’ve made a mess of me

And in the shadows, I wonder about

Which parts they see

What do you ignore

I want to be part of your journey

And then I want more

But I’m too heavy, with my sickening daze

I’m in need so much mercy and grace

Engrained in the darkness

I’m forever stopped in this place

I see neither sun nor sin

Darkness nor birth

Just the electric burn of them saying

I’m less than the worthless

It riddles me in a way I cannot comprehend

Stifling my words, sinister in disguise

Coming to me in an elegant array of sizes

I wash myself of the day’s depths

Sinking deeper in the water, till it covers my mouth

Maybe I should stay

They wouldn’t remember me anyway

Check Please (I’m Tapping Out)

Are you happy now

With the way I turned out

You tricked me out, flipped me off

And scorned me before the world

Aren’t you delighted

With the scars on my face, the crimson stains

Skin dry with hunger for belonging

Eyes wet with thirst for solace

Tears homeless in a sanctuary of brothers

I shiver in the arms of a cold blooded world

Acceptance is hardly an issue

I have not room to breathe

Nor vision to see, shrouded in mystery

Why some resent, but others tolerate

The bridge between the gap wasn’t mine to create

But it is to endure

Till a beginning that renews everyday

And an end that won’t come, in spite I pray

And that’s why they’re never answered

Because I’m angry and spiteful of my past

The things I’ve done I thought would never last

Yet here I am burying their ugly heads

But they breathe within me, you see

See, as long as I live they too continue deeds

Of anxious anger awaiting eruption

Self esteem pressure cooked and boiling over

Rotten glances at those who annoy

Everything hurts, the sunlight burns

The moon tases, the stars tingle

Looking at girls and remembering I’m single

Wondering how hard it is to mingle

Then I do it, and regret

I’m not ready yet (10 years later)

Check, please

I’m tapping out

Session Two

It’s business

This pain against you

Ensnared in the Dream, no one

Can rescue you

The end is near

And so very far away

With every day you age

You get younger

Dumber

Lifeless as a pen on a shelf

Waiting to be made into the abstract

Motionless inside half beating heart

Comatose

Living and dying you are

In the vein of their gravity

No escape, not without the cry of blasphemy

“How dare you betray us”

“Do you think we’re really that bad?”

You deserve what you did, don’t you?

Spoiled little brat

Life can be a pain in the ass

But we’ve all got our paths

So stop complaining

They’re your parents after all

They know what they’re doing

Between Bleeding and Breathing

I want to love you

But I can’t

There’s something sensual

And quite offensive

In the youth of your hands

Sometimes you’re fantastic

And I’d gladly lie by your side

Take up your mantle

Riding with you till the end of the line

Shadows in the foreground

Never scare me, never steal time

When I’m dancing with your darling

Sometimes you’re staunchly impossible

And I’d gladly take your life

Watch the crimson run from passionate eyes

You were never meant to go on

Only die by my hands, in every possible

Rendition of time

But time does tell me, you’re somewhere

In between

Killed and to be killed for

Beating and breathing

Bleeding

From the finality of lust

Bleeding

From the hatred of your breath

And I turned you to dust