Benevolent Death, Malevolent Gravity

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I feel
I see
I hear
I believe
I think
I understand what’s before me
the endless spectrum of life
benevolent
malevolent
and everything in between this
arc
living and dying
is just continuing the breath
trapped in the gravity of space
buying and lying
is just continuing the death speak
of those trapped in gravity
I wish I were a cloud
then I could hide from the blood
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Silence Heals My Insane

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There’s a silence

That heals the insane

The wild, racing part of me

Never kept in check

By a voracious heartbeat

Dying to love you more

But hiding it all in life

Manic meltdowns

Leading to tear soaked pages

And curses uttered

From bottomless agony

Never meant to harm

But to release me

From the grapple of

The darkness

I still somehow

Can’t escape

 

Aspergers Will Always Be By Our Side

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I need more routine

and less surprise

I need more notebooks

to keep track of my thoughts as time flies

I need more honesty

and less romance

I need you to shut up

and let me listen to Dance, Dance

I’ve dug trenches you’ll never see

to keep all the abuse you have given me

I write until there’s nothing left to share

and the energy used to crowd please leaves me threadbare

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by our side

I only write to you

to help you take back the time

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by your side

I only write to you

to take control of the lies

Brothers and sisters

in self-depreciation

believing the myths spun by deceivers

for many generations

unsure of where to go

with nowhere to run

the world is just too loud

so to skulls some put guns

you are the human you choose

not what the world decides you are

in a world hellbent on being on conformity

I stand on a hill from afar

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by our side

I only write to you

to help you take back the time

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by your side

I only write to you

to take control of the lies

Silent Wave won’t go

Cocoons are comfy won’t go

neither will Beth

or the Cynical Reject

every autistic, every aspergian

shout we won’t go

because we are what we love

not who loves us

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Ten: Silence Is Golden

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I don’t like to talk much. And judging by how much I bare my soul here, you’d probably think I was lying, but that’s only because I don’t have to initiate a face-to-face conversation with you. Not that I wouldn’t in real life, but it’s FAR simpler through WordPress. Anyway, backwards organizations like Autism Speaks portrays Aspergian silence as a the mark of the beast, proof that we are mentally deranged and unable to function in the normal world.

(I have a job that is nothing BUT talking to people. Suck that, Suzanne Wright.)

As someone with aspergers, I can tell you for a fact that our silence is something else entirely. Does it make us seem unapproachable? Only if you believe the lies of the medical profession. I’ve had people all my life come up and tell me how kind and sweet I am, so I guess the silence isn’t as debilitating as they’d make you think.

My aspergian silence (I prefaced it with aspergers because it’s different from a normal person’s silence) serves as protection. People are inherently afraid of the quiet ones. I can tune out chatter and listen to what might be getting overlooked, and that gives me an essential head start over everyone else. And it’s a blessing, too, because I struggle reading nonverbal cues, so I need every bit of help I can get. My silence also serves as the “angel/devil on your shoulder”. I can be discouraged or encouraged to/from people simply because of the silent. Rather than making immediate conversation and getting lost in them, where obvious problems can be missed, I sometimes take weeks (If it’s in a group setting) to talk to others because, for me, silence is like a police sketch artist. I can determine what kind of person you really are by standing away from everyone. Maybe I’ve done that to one of you on here (my apologies, it’s just how I function). Because of this superpower, I’ve been able to avoid toxic relationships.

My silence isn’t just protection, though. It also serves as the backdrop of my creative self. There’s nothing more I enjoy than quietly watching scenes unfold. Not too long, though, because then you might look like a stalker, but just long enough to appreciate the moment. I’ve been doing a lot more of that lately. Appreciating where I am, when I am. I feel more connected when I’m in the moment, and my poetry reflects it. (I’ve also been sleeping better)

Organizations like Autism Speaks won’t tell you this, because few of them are #ActuallyAutistic. They don’t want awareness, they don’t want change. They just want your donations. But I’m different. I want not just awareness, but activism. I want autistics talking about their strengths and weaknesses. I want autistics sharing their life stories, stories of defeat, but also of victory. Wearing blue doesn’t do shit for us, but talking to us, learning about us, that’s special. That’s real. I hope you all are enjoying this series of posts, and if you have any other ideas for topics you’d like me to discuss, leave it in the comments below.