Everything

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Everything I see that’s crooked about me
Is restored by the mirror in your eyes
The pain, the shadows
They all become accessory in your light
Sometimes I’m afraid to come to you
You’re perfect, immortal in awesomeness
The totality of what I yearn to be
When I lie with you, we’re naked
Nothing but yesterday’s breath
And today’s sweat between us
We are one, you whisper, pulling us closer
I resist your touch, I’m a sinner in your sight
But you love in spite of the wrong
Each time I let you, I was given a closer look
You let me have all your body
And every time I came back
You gave me more
The sex is just a period on our emotion
Your delicious body just a note in my song
Spreading me open, head lost in a trance
I hold your head tightly
We shiver and shudder under the gaze of us
We cum and commence our devotion
Wrapped in your arms all I feel is safety
Comfort in knowing there is someone for me
You taste like my sweet bitter dreams
And rub away all of my demons
Each kiss blesses them with new chains
And fucks turns them away at the door
You taste
Like all my demons
For my friend, Mandie 
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Shadows

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It’s not when the shadows fall
Or when the crowds gather
When my dad said no
When she said no
When the publishers say no
When my prayers say no
When my check says no
When my neighbors say no
When the bloody streets, officers say no
When life seems to hate
Even the most primitive inkling of an idea of you
That’s not when I finally let the negatives in
No
The rain makes a hardier man
The hunger makes a quicker man
The storm makes a resourceful man
The loneliness makes a more loving man
It’s when everyone’s shouting my name
And telling me I’ve done a good job
When they’re clapping and lauding
It’s more yay than nay
Snapping than retorting
It’s when I’ve made it
That I realize I haven’t

Split

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Hiding from myself
The memories boxed up and shipped far
Into the recesses of time
But when it’s cold, the shingles stir
Dark clouds gather on the horizon
Lightning shatters confidence and sways
Funnel clouds evaporate conscious efforts
I crack and crumble and admit my faults
I fucked up so many times, why am I here
I say all the wrong things, think thoughts
Of a murderer, of a slave, of a con
I do all the wrong things, push everyone away
Friends and family say things, and deep down
I know they’re right, but my ego gets hard
And I fight the truth I know inside
It’s so cold when the winds leave
And so alone without the thunder distracting
I can hear all my demons vying for my head
Splitting my heaven into hell

Next Time

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The matches come out
And the winds die down
I look to my left, then right
Down below lies my city
And the memories I have of lying with her
Sleeplessness nights she comforted
Gave me words that fueled my passion
Dreams that awakened more dreams
Days melted in pictures I vaguely hold
But I have no love here
None that’s reached out, not that I can find
If I had, I would care
If I had, you’d have one more day
But I didn’t
So you don’t
Nothing left except watching them all burn
Maybe next time you’ll call back

That Man

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Scared to be lonely
Scared to be close to you
Scared to be a slave to a finger
Scared to be free in myself
Just scared
The nighttime falls upon me so swift
The nighttime falls without forgiveness
The nighttime reminds of words misspoke
The nighttime reminds of hearts broken
Tailored
For disaster, my mind
For remembrance, my mind
For bitter memory, all time
For all time
Never to behold, merely to grace
Never to hold, merely contemplate
Never to love, only to lust
Never to die for, only to live
In bitter reflection
I could’ve been that man

One and Done

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Advocate for me
Please remember who we used to be
And what we could’ve been
You were a mere conquest at first
Trying my hand at a game few can play
But you laid upon me a new gun game
Dominated my hours, my plans
Guarded my mind with feverish safety
Saved me from destruction like a medic
In the nick of time
But I tossed your heart
Underhanded grenade into the field of dreams
Your dreams, lovely
I took your time and attention
Left you with a hole in your heart
No revenge could fill
Now I’m left stunned and stimulated
Hindsight was not mine to meddle with
So let this poem be my call out
With no respawn

Pain And Indecision

I have memories endless

And the words to detail them all

Yet I pretend not to know my past

Saying it was all awash

And not worth the time to discuss

The rains fall upon oft-walked ground

Ipull out a drink, because only silence

Can truly understand why I bleed

The rain is cold, the winds creep through

Yet bare skin hardly shudders, I’ve endured worse

Glasses fog up, becoming a hindrance to life

I feel with my heart, the only thing that feels right

Now I can remember everything that happened

I can, but I still won’t tell

Nature knows what I’ve done, but I’m still afraid

I feel the eyes of another watching over me

Casting doubtful glances upon my soul

I have a knife that could end it all

The truth I withhold could set me free

But I love the pain, I love the indecision

It’s all I’ve ever known

Half Hearted

Maybe summer’s finally here

The sun shines long and hard

Blades of grass tall and firm

I see bees, young birds in the trees

The clouds don’t hide the perfection

Of a clear blue sky

Or maybe I’m just losing consciousness

The failed surgery on a heart long lost

And lungs pitiful and putrid from breath

Wasted on the legs of one I couldn’t have

My eyes are nearly liquid in their sockets

And my ears fell off years ago

A miserable corpse would be too kind

I am truly the walking dead

Never enough hatred to make me immune

To the darling voices of angels

Sent to save my sorrowful past

Just enough love to make them think

I was worth saving

Simply, I cannot go on as I am

Simple and secluded, I am little as a man

But I am exhausted from being told I’m alive

I am tired of being the only true dead

Among the masses of half-hearted

Fall Out

Bitter winds

Swept up in a fury of grief

The darkness hides the scars

The crimson lines around a pregnant mind

Pounding on the door for another line

On my knees promising you anything

For another shot at life

I didn’t give a fuck about sleep as a child

Now I can’t get enough

Cause I’m always running from their thoughts

And pretending not to hear the condescending

I’m never afraid to run into crowd

It’s staying there that gets me in trouble

I can’t say it any more plainly

I’m angry, I’m lonely, I’m just tired

The world and I don’t understand each other

I’m growing older and branching out and

And I think I might fall from the tree

Vessel Of Troubled Thoughts

The method of my madness

Is the confidence in blackness

In a meadow of white flowers

Some roses, some saps

In a forest of unintelligible raps

Small, handcrafted lines don’t stand a chance

And they never gave me one, no endorsement

But with patience and practice I absorbed it

Now wherever I go I pen the deepest passion

Without inspiration, just routine, no rations

Of any emotion I might be feeling at the time

Be it anger, be it guilt, be it sadness

That often warms as a thick quilt

Draped over a sick child in fits of agony

Don’t look at my misery, don’t behold

The catastrophe

But you can’t help but read, I can’t help but write

The tasers, headlamps, and body cams

The prisoners, the sentencers, the tweeters

They don’t scare me

Not nearly as much as I scare myself

Digging up these solemn regrets

And showing them off to the world

As if I were a vessel of troubled thoughts

With nothing left to give