Who We Are

The strings that bind are loose

The love that lies is loose

Among our throngs they collide

Our hearts are hostage to the times

Lips run red with an eerie cry

One of murder, mystery, and a hope

For salvation

Winter stubbornly vacates the premises

Yet my hands still feel so cold

I never want to believe, never want to change

Yet again and again I find myself alight

On the fervent energy of anger

And the restless malcontent of disappointment

I am forever fading, forever flaking

No longer able to pick up my pieces

Sweeping my ashes into different corners

And hope someone wonders who’s they are

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Through

Through the dark, through the wind

Through ghettos, through projects

Through cities, country, and mountains wide

Through memories of love and joy

Through broken hearts and tears I’ve cried

I’ve found a way to survive

Through days, I was hungry and ill

Through nights, I was cold and sleepless

Through suicidal thoughts and green pills

Through dreams that I wish had you

Through nightmares that always came true

I found a way to love them, and me too

Through words I’ve never spoken aloud

Through words I wish I actually didn’t

Through words I’ve painstakingly written

Through love I never knew I could feel

Through pain that would never make me kneel

I found a way to be authentic and real

I found a way to be all of me

Reminders

Sometimes the best time to be human is when you’re in pain. When everything hurts. When everything is stinging and throbbing and you begin to wonder what angel you pissed off. Or what drug your mother was on that led to your birth. When the nettles and thorns give way to crimson teardrops. Sometimes this is the only time I’m ever happy. That’s why I keep chasing people that I know don’t give a shit about me. I love pain. I need to be held up, then thrown across a thousand seas. I need to be kissed, then cracked on the head with an iron hammer. I need to be broken, so I know I am whole. I need to remember that I’m still human, and if this is the only way then so be it. I see the fictitious persons that fill my peripheral. They have no idea how lost they are. But pain strikes reality back into me, and I soon find out I’m not alone. Not unique. Not special in any way. And I breathe again. Because I realize that in spite of all my normality, someone loves me enough to keep me living.

Do You Wonder

Do you ever wonder what she thinks when you’re far away? Do you ever wonder if she wonders who you really care about? There’s times I think she’s become my second, my afterthought. The aftertaste of all the women on my lips is fecal in smell, and venom in my sight. I could never hurt you in such a way, but reputation is a funny thing to behold. One small slip, and all you’ve ever done is lost to the sea. Lost to memory. The tempest of wills, the chorus of voices that would tell me to distance myself from you scream far and wide. Somehow, for reasons unbeknownst to everything but my eyes, I cannot heed them. I will not. I’ve carried this dove so far. To let it pass by the wayside now would be abuse, and worse, a murder of good conscious. I may have let them take my life once, but I will not let them take you too.

Winter Soldier

It’s colder than I like to admit

Far more habit than lack of repentance

Sudden changes

To throw you off the trail

You can wonder, you can laud

Go ahead and punish me with words

It’s always been to no avail

Because I just don’t see your pain anymore

In wishing me to be like you and not me

I choose to become neither

Denying you meant giving up part of me

Yet I succeeded in not becoming

Another miserable token in your menagerie

Hardly working, it comes by default

I suffocated that bitch

And nailed it to the cross

The winter soldier frightens everyone

Back into their hollow home of heart

Except for me

Who has none regardless of season

Love Fails

We are the reason love fails. We are the reason love dies. We are the reason love shatters our hands, riddles our heads, and ruins our hearts. We are the reason we reason ourselves to be unlovable. We are the reason we reason the ones who catch our eyes to be weak. Whenever they don’t fall for us, there must be something wrong with them. They must have low standards. They must have a wrecked self esteem. Rather, could we not be projecting our own weaknesses? Maybe we’re the ones who are needy, and thus lonely. Maybe we are the ones who are sick. We are not in need of love, then, but time. Time to reflect on our past, present, and ever approaching future. Time to ponder our reasons and ideals. Time to appreciate the very existence of time. And in time, all this time that’s passed, you may not have found a lover. But through these careful actions gained the greatest love: the love of self. The love that says I need to heal before I try to heal you. I need to become stronger before I can become a pillar for you. Not always a rewarding process, but unequivocally essential to crafting a patient and caring human.

Just A Guy

I lost my father far too early

Not to death, but to a failed life

My brother is hardly much of a guide

He too seems to take after my father

Distant, ignorant

And easily taken by the call of nothing

Role models are everywhere

But what are they suggesting

I become

Drug dealers, pimps, sell outs

Rappers, shooters, fighters

Media sensations, Hollywood’s creations

Nothing of value, nothing of matter

And their pockets are enviable

Their stardom unattainable

But their journey to the top

Relatable

Just a young black guy

From southwest Baltimore

Just a young black guy

Who decided to be more

Than the black hoodies

That lined my streets

To be one step better, never commit crimes

And I won’t need to be caught by police

Just a young black guy

Writing instead of rioting

Writing instead of fighting

Writing instead…

You know what, I actually am

I don’t pick up a weapon

But I break your soul in two

I’ve never touched a grenade

But my shrapnel is already inside you

My pain is yours now

My loss is yours now

So too is my recovery

So too is my victory

I’m walking against the grain of time

And made us better

I’m fighting the holders of our vague future

The politics, the media, and the immature

Those who say what is will always be

Those who say that god does not exist

Because we cannot see him

Long Distance Friends 😞

Long distance friendship

Leaves us missing

Not words, but breath

Giving us not heartbeats, but heartache

Because woven in the distance between

Are the failures of all our dreams

When the storms begin to form

And the rains try to wash away

All the love we have for each other

Sometimes it seems we’re not meant to be

And all of these feelings are just that

Something that passes, and is passed

From one unsuspecting soul to another

Yet somehow, some way

Even when the night changes

It never changes us

Only brings us closer

In hopes of a nearer tomorrow

I Didn’t Create This

They asked me to ascend to heaven

I told them no

Not a matter of deserve, or right

But rather a fight against my mind

See, I’d love to tell you that heaven

Is a magical place with nothing

save for happiness and merriment

But the truth is I have no clue

And nobody’s come back

To tell us

They asked me to descend to hell

I told them sure

Because I’ve been there before

It’s far less hot than I imagined

But the ice, it runs through my veins

And the frost is blinding

They ask to me to go places

That I’ve either been to already

Or have no proof even exist

One is called hate

The other is love

And I am the firmament

Trapped by gravity

In the middle of a mess I didn’t create