Tag Archives: confusion

If I Woke Up Next To You

WAMTAC

What would I give
what would I be okay to lose
if I woke up next to you
what would happen
to the animal inside
the beast that only I knew
if I woke up next to you
my days are too long
and nights far too short
cut the umbilical cord of joy
abort the fetus of happiness
cry me a river if you will
until it drowns the world
like a bitter pill to a suicidal teen
or a ten year old girl in a short skirt
a perverts wet dream
where would these horrors sleep
and bear their marks with wretched claws on my brow
even as I write to you
they weigh upon me now
I don’t deserve these shackles
chains span distances used to astronauts
if I woke up next to you
would you even recognize me
or would you stare into eyes
tormented by today’s wedding vows
and yesterday’s make-up sex
if I woke up next to you
it would all be a dream
because I could never love you
as much I’d want to believe
I beg of you
save me now
before long, I will puncture this heart
and do it myself
when I wake up next to you

Panic Stricken Heart Of A Lonely Autistic

Staring at sunlight

falling behind fading clouds

as the crickets sing each other to sleep

I turn away from the world

slide down the wall

trying to feel where the breaths hurt

the floorboards creaking

and the backdoor shaking

brings back memories

I tried to put them out

no amount of rent could cover the charges

of eighteen years of pain

but they don’t listen to me, they don’t care

they made fun of my name

Fearing the worst, I back into a corner

putting my hands in front of my eyes

maybe they’ll take me

take me away for good this time

that’s foolish, because they never do

enough hate to paralyze you

but just enough love to open you up

to make you do it all again

the lights outside try to find me

but I’m hidden in the deep

you can call my name

but I’m hidden in a dream

the rabbit hole

that never ends

the doctor who said I was healed

was playing pretend

I live life one third open

and three-fourths closed

hating your presence mostly

but secretly wishing

 you’ll take me home

to a place of sunshine and clouds

flowering fields and trees

to happily cry under

and removing the doubts

that have plagued me for so long

I, finally, can lift my head

and sing a happy song

If only such a place

existed in my world

If only…

 

Love, Sway This Aspergian Mind (The Hole Is The Likelyhood Of It Happening)

md2

First off, I joined Facebook. You can find me under my name, Devereaux Frazier. Secondly, I got the comment thing figured out. Some of my comments on some blogs were being caught as spam, which is weird (I don’t leave links or the like), but others didn’t and everything is okay.

Tonight’s poem is on love, and all this Valentine’s Day stuff is being beamed into my head and I feel terrible. I’m single, and it sucks. Thankfully, it’s just one day, but boy…I’m counting down the hours till it’s over. I’m tense, disappointed, and hopeful for a new life, and I hope this poem conveys that…(I chose a murky painting, because that’s how I’m feelin’)

 

Aspergers keeps me from connecting

and in shyness I go on letting

sweet girls go by

I wish I had one

just one

Sway my mind

 

Another morning

another sunrise

Look! It’s almost time

to put on my disguise

so that they never know

that I think too slow

and love

that special love

I’ve never known

 

I guess you could say

that it’s not meant to be

that I’ll always be my own special lover

Content, but lonely

True, but only

and the chapter is the same, every single day

 

Confident as I am

I’d hate to die alone

Honesty and truth, I’ve sown

but without the nurturing

of a special one’s sweet love

faded opportunity

before it reached the ground above

 

It’s not about money

it’s not about time

it’s about unearthing the treasures

that could very well be mine

but I’m ill-equipped

to search the mines

just some pointy sticks

A step above twigs

How could I find

even the tiniest of reserves

when after years of being burned

I burn out and give up the ghost

 

The shadow of something

I’ve never named

but wishing

to one day claim

No Easy button, no clues to follow

just a mire of faces

and anxiety to swallow

 

An Aspergian’s Letter To Old Friends

a_northern_light_cover

If you’re an old friend (or if you’re not, but identify as one), then thank you for impacting my life in the time span we knew each other. If not, then read it as you normally would…also, my posts this month have been on the melancholy side. I’m trying to change that, but when I put my pen to paper I just get sad feelings. I’m feeling better after last week’s depressed state, but nothing “happy”. If  everyone leaves something (a word, a phrase, an image, whatever) positive in the comments, I could use that and turn it into a poem. Maybe that’ll help. In the meantime…

Chest burning

memories of the past keep occurring

I loved the way you laughed

I could listen to it all night

and like a comet you dashed

leaving me surprised

we used to talk everyday

but for some reason the message box got empty

and though I had plenty

more to say

I couldn’t muster the strength to ask

if you were okay

and is it okay

to drop off without saying why

I couldn’t do that to someone else

No, I wouldn’t even try

What did I say to you

Did you know what I never knew?

You played me for a fool

and now I’m begging you

for the truth

It haunts my days, keeps me sleepless at night

wondering if I did everything right

and am I right

to keep wondering

if you’re there

when you have no interest in me

I guess life isn’t fair

and I’ll pay my fare

but I want to get my money’s worth

don’t just leave me

like I have no worth

and it hurts

to be left alone

wondering what to say

when I pick up the phone

hoping not to say

whatever sent you on your way

Don’t forget me

that’s all I ask

from you,

Past

An Aspergian Sheds Some Tears, And Light, On His Personal Abuse Story: The Aftermath

a_northern_light_cover

I told you that I’d write a poem based off this story (you should read the original inspiration first, here https://marylandpoetblog.wordpress.com/2016/12/11/an-aspergian-sheds-some-tears-and-light-on-his-personal-abuse-story/comment-page-1/), and I will tell you that this poem was the most difficult piece I’ve ever written. It’s that I’m writing a particular poem, it’s remembering what happened and trying to piece it together with words. Each word is like a knife, re-opening each wound, each bruise, and every tear.

This post deals much more with the aftermath of the incident; how it changed me as a person. As someone that struggles with a anxiety and stress, I still don’t know what to think of that day. I still wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I mean, to be beaten in that kind of way, there has to be, right? I’m not perfect, and I’ve done things I regret to the fullest. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s the Aspergers, and maybe I’m as crazy as they say I am. Maybe I’m as rude, disrespectful, and inconsiderate as they I am. Maybe it’s because I’m sensitive, and I needed to be taught a lesson. Maybe I needed to be “toughened”. I’ve never been a tough guy, and I’ve never played a sport or done anything of the sort. Maybe that’s how Dad’s toughen up their sons. Beating them underneath beds. Yeah, that’s right. Give their kids hernia’s. How many hospital trips? Check ups. Uncomfortable handling, fondling…

 

I have an open mind

by choice

and a closed heart

by condition

I’m open to new things

but when I meet new people

I wilt inside my prison

Or I think the worst of them

because I’ve been broken

by so many others

Some people I appreciate

more than I should

because I need to fill a hole

and others I appreciate

less than others would

because I can’t see how much they care

With an open mind

I will probably accept you

but with a closed heart

you can only come so far

I am fragile

Snowflakes on a hot road

Fairies in the midst of dragons

I have to protect myself

from the unknown

and as loving as you may be

you are an unknown

Foreign

like a disease

Cancerous

if you penetrate too deep

and I can’t let that happen

Maybe one day

my heart will open

to everyone

but for now

I haven’t figured out the code

Maybe

you could

Maybe you could save me

from falling inside

the black

(Note: At the end of the year, I will post my 2016 Blogger Awards, appreciating the blogs I thought were the best this year. I’ll also be compiling my favorite comments, so I’m especially watching what you leave behind!)

You Want Me? Guess Again: An Aspergian’s Question To The Outside World

 

nano

I get the feeling people love me, or hate me. Some people can’t stand my presence, which doesn’t bother me much because i probably can’t stand theirs, and then there are people that i just can’t seem to get rid of. Like the people that constantly message/text message/whatever me. There’s only a handful, and I mean a handful, of people i actually enjoy talking with. The rest I entertain out of courtesy. My pure aspergian self would just ignore them, but that won’t get me anymore. I used to do that when I was younger, and while I still struggle with daily conversation I’ve progressed a bit and faking it (because thats what it really is) to keep people interested. Still, I struggle in meeting new people and making people interested in me. To most people I seem fairly bland (God, family, school, writing, and my Chiefs. Wow.) and the fact I’m ugly too doesn’t help.

I don’t know how to make myself seem “cool”, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve stopped caring because “cool” doesn’t mean anything in the real world. I wonder what makes me seem interesting to some people,and not to others. It’s crazy, and furthermore, I don’t know how to respond when people say they like me. Aspies lack that “sight”, if you will, and so it only complicates things when it comes to social interaction. I turn away people that like me, because I appear to be unsure myself in what I want. Maybe I’ve turned away a few of you. I don’t know. Apparently you neurotypicals don’t just say “I like you” or “I want to be friends” and instead embark on long and ridiculous stretches of nonverbal mush.

Help me, please.Maybe I need a class on body language. Like, when chicks start opening and closing their legs. What does that mean? And why? Or when people lean towards you when talking? It feels SO DAMN WEIRD.

Ah, life. Thank god I can write poetry. The only way I can explain myself without going absolutely crazy.

 

I am

an Aspergian

often times

regrettably

So, this is to the girl

who’s out there

thinking

I fall in love easily

Do you know

what you’re getting yourself into?

Do you know

what this entails?

Are you ready to pick me up

if I fail?

Will you be strong

when I am weak?

Can you make my heart

beat?

Will you leave me

if I fall?

Or what if

I don’t respond to your call?

When I want to be

alone

Will you

still call my arms “home”

What if I don’t hold you

will you find someone else?

What if I can’t love you

will you leave me cursing myself?

What if I don’t understand the first time

or the second?

Will you wait with me

until the forty-second?

What if I don’t get up

because the world makes me tired?

Will you wake me

and make me inspired?

What if

I’m shy around people

Will you gossip

and encourage the evil?

What if I don’t

know how to dance

will you still give me

a second chance?

What if I don’t know

how to have sex

Will you fail me

like a second grade test?

What if I can’t

kiss you?

Will you forget that I also

miss you?

When I

don’t want to talk

will you stay by my side

as we walk?

When I want

to be silent

Will you shatter me as you

fight it?

I’ll never be

that guy

but can you

give me the chance to try

to not be someone

else’s dream

but to be my own

crazy thing

that hates crowds, spontaneity

and scraping sounds, lately

but loves poetry, nature,

and a girl named Demi

Maybe I’m a little weird

I’m sure you’d agree

But my heart may be open

for you and me