Lies Swirl Down Your Throat

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I don’t ever take credit

for what I do

I won’t ever take credit

for what I’ve done

I’m just a sinner like you

under the eyes of a watchful sun

broken and bewildered

I claw at every day

one day I’ll break the ribbon

one day, when I find my way

compliments can fall

for hours they may laud

but as long as I’m true to myself

I’m free from it all

Stares don’t ignite

anxious flames alight

foul tempers run amuck

but in carefully placed glances are stuck

because I’m not who I was

this time last month

so kiss that bottle

and let the lies swirl down your throat

because they choke at my indignation

in the rear view goes their exclamation

I feel free from the weight

and they can never hold me down

because while I feel alone

my friends aren’t far now

when the reign is on a rout

stillness comes on a single cloud

and confidence is restored

hear me loud

 

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The Cure (?)For Autism, Part Two

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Speaking of the inside, that brings me to the point of this article. I titled this “The Cure For Autism” because I have it. I’ve spent a lot of time on this blog talking about the affects of Aspergers on me, and how I go about modifying my life to balance both my internal needs and those of the people around me. People say that autism is incurable, because it’s not a disease or something of that ilk. However, I believe that there is something that can greatly reduce, if not eradicate, the effects of autism. It’s a four letter word we use everyday.

Food.

Complex? Far from it. See, when we talk autism we immediately think of the brain, spinal cord, and nerves. Especially when regarding aspergers, since it is perceived to be a neurological disorder, do we assume that there’s something wrong with the brain. What scientists, autistics, and everyone in between fails to see is that our lower body is a mirror image of the upper regions. There is science out there that shows the similar the gut and the brain really are. The gut and the brain are connected, and when you alter one you alter the other.

A study released in the summer of ’15 showed that there was autism rates jumped 18% in children of teenage mothers. “This hasn’t really been seen before, and we can’t really explain it,” says Brian Lee, an associate professor of epidemiology and biostatistics at Drexel University and a research fellow at the A.J. Drexel Autism Institute. He hypothesized that it may have to had to do with sub-optimal pregancies and health care, but what if has to do with the poor food choices made by teenagers in America today?

Reading on “Food For The Brain”, I found these key pieces of information in the fight for autism clarity:

“Deficiencies in essential fats are common in people with autism. Research by Dr Gordon Bell at Stirling University has shown that some autistic children have an enzymatic defect that removes essential fats from brain cell membranes more quickly than it should. This means that an autistic child is likely to need a higher intake of essential fats than the average. And it has been found that supplementing EPA, which can slow the activity of the defective enzyme, has clinically improved behavior, mood, imagination, spontaneous speech, sleep patterns and focus of autistic children.”

“There is much overlap between ADH/hyperactivity and autism, so for autistic children who show signs of hyperactivity, improving blood sugar balance is a must.”

“Dietary studies consistently reveal that hyperactive children eat more sugar than other children4. Other research has confirmed that the problem is not sugar itself but the forms it comes in, the absence of a well-balanced diet overall, and abnormal glucose metabolism. A study of 265 hyperactive children found that more than three-quarters of them displayed abnormal glucose tolerance, – that is, their bodies were less able to handle sugar intake and maintain balanced blood sugar levels.”

“In any case, when a child is regularly snacking on refined carbohydrates, sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks, juices and little or no fibre to slow the glucose absorption, the levels of glucose in their blood will seesaw continually and trigger wild fluctuations in their levels of activity, concentration, focus and behaviour-. These, of course, will not help any child’s brain function.”

“Paediatrician Mary Megson from Richmond, Virginia, believes that many autistic children are lacking in vitamin A. Otherwise known as retinol, vitamin A is essential for vision. It is also vital for building healthy cells in the gut and brain.”

“The best sources of vitamin A are breast milk, organ meats, milk fat, fish and cod liver oil, none of which are prevalent in our diets. Instead, we have formula milk, fortified food and multivitamins, many of which contain altered forms of retinol such as retinyl palmitate, which doesn’t work as well as the fish or animal-derived retinol. Megson began speculating what might happen if these children weren’t getting enough natural vitamin A12.”

“She realised that not only would this affect the integrity of the digestive tract, potentially leading to allergies. It would also affect the development of their brains, and disturb their vision. Both brain differences and visual defects have been detected in autistic children. The visual defects, Megson deduced, were an important clue because lack of vitamin A would mean poor black and white vision, a symptom often seen in the relatives of autistic children. If you can’t see black and white, you can’t see shadows. And without that you lose the ability to perceive three-dimensionality. This in turn leaves you less able to make sense of people’s expressions, which could explain why some autistic children tend not to look straight at you. They look at you sideways. Long thought to be a sign of poor socialisation, this sideways technique may in fact be the best way for them to see people’s expressions, because there are more black and white light receptors at the edge of the visual field than in the middle.”

This research is ASTOUNDING because it explains so much of what plagues those on the autism spectrum. Here we are, putting our heads in the sand believing that there’s nothing we can do for autistics, when in fact the very cure is right in front of us.

Take it from me, someone who works at a donut and coffee shop and whose favorite foods just happen to be the worst foods for me. It will be hard for me to give up things like donuts and pizza, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t give so my limitations could be breached. I’ve read the stories and heard the struggles. They can end, right here, right now.

Drastic reductions of symptoms are possible, IF we change our lifestyles. These changes are not easily undertaken, but gradual reductions of things like gluten, casein, and artificial sugars can change the lives of autistics across the world.

Starting today, I’m going to change my diet. The process will be gradual, but I will document each day. I’ll record how I’m feeling and thinking. I believe that if I have the ability to make myself better, why ignore it?

Maybe I’ll even encourage my fellow autistic bloggers to do the same.

The Cure (?) For Autism, Part One

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I’ve lived eighteen years on this wonderful planet, but only in the last five have I known I was on the autism spectrum. I barely knew anything about the condition except for that people who had it were not treated kindly, there was an organization that supposedly strives to raise awareness, and they are often very smart. My own personal story has made me reconsider much of what I thought about autism and how I respond to what people say about us in the news. I used to think that if someone changed their opinion too much, they couldn’t make up their minds.

 

Now I know it’s essential, when gaining new knowledge and insight, to always be changing. You cannot gain and stay the same. At least I couldn’t.

The last five years of my life have easily been the best. I needed a window out of my confusing and easily angered childhood, but early on my Aspergers diagnosis only made me angrier. I hated this weird sounding name that made me feel more obvious than I already knew I was. What I needed was an example. I wanted to find someone, anyone, out there that was succeeding. If they could, in spite of our numerous limitations, then I could too. That’s when I discovered John Elder Robinson. I read his books, and more importantly than the information I gained, my entirely different outlook on my new life.

I wasn’t just the angry, confused, autistic kid.

I was the weird, informed, confident (and somewhat arrogant) autistic kid.

Over this time, my life has changed drastically. Some ways were obvious, like my need for music. I spend a great part of my life just listening to it, and I feel stronger when I do. The silence (without being silent) is immensely therapeutic, and I thrive when I have this balance. I’ve also gotten outside more often. Not only did my job require it, but I’ve felt the desire to get outside and, yes, even be around people. Contrary to the garbage that comes from Autism Speaks (among others), people with aspergers don’t mind being around people. In my individual case, it’s how many for how long. Being around two or three people for a couple hours is totally cool with me. Surround me twenty people for less time (funny, huh?) and I’m a disaster on the inside.

(The second, and most critical, part of this piece will feature tomorrow night. I hate to be so blunt with the ending but I wasn’t sure how to end)

More Afraid Of “Yes” Than “No”?

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I hate change.

I wake up the same time: between 6-7am

wear (basically) the same clothes: some combination of jeans, T shirt, and jeans

eat the same food: eggplant wraps, sandwiches, fruits, salads, occasional fast food, donuts

do the same thing: work, write, read, watch the news

listen to the same music: Fall Out Boy, panic! At The Disco, Ariana Grande, Demi Lovato, Nicki Minaj (she’s my queen)

 

The only change recently that I’ve actually welcomed is my friend counter going from zero to one with the addition into my life a very sweet and funtastic girl named Rosa.

 

I’m more aware of what makes me tick, and that has helped me cope when change does come, but it doesn’t take away the defensive mechanisms I was born with. I still get extremely emotional (mostly anger, even when the change benefits me) and it takes me some time to process it all. You can give me a second or three years and I’ll still respond the same. I would rather things just stay the same, and I know that would make this world very bland, but that’s me.

 

This brings me to why I wrote this to begin with: the girlfriend question. I’ve never had one, probably won’t ever have one, and wouldn’t know how to process it if I did have one. I few weeks ago I was thinking about an article topic, and this thought ran across my mind: “am I giving off energy that keeps me from having a girlfriend because I’m more afraid of yes than no?”

 

See, if I pursue a girl and she says no to me, then that’s fine. I’m a teenage black autistic poet (weird combo to say the least) I’m used to rejection. But if a girl says yes, that’s when problems arise. I’ve never had one before, so what do you call that? CHANGE. Not that I would ever be opposed to the idea, but my mental wiring would resist it (even if she looked like Kate Upton). I realized that while my heart would love it, my head hates it, and that’s why it hasn’t happened.

 

As I’ve talked about in some of my poems, I’ve deeply considering giving up. I realized that would never do because it’s never right to give up on something that is good. For now, I’ll keep trying. The wall has to come down eventually. What if, through trial, error, and repetition, I can make my brain more accommodating to change? (that sounds wrong but I needed to write it) I’m not a scientist, but I’m not going to call it impossible until I haven’t done it.

 

Until next time 🙂

 

 

I Didn’t Believe I’d Be Where I Am Today

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I didn’t believe

I would do anything that I’ve done today

I never saw, or even dreamed

that I’d be where I stand today

just a few years ago I couldn’t come out the house

in fear and angst at the outside world

just a few years ago I didn’t volunteer

and while confident in my abilities to be a published author

I never thought I’d have even a part time job

especially not in customer service

just a few years ago my whole life was porn and Madden

now I’m repaying the anger with hum of fingers on these keys

call me Darren McFadden

the anger I used to take out on my family

on strangers

on me

frustrated at the disability that I could never see

the desire but lack of strength to set this soul free

if only I could see the door trust me I’d make the key

now today I know I’m stronger than they said I’d ever be

when I put down the Clorox

and opened up my soul

to some guy living in the sky

I realized he could make me whole

He showed me that my condition

was a gift

put down the knife, put down the concrete

and mend this rift inside me

aspergers humbles me every single day

it reminds me that without him nothing will go my way

when I’m feeling down I put pen to paper and I pray

somebody please take this anxiety away

away

goes the pain

goes the regrets

go the doubters

and to everyone who saw me write nonstop

and said I was wasting my hours

this one’s for you

for the lovers

for the haters

for those who don’t know me

and those who wish they did

 

 

A Simple Aspergian Dream That Seems So Far Away

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I talk a lot on this blog about my shortcomings with Aspergers, mainly how difficult things like making friends and social interaction are. I talk about how hard it is to deal with being left out, because you’re shy or not “cool” enough. It’s hard to fit in, and while it’s not easy watching other people succeed at something while you trip, stumble, and fall over it every time, it doesn’t mean I don’t wish.

I wish a lot.

I’ve wished a lot of things. I wished I killed myself when I was seven. I wish my Dad killed me so I wouldn’t have to look at myself everyday with the same scars, the same sores, and tell myself I’m okay. I wished I’d walk out of the house during a drive-by, so I could put an end to all the pain in my head. I wished I had the courage to string myself up to a tree, or put a bullet in my heart, and rid the world of all my shit, all my failures, and all my inabilities. I wish people would stop trying to be friends with me, so they wouldn’t have to see what’s really inside me, what’s really on this side of the screen that seems to draw in so many. I wish…

In spite of those wishes, I’ve had a few nice ones, too. I wish I was sociable and confident, and I could get a job so I could stop seeing my Mom do it. I wish I was confident, and I could lead group discussions in classes I attend. I wish I was confident and sociable, so I could stand out. I wish I was strong, and didn’t carry the not egregious but noticeable belly fat that I do.  (Started an exercise program to help with that!)

But my greatest wish?

That I could be in a relationship. With a girl. Long-term. Like. Forever.

I want one of those romances that just goes on and on and on. Love that has no age. Love that stretches us thin but fills us and breathes on us. Love that makes you run down city blocks just to see her again. Love that people cry in movie theaters about. Love that people write about. Love that makes people quite addictions. Love that changes the hardest of hearts. Love that cures illnesses. Love that…

I know it probably won’t ever happen, but I can dream. I don’t know what to look for, but maybe she’s looking for me. Maybe she’s already found me, and she’s waiting for the right time. Or maybe she’s waiting for me to come out my shell. If so, she’s damn patient, because it’s been seventeen years and I still can barely get my head out. Maybe it’s false hope, maybe it’s just a fantasy-turned-obsession that will never pan out…

Or maybe it’s real and I’m listening to the doubt, again.

Wherever she is. Until she is. I wrote this…(maybe for her?)

“You had a great night? Awesome, I did too. I’m gonna be so sore in the morning.”

“So, uh, see you next weekend?”

“Alright. Night, Tracy.”

It’s early in the morning, just past three

Happiness, and excited wishes, my company

Walking down your block

as I mind wanders, I’ve over stimulated with thought

I’m really glad I could make you smile

even if it meant running for eight miles

because I know what it means to you

not to just love me, but for me to love you too

Hearing your voice brightens my day

I’d listen to your voice mail and let time tick away

I’m done being a boy

with someone else’s time being another fleeting toy

This life is so new

and of my inexperience, I’m sure you knew

But we don’t care

We just want to enjoy the moment, then and there

We have separate minds

but our hearts are still entwined

I know we might have to be far away,

but I know we’ll find our way

back to where it all began

where you and I first ran