Once and For All, Torn Apart

torn_apart_by_umbatman-d7eesio

deep underneath the guise

of dedication to fortune and fame

is the hollowed out heart

suffocating on its own misfortune and shame

will crushed into powder

to keep up the hallucination

of their minds ultimate game

of hunter and creation

spirit and soul

turned against each other

a stone to the head silences any doubt

Cain has killed his brother

sometimes I wonder

why I was even born

what is my purpose than to boil

in the cosmic soup of my own scorn

why do I love to hate myself so

beat my lungs until I’m sore

with words and writings

of a car crashed soul

there’s no where to put

this blood I’m losing

out of madness comes bruising

and organs shipped in cooling containers

because I’m basically tearing myself apart

these heavy breaths are the floating ark

in the flood of my heart

once and for all, torn apart

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I Didn’t Believe I’d Be Where I Am Today

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I didn’t believe

I would do anything that I’ve done today

I never saw, or even dreamed

that I’d be where I stand today

just a few years ago I couldn’t come out the house

in fear and angst at the outside world

just a few years ago I didn’t volunteer

and while confident in my abilities to be a published author

I never thought I’d have even a part time job

especially not in customer service

just a few years ago my whole life was porn and Madden

now I’m repaying the anger with hum of fingers on these keys

call me Darren McFadden

the anger I used to take out on my family

on strangers

on me

frustrated at the disability that I could never see

the desire but lack of strength to set this soul free

if only I could see the door trust me I’d make the key

now today I know I’m stronger than they said I’d ever be

when I put down the Clorox

and opened up my soul

to some guy living in the sky

I realized he could make me whole

He showed me that my condition

was a gift

put down the knife, put down the concrete

and mend this rift inside me

aspergers humbles me every single day

it reminds me that without him nothing will go my way

when I’m feeling down I put pen to paper and I pray

somebody please take this anxiety away

away

goes the pain

goes the regrets

go the doubters

and to everyone who saw me write nonstop

and said I was wasting my hours

this one’s for you

for the lovers

for the haters

for those who don’t know me

and those who wish they did