Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty-Two: Where Are They Now?

burning-tree

I’ve turned away a lot of people over my lifetime. Some I didn’t mind turning away (like my Dad, but that’s another story), and others I didn’t know well enough to care either way, but then there’s the ones I regret every single day. The ones you see in your reflection in the mirror. The ones they write songs about. The ones that make you feel less than human for ever letting go.

For me, there’s this one…it was this girl I met a few years ago. Around my age. Pretty.  Blonde. Lived in Baltimore, too. Funny. Very talented writer. Everything I’ve always wanted in a girl. I didn’t know what happened, but we just stopped talking. I couldn’t figure out why at first, and so I was mad at her for while. Maybe I just looked too deep into her, or maybe she was too shallow. Then it hit me.

I remember how I used to text her constantly. And call a lot (if you can’t tell I’m going against a lot of my aspergian tendencies. Tells you how much I liked this girl). I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t think it was wrong, for people who liked each other to talk a lot, and she took it well for a while. And then she told. “It’s really annoying” she said in an early morning text, and that was the last I’ve heard from her.

I didn’t know as much about my Aspergers then, and I didn’t understand that I was intruding on her personal space. I feel like a terrible fool nowadays, and I wish I could meet her just once to apologize for everything. We don’t even have to become friends, it would just feel good to actually be honest with her. I was desperate to make friends back then, so I never told her about my condition. Anyway, this is a poem about her. If she’s reading this, well, it may be too much too late, but I had to write this to bring some closure regarding the incident, and the hope that one day I’ll be able to make it right.

 

Boarded the number ten

as light rain sends the birds

scurrying to the shadows

there’s but a few men

seated sporadically

on the star speckled seats

time alone for this lonely soul

is a rarefied treat

I pass through my city

sober seems to be the mood

with the cloudy sky putting a dent

in many afternoon

some are talking on cell phones

other eating lunch

still steaming in brown styrofoam containers

some hustle down the blocks

some idle in green crocs

those shoes disgust me

Light Rail goes by

I think of heading to work

and enjoying a peach fry pie

on to the number eleven

passing the Charles Street metro

I can’t remember how to forget

how I was a lot more ignorant

and subsequently braver

how I’d approach her with confidence

and think of consequences later

I think she liked that

I think she liked that a lot

but the charm wore off

as the autistic traits I tried to hide

knocked on my wood

I kid you not, it shrunk

as time wore on, she became distant

and I become resistant

at the sight of what had become

and I haven’t heard of her in two years

what have I done

 

 

 

Advertisements

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty-One: I Do It For My Family, My Autistic Family

wamtac

Each day I come in

and don my white apron

smile, and polite greetings

I step to the demons

and grit my broken teeth

leave them seething

each day I make change

empty powder-covered trays

and laugh at Mary’s favorite team

and their horrible receivers

I step to the establishment

and stab them in the face

out of shy autistics I make believers

every tip received

and check cashed

shows them how far I’ve come

I’ve aged pretty fast

not in years, really

but in confidence

in determination

and in courage

I don’t carry a chip on these shoulders

I carry the dead of Mount Everest

and quiet should your expectations stay

lest you trigger my sensitivity

and cause me to uncloak

the dreaded focus and commitment

that the profession continues to revoke

I work for my family

my autistic family

the ones with moths on their web pages

and female warriors, too

“Aspergian’s can’t work in customer service”

if only you knew

that I do it

to prove you wrong

I dance to the beat of my hand-flapping

foot-tapping

tell-tale autistic drum

and marching in the opposite direction

eventually gets you noticed

and soon others are eager

to sing along

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty-One: Something Beautiful I Haven’t Yet Put Into Human Form

WAMTAC

I can’t get enough of the way she moves

she’s so perfect

dancing long into the night with the groove

she’s so perfect, the way she moves

with hips so wide

and face so smooth

I wrestle with my heart, my mind

if I could turn back time

to before I was born

I wouldn’t have made myself like this

but here I am

with this condition of mine

I’ve got something to prove

and swimming in my veins

is the desire, the will

to make me fall in love again

twirling gracefully

she’ll soon call it a night

twirling seductively

I have to make her bite

I don’t have much to offer

looks seemed to skip this one

but as far as this room is concerned

I’m the only one

that stares long enough

and sits quietly enough

to hear the heartbeat

of a little bird

in the busty chest of a temptress

waiting to settle down and nest

with a forever lover

unlike any other

and that’s what I have over them all

just draw close to me soon

take my shaking hand in yours

so confident, so proud

and let us work the room

of life guided by infinity

with silence, and also with sound

I do, I do

I truly love you

and I’ve never been so damn sure

as I am right now

before your gazing eyes

and knowing all my past

will be made right

with a kiss, with a kneel

a ring, a veil

a storybook

waiting to be written

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty: A Hypothetical Relationship Between Two Aspergians

abc

I figured it out

figured it out from black and white

I can’t pretend to be someone else

as much as I know it would make things right

between you and I

between you and I

I can’t be like them

the voicemail to God asking to make me normal

never got returned

and all these years

with countless advances spurned

now you know why

you and I

will never work out

because there’s no room for love

in the sea of my anxiety and doubt

You know I’d love you

to the moon and back

if I wasn’t so weird

and attracted to the beauty of the black

that’s what makes this so hard

I do and I don’t

have what it takes to be with you

and knowing I’ll never have a chance

shrinks any happiness

inside these pants

you and I

destined to be watchers, I suppose

without a hand to give one another

and filled with two hearts

that will never grow

passively watching the world go round

we cover our ears

at sudden sounds

and I’d call you out to dance with me

but we’ll miss subtly

of why I called to begin with

between you and I

it seems we were made for each other

but to everyone else

we’re just too desperate

to find other lovers

or too

disabled

we couldn’t get anyone else

anyway

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Nineteen: Hey God, I Don’t Think I Thank You Enough

sad-girl-dp-for-fb

(Actually, I know I don’t.)

When I was diagnosed with Aspergers four years ago, I honestly thought he was cursing me. Some punishment, I thought. (Probably for all the videos I used to watch, but that’s another story) Still, I had to live, even if I didn’t know why this burden was placed in my life. I hated my life. I hated everything about myself. Fast forward to today, and things are quiet different. My confidence (while not high) is growing a little every day, and I’ve accomplished a lot. (Published in Teen Ink’s October Edition of 2015…three award winning articles on Teen Ink’s website…staying published on SpillWords…joining an Art Council…getting a job at one of my favorite shops in Maryland…and voice behind a blog that’s followed by thousands) Despite my weaknesses and short-comings, I always seem to come out on top (or pretty close to it), and I owe it to nothing and no one but the divine. I had a rough childhood, and I did a lot of bad things as a kid, but to where I am today. To see how much you all love my words, and how much of an impact I’ve had on you…that tells me, and should tell you, that there’s someone watching us. Guiding us towards something greater than we could ever imagine. It’s truly relieving to know there’s someone watching your back….(and pulling you back when you’re about to walk into a trap)

 

Hey God,

I don’t think

I thank you enough

In fact, I know I don’t

every time the heart beats

and these lungs take in air

is an unbreakable seal

and confirmation that you are there

there isn’t a sunset

or season change

that you haven’t arranged

not a day or night

that you haven’t created

with your own might

I have a lot of weaknesses

food and sexy girls just two

but in spite of them I live

and I owe it all to you

and I have a lot of sadness

from being friendless

to struggling with Aspergers

but with your strength

I continue to live this

life you’ve given me

and every word that I write

causes me to see

that I am loved

beyond my downfalls and impurities

that I am loved

above all the evil inside of me

there’s not enough time

no matter of hours or days

could contain

the amount of praise

you deserve

but with my words

let your love be heard by all

and through me

may your grace save us

from the fall

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Eighteen: What is Aspergers To Me?

WAMTAC

Aspergers

what is it to me?

A cancer

that only I can see?

A poison

drunk by the unborn soul at birth?

A dent, a scratch

that devalued my worth?

A bolt from a complete machine

that keeps me doomed

from reaching your sweet?

A scarlet mark on my chest

to serve as a marker

for scorn from the rest?

A road to suicide

because one spirit

cannot see a way out this mess?

I see it as all

and none

because I look not at what I was

but what I’ve become

I’m not what I’ve done

I’ve what I’ve overcome

A unique condition that challenges others

to accept what we give out sporadically

but challenges the autistic further

by forcing him or her

to accept what they are daily

See, others can chose to live us with us or not

but we must live with ourselves day after day

you can put on any mask and don any cape

try as we may, there is no other way

real autism doesn’t ask for money

because all the riches in the world

couldn’t buy us an once of normality

real autism only asks for your ears

that you listen to our wishes and fears

what we love and what we hate

why a pattern we are quick to replicate

and in time our words imprint on you something no

Benjamin could ever replace

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Seventeen: Aspergers Can Feel Like A Prison

zerozero

Stop burning bridges, they say

but I don’t know how

I’m a soul held against my will

and an animal tied to the plow

you can lead me to water

but I’ll die of thirst

afraid to put my feet in front of my brain

and be the first

there’s so much room

inside this cave of a mind

I get lost in the words, in the memories

and it seems I can’t keep track of time

or anything, that seems to matter

because I spend so much time hiding from others

blacker becomes never ending night

that strangles the essence of being

and leaves torment and tempest to dwell upon

I have little to turn to, so I bleed

what my knife hasn’t taken already

and write the quiet a love song

cry on the couch, cry on the bed

every single second brings apocalyptic dread

cry in the morning, cry in the night

poetry restores me, gets me right

the road seems longer

when you only see your face

and the race seems longer

when there’s no one

to mark your place

I cut it loose before the world

I reveal what I am

but they don’t understand

they don’t appreciate

words borne of desperation and time

it’s just another newbie rhyme

scream into an empty horizon

and hope someone hears

because I just don’t know what to do

with all these tears

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Sixteen: Crying On The Couch Because Aspergers Holds Me Back

WAMTAC

Head throbbing

stories in my head keep reoccurring

waking up is always a struggle

because life is a tussle

between anxiety and responsibility

desire and mental makeup

consistency and wish for a shake up

family, coworkers, strangers

they’re all the same

they don’t see the wave, they don’t know the pain

but they never could

and I don’t wish they would

the wave is silent, and it swallows

the water is deep, and I wallow

“drowning the tears of this Aspergian rain”

I once said, and say again

the silence drives me insane

past people I love, towards people I hate

past things I’d never emulate, yet do everyday

white as the winter, black as the summer

I stand out among the crowd

hoping not to be seen

keeping low, not to make a sound

narrow as her waist, straight as her hair

I’m to anxious to join you

and I won’t go anywhere

the jet black crow mocks my days

and I hurl stones at him

get out of my way

but I am the crow

you are the stone

I tell myself I’m okay

into your hands I play

only to be cast aside at the light of day

through self-depreciation

I raise you up

and I lower the white flag

at your approval

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Fifteen: My Anxiety Electrocutes Me In Ways Most Doctors Can’t Explain

nano

When aspergians talk about their anxiety, it goes FAR beyond the general “oh yeah, I feel anxious”. There’s anxious, like when you have to present a proposal in front of a board, and then there’s the autistic anxious. It is a deeper, more emotionally affecting happening. My anxiety isn’t just a tightness I get in my stomach, like after eating something from a bad take out place. No, it actually hurts. And mine doesn’t just hurt, it burns. It sounds crazy, but it’s unlike any sensation I ever have (and probably ever will) experience. It’s why I try so hard to avoid things that make me anxious, because nobody likes to get shocked, right? If YOU are on the spectrum, I want you to tell me in the comments below what your anxiety feels like.

 

Dark clouds

fill a silent soul

a light rain

keeps sight close

and the heart beats

to the tune it’s always known

no difference

no change

just the same thing again

and again

others pester

my life seems so bland

why my own family

says I’m not fun to be around

I have no friends

I have no social life

I have nothing but words

from the deepest night

and then I hear the sound

an electrical hum down my back

faster than copper wheels

on a railway track

it makes me fall back

my voice flat

once again,

I’ve fallen into the trap

and I’m almost home

but don’t wake me up

this is the safest place

I’ve ever known

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Fourteen: I Joined A (very meh) Aspergers Dating Site

a_northern_light_cover

Hey everyone, I’m back!

Over the last couple days, encouraged by talking with Beth from A Mile In My Shoes, I decided to join an Aspergers dating site. I’m a terrible match for all the neurotypical females I know (and if you disagree, chances are you’ve never met me),  so I figured why not try my hand at females like me.

I joined aspie-singles.com, and was actually quite excited, until I found out how few people are actually on the site. Just 803 right now (800 when I joined), and I’ve yet to see a female online. The most active members are all male. Safe to say, I’m disappointed so far. I hoped this would be my answer, but so far it looks to be another waste of time.

*heavy sigh*

Worse yet, I searched for females and got a very shocking number: 152. And the females in my age range? Too few to name. And worse yet, their accounts haven’t even been touched. This website, as I’m seeing, is not very popular, and the websites that actually have a real pool of people require you to be 18 to join. I guess I’ll have to wait a couple months before I get serious…*another heavy sigh*

To better my chances, I’ll look at some other sites…which brings up another thing, there aren’t a whole lot. I mean, I could join a regular dating site, but then that’s just like what I’m doing now in my daily life, only worse because it’s behind a computer screen.

In the meantime, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. Nothing, basically, because it’s going to be nearly impossible to find anyone because I’m too reserved for my own good. And the ones I do actually like don’t live anywhere close to me. *another heavy sigh*

Good news from this week? I take the GED tomorrow and I’m getting published again on Spill Words.