My Poetry Is

 

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My poetry

is long awaited sunset

on a lover’s winter night

My poetry

is a flashlight on the entrails

of the horror film called Life

My poetry

is a camera

on the heart of Titanic

Beautiful

but tormented

Acclaimed

and cursed

My poetry

is an anchor

and a mast

a tsunami

and a covenant

conviction

from the conflicted

moaning

behind near perfect diction

My poetry

is the other side of the railway tracks

The backside

catching all the jack

Telling my truth

emasculates me

to that of a bee

giving little

but losing all

so you might avoid

where I’ve stumbled

and crawled

My poetry may be autistic

from hands suddenly active

but the lips are rigid

and mind narrow

My poetry may be saddening

inspirational

or nothing to you at all

but it’s my lifeline

brink

brink

breaking

that’s my heart aching

and another poem

that needs your saving

 

 

 

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Sick Of The Autistic

I’m just sick

of the autistic

genius are some

interesting are none

ruining my world

causing my advances

to become undone

stimming is gross

do it somewhere else

pleasing yourself

to lower anxiety

you have less than none

in sympathy from me

you broken and breaking

mentally divergent fool

no program or grant

could ever amount

to the reality that you can’t

compete with me

don’t lie to me

they say be anything

but you’re nothing but a nuisance

to us

don’t fuss

just jump

and return to us our peace

who cares about your broken pieces

I’d taste just as sweet

if you weren’t analyzing so much

cut and bleed

stoop and scream

die and dream

you’ll never make it on your own

don’t try to be a hero

and why be a slave

when you can be a fraud

The Autistic Man

WAMTAC

No one considers

The plight of man

The autistic man

Cunning but curious

At the things he must do

To feel such emotion

Power and powerlessness

In the palm on control

He never knew

We grow up as outcasts

Because we don’t know

How to play

Special interests dominate

What we think, do

And say

Selfish we must be

To put out of our minds

Everything

Except for this magical thing

We cannot seem

To do without

Our posture is funny

As is our fashion sense

The way we hold our hands

Or stare into the crowds

 

We may be silent

But in ignorance of our presence

Breaking normality

We speak loud

Growing up takes a toll

No friends in school

Or very, very few

Unable to be ourselves

Or else attacked

By you

Who don’t recognize

The beauty

In neurological difference

The possibility

With our magic

Exponentially endless

But we keep it locked away

Hoping to survive

Another day

Before you discover us

And the mask

Is stripped away

Love is equally understood

But not in finding another

Who thinks the same

Frightened by bare honesty

Ashamed by difference

And brain washed by culture

That they need a strong

Muscular

Out going man

They ignore us

Laugh at our advances

I see these things

And know them

Because I lived them too

I will never be accepted

By the majority of you

Consider the plight

Of the autistic man

And ask yourself

If all there is to one

Is what you see

How can you ever accept

The infinity

That will set all beings fee

I don’t know what the world

Will to do us

I don’t know if you will ever

Have what we want

But through this poem

Being read by you

No longer can you say

I never knew

Lies Swirl Down Your Throat

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I don’t ever take credit

for what I do

I won’t ever take credit

for what I’ve done

I’m just a sinner like you

under the eyes of a watchful sun

broken and bewildered

I claw at every day

one day I’ll break the ribbon

one day, when I find my way

compliments can fall

for hours they may laud

but as long as I’m true to myself

I’m free from it all

Stares don’t ignite

anxious flames alight

foul tempers run amuck

but in carefully placed glances are stuck

because I’m not who I was

this time last month

so kiss that bottle

and let the lies swirl down your throat

because they choke at my indignation

in the rear view goes their exclamation

I feel free from the weight

and they can never hold me down

because while I feel alone

my friends aren’t far now

when the reign is on a rout

stillness comes on a single cloud

and confidence is restored

hear me loud

 

This Is For The Aspies

 

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(As of now, this is my favorite poem I’ve EVER written)

This is for the aspies

Locked way in their rooms

Drawing, writing, reading, singing

Trying to fight off the anxious meltdown

Sure to come soon

This is for the aspies

That couldn’t get homeschooled

And had to suffer in public school

I cant imagine what that was like

And if you got through, thank you, but it’s not right

This is for the aspies

Who wear the same outfit everyday

And flap their hands when excited

I see the stutters, stares, and stumbles

And I love it

Because this is for the aspies

That don’t get the recognition they deserve

I’ve seen the hands and heard the tongues that produce beautiful words

Works of science, art, and math

Or maybe something simple like just making their own path

This is for the aspies

You never see, but always find

Too anxious, too shy to notice the time

They’re there, but won’t trust

Their own voice

This is for the aspies

The ones that can’t find love

Or don’t know what to do with it

You’re amazing no matter what they say

No matter

This is for the aspies

I’m crying for you, I love hearing you

Because my own home is yours

Connected and tired of the correction

Your home is mine

This is for the aspies

Broken but not without fight

Or riding free, with everything going right

This is gospel for us all

Don’t let the outside take our life

Life on the Gluten free/Casein free diet, Weekend Worries (CHIEFS FOOTBALL IS BACK)

Thursday, September 7th

8:42 am

Since starting the diet on Tuesday, I’ve felt pretty good about myself. Working around donuts, sandwiches, and seemingly all the pastries in the world will not be easy today. Although the bakery across from our stand does have gluten free options, I don’t work for them, so I don’t get them at a discount. Anyhow, the first few hours will feel like torture. I like to nibble on our apple fritter bites in between customers and on my lunch break, so saying no will take considerable fortitude.

Honestly, though, I feel like once work is over, I’ll be okay. The benefit to not being big on eating out is that I won’t be constantly surrounded by foods I can’t eat. Also, I still kinda get my way because chicken is okay. Just not breaded chicken. Or chicken with a lot of sauce.

9:41

Damn it. Made it to work, and I’m reconsidering the ease of this. Gotta stare at donuts until four. Gotta smell sandwiches until four. Gotta watch people eat delicious, gluten laden food until four. Sigh. Hopefully I can make it till my lunch break, and I might grab…some…something.

2:38pm

Whoo. So far, so good. The first forty five minutes or so were utter torture, but after that the desire basically just dissapeared. At least until one my customers came up and started chatting about pretzel dogs. Anyhow, I’m starving. Just a few more hours to go, and I’ll be out of here.

4:27pm

Forget it. I gave in and got myself an eggplant wrap. (I went the whole day without eating one donut, though. So, progress?) It’s so delicious to eat, but I feel kinda bad giving in this early. My head started buzzing right before I left, so that might be what they call withdrawal. Anyhow, I’m going to enjoy this food during tonight’s game. After seven long months, I’m super excited to see my boys in action. Hopefully, unlike the last time I saw them play, we emerge victorious.

Friday, September 8th

8:22am

I didn’t even eat the wrap I got last night. I gained a slightly uncharacteristic urge of strength and decided to keep my streak strong. Working again today, but since we’re far busier on Friday than Thursday, I’ll have an added distraction.

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9:22am

THE CHIEFS WON. Beat the living —- out of the Patriots defense, putting up over five hundred yards, including two touchdown passes from Alex Smith of 75 and 78 (to rookie back Kareem Hunt and WR Tyreek Hill, respectively). Vegas had us as nine point underdogs, so it made perfect sense for us to beat the defending champs at their house 42-27. We got three fourth quarter sacks, two of which came on one drive courtesy Justin Houston. We had 14 penalties, so it wasn’t perfect. Eric Berry also might have torn his achilles (crying) so last night wasn’t all cheers. I feel bad for him, because he was playing so well. We’ve got ten days before our next game against Philly, so I’m praying the MRI comes back negative. People are laughing at me on Facebook because I posted “Patriots about to pull away, good game Chiefs” back in the second quarter, when we got down 17-7. Safe to say I didn’t even expect my boys to win.

2:11pm

Still going strong. It’s really, really hard to resist the urge, especially considering its staring me right in the face. Eating some wings on my lunch break.

4:34pm

Today did not provide the rush I anticipated asb distraction, but it didn’t matter. My head is throbbing, and everything hurts more than usual.

Saturday-Today, 5:15

Not eating bread and sugar has been made fairly easy thanks to my homebody personality. If it’s not in the house, there’s little chance I’m going to run across it. Eating pumpkin and flax seeds (recommended diet foods) has really cleared up my head, and my headaches even stopped. If you read my post last night, you’d know how closely linked stomach issues and autism are, and since going on my diet, my lower body feels better than ever! The aches and pains are starting to go away, and constipation is nonexistent. I’m also not as tired as usual, which I was having a problem with over the last couple months (I nearly overslept on my lunch break a couple times). I am craving pizza like hell, but there’s no gluten free pizza places nearby. Listening to “Jet Pack Blues” while I write this…..

 

The Cure (?)For Autism, Part Two

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Speaking of the inside, that brings me to the point of this article. I titled this “The Cure For Autism” because I have it. I’ve spent a lot of time on this blog talking about the affects of Aspergers on me, and how I go about modifying my life to balance both my internal needs and those of the people around me. People say that autism is incurable, because it’s not a disease or something of that ilk. However, I believe that there is something that can greatly reduce, if not eradicate, the effects of autism. It’s a four letter word we use everyday.

Food.

Complex? Far from it. See, when we talk autism we immediately think of the brain, spinal cord, and nerves. Especially when regarding aspergers, since it is perceived to be a neurological disorder, do we assume that there’s something wrong with the brain. What scientists, autistics, and everyone in between fails to see is that our lower body is a mirror image of the upper regions. There is science out there that shows the similar the gut and the brain really are. The gut and the brain are connected, and when you alter one you alter the other.

A study released in the summer of ’15 showed that there was autism rates jumped 18% in children of teenage mothers. “This hasn’t really been seen before, and we can’t really explain it,” says Brian Lee, an associate professor of epidemiology and biostatistics at Drexel University and a research fellow at the A.J. Drexel Autism Institute. He hypothesized that it may have to had to do with sub-optimal pregancies and health care, but what if has to do with the poor food choices made by teenagers in America today?

Reading on “Food For The Brain”, I found these key pieces of information in the fight for autism clarity:

“Deficiencies in essential fats are common in people with autism. Research by Dr Gordon Bell at Stirling University has shown that some autistic children have an enzymatic defect that removes essential fats from brain cell membranes more quickly than it should. This means that an autistic child is likely to need a higher intake of essential fats than the average. And it has been found that supplementing EPA, which can slow the activity of the defective enzyme, has clinically improved behavior, mood, imagination, spontaneous speech, sleep patterns and focus of autistic children.”

“There is much overlap between ADH/hyperactivity and autism, so for autistic children who show signs of hyperactivity, improving blood sugar balance is a must.”

“Dietary studies consistently reveal that hyperactive children eat more sugar than other children4. Other research has confirmed that the problem is not sugar itself but the forms it comes in, the absence of a well-balanced diet overall, and abnormal glucose metabolism. A study of 265 hyperactive children found that more than three-quarters of them displayed abnormal glucose tolerance, – that is, their bodies were less able to handle sugar intake and maintain balanced blood sugar levels.”

“In any case, when a child is regularly snacking on refined carbohydrates, sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks, juices and little or no fibre to slow the glucose absorption, the levels of glucose in their blood will seesaw continually and trigger wild fluctuations in their levels of activity, concentration, focus and behaviour-. These, of course, will not help any child’s brain function.”

“Paediatrician Mary Megson from Richmond, Virginia, believes that many autistic children are lacking in vitamin A. Otherwise known as retinol, vitamin A is essential for vision. It is also vital for building healthy cells in the gut and brain.”

“The best sources of vitamin A are breast milk, organ meats, milk fat, fish and cod liver oil, none of which are prevalent in our diets. Instead, we have formula milk, fortified food and multivitamins, many of which contain altered forms of retinol such as retinyl palmitate, which doesn’t work as well as the fish or animal-derived retinol. Megson began speculating what might happen if these children weren’t getting enough natural vitamin A12.”

“She realised that not only would this affect the integrity of the digestive tract, potentially leading to allergies. It would also affect the development of their brains, and disturb their vision. Both brain differences and visual defects have been detected in autistic children. The visual defects, Megson deduced, were an important clue because lack of vitamin A would mean poor black and white vision, a symptom often seen in the relatives of autistic children. If you can’t see black and white, you can’t see shadows. And without that you lose the ability to perceive three-dimensionality. This in turn leaves you less able to make sense of people’s expressions, which could explain why some autistic children tend not to look straight at you. They look at you sideways. Long thought to be a sign of poor socialisation, this sideways technique may in fact be the best way for them to see people’s expressions, because there are more black and white light receptors at the edge of the visual field than in the middle.”

This research is ASTOUNDING because it explains so much of what plagues those on the autism spectrum. Here we are, putting our heads in the sand believing that there’s nothing we can do for autistics, when in fact the very cure is right in front of us.

Take it from me, someone who works at a donut and coffee shop and whose favorite foods just happen to be the worst foods for me. It will be hard for me to give up things like donuts and pizza, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t give so my limitations could be breached. I’ve read the stories and heard the struggles. They can end, right here, right now.

Drastic reductions of symptoms are possible, IF we change our lifestyles. These changes are not easily undertaken, but gradual reductions of things like gluten, casein, and artificial sugars can change the lives of autistics across the world.

Starting today, I’m going to change my diet. The process will be gradual, but I will document each day. I’ll record how I’m feeling and thinking. I believe that if I have the ability to make myself better, why ignore it?

Maybe I’ll even encourage my fellow autistic bloggers to do the same.

The Cure (?) For Autism, Part One

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I’ve lived eighteen years on this wonderful planet, but only in the last five have I known I was on the autism spectrum. I barely knew anything about the condition except for that people who had it were not treated kindly, there was an organization that supposedly strives to raise awareness, and they are often very smart. My own personal story has made me reconsider much of what I thought about autism and how I respond to what people say about us in the news. I used to think that if someone changed their opinion too much, they couldn’t make up their minds.

 

Now I know it’s essential, when gaining new knowledge and insight, to always be changing. You cannot gain and stay the same. At least I couldn’t.

The last five years of my life have easily been the best. I needed a window out of my confusing and easily angered childhood, but early on my Aspergers diagnosis only made me angrier. I hated this weird sounding name that made me feel more obvious than I already knew I was. What I needed was an example. I wanted to find someone, anyone, out there that was succeeding. If they could, in spite of our numerous limitations, then I could too. That’s when I discovered John Elder Robinson. I read his books, and more importantly than the information I gained, my entirely different outlook on my new life.

I wasn’t just the angry, confused, autistic kid.

I was the weird, informed, confident (and somewhat arrogant) autistic kid.

Over this time, my life has changed drastically. Some ways were obvious, like my need for music. I spend a great part of my life just listening to it, and I feel stronger when I do. The silence (without being silent) is immensely therapeutic, and I thrive when I have this balance. I’ve also gotten outside more often. Not only did my job require it, but I’ve felt the desire to get outside and, yes, even be around people. Contrary to the garbage that comes from Autism Speaks (among others), people with aspergers don’t mind being around people. In my individual case, it’s how many for how long. Being around two or three people for a couple hours is totally cool with me. Surround me twenty people for less time (funny, huh?) and I’m a disaster on the inside.

(The second, and most critical, part of this piece will feature tomorrow night. I hate to be so blunt with the ending but I wasn’t sure how to end)

Silence Heals My Insane

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There’s a silence

That heals the insane

The wild, racing part of me

Never kept in check

By a voracious heartbeat

Dying to love you more

But hiding it all in life

Manic meltdowns

Leading to tear soaked pages

And curses uttered

From bottomless agony

Never meant to harm

But to release me

From the grapple of

The darkness

I still somehow

Can’t escape

 

The Arrogance I Shine

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bent and broken

my face the token

of your socialite policy

fears and flames awoken

by the silent shaming

of ears pricked up

hairs peeled back

when I make a statement

misinterpret a joke

the costume falls flat

and now I’m forced to reconcile

into the life and love I never had

it was plain to see

but it took them to crucify my heart

betrayed by a suicidal mind

to see the reality

I had ignored for so much time

they don’t care for me

they’re not the friends for me

don’t understand me

can’t reprimand me

because I do the same thing

everyday

because I don’t care about a thing

everyday

while you sit around waiting for me to change

oh hey

I’m insane

the arrogance I shine

tans you like an ultraviolet ray

I don’t think about what I say

because I really was born this way

I take no for an answer

because I’ll say yes to myself

I dish it because I can take it

look at the hand the devil’s dealt

feel the welts

no, they’re on the inside

feel the shockwaves

they flow every time

you start speaking

I start leaking

every ounce of content

until I’m bursting with anger

and all darkness

ceases with one final dagger

to the soul

now silent again