The Lonely Sign

IMG_0041

Cross my heart

You’ll never live

To see me die

Fooled me once

Now tricked me twice

I can’t do much less

Than trust my eyes

In the face

Of the things I do

We can see

How close time is

To finishing you

And don’t mind me

I’m not far behind

Taste the rain, dance in the shadows

Barrels align

On a dime

My head stands behind

The lonely sign

Advertisements

Between The Lines

In between the lines

you can find who I really am

the love, the hate

I’m standing at second base

my face, my place

I’m still learning how to run this race

the joy, the shame

I’d give anything to try that date again

because in between these lines

is a long list of crime

among long lost time

my condition is completely benign

but the weight is a suicide assignment

no eye contact, no social outwardness

in a society run by extroverts

guys and their prowess run me over

girls and my expectations run me down

I really don’t fit anywhere

and I’m not going anywhere

I wish I could talk to you

I wish I could understand you

I wish I didn’t make you freak out

but that’s not my reality

so people don’t want to be apart of it

Reaching The End Of The Line

Everybody knows

What a lie you’ve become

Everybody knows

The truth you’ve undone

through the shots in the dark

you’ve ripped a hole in their hearts

through the lies in the days

you’ve started the meter on their beds

Everybody knows

you’ve given your life for theirs

Everybody knows

God is counting hairs

of your head, toying with the lead

in the gun he holds steadfast

of those present and past

you’ve spent so much time spilling on sheets

you’ve missed the girl of your dreams

and everybody knows

you’ve turned your wretched spine to the son

you’ve made the path of darkness your home

so cry your bitter tears, cry till you impregnate the earth

she will be your bitch, yours alone

everybody knows

you’re just a shame

everybody knows

it’s in your name

it’s riding behind you in the fast lane

can’t take a trip, cop a plane

insane, ingrained

I’m so tired of running

I’ll make myself lame

just to end the race

Nothing Worth Your Affection

inside these walls

trembling words stir in the depths

burgeoning, recovering

to show the world their best

inside these walls

the laughter echoes through halls

of stone and skulls, failed attempts

by those too kind to leave me

and ignorant to be left

inside these walls I close my eyes

and pray to the ceiling

I need strength

just one more day

because inside these walls

I am in oblivious peace

but I cannot stay here forever

so the masked man comes out

and the timid soul remains barren

hoping the shadows will bring me love

or her disappointment

I am nothing worthy of a woman’s affection

The Phoenix In Me

As an aspie, I needed my freedom

just as the wind comes and goes

I needed to be alone

So I discouraged them from seeing me

and shut myself into the closet

I wrote and prayed and ate and slept

but I never felt myself falling out

and away from life

I wrote of dreams I wished to have

I prayed for things I already had

I ate what I slept in

I slept in because I ate

Time withered away like my strength

to face the crowds, my enemy

my old friend, right beside me

and my father, belittling me

I curl up and listen to FOB

to drown out the noise

but listening to what everyone else thought of me

I lost my voice

and what you read everyday

is the beginning

of what I’ve rediscovered

Beauty, Breaking, and Choosing

Paint me a picture

of what tomorrow has to offer

children rejected at distant borders

young wives lose budding husbands

to filthy coffins

paint me a picture with the blood

of aborted fetus

paint me a picture with the anger

of disbelievers

in the White House

where Trump says any and everything

paint me a picture with their tears

screaming, shouting for their voice to be heard

dear child, he cannot hear you

not us, not today

our world is cast into the fray

nuclear weapons are too easy a choice

but who cares for the average Joe?

how much does his voice cost?

what about his vote?

paint me a picture with the sins of blacks

and law enforcement

intertwined in a death game of the ages

breaking and being broken

Eric Garner was another token

and we all bought the lie with his dead body

how long will it go on

why is it the autistic that rallies you to the call

I’ve got enough of my own problems

my own pitfalls to maneuver

but I paint you this picture

riveting roulette of reckless

humans are so capable of beauty

humans are so capable of breaking

humans are so capable of choosing

what will you do

My Impossible Year

I’ve lost all hope

in humanity

because I’ve lost all hope

in me

I’m weaker than the dust

lost to the winds of the poorest farmer

I’m filthier than the eyes of the thief

always looking over his back

I’m the Katrina

to your poorly constructed soul

And the Trump

to your easily distracted mind

I can’t control myself

and alone, myself can’t control what I feel

I’m bleeding, soul sister

and my hearts too easily peeled

they see the sins, they see the tragedy

each breath I take

draws me closer to finality

and each step forwards

drags me backwards from reality

I’m standing in the rain

but I’m not cleansed

I’m standing in the open

but not worthy of assassination

I’m a drag on all of you

too loud to be ignored

but too useless to be near

I’ve lived yet another

impossible year

To Envy The Butterfly

Free me from the shackles

That’s my only wish tonight

Let the lightning strike these bonds

and let me feel the sunlight

Guilt and misery upending my heart

Desire to cure this wretched brain tears me apart

I wish I didn’t love you

I wish I didn’t see you

then I would’ve never known

I bleed when I’m without

but my life begins to turn around

but my brain needs to cure the throb

so my future gets robbed again and again

I’m swimming in my own creation

and all I can see is the valley floor

the blue sky is no more

the voice of reason is choked beyond relief

it’s just me, baby

me and my broken feet

me and my haunted dreams

poetry is what you see

but the tears stay this side of the screen

I’m jealous of the butterfly

her freedom is my envy

I’m jealous of the thunderstorm

the finality of her thunder

could be within me

every time I hear my name

I die a little inside

the menial joy, the everlasting pain

I wish I didn’t love you

but here I am listening

listening to you again

 

Am I Just Fucked?

I don’t have anxiety

I become afraid when you’ve caught me in sin

I can stare you in the eye

I do it to your girls every night

I can hold a conversation

because the people I watch most don’t speak

I don’t gain weight

I lose my strength with every release

I don’t pray

My hands are always clasped together

when you’re not looking

when you are

I just need to do it quick, just one more time

look how far I’ve fallen

I lay with the vagabonds

and call them father

I grope the rank, stretched pussies of whores

at least, in my mind

for a night

multiplied by eleven years

I’ve forgotten hope and horror

faith and fear

just let me gaze your naked scars

that’s all I want for Christmas this year

I don’t need a real woman

I just need a link

I don’t need a real relationship

I just need to dream

I’ve become something far more terrible

than anyone ever thought I was

I’ve shunned every hope of a lover

SF, TL, look what I’ve done

do I have Aspergers

or am I just fucked?

Morning Glory

today is tomorrow’s

yesterday

the circularity

is the amazing

yet the intricate differences

are what make it so intriguing

you may find the same thing

but never the same place

or time

morning glory

becomes evening dread

what will I wake to

if anything, again?