Tag Archives: anger

I’m Sorry You Birthed An Autistic

WAMTAC

I’ve been called a lot of names during my years

jerk offs with egg heads for avatars

who never knew my wishes or fears

they didn’t care what I needed, or how I felt

just about the life they had been so unfortunately dealt

I’m so sorry you birthed an autistic

this isn’t the dream you wanted

but the drugs your partner did years ago

now have you haunted

I’m so sorry you have to live with an autistic

it makes you look bad, I’m sure

hand flapping and foot stomping certainly detracts

from your fake bravado and made-up demure

I’m so sorry you have to be seen with an autistic

you don’t look so cool now

when the person beside you covers his ears

at loud sounds

I’ve spent years feeling sorry

for people who care nothing about who I am

just a cute word they can use to impress friends

when chance shakes hands with a plan

just something to make dad feel ashamed about

for not noticing earlier, even though you yourself

no nothing about

my condition is a roadblock in your normal lifestyle

and you’ve cussed me out for planning things out

which, surprise

takes me a little longer while

but it’s okay, don’t worry you

I just keep it all inside

you say you had a hard day

if only you knew

invisible mountains mount heavy costs

until the heart struggles to beat

and the spirit finally declares she’s lost

slowly soul husband carries lifeless vessel

to rowboat tied to a dock

and under his arms he nestles her bosoms

and cries long into the night

the mermaids are bitter, hearing a song

more melancholy than theirs

and fish swim upside down in sadness

while the octopus is surprised

at the depths the chorus finds him there

when strength is breached

and the bridge does sleep

on ears run aground

only then does the struggle of a poet

become exponentially profound

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post One: It’s Not Enough To Be “Aware”, you MUST be “Active”

 

For those of you that didn’t know, April is Autism Awareness Month.

In spite of that, you won’t find any puzzle pieces on my blog.

“But Devereaux, you have Aspergers! You’re ON the spectrum. How could you?”

Easy answer: the puzzle piece is, to me, a derogatory symbol. Associating those on the autism spectrum with the puzzle piece assumes it’s US that are the weak links, it’s US that need rearranging, and it’s US that need fixing. On the contrary, it is non-accommodating neuorotypicals that break the chain, it is they that need rearranging, and it is they who need to be fixed. We are normal, functional human beings and if there’s anyone that needs to get their eyesight checked, it’s everyone BUT us.

Tonight’s post is a poem I wrote about acceptance of those on the spectrum, but a piece specifically about my stance against the puzzle piece is in the works.

Enjoy!

Silent breathing

on keys so cold

walking on long thought rhymes

until the night gets old

clean up my mind

and throw out the trash

adding words, but subtracting pages

damn why am I so rash?

putting pen to paper

and then paper over paper

as I delve deeper

into the autistic layers

and no, I’m not doing anyone a favor

but giving you truth and honesty

so that hopefully you’ll join us

and follow me

on my Aspergian path

while I have my moments

I rarely make you laugh

I’m not a fan of humor, to be quite frank

because something as simple as the difference

in thinking

has put me at the lowest rank

of the social totem pole

made me an outcast

and target of any and every Internet troll

these words are dangerous

for they are the seal of my rebellion

and the sword I use

and may be used against this felon

so into the night

I will run

hiding out amongst feverish doubt

until the summer sun

and all my people, those like me

have finally

won

(Note: If you have a post/poem regarding Autism/Aspergers that you’d like to share, email/tweet me and I’ll be glad to post it. For this month only, because, it’s not enough to be aware, you must be active, and sharing is a great way to do that)

Just Bring My Anna Back

a_northern_light_cover

You were riveted in delicious greed

to see her pale green eyes look your way

but quaking when another caught her sight

I was shorter, fatter

and much less attractive

but we fought the same fight

so she floated past you

and took my hand

our veins overdosed on the same light

anger overtook feeble continuity

and shattered your glass

while the other gents, at your immaturity, gave a hearty laugh

eight months later, I gave my heart

she gave her hand

and into the unknown we ran

but you never gave up

never gave up the taste

and someone else’s love you decided to chase

one night

dreams full of doubt

the flame went out

she did nothing to you

and is nothing for you

but your courage is weak

and intelligence you lack

snow on the tracks

and blood on the path

just please bring

my Anna back

 

Fifty Shades Darker Than Dakota’s Dreams

zerozero

Through the shades

of my words

you see the pain

You feel hurt, you feel soaked

in the wake of fear and shame

An acidic rain

of biblical proportions

when I cannot live as you expect me to

so I go through the motions

just to impress you

but I hurt me

every time I put on the smile

I choke this soul

with every extra mile

walked to satisfy your needs

and from the struggle I bleed

and apparent weakness you see

but it’s not because of me

and it never was

I used to want you to accept me

and so I did anything

that would seem to dignify my presence

but after being let down

and diminishing my value

I’ve learned my lesson

Nobody cares about us

until we do something great

but by then, we’re probably dead

the feeling of being alone

isolated from fellow human beings

To depression, and far worse,

we’re led

and no matter what we say

or what we do

we’ll never matter

never matter to you

Shake me down

search my soul

but I’m carrying nothing

but a bad attitude

and hate crimes towards the belligerent

and inconsiderate towards autistics

I Take Your Equality And Stick It Where The Sun Doesn’t Shine

aspie

 I don’t believe you

and it’s not hard to see why

You all claim to be inclusive

but judging by your treatment of us in the classroom

it’s clear that’s another of your lies

Failing to teach to the strengths of all your students

you lose ones that struggle with forty peers

so nine to three becomes useless

and the threats on the stalls add to their fears

And how about friendships?

You’d rather have ten see-through, silicon barbie dolls

than two that tell you that the makeup isn’t helping

You’d rather rub your ego between the ears

and distance the one who really cares

but doesn’t show it

and gets left home the day of the fair

And the adults? You guys are full of sick shit

Date our girls just because they’re disabled

and capable of frisky things in bed

Curse your life, curse your genitals

and I hope you never wed

And some never get that chance

because they’re too emotional

too easily cracked

and in sensuality they might lack

but in common sense and honesty

they’re overflowing, along with creativity

and that’s damn good enough for me

The workplace isn’t any better than the previous two

and people are quick to turn on you

if you don’t “play the game”

We don’t play games, we don’t tell “little white lies”

(Lies aren’t tangible objects, so they have no color)

We are honest, we are direct

We’re to the point

A blank check

Our bluntness hurts

your tiny worlds of useless chatter

and IQ-lowering small talk

I wish it were small,

and didn’t go on for hours the way it does

when I don’t just get up and leave

And you can believe

that we’re just “rude”

along with the idea

that we’re always in a bad mood

Just another page in the trilogy

of these neurotypical crooks

 

 

 

Purging The Disdain Of Disability and Disorder, Even If I Die

 

 burning-tree

Burn the people who hate you

burn them all

Their homes are dens of witches

Cut them off

Their children are the offspring of robots

Mangle every wire

Force fed through tyranny

lies, manipulations, and coagulation

of non-stop greed

but with fire and will

our people, hiding in the midst of crusades

will be freed

Burn the books

that say we are not good enough

The words are poison from vipers

united to drown out our sounds

Their institutions are whore houses

where big bosses come to play

We are children, we are adults

and we can live just as you claim “life” should be

In the dark they will be drowned

They don’t know what we do in the dark

the blueprint is just being laid

They don’t know what we say in the dark

with the muses we communicate

But in time, when the clock strikes three

we unleash war and lighting quick fatality

to your rules, to your ways

to “here’s what you should do on this day” and

“you can only join us if you act this way”

Life is for all

not just those who look you in the eye

not just those

who stay up all night

not just those

who have a different girl every day

Not just those

who always knew how to play

If I die tonight,

then let these words guide you

If I die tonight,

let their expectations

be their condemnation

If I die tonight,

be rigid, be painfully honest

It breaks up their small talk,

and destroys their chatter

If I die tonight,

write your book

your poem

Discover

the next planet

or Universe

Compose

the next masterpiece

Sing until they box your ears

Be your autistic, aspergian, rigid, socially struggling,

bad handshake giving, party pooper self

because to be you

is the greatest gift

and the deepest wound

they cannot heal

 

Just Because It Was Bad Doesn’t Mean It Wasn’t Beneficial

\

zerozero

 

Old songs

traverse paths so long

Long ago, seeming to be the best way

they robbed you blind

stabbed you in the heart

drank the blood

and took everything but your life away

You gotta live with more

than battle wounds

and traces of war paint

You have to live

with real wounds, too deep to relay

real holes in this breakable skin

Maybe the rape was a punishment for your sin

or maybe that’s what the therapist wanted you to believe

Stupid white jacket and fancy car

she’ll go home, pretty and happy

and plenty of money in her ceramic jar

It’s easy to show the way

from a castle on a mound

but harder when you actually live the life

and everyday is spent retreating from the battleground

Life kicks your ass

nine times out of ten

then sends out scouts

just in case you didn’t get the lesson

“Oh, you’re doing fine, just keep believing!”

Easy for you to say, it’s not your arm that’s under this knife

bleeding

People are hilarious, just comical

thinking a pill, or a diet, or exercise

will cure the ill

“People with aspergers just need more practice around people”

The fuck?

Did your clearly non-existent brain get run over

by a twenty-two ton freight truck?

You can’t practice

late night shivers or midday fears

of a birthday party

or get-together

that’s unfortunately so near

You can’t prepare

for anxiety

despite speaking politely

and wearing nice clothes

they make fun of you

because “playing the game”, you just don’t know

People who seem to have all the answers

are the furthest from the problem

and when shit hits the fan

mysteriously, you can never call them

They don’t have the balls

to live in the midst of raging, internal fear

They don’t have the guts

to swallow anxiety, and play nicely

day after day, for seventeen years

I’ve left people behind

Not because of hate, but I just don’t have the kind

of mind to hide my weakness

Be the Charming

to your Cinderella?

You’d find my social graces alarming

and in a crowd, I’m speechless

Folie et deux

you, my heart and you, my head

Every step

I dread

 

Hey Dad, (Not That You Actually Care, But..)Changing Routines Hurts Aspergians…

nano

Well, my Dad has officially given up on this family. He hasn’t talked to us in days, and won’t return texts, emails, or calls. Considering his past of abuse, neglect, adultery, drug addiction, and fraud it’s the least of surprises. Still, no child should EVER have to wake to the realization that their dad doesn’t care about them anymore. I mean, it’s awful. Even though I’ve seen him walk out multiple times, it doesn’t change the fact that each one hurts. He doesn’t care (he’s a narcissist), but that doesn’t mean everyone else isn’t affected.

I stopped being close to him when I was seven or eight, after he gave me a hernia and I started to realize the demon he actually was. After that, it was all defense for me as I uncovered secret after secret and lie after lie. I personally uncovered two of his girlfriends, and time at home was spent discovering bottles of alcohol, drugs, pornography (that’s where I got it from 😦 ), and letters saying that he owed the state money, along with turn off notices. All the while he kept up this façade that he was this perfect dad and we just ungrateful kids. He knew I was catching on, and I gained more and more confidence with every page turned. One day, I uncovered cigars, paraphernalia, and lighters in his backpack. I didn’t say anything, but noticed that every night he came home, the house smelled like smoke. What idiot smokes inside their home? This one did, and worse yet, he didn’t try to bathe or anything, so he wreaked all the time. Another time, he called out my mom for eating some chicken (she’s a vegetarian, but who the hell is perfect?) so rudely and callously that I went off on him. I had enough. He enjoyed picking with my mom and sister, and I love them to bits. I defend those close to me very dearly, and he learned that day. He never again trued to talk about them, at least not in front of me.

So why all this? Because I’m angry. Because once again he gets to do what he wants without any consequences. Because he can pick and choose when he wants to be a father. Because he’s gotten to abuse me and then pretend to be friends the next day, yet get mad at me when I call him on his past. Because I’m tired of some stranger coming in and out of my life who claims to be my dad. Because I’m tired of the DUI’s, speeding tickets, and text messages from random women. Why do I have to find this? Why did I have to be the one to find his porn, and then get addicted to it?

Running

at a loss for words

Symbols of coming pain

Thunderheads leading to acid rain

Never heeded

Concern? Never needed

Stabbed in the back

Blood smeared on the railway track

One eye blue, one eye black

While one devours life

getting fat off the toils of others

he forgets where he’s come

So-called friends place each other high on pedestals

but when the storm comes they look like fools

The bigger they are

the harder they fall

and I’ll be sure

to see of it

Hammer in one hand

Knife in the other

Don’t take a step, motherfucker

I can take so much

before I have to give

Do you really want to see

my raging arms cover the width

of bones and skulls?

That’s what I’ll do

for what you did

treated royals like dogs

And now I hunt

under the cover of fog

the alluded protection you thought you created

when you betrayed the one you dated

Children becomes princes

and princes become kings

when the sword crushes the heart

and the bell of the reaper rings

 

The Reality Regarding Negative Expectations And Emotively-Founded Bias Against Aspergians

md5

Don’t knock

I’ve already let you in

Being brutally honest

is my cardinal sin

Put on all the makeup in the world

I’ll still call you ugly

People laugh in hordes

and I still can’t find them funny

Complementing for a complement

is vain decadence

and dressing for someone you’ll probably dump

shows a lack of intelligence

Roses are red,

Violets are blue

Sugar leads to cancer

And, oh yeah, I hate you

Stupid expectations

and hilarious ignorance

“Aspergers is just an excuse for kids to be rude”

Why don’t you use some damn common sense?

When you’re ignorant, you excuse

and when you’re wrong

you change your views

Just admit that you don’t get it

And your PhD?

Worth a pile of shit

To those who live it

to those who own it

to those who hide it

and those not afraid to show it

Test after test, lecture after lecture

grant after grant, and law after law

Don’t you realize

that one isn’t like all?

Step away from your degree

and let me snatch away your glory

put you in a class of bullies

and see if you’re still holy

Here’s your homework: don’t go on the march

and instead play a more personable part

Sit down and talk to us

open up these hearts

UPSET ALERT: We’re not any different

than you

but how you treat us

is up to you

 

(Note: I’ve been unable to leave comments on way too many blogs recently. So, if you’ve barred me from commenting on your blog, or are having some technical issues, kindly letting me know would be greatly appreciated. My email is chiefssince09@gmail.com)

 

An Aspergian’s Letter To Old Friends

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If you’re an old friend (or if you’re not, but identify as one), then thank you for impacting my life in the time span we knew each other. If not, then read it as you normally would…also, my posts this month have been on the melancholy side. I’m trying to change that, but when I put my pen to paper I just get sad feelings. I’m feeling better after last week’s depressed state, but nothing “happy”. If  everyone leaves something (a word, a phrase, an image, whatever) positive in the comments, I could use that and turn it into a poem. Maybe that’ll help. In the meantime…

Chest burning

memories of the past keep occurring

I loved the way you laughed

I could listen to it all night

and like a comet you dashed

leaving me surprised

we used to talk everyday

but for some reason the message box got empty

and though I had plenty

more to say

I couldn’t muster the strength to ask

if you were okay

and is it okay

to drop off without saying why

I couldn’t do that to someone else

No, I wouldn’t even try

What did I say to you

Did you know what I never knew?

You played me for a fool

and now I’m begging you

for the truth

It haunts my days, keeps me sleepless at night

wondering if I did everything right

and am I right

to keep wondering

if you’re there

when you have no interest in me

I guess life isn’t fair

and I’ll pay my fare

but I want to get my money’s worth

don’t just leave me

like I have no worth

and it hurts

to be left alone

wondering what to say

when I pick up the phone

hoping not to say

whatever sent you on your way

Don’t forget me

that’s all I ask

from you,

Past