Feeling Human Again

IMG_1653.JPG
Police lights flash in my windows
Rain bears down on freshly cut grass
Paved streets glisten on this Sunday night
Sunday night
Where I play air soft for for hours with friends
Getting shot for fun is fun
Only it’s hella serious
And once you enter you can’t leave
At least that’s how I approach it
Caution mixed with reckless abandon
I’m the man of the arena, and I light it up
(Okay. I don’t. I get shot. A lot)
But quickening reflexes and endurance
Sweat stirs the insides of men
And I embrace the passion and persistence
It gets my mind off my failures for a little
Being too this, too shy to make true friends
Too introverted to become memorable
Too autistic to know if people really care
I can’t read anyone anywhere
But every pull of the trigger, I make it feel pain
The pain it brings me
And I let it loose
Even for a few hours
I feel like I’m human again
Advertisements

Back To The Drawing Board

Back to the drawing board

‘Ol drawing board

Where I pour out all my issues and emotions

One of the few things to which I show devotion

One line, two lines, ten lines, it’s quite a potion

Next moment I’ve lost track of three hours

They’re screaming at me three times louder

I can hear them from the basement shower

And echo from the hilltop tower

I can hear the raining in my head, and my eyes

Are like windows left open in the summer

The tears pour from the inside, paper not dry

Every single drop is a little wish of goodbye

Every single ruined page is another lie

That you discover

I’m not unlike any other

Fuck!

It hurts, the cyclones, hurricanes in my head

Beating the inside till I’m speechless and numb

But the fatal flaws are hardly awake but livid

And they seek out my innocence, want it dead

These words are a plea for help from it all

I can’t catch myself, so I just might fall

Overlooked

Masses

Of brown overlooked

Hopkins may be prestigious

But they dance around the concern

Our problems are a drive-thru for liberals

And a chum bucket for the right

We are royal but they worked us on farms

plantations, homes, ships

Jails now because we’re all politically correct

Marathon “standing up for black rights”

Is a luxury I cannot comprehend

The genesis of our revival

Will come with the stripping of titles

And time honored tradition

Universities must be swept clean

And reengineered with a purposeful dream

I don’t need you to donate money

Just your humanity

Wishing You A Happy Death Day

63 dreams for sale

Taking you east, and you can’t fail

Then do not enter

Waking up is no miracle

Only a frivolous curse

Come in, we’re open

Now where should we cut first

Grilling your everything, even what you’re not

You run around the earth, hoping it’ll stop

Highland is lowland for everyone not rich

Cut your schedules, shorten your days

Yet claim to appreciate, you little bitch

Community? Nobody thinks alike

And press hard enough, you’ll die

Art is a token of intelligence

But snorting condoms is a trend

So it’s no wonder we can’t ride or write

And hardly defend this country’s worth

You’ve heard it once, now hear it again

There’s nothing fabulous about ignorance

Don’t slam my instagram with your two cents

Kids die so the rich stay rich

Black people die cause they hate us anyway

Gays spawn laughs cause it’s 1949

Women, stay at home until you die

We’re so fucked up in every way

Sometimes I want someone

To wish us a happy death day

The Hunting Of The Black Man

Hunt me down

Till I hit the ground

I can hear the sound

Chains wrapped around

My wrists, ankles, thighs

Put a board around my neck

Admonish me for rest

And proclaim my endurance to be the best

Because of my muscles

And my back

But I am just as you

With the care and compassion that you lack

It is because I’m black

That you haunt my days

That you slash my face

And take my family away

My women subjected to rape

And children they never did take

To create a new life

Only tie them up and push them down

Into the river, hear the sounds

Of their tears, of their fears

Awash in the blood of the master

Who knows no fear

And you say God favors your skin

Killing us is his very whim

Black is your white stag

Today I’m forced to take up a sport

Because otherwise I’m queer

And those that are, they’re shoved afar

Because they’re all afraid to hear

What a young black woman

Or a young black man

Will say when you remove their fear

And let them see the strength they have inside

The whites die

The power structure cries

And their chains are lifted into the sky

Because I am your white stag

But I know the oceans that were crossed

And in the plantations we suffered loss

But today is a day to remember who we are

And forever will be

Everyone I Do This For

Sitting in the corner of my life

I’ve relegated myself to a timeout

I’m making bad decisions

I keep making bad decisions

Gaining yet losing

I just can’t get everything right

And why should I

I’m just human

But I know what I’m capable of

Frustrated when I fall

Shamed that I need to call for help

Walk on my own, I need no crutch

Climb out of the dungeon without a clutch

Just willpower through every hour

Spouting like a flower in the soil of sin

I lose all my beauty when I come up for air

Poisoned ground can’t nurture me

Wicked waters only stir my demons

Seduced by dreams when I breathe in

I love trying every position

New girl, new scene, it’s all the same to me

Tainted and tantalized by my reflection

I lose sight of what matters

Rather, who matters, and that’s all of you

Everyone I do this for

Without Words, Who Am I

I’m falling into wordless whispers

Rap and pop filled nights

Paint a picture behind these bridges

Behind the words of these writes

I’m angered, I’m restless

In the pursuit of the passion

For these words there is no detour

This endless highway I will forever traverse

In these words, they can’t get to me

Stand behind these bars like a criminal

Yet freed from their boring ways, so cyclical

Long eyelashes and red lips kiss my fingers

Rushing her vulva over my face, so ethereal

Taking me somewhere I never wanted to go

But was always meant to be

The songs of night are the voice calling to me

And I leave them on speed dial

When I’m pushing a broom, cleaning my room

Or up late studying for that Math test

My mind’s racing, it’s always wild

And when I’m supposed to be listening

I’m thinking of words to write, a separate file

Where I store the very honest bits of me

Find them here

And learn how I came to be

I don’t talk much, but I write too little

I can always add another verse

Another stanza

Because without words

Who am I

I Don’t Need Your Guilt, I’ve Got Enough Of My Own

White light

Switch back to the darkness they can’t see

Black shadows hide my nature

And you are so afraid

Psychotic and punished by my brain

I take these streets

My brothers face down for nothing wrong

Fuck the police, the city, our people’s song

Cause sometimes I really hate you

Turn on the news, you’re marching with us

Trying to be black, you’re out of whack

Out of practice, out of luck, out of spazz

I go nuts on these pages, see me act out

I don’t have a message, but messages

And I need messengers to carry out the word

Not imposters, but responders

Backs who’ve carried the pain

Skin tones who’ve taken the blame

Hair textures who’ve taken the shame

Hands torn and mangled, became lame

I need someone a little insane

Because this life requires we be a little

Nobody ever stood out

Being like everyone else

Swimming against the tide takes guts

Dignity, and a whole lotta love

Rise above for your people

Rise above for your nation

And leave your white guilt at the door

I don’t need it

I’ve got enough of my own

Taking Back My Life

White light

Switch the day

to night

Black as whips

Cross my skin

I fight

As breath is faint and light

Cross my body go chains of steel

I fail

As hunger burns heavy and tight

The American Dream is frail

As the tears that take vision from my eyes

From my family, from my future

And everything and everyone I hold dear

I’ll never be like you, and always in fear

Of what they might do

Because I’m not like you

Jogging through the city to find my peace

I still can’t find a seat to eat from this table

It’s a fantasy, but these cramps are real

Building my endurance through literature

I cannot outbid you, but I can out write you

I can speak of men young and old

Shatter your old and refurbished ways

The sun shines on me, on this new day

I’m also on Instagram now, so go follow me! 🤗

The Agony Inside

Cut me loose

And let it free

The agony inside of me

I breathe you in, but it never comes out

Shielded by anger and impenetrable doubt

I’ve made a mess of me

And in the shadows, I wonder about

Which parts they see

What do you ignore

I want to be part of your journey

And then I want more

But I’m too heavy, with my sickening daze

I’m in need so much mercy and grace

Engrained in the darkness

I’m forever stopped in this place

I see neither sun nor sin

Darkness nor birth

Just the electric burn of them saying

I’m less than the worthless

It riddles me in a way I cannot comprehend

Stifling my words, sinister in disguise

Coming to me in an elegant array of sizes

I wash myself of the day’s depths

Sinking deeper in the water, till it covers my mouth

Maybe I should stay

They wouldn’t remember me anyway