Categories
Poetry

That Man

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Scared to be lonely
Scared to be close to you
Scared to be a slave to a finger
Scared to be free in myself
Just scared
The nighttime falls upon me so swift
The nighttime falls without forgiveness
The nighttime reminds of words misspoke
The nighttime reminds of hearts broken
Tailored
For disaster, my mind
For remembrance, my mind
For bitter memory, all time
For all time
Never to behold, merely to grace
Never to hold, merely contemplate
Never to love, only to lust
Never to die for, only to live
In bitter reflection
I could’ve been that man
Categories
Aspergers Poetry

You Don’t Know It But I’ve Already Said Goodbye

One day I’ll say goodbye

One day I’ll leave you, her, everyone

One day I’ll break away

And go far away

Where there is no summer

And the springs are hot

Where the winds die and rise

On the same breath

Where the best songs

Are those in your mind

Where the last words are hello

But never goodbye

Where the last note

Is till death do us part

These words are animals

Two by two onto this wretched ark

I have intent on finding dry land

Rather than the bottom of sea

Because that’s what all your weight

Can do to me

Categories
Aspergers

More Afraid Of “Yes” Than “No”?

WAMTAC

I hate change.

I wake up the same time: between 6-7am

wear (basically) the same clothes: some combination of jeans, T shirt, and jeans

eat the same food: eggplant wraps, sandwiches, fruits, salads, occasional fast food, donuts

do the same thing: work, write, read, watch the news

listen to the same music: Fall Out Boy, panic! At The Disco, Ariana Grande, Demi Lovato, Nicki Minaj (she’s my queen)

 

The only change recently that I’ve actually welcomed is my friend counter going from zero to one with the addition into my life a very sweet and funtastic girl named Rosa.

 

I’m more aware of what makes me tick, and that has helped me cope when change does come, but it doesn’t take away the defensive mechanisms I was born with. I still get extremely emotional (mostly anger, even when the change benefits me) and it takes me some time to process it all. You can give me a second or three years and I’ll still respond the same. I would rather things just stay the same, and I know that would make this world very bland, but that’s me.

 

This brings me to why I wrote this to begin with: the girlfriend question. I’ve never had one, probably won’t ever have one, and wouldn’t know how to process it if I did have one. I few weeks ago I was thinking about an article topic, and this thought ran across my mind: “am I giving off energy that keeps me from having a girlfriend because I’m more afraid of yes than no?”

 

See, if I pursue a girl and she says no to me, then that’s fine. I’m a teenage black autistic poet (weird combo to say the least) I’m used to rejection. But if a girl says yes, that’s when problems arise. I’ve never had one before, so what do you call that? CHANGE. Not that I would ever be opposed to the idea, but my mental wiring would resist it (even if she looked like Kate Upton). I realized that while my heart would love it, my head hates it, and that’s why it hasn’t happened.

 

As I’ve talked about in some of my poems, I’ve deeply considering giving up. I realized that would never do because it’s never right to give up on something that is good. For now, I’ll keep trying. The wall has to come down eventually. What if, through trial, error, and repetition, I can make my brain more accommodating to change? (that sounds wrong but I needed to write it) I’m not a scientist, but I’m not going to call it impossible until I haven’t done it.

 

Until next time 🙂

 

 

Categories
Aspergers Poetry

Walking Against The Traffic: My Life On The Spectrum

WAMTAC

The lights are everywhere

and they bother me

too many, too sudden

and glaring bright, they make it hard to see

the cars speed past, kicking up dust

along the way

they stare at me in silence

but I have nothing to say

they eat into my soul

these people I don’t know

and I know it’s because

I walk against the traffic flow

I walk against

the expectations

and in defiance I heighten

their aggervation

I am silent when others are loud

and loud when they will not speak

because I will tell you what I believe

but not when you expect me to come around

I speak out for my fellow autistics

but you won’t see me on a march

because that is just one day

and we are handicapped for life

so in my words, I leave these messages

hoping you will see the light

and treat us right

and while the windows of your souls

reflect our ugliness, our loneliness

I believe that less

can be more

when you are silent, and step back

you see the whole

of what you’re here for

sophomoric insults

and childish laughter

goes for naught

as I make the most of these days

and against the flow of traffic

I will continued to walk

Categories
Aspergers Poetry

Desperation Underneath The Ink Of Humility

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As the wind blows

ripping fast across my back

I think of light, near and far

and a call to come home

It’s nearly eight

not too late

but I feel the urge to write

and call to come home

I’m here, alone

like you normally find me

If you kept a calendar, you’d always know

that I’ve always wanted to go home

As the twinkling dots amass in size

I close my eyes

and forget the time

that I wanted to go home

The fading, in and out

keeps me locked in wonder of their whereabouts

and I forget I wanted to go home

Lost in a forest

of thick brush

and emotional peaks and pits

Troubled thoughts

from suffering from your pyramid scheme

I’m dizzy

please tell me this is a dream

Freezing water

laps behind me

and as the wind grows fiercer

I tighten my jacket around me

I do a lot of weird stuff

but I had to come here

at this day, at this time

to let you know

that I’m coming home