What This Aspergian Wants The World To Hear

 

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Continuing my theme this month (some mix of sadness, memory, and disappointment), I wrote something akin to my first post of this month (https://marylandpoetblog.wordpress.com/2017/01/01/i-dont-give-a-damn-about-the-new-year/?wref=tp), although with a less angered, more optimistic look at the world.

I want to write something

that will change the world

something that will free all words

and make curses unheard

I want these pages

to speak throughout time

the sages will tremble

and great voices will assemble

as in the dawning of ages

I want to write something

that will free every slave

so convict and convicter

could behave

so that prisoners could be freed

and trafficked girls

return to their mommies

I want to see nations rejoice

and all people

native and foreign

sing of peace in a loud voice

I want to write something

that turns the tide of war

gunners, pilots, and generals

find their chores to be a bore

Tear down the metal hammer

throw down the aces

let all ideas of torture

be abandoned

I want to write something

that shows that people

with disorders

are of the highest order

When you look

at our souls

set us free

when you see us

struggle and overcome

You too can believe

that we all can achieve

whatever is in our dreams

I want to write something

that gives hope

courage

and truth

Whether or not

this makes print

I know

this is it

 

 

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To The Bad Things…

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Bad things

I knew if I did them

I would get attention

Maybe my parents would listen

Bad things

Feel good at the pinnacle

The high of sex is way above the typical

Nothing like I’ve ever felt, measures up to nothing else

Bad things

Can make you seem like a star

Those aspergian traits seem so far

When its dark and you’re alone in the car and you’ve got

Bad things

On your mind

All the time

You’d probably be jacking off if you weren’t writing this rhyme

Bad things

Become real bad things

When they ruin childhood feelings

When they got you staring up at the ceiling

Wishing for a body that was never yours

And the body that would make her yours

And when I thought I needed more

I needed more

And now trying here

Trying to be more

Than the Bad things

That brought me here

And now I fear

That the Bad things

Will eat me alive

Force me inside

Striping me

Molesting me

Of everything that was mine

Bad things

Always look so good

Double-check yourself

Save your health

Before the verdict’s dealt

Bullet Through Your Chest

 

 

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Red, yellow, and blue

fading light makes me wish

I never knew

about the pink walls

and the missed call

The golden soccer ball

captured his reflection

so well

and the boy you loved

captured by your affection

was your death knell

I didn’t hear your cry

and everyday

I wish I could turn back time

I didn’t hear the banging

bats breaking

and chains clanking

Every sunrise I see

is another bullet through your chest

and every starlight

is another thug cleaning up the mess

If I could do it differently

I would

I really would

 

I Don’t Give A Damn About The New Year

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(Seriously, I don’t. It’s just one more day on this Earth. It’s not nearly as serious as people make it out to be. You should be grateful for everyday. )

Maybe it’s that January cold

but I’m feeling quite bold

not following what I’m told

I’m always breaking the mold

A new year for these Americans

drinking, smoking, and choking down food

is another day in the long life

of Africans, Indians, Asians, and Middle Easterners

dealing with pollution, anarchy, and loss caused by you

America starts these wars

while you riot over criminals

and while your porn turn underage girl into whores

your three dollar donation’s impact is minimal

in world where trading humans

makes multi-billions

your Game of Thrones

is least among the millions

of concerns of the world

where your flip-flops fear to tread

where bombs are hurled

dismembering heads

Call me anti-American

call me a hater

but while you tweet

Chinese workers aren’t getting any paper

Overfed and under-read

Complain about minimum wage

while African mothers don’t see their girls

grow to an old age

Throw a fit over Christmas

throw a fit over Easter

but how many homeless

get to meet her,

the Holy Spirit?

Protect this land,

fair lady

Maybe we’ll worship something outside of ourselves

maybe

 

Dear Casket, With Scenes Of Romance

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(Author’s Note: HEY EVERYBODY. I’ve been really sick, and while I’m still not better, I felt good enough to publish this. Hope you enjoy)

 

Dear Casket

with scenes of romance

Why did you try to mask it

You knew we had no chance

July Thirty First

to December Twenty Seventh

She might have been my first

she might have been my seventh

Yet it all feels the same

when it all boils down

you’re left maimed

from boils

and gurgling sounds from under the water

pleading at the top of your lungs

to stop her

And she didn’t

and you didn’t

She couldn’t swim

but she couldn’t drown

No, that echo resounded long into her night

twisting and turning her

Oh, how the faithful have might

I watched her struggle

in my view

but in its view

she was free

no, not she, but he

untied from his temporary calling

he would wait in secret until another

desired dwelling

Last wishes on evening star

Many faces coming from afar

to gaze at the beauty you are

Before time gave the finishing mar

and left our hearts with a crooked scar

 

I Was Mortified, Now I’m Fortified

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Earlier this month, I came out with a terrible confession

I was addicted to porn. (https://marylandpoetblog.wordpress.com/2016/12/02/to-heaven-god-nobody-or-anyone-listening/)

There wasn’t a day I couldn’t not watch it, and much of my thoughts were dedicated to finding ways to watch it. But suddenly, I had a breakthrough.

I thought about everyone I was hurting. People I didn’t know. You. People I did. Me. It broke me, it crushed me, and it made me want to change. I learned what it does to relationships, to the brain, and how it’s destroying the lives of so many in this world. If we are all connected, then I’ve had a hand in the suffering of millions.

That’s a devastating feeling, but with prayer, dedication, and the encouragement from you, I’ve started to turn.

I’ve gone twenty-two straight days without surfing porn, and I’ve barely thought about it. I don’t feel the need to look it up, and that’s the biggest victory. The urge is gone, and I’m spending more time reading and writing. All the things porn was taking from me, I’m getting back. I’m feeling stronger, mentally and physically. I’m looking at women, sex, and relationships differently. I feel stronger in what I believe, and I’m more confident than ever. This time last year, I would’ve never thought I’d go a day without porn, but nearly a month? God is good, and he works in incredible ways.

Thank you, KELLY ELIZABETH for sharing this hope with me!

(This is a poem I wrote before joining the Fortify program)

Closed

and quiet

Motionless

not trying to fight it

Fire

expended

Mind

winded

Trying to explain

how I feel

How I’m not in control

my wacked-out brain is at the wheel

I try to be normal

but I always fail

I try to make friends

but the lies name the trail

I try to speak out

but I am silenced

by the power

and I just can’t fight it

Maybe I’m not strong enough

because I’m too weak minded

or maybe I’m just unlucky

and I need to find it

 

 

 

Rose, And A Feeling I Never Want To Know

rose

You are my desire

and you make me reach higher

Your heart is like birds in flight,

never resting

Love like water

endlessly flowing

Holding out

the wilted seed

of our love

in my hand

Can it be planted again?

I’m walking through the garden,

where childish feet used to tread

watching birds, bees, and anything,

that happily fled

I’m walking through the garden,

Where young feet used to tread

watching planets, cosmic lines, and anything

that happily shined

Rose, we could have grown together

until we wilted and turned grey

but the amaryllis folded back that day

and the lily pads saw underneath the waters

Putting down

the wilted seed

of our love

in the ground

It has been planted again,

will I let you grow?

will I let you go?

 

 

 

 

YOU Are Why This Aspergian Writes

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Nearly 2,000 followers and over 100 posts later, I would have never thought I’d have this much of a following. I have so many favorites, and you all leave some really amazing comments. You’re encouraging, supportive, and also honest. We share ideas, and we help one another. I’m grateful to be part of this community.

Many times I’ve been asked why I write, and I think it’s very simple. Some will say because they’re bored, and others because it’s fun. My response is neither. I write to change perspectives. I write to change negative stereotypes around those on the autism spectrum. I write to give hope to those, who like me, were considering taking their lives because of depression, anxiety, and abuse. Many of you have shared their stories, and I’ve really taken them to heart, and they’ve inspired my words. Here’s just another piece of this brittle heart, hope you find it sweet….

 

They tried to break me

saying writing would never make me

aspergers would always betray me

Well I’m published now

and people read my words daily

about that Aspergers that made me

and now they can’t stand next to me

Because they can’t take the heat

when I spit these

words that burn to the core

raw pain that lives forever more

images of people that I used to adore

My dad leaving my mom, and me at the door

my past falls on me everyday like a bitter rain

and everyday I’m living a lie

when I tell myself I’m sane

I’m not sane, I’m insane!

Tortured by the man

I thought I called my father

but he doesn’t give a fuck about me

so why did even bother

wondering where he went and he’d come

in a pinch

Childhood kicked me

as my family ran past

my slow-stepping

mess-making ass

I thought I was destine to die

as life was passing me by

and as I sat with that bleach

in my glass, I said

“one more time”

but I saw a better person

standing in the mirror

and with the Word

I became a believer

No matter what they said

I’d be myself

No matter that they did

I’d put it on the shelf

cause I’m not living for them

I’m not living for their approval

I’m not living for the person I once knew

I’m dying for everyone on the spectrum

so they can live too

Publishing A Book? Inside An Aspergian’s Brittle Heart

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It’s nearly Christmas time, which means I’m trying to stay indoors as much as possible. The holidays exacerbate every last aspergian response possible. First off, the constant music an lights give me headaches. Never mind I hate Christmas music in general(or that’s where the hate comes from), but the flashing lights are a sensory OVERLOAD.

Then, it’s all the people. Stupid Santa’s (creepy as hell), people wishing you merry Christmas, and the manic shopping/spending…I can’t take it. I can’t shop in peace, because somebody has to sharing “Christmas wishes” or asking me what’s my favorite Christmas tradition. I can’t go anywhere without having carols, Jesus, and Jingle Bells shoved down my throat. I’d rather stay inside, listen to the music I want to listen to, and not have to answer the question “Why don’t you celebrate Christmas?”

Mariah Carey is hot, got it, but “All I Want For Christmas Is You” becomes very damp when you realize you can never, ever have her. Sigh. And, Jingle Bell Rock is WAY overrated. And while gingerbread and egg nog everything is delicious, when the cashiers at Starbucks automatically expect that’s what you want, yeah…

On a more personal topic, I’m starting to compile my poetry for an anthology. I’ve looked over all my files, and I feel like I have enough (quality) work to turn it into a book. It’ll be a long process, but I feel very excited about starting it. I’m a bit disorganized with my poetry, though. Since I write on everything, I have to go through all my flash drives and Word documents to make sure I don’t have duplicates, and to ensure I don’t leave out anything. Novel writing isn’t my thing, but as so many of you have told me, poetry IS. I don’t have a timetable on when it might be finished, but hopefully it’ll be done late spring/early summer. Finding an agent, and a publisher, won’t be easy, so I’m giving myself plenty of time to pull everything together.

“…I’m not living for their approval

I’m not living for the person I once knew

I’m dying for everyone on the spectrum

so they can live too…”

This is a quote from one of the songs I wrote, and it’s the essence of why I write, why I started this blog, and why I hope to be a published poet. People say aspergians don’t have a voice, that we’re too shy, too quiet, and easily forgotten. We’ll never truly be part of society, because we’re not personable, friendly, or outgoing. I may be the living embodiment of the worst an aspergian can be, but I want to change those assumptions.For every one of us, I want them to know that it’s not all lost. You don’t have to stay in your autistic closet. Broken cookies really do taste better than whole ones. There’s more in your future than divorce and abuse. Your kids are just as beautiful and intelligent as the next. We can stand together, for all of us. There IS light at the end of this tunnel, and it starts here.

I’m grateful that you all have come to love and appreciate these words from my brittle heart, and I’m thankful that you take the time to comment and interact. You’ve made me a better writer.

And maybe even a better person, too…

 

Wondering if I should press post

I feel things deep, deeper than most

Because I dwell on my feelings

Throwing darts at the ceiling

as I torture my cats

with my off-key singing

I put up a good front

but God knows I’m faking

This brittle heart

is destined for a breaking

I try to take people in

and wind up turning them out

because I let betrayal seep in

I can’t not give in to the doubt

If only you knew

how much it hurt

Maybe you wouldn’t say things

that make me feel I have no worth

Make me feel like I’m not living

because deep down I’m really trying

but your way I’m just not buying

so over your head my words go flying

off to their death, dying

in open air, just like me

loud enough to turn heads

but quiet enough to be forgotten by bed

 

My 2016 Blogger Award Nominations

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Well, 2016 is almost over, isn’t it?

Yes, sadly it is.

But that doesn’t mean we should forget about the good, right?

2016 was a fun year for me. In spite of my worst self, I had a lot of positives to take from this year. I graduated from High School. I started a blog that brings awareness about Aspergers, depression, and addiction. I’m getting followed on Twitter and WordPress by those going through the things I am, and that encourages me. It tells me that I’m reaching souls, and that is the greatest achievement of any achievement. I’ve drastically improved as a writer since I first took up this calling a year ago, and everyday I feel more and more confident in not only the words I say, but why I say them. 2016 wouldn’t have been made without you, and because of that, I’m giving out awards to some of you. Note, this was made especially hard by the fact that many of my favorite blogs are in fact award-free, but enough of that. Let’s get into it.

Thanks to Elm for hosting the 2016 Blogger Awards https://justelm.wordpress.com/2016/10/15/the-2016-blogger-awards/

  1. Blog Of The Year: https://anonymouslyautistic.net/

“Autistic Anna” has been absolutely spectacular. Her posts have been educational, encouraging, and even funny at times. Her knowledge surpasses some “experts”. Finally, her blog reaches me at a personal level, like anyone on the spectrum, and she’s close to my heart because of it.

2. Kindest Blogger: https://sparkleblossomgoodsblog.wordpress.com/

Maureen leaves some incredible words on her blog, but I chose her for this slot because of what she leaves on mine. Every night before I go to bed, I read over my comments, and her words always stand out. She’s been with me nearly since I first joined WP, and I’m grateful for her every word.

3. Most Approachable Blogger: https://femiiesther.wordpress.com/

If you don’t mind having song lyrics being sent to you faster than your phone can receive them, having to explain what NFL is, and being emailed at midnight just to say hi, then Esther is your girl. We started talking a month ago, and she was very upfront and honest in the face of all my suspicions. (I don’t trust people, sorry Essie) I’ve learned a lot about her through WP and Twitter. She’s really sweet, and it doesn’t take much to get her going.

4. Best New Blogger: https://bbgscribbles.wordpress.com/

She’s only been on WP since September? I. Don’t. Care. Her poetry is beautiful, full of emotion, and always interesting to read. I hope she’s on here for a long, long time.

5. Most Positive Blog: https://millieschmidt.wordpress.com/ and https://puttingmyfeetinthedirt.com/

I nominated Millie because she combines writing with the cutest animal on this planet, cats. I happen to live with two, so I relate easily with her posts. I nominated Michelle because her poetry isn’t just tremendous, it’s uplifting. She was also kind enough to introduce me to her daughter, who is an amazing poet in her own right. Cats, writing, and poetry? You can’t get more positive than that!

6. Most Helpful Blogger: https://misslynn1.wordpress.com/

As I’ve grown on my blog, you’ve seen me talk more about my past. I used to be suicidal,  and while I’m grateful to have exercised those demons, I haven’t forgotten. Along with being an amazing host of #BlackDahliaProse, Kendra has been helpful and encouraging me as I fight through bouts of depression and recollections of my haunting childhood.

7. Best Looking Blogger: https://darkpink.wordpress.com/

Leyla’s blog is so simple, yet it’s so beautiful. Her images are unique and extraordinary, and she’s been with me since the beginning.

8. Most Relatable Blog: https://anaprose.wordpress.com/

Another great poet, Ana gets my nod for most relatable because we both write poetry, are introverts, and love taking pictures of the sky. Do her a favor and hit that follow button!

9. Most Creative Blogger:  https://allymomin5.wordpress.com/

Ally is an incredible young poet, and she kindly entered me into the Three Day, Three Quote Challenge a couple months ago. I liked that because it showed a willingness to partner with other writers and collaborate to produce different and creative works.

10. Funniest Blogger: https://tenacitytgoddess.com/

Check my comments to see why I nominated Tina for this award. LOL.

Seriously, though, Tina is great. She’s honest, real to the point of raw, and has been one of the most active people on my blog.

The Wildcard

Neither of these bloggers fit the above categories, but they deserve recognition. Davy (https://davydblog.com/) writes some incredible poetry and is one of my favorite followers. Stevie (https://stgreenie.wordpress.com/) writes very amusing poetry and is constantly on my Twitter timeline with great words of advice.

 

THANK YOU ALL FOR A GREAT 2016 (that isn’t quite over yet) AND GOOD LUCK IN THE FUTURE!