Some handwritten poems…
I’m losing me.
My heart doesn’t beat so fast anymore.
It beats slower and slower, till one night
I felt like dying. I am dying. I thought, I hoped.
Everything’s a blur, now. Everything’s spotty.
Memory. Finances. Relationships. Mood.
Blinding headaches blur the little vision I have.
The tearing up inside that I can’t let outside.
I forgot. I’ve got Aspergers. I’m trying to hide.
Cause who’s gonna believe my story? See me?
For someone not awkward. Not special.
Just especially ticked off when plans fail.
Because I hate planning for the unseen.
There’s so much my anxiety won’t let me.
And the world wants me to remain in the dark.
So sick of being left out, of being forgotten.
Sick of everyone pretending they know me.
There’s anger, and then there’s what I feel.
Gnawing pressure that demands release.
Burning sensations traveling up tired muscles.
Broken trust, a heart that’s rusted, and a head
That’s too far ahead for its own good.
We call on it to save us
Help us forget the wrong choices
Fretting over the loss of imaginary moments
Charted by notches on our wrists
Crisp suits, fresh ties, and a golden ring
Makes us feel so fine
But nobody asks when the winds come
And the storms blow our dreams
Into the next state, what do you own
Is your estate merely on earth
Or locked away in a soul with no bounds
Free me from the sickness of gravity
And this nightmare I’ve described
Give me something to think about
Other than the time I spend thinking
About how much time I’ve spent dying
The blood I’ve spilled, innocents I’ve killed
The dead I’ve willed to never rise again
Because I forgot to remember their sacrifice
So our ancestors forever die twice
Once, for them, and again, for us
For as long as we’re looking down
Can we ever see what’s truly above
And the love we seek is easily ignored
When you cannot comprehend who you are
What is joy really for
Constant stares force my gaze downward
Yesterday’s scars, why won’t you heal?
The skin is tender, the memory, bright
I fear whenever the sun decides to fail
There will be another sleepless night
One tells me it’s normal, another says
I should see a therapist and confess
My past demands sacrifices I cannot give
Because I am not fit to die for this world
Hardly heard, so I’m hereafter never a hero
I can say so much, but only so loud
Overrun in a world run by packs of wolves
If I could submit to the wave, should I?
There’s fragments of my surroundings
Challenging me, inviting me to Anger
Incensed at the assumption I only care about
A kneeling king is not a defeated one. A crying man may very well be broken, but he is not shattered. His world may be ashes, but as long as there is breath in his body, his hands are left free to take what’s been taken. With thought he molds a world that is better than the first. When thought prevails over emotion, love wins. It is not blind, and while it is beautiful, life is not beautiful because it lasts. Before I watched you turn to dust, I’d lay my head in your arms. Tell you about the stars, the sky. The darkness, the endgame. It’s up there, it’s out there. And I have to do everything to keep you. Because if I don’t have you, what do I have to fight for?
Someone, somewhere, loves you. Mountains obscure failing eyes. Seas in deadly tempests render screams meaningless. Vultures seek to pounce on our tired, aching bodies. Deserts strand us, and dust storms leave us lost in a swirling graveyard. Yet amidst the demonic slaughter, I can hear your heartbeat. Troubled thoughts and trembling eyes cannot shut me out from you, and I can find you. I will find you.
I love you. We don’t understand each other all the time. Maybe we’re not supposed to. Maybe these rough patches are a reminder that, surprise, we’re both human. But, even in the chaos. The murder. The mysteries. The pain. The broken hearts. We can still rustle up next to each other and listen. Listen to our souls. And be reminded that the sun will come out tomorrow.
Eyes roll at the slightest provocation
Because I can’t control every nerve
And holy shit, they start flaring
When I’m near you, around you
In the same time zone, as you
But not because of anything you did to me
Because of everything I did to you
It’s a shame far past guilt
And a pain far past shame
It’s the maggoty feeling in your heart
Knowing she did everything to care
But you let your insecurity run her aground
It’s the sickening sense of helplessness
Knowing she liked you, wanted you
But you stood there, gawking and forever still
It’s the murderous anointing of Satan
To be loved and liked and never know it
Because you can’t tell if someone’s interested
I’ll always want what I can never have
Not because I have no arms or legs
But I am disabled
For all of eternity
There’s persistence in my thoughts
Spinning cyclical stories rising into the sky
Until I’m king of the clouds in my imagination
Because that’s the only place appreciative
Tears and toiling facial muscles are my slaves
Passive aggressive slander keeps me spoiled
I’m just too tender to make it in the world
So I burn myself to keep it out of my head
Black skin grows harder where it’s afraid
I just might test my strength again
I’m somewhat cynical, although intentional
I want to love ya but you think I’m weird
Broken? Absolutely. That’s how the light
Terrified? Shit, have you seen my wires?
I’m jacked up there, down there, everywhere
So my words don’t flow right all the time
And I speak too fast cause I got a lot to say
What I’m getting at is that I want to grow
And do it…with you
Because I know you can change me
And maybe I can show that I’m not too lost
This is what I always wanted us to be
3 p.m rays try to stir me from a dream
It seems daylight wants to silence my scream
Raging tears of love, pouring out tonight
All my life I’ve been ignored, but now
The cards have fallen and I stand alight
Tripwire smiles and landmine bosoms
They fail to sway, today
Today, I take back the pain of yesterday
Tomorrow, the sun will set on a broken heart
That one is mine
Sunshine and silk sheets I leave in my wake
Those are yours