I Became Such A Strange Shape From Trying to Fit In

When I’m in the corner

I don’t need a helping hand

when I’m in the corner

I want to be alone

cut off my fingers, I don’t care

I need the pain to take me there

beyond the black skin and racist news

beyond the autism and the confusion it brews

beyond the sky and all its blues

the night offers so much wonder

the day offers so much hardship

I don’t know why more people don’t go

I wish I went sooner

the answers lie within our reach

but above us

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It Was Always Me

It wasn’t you

it was always me, me and my

insecurity

forever able to protect my heart with a click and a prayer

but unable to be alone with the only one I’ve ever known

inability

forever able to convey my emotions with words

yet silent when we’re face to face

you asked me why, you asked me how

you begged me, what’s so different now

I scream out loud as I ride the bow

the icy waters crashing all around

I turn to her, loving every fading moment

regretting every time I said I had something better

she was my something

something better than my quiet ever provided

my silent time ended with each demand

but the moments with her opened promises

of a brighter tomorrow

but I’ve crafted this plank

and now I walk it

no turning back

not now

Unfortunate Death

You’re alone

sitting at the bottom

of the pile, running miles

in circles, to impress

and you fail

to address

to no avail

the elephant in the room

you just can’t do it

maybe in the next life, but not this one

and while you’re not the only one

to feel this way

life becomes so small

when you’ve lost the way

windows shrink

doors close tight

the river feels so wrong, and so right

watching it stir the murky depths

no one will be upset

at someone’s unfortunate death

When It’s My Turn

We’re racing, you and I

this circle of light that we call life

each day I wake, each time I sleep

(Pretend)

things we call real, it’s just a dream

things we call a dream, it’s just a dream

but some things, transcend both dream and reality

and those are the moments that mean most to me

I know none of what we do here matters

because it’ll wind up dying in history

I know none of what we achieve here is worthwhile

because it’ll get lost in the forget of memory

I know the love we share will die

with the bodies, with the hearts

that first insisted on sharing it

I know the bond we share will rust

with the minds, with the hands

that first demanded on bending it

but until the boys are brought home

until the lust is caught up with

until the children are remembered

and the mothers are encouraged to keep them

I’m going to live in this moment

and hope to find love in this moment

someone to share this moment with

and if I don’t find anyone

then keep to myself

and give it back to nature

when it’s my turn

Goodnight

Trying to get away from the public eye

they don’t understand how stares age me

I’m so tired, these days

from fingertips to wrinkled joints

the wear and tear is plain to see

and they don’t get the point, I want to be alone

sometimes I roam the streets

nine at night, the lights hardly guide my way

my brain tells me when to stop and go

I feel at home, for once

I feel right, this way

it’s unexplainable, but jealous of my job

I have to battle with myself all day long

and when I can’t fight, I write these songs

these daily words that keep me going strong

I’m flawed, but learning to be okay with that

what I struggle with the people on my path

some stay, some go

some people leave thoughts I hate to know

others I wish I knew better

but I’ll forever be this way until I die

thank you for reading me again

goodnight

Doctor Flawed Writes My Prescription

It’s not that serious

freaking out over me

I was just being honest

what else could you want me to be

Occasionally random

and randomly occasional

Strangers don’t know how to take it

Fucking frankly, neither do I

I’ve been waiting all my life

for one that’s right

and I’ve wasted countless lives

chasing fading lights

I can’t wait anymore, no more

nothing changed, child

I just don’t know the date

I can’t find my place

I have nowhere to put my soul

that’s safe, okay?

I move on faster than most

because I’m not like most

and that’s not a prideful boast

just an honest recollection

of my obsession with depression

healthy thoughts, yet a troubled mind

people sense something’s not aligned

Doctor Flawed writes me a prescription

of picking minds, asking questions

but I can’t come out and tell the truth

you might think of me the same

you might not

I can’t decide if it’s worth it

and therein lies the purpose

of impression

You don’t sound preachy

you sound confident

something I might not ever be

Inside Out

Flawed emotions

come from resilient battle scars

Trying to ignore them, silence

their impact

but they scream out from afar

and with a clash they war

with my inside, truth

and outside, youth

ending in my pathways being a brew

of oddity and oddly, adoration

but lacking the basis to withstand the tides

I fall when they disappear

and I’m back to scraping back the skin

and blowing the mines

inside my mind

I huddle for warmth inside these rhymes

it’s the only cure to the consciousness

of my debilitating anxiety

it’s the only thing I have of worth

because it’s all I ever want to be

safe and sound, these halls of stone

irreplaceable persons I ignore

I failed you

and who knows how many more

The Lonely Sign

IMG_0041

Cross my heart

You’ll never live

To see me die

Fooled me once

Now tricked me twice

I can’t do much less

Than trust my eyes

In the face

Of the things I do

We can see

How close time is

To finishing you

And don’t mind me

I’m not far behind

Taste the rain, dance in the shadows

Barrels align

On a dime

My head stands behind

The lonely sign

You Still Don’t Know Why

You can’t stop the feeling

of systems shutting down

when the rage overcomes you

all contained in a single sound

the pressure has been building, for years on end

but you love your family, so you remain silent

you cross paths with newfound friends

you work in diligence, and calmly blend in

but your soul knows you’ve sinned

at least I do

I know what the tingling feels like

when you can’t take anymore

I know the heat of the moment

when you wish people would let go

let you go

to the winds of your condition

and the fantasy of doctor’s predictions

prescriptions only work for the well read

not the well bled

these words are the scars

to the never ceasing wound

prodding my body to heal with pain

and pleasure, but it hardly responds

it was shocked

and still is

you still don’t know why I did

what I did

Nobody Likes What I See

Alone is where my heart is

but my body is among you

so where am I truly?

Am I the silent nod at your beauty

and the agreement to pass you by

like a flower in a field of choice

or am I the culmination of years of rage

lashing out in violent overtones of muscle

and metal

Am I the smile and thank you at your ignorance

for fear of upsetting the preset standard

or the seething breath pouring down my chest

as I stuff it back in and attend to your demands

Am I the powerful words I conjure up each night and day

hoping to make you see how I walk this way

or am I the things I don’t say, the sins I fold away

because you’d hate me if you knew me

the real me, the ugly me

the poetic me, the cunning me

and I hope one day, I could tell you the truth

but until then, we’ll keep missing out

on the the chance

to turn each other around

because nobody likes

what they’re made to see