Death We Deserved

The empty road

Is full of mistakes

Littered with youthful projects

Dazzling scenes of vibrant lights

In spite of the rampant pity sex

cigarettes half smoked

And bottles that stung before the tongue touched

There’sa soul still clutching the burning sands

A glass half full of pain’s delicious rum

The mirage isn’t me, but you

The silver lining trapped in all the lies you told

Are melting under the rays of my eyes

Fucking nasty artificial cherries

Resting on top of all the cream I spilled over you

I hate the taste, but I love it

When we’re coming together

And the children we left to waste

Are a menagerie of our memory

Laid to waste in the bombardment of virginity

I loved making us less

Than what we we could’ve been

I hated waking us

From the death we deserved

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So Little

Sleeping

But hardly rested

The night is too long

For a troubled soul to endure

I rise in the early hours

And contemplate

I feel safe in the arms of solitude

For it hears me, and asks why I do

Regardless of wrong or right

Nobody else does

Nobody else will even try

Sometimes I wonder if I’m ever to be loved

Merely tolerated in this present state

I am surrounded by bodies

But cared for by nobody

They want my body, not the mind that comes with it

They want my inside, without seeing that it makes the outside

They want me, but not me

And that is an unshakable burden

Who knew a heart had so little value

Who knew a soul could be so empty

In the face of all that I have battled

It is this that closes my eyes

And puts me to rest forever

Where Does It End

Where does it end

The twitching eyes, flinching nerves

The inability to respond to laughter

Sarcasm, jokes, they all seem repulsive

Advances in greetings

Handshakes, fist pumps, they all seem in vain

I respond hesitantly, again and again

Distant from no one, because they won’t come close

Distant from everyone, because they’re surprised when they do

I’m not like what you expect

I’m not quick to accept

Am I always rejected

Or do I just not give it enough time

I am not patient in seeking out affection

Like I am crafting these lines

Because I know I can wait for these words

But that connection, long lasting

Dual magnums you can’t separate us

Even in the rain we find a way to be happy

That call hasn’t reached my voicemail

Unless I kept forgetting to pick up

I don’t know the call of a bird

I’ve never heard before

I’d like to one day unlock that door

Not Seen

I see it

In your eyes

And feel it

In the beatings of your words

Typing away at the shell around your heart

It doesn’t take an army

Just two to part

Sometimes I wondered if you would speak

Other times, I wish I’d asked

Because I know what isolation feels like

When you’re truly alone, you’re invisible

I wouldn’t want that to pass

Over you or anyone I truly cared about

The threads between our heart and mind

Are fragile and beautiful at the same time

Just as this rhyme digs deep inside

Venom claws away when the blood boils

People are a toil, dreams aren’t reality

And I can’t be what everyone wants me to be

I have aspergers, I don’t connect with people

I struggle to read body language

And social cues

I try to hit on girls not interested

I don’t even see the ones that are

(If you ever existed)

But I would be remiss if I said I wasn’t happy

No, I am ecstatic

Not at being a statistic

Not at being another puzzle

But at being free

No matter what they want from me

I will only be

Me

That Way

Demons hunt my darkness

For a place to run and hide

Angels light upon my breath

Firing arrows to and fro

My whole mind is a battleground

And the victors I’ve yet to know

My words are both sails and anchors

Dry land and a tempest of no end

A siren’s song to drown you

Or a brave Indian come to rescue the near dead

I watch from drawn shades a country run aground

I blink and I am bloodied, I hear the trumpet sound

The children fight back with plastic guns

Theelders fight back with pharmaceuticals

The adults fight each other with barbs of wind

Never partially a lie, never fully true

The maze encapsulates me and you

Destined to a fate of black mud and wood

They know the right way

But who makes any money that way

Four Letters

The rain washes down the pane

Plexiglass keeps me on the inside

Of the outside I can’t escape

Dark streets, fast beats, nasty

People creeping on the walkers

Stalkers nestle in bushes

There’s something stalking me tonight

Called pain

Four letters so simple, so plain

But the very imagination drives me insane

Put my head down and ignore

But memory doesn’t play nice

It has to be questioned and challenged

Throwing dreams and drudgery every moment

I wonder when it will be over

Closer still is the will to survive

Demons fornicate inside but I breathe life

Through my mind not equipped to die

On the rise are ethers of redemption

On the rise are blasts from the ashes

The Phoenix has arrived

I Am Nothing

I am nothing

Lying in the darkness

Angels long departed

Limbs retarded by the storm

Feelings discarded by everyone

Nobody cares why I do

Only that I do

And if it is wrong they rain upon me insults

Exclamations and presumptions

Any of which was accurate I would accept

But they are merely innocuous visions

Of a man they never once knew

Nothing and no one could prevent their beliefs

But they insist them upon me, every moment

I should laugh when they laugh

Curse when they curse

And meddle in the meticulous paradings

Of boys dressed as men

Forgive me if I am not amused

But instead stand in shock of your misery

To sell shallow dreams for the price of a soul

To ask for a soda when you need a meal

Pitiable is a species who can reach the stars

Yet not find food for one hungry man

Wretched is a species that knows it sins

Yet spurns the needy anyway

Everything

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Everything I see that’s crooked about me
Is restored by the mirror in your eyes
The pain, the shadows
They all become accessory in your light
Sometimes I’m afraid to come to you
You’re perfect, immortal in awesomeness
The totality of what I yearn to be
When I lie with you, we’re naked
Nothing but yesterday’s breath
And today’s sweat between us
We are one, you whisper, pulling us closer
I resist your touch, I’m a sinner in your sight
But you love in spite of the wrong
Each time I let you, I was given a closer look
You let me have all your body
And every time I came back
You gave me more
The sex is just a period on our emotion
Your delicious body just a note in my song
Spreading me open, head lost in a trance
I hold your head tightly
We shiver and shudder under the gaze of us
We cum and commence our devotion
Wrapped in your arms all I feel is safety
Comfort in knowing there is someone for me
You taste like my sweet bitter dreams
And rub away all of my demons
Each kiss blesses them with new chains
And fucks turns them away at the door
You taste
Like all my demons
For my friend, Mandie 

Shadows

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It’s not when the shadows fall
Or when the crowds gather
When my dad said no
When she said no
When the publishers say no
When my prayers say no
When my check says no
When my neighbors say no
When the bloody streets, officers say no
When life seems to hate
Even the most primitive inkling of an idea of you
That’s not when I finally let the negatives in
No
The rain makes a hardier man
The hunger makes a quicker man
The storm makes a resourceful man
The loneliness makes a more loving man
It’s when everyone’s shouting my name
And telling me I’ve done a good job
When they’re clapping and lauding
It’s more yay than nay
Snapping than retorting
It’s when I’ve made it
That I realize I haven’t

Split

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Hiding from myself
The memories boxed up and shipped far
Into the recesses of time
But when it’s cold, the shingles stir
Dark clouds gather on the horizon
Lightning shatters confidence and sways
Funnel clouds evaporate conscious efforts
I crack and crumble and admit my faults
I fucked up so many times, why am I here
I say all the wrong things, think thoughts
Of a murderer, of a slave, of a con
I do all the wrong things, push everyone away
Friends and family say things, and deep down
I know they’re right, but my ego gets hard
And I fight the truth I know inside
It’s so cold when the winds leave
And so alone without the thunder distracting
I can hear all my demons vying for my head
Splitting my heaven into hell