Two Blogger Awards In One: Mystery and Versatile

Thanks to Just Me (https://silentfall.blog) and  1WiseWoman (https://wisewoman2016.wordpress.com/) for nominating for the Mystery Blogger Award and Versatile Blogger Awards two weeks ago, respectively.  Just Me is already one of my favorite bloggers, thanks to her beautiful (and sometimes amazingly sexy) poetry and wonderful sense of humor, while 1WiseWoman has been a blog devoted to strength, awareness, and support of those with mental illness. As Just Me is also an aspie, I can really relate to each and am grateful for the kind words they leave on my blog. YOU LADIES ROCK.

In addition to Cocoons’ nomination for the Blogger Recognition Award, it’s been an AMAZING week for the blog, and I am too eager to use this time to once again say THANK YOU to ALL my readers. Whether you’ve known me since August, or followed me today, you’ve made this all possible.

Rules For The Mystery Bloggers Award is:

 

1. Post the award logo/image on your blog
2. Thank whoever nominated you and give a link to their blog.
3. Mention the creator of the award and give a link as well.
4. Nominate 10–20 deserving bloggers and notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
5. Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; including one weird or funny question.

The rules for the Versatile Blogger Award state that you thank the blogger that nominated you, nominate 10 other bloggers (and a link to their blog) and list 7 interesting facts about yourself.

Firstly, lets answer the questions from Just Me

1.  Name one thing that you do that always feels right, no matter what.

In the words of Edgar Allen Poe, “With me poetry has not been a purpose, but a passion”

2.  
Where do you draw the most inspiration for your blog?

Life on the spectrum, depression, Fall Out Boy, and girls
3.  
Who is your favorite anti-hero and why?

Batman without a question. As an aspie, I really relate to his ability to do work from the shadows and be extremely focused and to the point.
4.  What is the inspiration behind the name of your blog?

It’s the summation of what you might call my writing. Nothing fancy here.
5.  And, finally, what is your favorite genre of music?

I really don’t have a favorite genre. I have favorite artists, but my tastes vary too much to like one specific genre. If I had to choose, it would be rock because of FOB. But I also admire Lecrae (rap), Lady Gaga (dance-pop), and Demi Lovato (pop rock).

 

Now, seven interesting facts about me..

1. The longest I’ve had a friend is four months.
2. I’ve drowned two smartphones
3. Live in Baltimore. Never had a crabcake.
4. Took voice lessons when I was eleven
5. Mandy Kay is my favorite model
6. I pulled out two teeth once because it was fun
7. Blonde girls are my type

My five questions for my nominees

1. Favorite country?
2. Stranded on an island and you can only have one thing, what is it?
3. Beyoncé or Rihanna?
4. How do you eat French fries: ketchup on top, or on the side?
5. Name one guilty pleasure

And, for the nominations…(to save time, the nominees are for each award)

https://theconfusedsoulsree.wordpress.com/

https://randomsbyarandom.wordpress.com/

https://chaosxdblog.wordpress.com/

https://missalexiskamille.wordpress.com/

http://www.anxietydepressionandme.com/

https://teaandtales1.wordpress.com/

https://manumausam.wordpress.com/

 

 

 

 

 

Blogger Recognition Award: Thanks For Choosing Me Over Everyone So Much Cooler

For the third time in less than a year, I’ve been nominated for the Blogger Recognition Award.

This time? By my friend over at Cocoons Are Sometimes Comfy. https://cocoonsaresometimescomfy.wordpress.com/2017/05/15/blogger-recognition-award-when-being-recognized-is-nice/ One of my favorites on WordPress, I’ve grown close to the words to this poet’s fantastic words and similarities regarding life on the autism spectrum. The stories are sometimes eerily similar to what I’ve gone through, and the resounding strength that speaks far after I close the page is rarely outdone. Thank you friend, you’re the real MVP (or however they say it on social media)

Anyway, the rules:

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
2. Write a post to show your award.
3. Give a brief story of how your blog started.
4. Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers.
5. Select 15 other bloggers for this award.
6. Comment on each blog to let them know you’ve nominated them and a link to the post you created.

My blog started back in late August of last year.  I had known about my aspergers for four years but had done little to do anything about it. WordPress has always been addictive to me, but this was different. And better. Blogging gave my voice some wheels, and the knowledge I gained from books (and soon other bloggers, like my sweet soul sister’s Laina, Beth, and more recently the wonderful voice behind Just Me) began to steer my life into the direction I never thought it would. I started opening up, and sharing my experiences (https://marylandpoetblog.wordpress.com/2016/11/07/an-aspergians-confession-part-one/), being honest about the struggles my condition gave me (https://marylandpoetblog.wordpress.com/2017/01/18/an-aspergians-chemical-romance/?wref=tp), and really just discovering my voice as (from what I’ve been told) a pretty damn good poet. Thanks to so many wonderful voices, I’ve learned more about myself, become a better person because of it, and in turn been able to shine light for others who were just like I was just a few years ago.

Two pieces of advice for you new bloggers. One, just post. Pressing “publish” is the hardest part, but once you do it, the momentum will carry you to wherever you want to go. Don’t make yourself do anything. Let it happen, and you will be surprised what becomes of it. Two, say thanks. There are COUNTLESS blogs, so the fact that someone took the time to read (and maybe comment/reblog) yours is very, very special. Ever since I started, I always remember to say thank you to my readers. It’s not hard to do, and doesn’t take much time. It shows you care about others.

Now, to my nominations….

https://silentfall.me/

https://femiiesther.wordpress.com/ (I will ignore her words “I  I can’t think of why so many people will like it” in reference to my favorite band)

https://solitudeinsilence.wordpress.com/

https://so352.wordpress.com/

https://unabashedautist.com/

https://secretpoetess.wordpress.com/

https://keelythecynicalrejectblog.wordpress.com/

 

 

 

 

Taking My Own Life

I just might give up

on life

maybe get reincarnated

and allowed to make it right

everywhere I go

people seem to be laughing

and everywhere I go

the masquerade is crashing

I’m not ten anymore, I can’t hide behind my family

I’m nearly an adult, even though I don’t want to be

I don’t feel like I’m ready

I . Don’t. Feel. Ready.

I can’t make friends, my family doesn’t even like me

“he’s not much fun to be around” I heard my mom say

and brother and sister agreed

“he hears more than you think he does”

that’s also true

and it’s why I hate you

uprooted me out of my home

never gave me a chance to adjust

and threw me a few miles north

become a man I must

or risk losing all I ever had

which was just pens, notebooks,

a nearly full writing pad

just over 225 blog posts, three award winning articles

and one published in the October 2015 Edition

of Teen Ink

but they never let me think

the way I was created to

they just expect me to function

the way they do

no wonder I fail, you stupid asshole

excuse the profanity

but I just can’t take it anymore

no space to be an Aspergian

no space to be me

but underground has plenty of room

that I’m sure you can see

the tension is rising, the anger turning me raw

my mouth bleeds

from the pressure of it all

I read works of other aspies

and see how they overcome

(thanks Laina, Beth, Marisa, Keely)

(I’m sure I’m forgetting some)

but they can’t solve my pain

they can’t give me a family

that understands my name

talk behind my back, just like my Dad did

but told me he was this terrible person

and here you are, pretending to be holier than thou

I guess that makes you worse, then

all I’ve ever wanted

all I’ve truly wanted

was a family who understands me

someone who hears me

and someone who loves me

for who I am

not what they want me to be

not what their eyes can see

I am autistic, but human first

please, let me live happily

God forbid I tell them

how I feel

they’ll just shrug it off

the weirdo at it again with another squeal

so I bury it deep inside

deep inside my bones

it’s rotting my mind

stealing my time

and taking me away from home

or maybe I want it to

take me away from them

they don’t know me, they never will

I can’t be free, so to this heart

can I kill?

 

 

Aspergers Will Always Be By Our Side

I need more routine

and less surprise

I need more notebooks

to keep track of my thoughts as time flies

I need more honesty

and less romance

I need you to shut up

and let me listen to Dance, Dance

I’ve dug trenches you’ll never see

to keep all the abuse you have given me

I write until there’s nothing left to share

and the energy used to crowd please leaves me threadbare

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by our side

I only write to you

to help you take back the time

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by your side

I only write to you

to take control of the lies

Brothers and sisters

in self-depreciation

believing the myths spun by deceivers

for many generations

unsure of where to go

with nowhere to run

the world is just too loud

so to skulls some put guns

you are the human you choose

not what the world decides you are

in a world hellbent on being on conformity

I stand on a hill from afar

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by our side

I only write to you

to help you take back the time

Oh no

I won’t go

Aspergers will always be by your side

I only write to you

to take control of the lies

Silent Wave won’t go

Cocoons are comfy won’t go

neither will Beth

or the Cynical Reject

every autistic, every aspergian

shout we won’t go

because we are what we love

not who loves us

 

 

 

Trapped In The Sex Trade

 

The clock ticks

5:06 does the time read

and in gathering her thoughts for what lay ahead

her heart did bleed

body worn

pleasing the fantasies of ravenous wolves

that only prey on innocent voices

who know not how strong they are

there’s only so many holes

the human body has to offer

but pockets must be filled

at the expense of her right and will

her day started

when she was fifteen

and ten years later

she’s yet to see moonlight

because she’s in the limelight

of physique and ability

so to men and women

everything is a possibility

how brave is the dove

young mother making nest in the city

fighting both raven and sparrow

to live in prosperity

she looks in the mirror everyday

and sees her time tick away

ten years ago, she was an A student

now she takes it up the A-hole for a living

ten years ago, she was a devout Christian

now she knows everything she does is sinning

money’s only an addiction

until you start feeling the friction

of all the people and places you’ve been missin’

because they were taken all away while you were livin’

beaten black and blue

without anywhere to run to

promise her another shot at life

she’ll take anything from you

 

(The sex trade is global, and it’s real. It’s a multi-billion dollar industry, and while it’s not talked about much, it affects the lives of millions of girls, and boys. Sexual exploitation is highly profitable in a sex-crazed world that’s lost much of its moral standards, but that doesn’t make it right. These children, teenagers, and adults don’t have a voice. I mean, they do, but how many of us are Liam Neeson and can find them? You wouldn’t believe who runs a child sex ring herself: Hillary Clinton. Bet NBC, Fox, CNN, and MSNBC won’t talk about that. But she “cares” about children, and she supports “women’s rights”. Don’t watch porn, it degrades our standards and proves to these sex traders that people need more and more sex. Watch out for your kids, especially your girls. Tell them they’re beautiful, tell them they’re amazing, that way when someone else does it they won’t believe them. Be aware. The three biggest sex trafficking states in the U.S are California, Texas, and Pennsylvania. Watch documentaries, read first hand accounts. Those caught in the sex trade are the tragedy nobody is brave enough to call a tragedy, because too much money is involved.)

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Twenty-One: I Do It For My Family, My Autistic Family

Each day I come in

and don my white apron

smile, and polite greetings

I step to the demons

and grit my broken teeth

leave them seething

each day I make change

empty powder-covered trays

and laugh at Mary’s favorite team

and their horrible receivers

I step to the establishment

and stab them in the face

out of shy autistics I make believers

every tip received

and check cashed

shows them how far I’ve come

I’ve aged pretty fast

not in years, really

but in confidence

in determination

and in courage

I don’t carry a chip on these shoulders

I carry the dead of Mount Everest

and quiet should your expectations stay

lest you trigger my sensitivity

and cause me to uncloak

the dreaded focus and commitment

that the profession continues to revoke

I work for my family

my autistic family

the ones with moths on their web pages

and female warriors, too

“Aspergian’s can’t work in customer service”

if only you knew

that I do it

to prove you wrong

I dance to the beat of my hand-flapping

foot-tapping

tell-tale autistic drum

and marching in the opposite direction

eventually gets you noticed

and soon others are eager

to sing along

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Fourteen: I Joined A (very meh) Aspergers Dating Site

Hey everyone, I’m back!

Over the last couple days, encouraged by talking with Beth from A Mile In My Shoes, I decided to join an Aspergers dating site. I’m a terrible match for all the neurotypical females I know (and if you disagree, chances are you’ve never met me),  so I figured why not try my hand at females like me.

I joined aspie-singles.com, and was actually quite excited, until I found out how few people are actually on the site. Just 803 right now (800 when I joined), and I’ve yet to see a female online. The most active members are all male. Safe to say, I’m disappointed so far. I hoped this would be my answer, but so far it looks to be another waste of time.

*heavy sigh*

Worse yet, I searched for females and got a very shocking number: 152. And the females in my age range? Too few to name. And worse yet, their accounts haven’t even been touched. This website, as I’m seeing, is not very popular, and the websites that actually have a real pool of people require you to be 18 to join. I guess I’ll have to wait a couple months before I get serious…*another heavy sigh*

To better my chances, I’ll look at some other sites…which brings up another thing, there aren’t a whole lot. I mean, I could join a regular dating site, but then that’s just like what I’m doing now in my daily life, only worse because it’s behind a computer screen.

In the meantime, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing. Nothing, basically, because it’s going to be nearly impossible to find anyone because I’m too reserved for my own good. And the ones I do actually like don’t live anywhere close to me. *another heavy sigh*

Good news from this week? I take the GED tomorrow and I’m getting published again on Spill Words.

 

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Nine: Saying Thanks To My Blogger Community

Until I discovered myself as a writer. Until I discovered my voice as an Aspergian poet. Until I realized the story I had to tell, I didn’t know who I was, what I was here for, and what life really meant. I was lost, but the blogging community became my home, and over the last year and a half, I’ve done a lot of growing up. I’ve taken a stand on various topics, and I’ve grown closer to other people with my condition. I wouldn’t have done it without you.

Michelle, you’ve been like a friend to me

and Tenacity, the funniest the Internet ever did see

Jonathan’s energy knows no bounds

and The Secret Poetess always comes around

Wallace Peach is sweeter than any fruit

And Nyx’s support makes the sadness moot

Marisa, Laina, and Beth

you’re the best writers I’ve ever known

and the grace, kindness, and tenacity you own

can’t be measured

and to Anna, anonymous as you may be

you give us a taste of the autistic reality

like the words of Charlie Zero and Sarah

Fantasy and Samantha

I’d hope to write like them

but that road is long

Alicia, Esther, Elm, Bethany

Emily, Ana, Monika, Anita

while I haven’t gotten to meet ya

I’m touched by the words you share

and I’ll never be normal

but for a moment, you take me there

to Brian Cook, I see how a man

should treat his wife

and I’m proud of you, as a soldier and a husband

that you know how to do it right

to Davy D, who with me from the start

and Rosema, sharing her beautiful heart

and hey Brian, your Packers

need a running back

and take a baseball bat to your defense

Belen, you shake up the sequence

of poetry on my reader

from the thought provoking work

of doubtpuppe, Jacob, and braveandreckless

to the fantastic imagery

of Dorinda, Sascha, and Jeanne

to my fans at Secret First Draft,

along with Daria, Heartafire, Jasper

Phobe, Denise, John Coyote, Katrina

your determination

is my inspiration

to be the best poet I can be

and every night

a little bit of my appreciation

is plain to see

and last, but certainly not least

is a gorgeous girl I have yet to meet

I thank my lucky stars for us crossing paths

cause you excite me more than anyone ever has

 

You all just don’t know how helpful you’ve been to me, and I’m so grateful to have people like you in my life, even if we are just behind computer screens.

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Five: Things I Love About Being On The Spectrum

Anxiety. Rigid thinking. Rigid acting. Inability to deal with sudden change. Aspergers gets a bad rep, in my opinion. Sure, I’ll probably never have any friends, and a future by myself seems more and more likely by the day, but that’s just one percent of life as an Aspergian. There are ALOT of benefits actually (don’t tell that to Autism Speaks), and tonight I’d like to share with you some of mine. If you’re on the spectrum, I want YOU to write what you enjoy most about being autistic in the comments below!

 Honesty: Being genuine is one of my favorite parts about aspergers. People can trust me because they know I’m going to do what I say I will. People can also come to me because I’ll give them honesty over something that makes them feel good.

 Attention to detail: Much to the chagrin of those very same aspergians (our inability to see the big picture is just as much of a curse as our attention to detail is a blessing), we are very good at details. I honestly don’t think I’d be a writer if I didn’t have aspergers, because the little things are what fuel my words.

 Focus: My family always points out (usually in a condescending way) how I can do the same things four hours and hours on end. And it’s true. The last two weeks, I’ve been working on a three-round NFL mock draft for the upcoming draft, and I’ve literally watched hours of tape and just as much in analyzing depth charts to plot team needs. This also helped me in school, because I could put my head and work for hours without much guidance. Safe to say, I owe much of my success to aspergers.

 Commitment: If only the girls that I liked knew this….sigh

Anyway, I am extremely committed. I hate not doing something all the way through, and I will go above and beyond to see the job done. Next month, I’ll be leading a tour as part of a project in my teen art group at the Walters. We needed a flyer/slogan, and guess who wrote it before the meeting was over? This one. Aspergians may be terrible team players, but give me a pen and some silence, and I’ll shake you out your shoes.

 Non-conformity: This may just come natural to aspergians, but I just refuse to do what everyone else does. During the first teen art council meeting after Donald Trump won the presidency, I was the only one in support of him. I had read about the countless crimes of Hillary Clinton (the child sex ring was most heinous), and I could not stand for her. I’m too young to vote, but I’m not too young to influence, and I refused to support someone who’s okay with hurting children for money. It didn’t make me any friends, but it did show that I can think for myself. This gets me in trouble in social situations, but I will not make small talk for the sake of making small talk. It’s useless to me, and I don’t care if you don’t like me if I don’t do it. As my favorite musician said: “I don’t care what you think as long as it’s about me.”

 Passion: I love what I do. I love writing. I love being in my art group. I love working at my job. And I love responding to poetry prompts on Twitter. And the biggest part? People can tell. To me, it’s more than just “going through the motions”. Once I start doing something, I get involved. I started posting poetry based on paintings in the Walters after I joined my art group, and I think you all loved the post with the pictures of donuts I did. As an Aspergian, if I’m in, I’m ALL IN. This would be great if I had a relationship…

 

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Four: Things That Make Me Anxious

 

As an Aspergian, anxiety is easily my biggest problem. From sudden things like a last minute schedule change to watching your city burn thanks to mindless thugs that the media deem “peaceful rioters”. Even things that I do regularly can be a source of anxiety, like my weekly Teen Art Council meetings. How people perceive my aspergian tendencies, and how I try to blend in a world that seems to be always staring are thoughts I have all the time. In this month of “awareness”, I figured I’d talk about what makes me anxious. (If you’re on the spectrum, I’d like you to tell me what makes YOU anxious in the comments below.)

Last minute anything: Since I live extremely anxious, anything last minute is awful for me. It’s why I hate surprises, even good ones (like on your birthday). Schedule changes also make my head hurt, because I have to suddenly rework what I was going to do. I know, “sudden change is part of the real world”, but so is aspergers and the anxiety that comes with it.

Horror movies: I can’t watch movies with extreme blood and gore. Since I think the worst of any and everything and everybody, I used to have terrible dreams as a kid (and occasionally, nowadays) that someone would torture me and feed me to ghosts, just to reincarnate me and do it all over again. The fear was real…

New foods: I literally eat the same thing everyday, all the time. If you took me to a restaurant that I’d never been to before, I’d pick the closest thing to what I normally eat, and eat nothing else. My routines are rigid as hell (aspergers 101), and breaking them gives me headaches. My family always asks why I get the same thing when we eat out.

Scraping metal pans: Ever run a knife or fork across the bed of an iron pan or skillet? That sounds literally made me cry as a kid, and I could never figure out why. I’m super sensitive to sound, and that is my most hated sound. Just thinking about it makes my skin tingle.

New people: Regardless of whether they’re good or bad, any new person makes me anxious. Making a good impression, learning about them, figuring out who and what they are, wondering if (based upon age) if they’re interested in me…all of that is really, really hard on me. I’ve gotten better, because a few years earlier, I might have never even talked to people. I blew off a lot of people back then.

Phone calls: One of my secret fears, phone calls have always been hard on me. Even if I know the person, phone calls are always a struggle. Not knowing what they may or may not say, because I can’t tell by their body language. There’s this girl I’m (trying) to be friends with, and I call her every few days…a lot of times I won’t say anything because I get so anxious. And speaking of that…

Girls: I guess it’s because I have more in common with most guys than most girls. I can talk to any guy (for the most part), but put a girl in the room and I lose all sense of grip on the human language. I stutter a lot, and I stop speaking mid sentence (more often than not) because I get so anxious. I know it has to make me look stupid, but I can’t help it. And, Lord help me if I actually like the girl…that actually makes it worse. That’s why I stopped trying to make girl-friends, because the anxiety I’d feel at the time outweighed the potential benefits of having her as a friend. Maybe you’d consider that shortsighted, but if you were on this side, I bet my bottom dollar your opinion would change.

I guess that’s why I seem better on social media and on WordPress, because if face to face I really, really struggle talking with people. I normally just talk at them. You know, eye contact and all.

Heights: I’m afraid of them. Period.

Gatorade: If you laughed, it’s fine with me, because I think it’s crazy too. But I really hate this drink. I had it once I felt like throwing up, and of course, my brain associated this drink with bad feelings, so now I can’t stand the sight of them.

Friendships and marriage: This is probably why I’ll have neither. Friendships make me anxious because I don’t know how to even be friends with someone…I mean, care about someone’s thoughts and feelings, listen to them, and do things with them, but other than that I’m pretty clueless. And marriage? Ha ha ha I couldn’t imagine anyone even wanting to, and nevermind how stressful that would be. I wouldn’t even know the first place to start.

I hoped you enjoyed my list, and tomorrow (or Saturday), I’ll have a list of things that I love about being on the spectrum.