Autism Awareness Month Post Sixteen: Crying On The Couch Because Aspergers Holds Me Back

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Head throbbing

stories in my head keep reoccurring

waking up is always a struggle

because life is a tussle

between anxiety and responsibility

desire and mental makeup

consistency and wish for a shake up

family, coworkers, strangers

they’re all the same

they don’t see the wave, they don’t know the pain

but they never could

and I don’t wish they would

the wave is silent, and it swallows

the water is deep, and I wallow

“drowning the tears of this Aspergian rain”

I once said, and say again

the silence drives me insane

past people I love, towards people I hate

past things I’d never emulate, yet do everyday

white as the winter, black as the summer

I stand out among the crowd

hoping not to be seen

keeping low, not to make a sound

narrow as her waist, straight as her hair

I’m to anxious to join you

and I won’t go anywhere

the jet black crow mocks my days

and I hurl stones at him

get out of my way

but I am the crow

you are the stone

I tell myself I’m okay

into your hands I play

only to be cast aside at the light of day

through self-depreciation

I raise you up

and I lower the white flag

at your approval

 

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Autism Awareness Month Post Eight: I’ve Got Troubled Thoughts, And A Self Esteem To Match

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One of my favorite Fall Out Boy lyrics, “I’ve got troubled thoughts and a self esteem to match” matches perfectly with my inner dwellings as someone with Aspergers. I’ve always had issues with doubt, confidence, poise, and joy. I mean, it’s hard to believe in yourself when every time you go out you laugh at something serious, and then miss a simple joke. It’s hard to hold your head high when you’ve grown up with people laughing at you,  believing you’ll never amount to anything.

Eventually, you try to take some action, either good or bad. I thought about committing suicide, clearly the wrong choice, but I wouldn’t be the first, and sadly, I wouldn’t have been the last. There’s not enough aspergian voices out there. The lovely Marisa Ulrich, Beth at amileinmyshoes, and Laina at The Silent Wave are some of the greatest voices I’ve ever heard, but we need more. So for my eight post of Autism Awareness Month, I wrote a poem some of things I’ve had to fight internally as an aspergian.

 

I know I’m ugly

but I wake up everyday

I know I’m shy

but I give my all on Friday afternoons

I know by BMI is too high

but I sweat it out every night

in tears, in words

I pen the pain

in the sun, in the rain

to make this soul feel good again

if you could see inside this heart

you’d know, you’d know

if you could see inside this heart

you’d know the flow

of this autistic mood

and coming soon to screens near you

is an Aspergian

with a chip on his shoulder

the size of Boulder

Colorado

and hidden under shyness and fears

is a growing bravado

beyond my years

born and raised

by those who still don’t know

why sometimes I’m fast

and why sometimes I’m slow

why I can have thousands of followers

who’ve never seen my face

yet fail to make friends

whom I see face to face

why I can write poetry

that can bring a room to its feet

yet fail to notice her smile

and hands, ready to reach

why I go through all of this

I don’t know

so many have taken their lives to be free

that I know

yet here I am

day after day

trying to learn new tricks

and maybe make a friend, or two

one day

I’ll understand it all

but for now, I’ll keep writing

and pouring out this heart

and thanking all you commenters

who in this journey take a daily part

keep calling that girl,

despite the bad reception

and maybe build up

a long lasting connection

for now, I’ll keep living

for all those

too afraid to speak

the dark words that condemn

the profession

 

Autism Awareness Month Post Six: Songs I Go To When I’m Sad

Part of being an Aspergian is the constant mood swings. One minute, I’m happily doing something, and in the next I’m punching holes into walls (I did as a kid. I was a really angry kid.) Other times I start crying for no apparent reason, only to start watching Family Guy and burst into laughter when Peter knocks all Brian’s teeth out. The thing I love to do most when I’m down is listen to music, and there some certain songs that turn me around the best. If you’re on the spectrum, name the songs that YOU like to listen to when you’re having a bad day in the comments below!

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Whitney Houston’s rendition of the Star Spangled Banner: I know this isn’t a song, but her voice is so beautiful, so powerful, it really lightens my mood. It’s a damn shame we lost her.

 

Sent By The Father, Ray Boltz: I’m not a Christian, or a big fan of their music (I find it hideous, actually), but Boltz’s passion is evident from the first word. How can you not be lifted by the truth in Christ coming down and rescue us from sin?

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Dance, Dance, Fall Out Boy: This song is so fun to sing, and have you tried doing the dance from the video? The sexual overtones may deter the younger listener, but for me, I love the lyrics “I don’t wanna forget how your voice sounds. These words are all I have, so I write them. So you need them just to get by.”

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Thriller, Fall Out Boy: This song is not only the perfect beginning to their greatest album, but it also speaks to me at a personal level. Citing their rise to prominence, I think of how I’ve risen too, from a shy kid to a published author, and the lines “cry on the couch all the poets come to life, fix me in forty-five” are just stunning.

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I Don’t Care, Fall Out Boy: If it isn’t obvious, I’m a big FOB fan. Mainly, because of the lyrical genius, and as a poet, I can appreciate that to a degree others wouldn’t. Besides, as a social outcast, I gain strength from the lyrics “I don’t care what you think, as long as it’s about me”. Patrick Stump himself said he’s a shy guy, so I relate to him as well.

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Confident, Demi Lovato: One, she’s my Queen. Two, it confirms everything I ever thought about Demi. I knew she was edgy for a while, but this song (and album in general) confirms it. While I don’t agree with all her political stances, I love artists that don’t just talk about being different, but back it up in song. What really is wrong with being confident? Whether that’s in public, or in the quiet corners of your home, it’s a message that can speak to anyone.

 

Knew You Were Trouble, Taylor Swift: I genuinely don’t even like Swift, mainly due to her craziness and the repetitive nature of her songs (singing about your latest breakup gets boring after a while), but I’ve liked this one for a while. Rather than just saying how bad the boy is, she blames herself too. “Shame on me now…”

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My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark, Fall Out Boy: The very first FOB song I ever heard, I love this because it (along with every album since) is a brand new sound from my boys from Chicago. Whenever I feel down, I just scream the chorus “Light em up up up, light em up up up I’M ON FIRE”. It’s quite satisfying.

 

Reflection, Christina Aguilera: Okay, this song hits me in the feels every time, but it’s also thought provoking while being beautifully sung. (P.S her haircut in the music video is hot)

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(All of Folie Et Deux, but mainly) Coffee’s For Closers:

I don’t know why I gravitated towards this song, and this album (the fans hated it, which is why they rarely ever play songs from it sadly) really, but I can’t stop listening. It’s arguably my favorite of all their songs, and between the lyrics, vocals, and violin solo at the end, it’s perfection in a bottle.

“Fly your cameras in the air, and wave ’em like I just don’t care. I will never believe in anything again…”

(I liked doing this so much, I might do a post compiling my favorite songs of all time)