Questioning

I feel like I question myself more now

Trying things they don’t seem to think matter

I feel like the worst thing I can do sometimes

Is nothing

So I do something, anything, just to get myself

Going

Somewhere, the buttons line up

And the smiles sign the dotted line

I’m not very good at making friends

But it’s not as if I’ve ever been

So I never fail to achieve unrealistic goals

And the ones I reach have meaning

Because I know that each smile

Is one I didn’t know I had inside me

Until now I didn’t realize how happy I could be

I’m so speechless, I’m so free

I think I’m writing less

Because I’m enjoying

Everything I used to write to avoid

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National Poetry Month, Day One (Yes, I Know I’m Behind 😂)

My freedom?

The color of my skin?

Living in freedom from oppression?

Up in flames

My neighborhood

Under the weight of drugs and wayward cops

Lack of fatherly eyes to watch the kids

Up in flames

Sinister ministers don’t tell us the truth

Taking our rent, taking our checks

For a promise we’ll never see

Up in flames

Futures go, windows close

Nobody sees, nobody knows

And we’re told Cardi B is the way to go

Up in flames

My brothers, sisters, they’re dying

My fathers, mothers, ain’t lying

We don’t know where we’re going but

Up in flames

FINALLY: PUBLISHED

Z Publishing House recently released the Maryland, Carolinas, and Virginia edition of their Americas Emerging Poets of 2018 series, and I WAS PUBLISHED IN IT!

It’s truly been an incredible journey, and one full of disappointments and thoughts I might not ever reach this goal. Since I started writing at the age of 13, I hoped to have my words in a book. Through my own personal blog that I’ve run for nearly three years, countless writers groups, endless books, and hundreds of poems (many of which were terrible), I’ve discovered and re-discovered a part of me that I never knew I had. Now i never knew how I lived without it. For those that follow me on here, Instagram, and other venues that have published my words (SpillWords, Teen Ink, Blood Into Ink, Go Dog Go Cafe, and many others), thank you for always supporting me and encouraging me to keep writing. Even when it was hard, even when I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. If you don’t mind taking a look, and maybe even buying, I would greatly appreciate it!

Needles and The Need For You

Last weekend, I put out a call for writing collaborations to pass the time during what’s been a fairly wet and somewhat dreary time of year. I haven’t done too many collabs (although that’s something I really wanted to change). Fortunately, I know a few good writers not only here but through my Instagram page. One of my favorites, Emily Hayes (who goes by E.R. Hayes on her insta), was eager to join forces. We wound up writing three distinct pieces, and I was thrilled to write and discuss words feedback. Her bio is short but poignant, as she states I’m just a 17 year old trying to make a positive impact on the world through my writing. I always applaud fellow young writers who want to leave their mark through words, especially when they’re as talented as Emily. You can find more of her fantastic words here Emily Hayes. This piece is the third of a three part series. You can read the first here, Death Plays a Quivering Chord

(Emily)

Bundles of needles protrude from my skull

In deep incisions

My left arm is crimson, my self worth

Is missing, the IV is dripping

The doctors won’t listen and you’ve never

Listened, so nothing is different

Well, some things are different like

The migraine that lingers

But I’m sure you’ll say I made it up

Because you never figure

I’ll never have the confidence to pull the

Trigger

But what if I do? What if I do?

What would you do if I added a bullet to

The group of throbbing needles?

What would you feel? What would you

Feel?

Would you care if my porcelain skin lay in

Pieces?

I don’t think you’d care, since you’ve never

Cared

But I know I care and since I care, instead

Of dying I’ll lie in despair

(Me)

Surprise, surprise I never do die

I’m lying in between heaven and hell

I just fall away from the antisocial social media

I deprive myself of the Facebook and Twitter

And do an about face regarding words I say

My left arm is tied to my outside, my self worth gone awry

Fulfilled by everyone else’s wishes, not mine

My right arm is tied to my inside, conscience

Smiling goodbye

Rejected by everyone else’s wishes, not mine

But what if I did, for a moment

Follow my own ambitions, what would change

What if I decided to let the others fall away

Like the blood from the IV I’ve cut loose

I grip the edge of the bed and stare out

Into the empty hallway, no longer in doubt

Their screams to lie back down fall down

Around my bare feet gripping wet tiles

I can finally see what I have to do

And it entails all of me, and none of you

I know you don’t care now that I’m free

Wanting to be a slave to you and me

I know If I live I will surely die

But if I die I will finally let the other live

The other me

Let’s Collaborate!

Just wanted to say how excited I was to be interviewed by Ericka Arthur last week as part of her #WriterCrushWednesday feature. Taking the time to answer her questions was quite the pleasure.

You can read the full interview here: https://authenticiteespeaks.com/2018/05/16/meet-poet-devereaux-frazier-an-aspergians-chemical-romance/

Back in February, I teamed up with the Brianna, daughter of the fabulous Michelle Cook, to write “Running to Who from Where” (https://herwritinghaven.com/2018/02/12/running-to-who-from-where/).

Then in March, I joined forces with Christine Ray, Basilike Pappa, Eric Syrdal, Nicholas Gagnier, Megha Sood, Sarah Dougty, Kindra Austin, Michael Erickson, Steven Fuller, and John Leys in a poem after the Parkland Shooting (https://braveandrecklessblog.com/2018/02/20/we-cannot-look-away-not-another-17-not-another-one/).

They were two of my favorite poems I’ve written this year not only because I felt strongly about my part, but that I got to do my favorite thing with people who enjoy doing the same. Writing can be seen sometimes as lonesome, but that’s only if it make it so. This past year, I’ve been expanding my writing content and trying new things. One of the these is collaborations. I’ve only done a couple, but I’m really purposing to do more. A lot more. I feel like I make stronger statements, and connect better with writers and purposes I care about.

So, this is pretty much me saying “If you want to collab with me, here’s your chance!” I’m open to writing about any sort of topic, and if you choose to collaborate I’ll post it on both of my blogs and all social media.

Don’t everybody reply at once 😂😂😂😂😂

We Cannot Look Away: Not Another 17, Not Another One

I am grateful to be part of such an incredible collective of writers. They’re not just writers, though, but intellectually vibrant thinkers. Their words move mountains, and hopefully our voices will finally call those responsible to justice. Maybe then we will truly have peace.

This piece is our call to action in light of the Parkland violence…

Just another day
just another town
bullet perforated backpacks
spilling loose-leaf lined paper, textbooks
onto blood stained sidewalks
helicopters hovering
to give us the birds eye view
I tried to avert my eyes
out of respect for the dead
the injured
but I could not look away
Christine Ray

Even though I should
Because I am ashamed
At the bullets that rain
At the bullet point pain
Etched in their faces, rivulets in their eyes
They were just children, stolen from their time
Not forgotten in these lines
But to their parents and loved ones
It’s a void they’ll never fill, and it shouldn’t
Lives shredded and ruined
17 times we’ve gotten the chance to do better
and for the 18th, we blew it
Just like those children who looked at their killer

Their killer is not Nikolas

The Killer is you
Devereaux Frazier

Seventeen blossoms
seventeen blinks of an eye
seventeen bullets in the body of spring
and those left behind
food to flashback phobias
memory outbursts
numbing
Spring won’t be coming
in a town far away
in a country across the sea
right next to me
Basilike Pappa

Running
Running for class president
Running for the Varsity Football Team
Running to get in line for a movie they can’t wait to see
Running to embrace someone they love
Running and laughing with siblings or friends
Running to get to the dance floor before their favorite song ends
Running for exercise
Running for fun
They should never be running from the thunder of a gun
We’re destroying our future for profit and gain
While they run for their lives
And we’re left with questions and pain
Eric Syrdal

Look away, little bird.
The sky has adjourned, rejecting your flight path
well into wrath.
hell hath no fury like the anger turned apathy, semi-automatic rhapsody that plays on
the overhead speaker that once freed us
from maths.

It doesn’t add up, the physics, social studies, introduction to business, life and
death 101.

Nothing could prepare us for the words we don’t have.
Nicholas Gagnier

Lives swung into darkness
and voices numbed
Eyes losing hope
and
Blood on the hands, soul
screams and tears everywhere

Deafening silence of the death
and roaring sound of the violence
life stripped of its happiness
and tears losing the feeling

Yet again, My heart is hopeful
Lips in unison with the prayers
Trying to calm my self down
Thinking It won’t happen again

But deep down inside
I know we all are living in denial.
Megha Sood

Spare me your
thoughts and prayers.
Spare me your
people-kill-people babble.
Seventeen more names
added to a statistic
that will never be used.
So, by all means,
let’s keep sending
millions of dollars a year
to powerful people
in exchange for turning
a blind eye.
Proving over and over again
that dollars mean more
than lives.
Sarah Doughty

Seventeen more reasons we grieve.
Seventeen more reasons we’re
broken as a nation.
Seventeen more reasons we must
rise up
a giant against apathy, and
negligence—
willful ignorance.
Destroy the dissidence.
End the agenda of greed.

Our freedoms are not free—
seventeen more innocent souls sacrificed.
Kindra M. Austin

True horror has unfolded,
We watch on glowing screens of disbelief.
With the voices of innocents ringing in our ears,
Fingers swipe it all away.
As others moved on with their day,
I could not look away.

Grief, pain, disbelief,
All right there, before our eyes.
Yet one headline replaces the next,
That gut wrenching sadness suddenly replaced.
As the topic changes to something else,
I could not look away.

Where is our humanity,
I ask as society moves on from this butchered elephant in the room.
Can’t we just stop and think,
Acknowledge the death, the suffering, the wrongness.
Another day will come and go, setting on our community,
We cannot look away.

Doomed to repeat this dreadful fate,
We need to choose to change.
Insanity is as insanity always does,
As we continue to place ammunition with malignant intent.
What can I do, the individual, the lone soul, this:
I will not look away.
Michael Erickson

We
Only
Have ourselves
To blame for this
Again and again
An unsolved tragedy
We must hold ourselves to task
For every death. Every child
Like spent shells fallen to the ground
Souls adrift to haunt those who do not act –
Who do not act again and again and again
I cannot look away again, again, again
Again
Again
Again
Again
Again, again, again, again, I cannot look away, not again.
Stephen Fuller

I cannot look away
From the train wreck shit show
This country has become,
Where cash in a senator’s pocket
Outweighs the blood of our children,
Where losing your ‘right’ to own an assault rifle
Is more an abomination
Than Children being murdered in school
Than human beings dying at a concert in Vegas
Than parents burying their babies.
The blood on your hands will not wash away.
I’m with you in Parkland!
Where kids call presidents out on their bullshit.
I’m with you in Parkland!
Where they won’t let hypocrites hide.
I’m with you in Parkland!
Where they call BS on the lies.

I’m with you in Parkland!
John W. Leys

Remembering My 2017

Well, it’s almost here. Another day, another year. I accomplished a lot in 2017. Some things were expected, but others were pleasant surprises. Here’s the highlights…

My writing took a big leap this year, ending with Kendall Person naming me the best blog he discovered in 2017. My blog also saw a big jump, and I’m so grateful to all my dedicated readers for their continued love and support.

However, the biggest development in my life was starting my job at Mary’s Gourmet Coffee and Donuts. Starting in March, I’ve been so happy working for two incredible women, Mary Stoltfus and Juana Sweigart.

I wouldn’t be who I am today without them, because this job showed me the value of teamwork, honest communication, friendship, focus, and leadership that every man needs. The work may not be full-time, but the lessons are, and I’ve grown so much. Shout-out to Juana’s son, Mike, as he’s been a fun coworker from the start. Even when I lost a bet during the season and had to wear Steelers attire. I also want to say to Bree, Sadie, Katelyn, Kelcie, Esther, Haley, Ryan, Mandie, Phares, Matthew, Sabrina, Diane, Serena, and Sandra that you’re the best coworkers I could have. Especially during my Bristol visits, I felt welcomed and comfortable and even better because of the people I had around me. I hope we can continue to work together, and here’s to an even better 2018. 

Looking back at the things I did, and people I spent 2017 with, I can say without a doubt it was a fantastic year. There were so many laughs (thanks Rosa!). There was so much I couldn’t put it all here. I’m thankful to everyone who I came across this year, because in one way or another, you made me better. 

Mystery Blogger Award: You’ve Been Nominated!

I’ve been nominated for the Mystery Blogger Award, this time by  Jamie. Her blog, a very colorful and informative page on life with Aspergers (near and dear to my heart), is one of my all-time favorites and is a joy to read.

The award was created by  Okoto Enigma and you would be remiss not to check other work as well!

The rules for this award

* Put the award logo in your blog.
* List the rules
* Thank the person who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
* Mention the creator of the award and provide a link to their blog too.
* Tell your readers three things about yourself.
* Nominate 10-20 people for the same award.
* Notify the nominees by commenting on their blog.
* Ask your nominees 5 questions of your choice and one weird/funny question.
* Share links to your best posts.

Three things about me:

1. Flirting makes me hungry
2. I just completed the GTA V storyline and its hands down the best game I’ve ever played
3. My two favorite women on Earth

My best posts (in my opinion, because obviously other people might like other ones more)

Chemical Romance

Never Ending Love

Cure For Autism, Part One

Cure For Autism, Part Two

Lake Of Loneliness

My nominees

https://mademoisellewomen.com

https://autistichockeygirl54.wordpress.com

https://keelythecynicalrejectblog.wordpress.com/

https://abrokenbluesky.wordpress.com

https://americanbadassactivists.org

https://justelm.wordpress.com

https://nofacewoman.wordpress.com

https://prettykooldame.com

https://bythemightymumford.wordpress.com

https://annjekins.wordpress.com

Feeling moderately lazy, so I’m not going to hit up everyone’s blog page. If you feel like doing it, great, but if not, just know I really appreciate what you do here on WordPress.

Life on the Gluten free/Casein free diet, Weekend Worries (CHIEFS FOOTBALL IS BACK)

Thursday, September 7th

8:42 am

Since starting the diet on Tuesday, I’ve felt pretty good about myself. Working around donuts, sandwiches, and seemingly all the pastries in the world will not be easy today. Although the bakery across from our stand does have gluten free options, I don’t work for them, so I don’t get them at a discount. Anyhow, the first few hours will feel like torture. I like to nibble on our apple fritter bites in between customers and on my lunch break, so saying no will take considerable fortitude.

Honestly, though, I feel like once work is over, I’ll be okay. The benefit to not being big on eating out is that I won’t be constantly surrounded by foods I can’t eat. Also, I still kinda get my way because chicken is okay. Just not breaded chicken. Or chicken with a lot of sauce.

9:41

Damn it. Made it to work, and I’m reconsidering the ease of this. Gotta stare at donuts until four. Gotta smell sandwiches until four. Gotta watch people eat delicious, gluten laden food until four. Sigh. Hopefully I can make it till my lunch break, and I might grab…some…something.

2:38pm

Whoo. So far, so good. The first forty five minutes or so were utter torture, but after that the desire basically just dissapeared. At least until one my customers came up and started chatting about pretzel dogs. Anyhow, I’m starving. Just a few more hours to go, and I’ll be out of here.

4:27pm

Forget it. I gave in and got myself an eggplant wrap. (I went the whole day without eating one donut, though. So, progress?) It’s so delicious to eat, but I feel kinda bad giving in this early. My head started buzzing right before I left, so that might be what they call withdrawal. Anyhow, I’m going to enjoy this food during tonight’s game. After seven long months, I’m super excited to see my boys in action. Hopefully, unlike the last time I saw them play, we emerge victorious.

Friday, September 8th

8:22am

I didn’t even eat the wrap I got last night. I gained a slightly uncharacteristic urge of strength and decided to keep my streak strong. Working again today, but since we’re far busier on Friday than Thursday, I’ll have an added distraction.

9:22am

THE CHIEFS WON. Beat the living —- out of the Patriots defense, putting up over five hundred yards, including two touchdown passes from Alex Smith of 75 and 78 (to rookie back Kareem Hunt and WR Tyreek Hill, respectively). Vegas had us as nine point underdogs, so it made perfect sense for us to beat the defending champs at their house 42-27. We got three fourth quarter sacks, two of which came on one drive courtesy Justin Houston. We had 14 penalties, so it wasn’t perfect. Eric Berry also might have torn his achilles (crying) so last night wasn’t all cheers. I feel bad for him, because he was playing so well. We’ve got ten days before our next game against Philly, so I’m praying the MRI comes back negative. People are laughing at me on Facebook because I posted “Patriots about to pull away, good game Chiefs” back in the second quarter, when we got down 17-7. Safe to say I didn’t even expect my boys to win.

2:11pm

Still going strong. It’s really, really hard to resist the urge, especially considering its staring me right in the face. Eating some wings on my lunch break.

4:34pm

Today did not provide the rush I anticipated asb distraction, but it didn’t matter. My head is throbbing, and everything hurts more than usual.

Saturday-Today, 5:15

Not eating bread and sugar has been made fairly easy thanks to my homebody personality. If it’s not in the house, there’s little chance I’m going to run across it. Eating pumpkin and flax seeds (recommended diet foods) has really cleared up my head, and my headaches even stopped. If you read my post last night, you’d know how closely linked stomach issues and autism are, and since going on my diet, my lower body feels better than ever! The aches and pains are starting to go away, and constipation is nonexistent. I’m also not as tired as usual, which I was having a problem with over the last couple months (I nearly overslept on my lunch break a couple times). I am craving pizza like hell, but there’s no gluten free pizza places nearby. Listening to “Jet Pack Blues” while I write this…..

 

My Blogging Anniversary: Re-living WordPress Users Who Left Something Special

Today marks one year since Creative Writing of a Teenage Aspergian became part of the world wide web. I’ve discovered my voice with you, and have become a bigger voice in the autism community. It wouldn’t have been possible without your support, so as a way of saying thank you, here are the best bits of inspiration I’ve gotten over the last year.

 

 

Here’s to a great 2017 and beyond!