Here I Go,Once Again

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There’s a time

When I sit down

Stop writing

I look at the cuts

On my wrist

Razorblade cuts

On my neck

And staring at my words

Wondering why

I do this

Why I tell you

What only god knows

Breathing slowly

Despite rapid heartbeats

Why I love her

Or hate her

It depends on the name

Why I struggle with you

Then hit it off

With them

Or why I even bother

Telling you

Where I’m going

We’re all going

To the same place

When we die

Maybe it’s because

I’m not good

At anything else

Or because writers

Get girls

Or money

(sometimes neither)

Maybe I just like

Listening to myself talk

Or maybe it’s something else

Suddenly I remember

Who’s reading this

And I pick up my pen

Once again

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Contempt For Much (Most Of Which Is Me)

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light sprinkles

of rain hardly dampen

my desire for words

darkness brings them to life

storms and calamity set the stage right

and lightning crashes bring the light

my veins pulse and pound

from a heart that can’t contain what I love

brewing with contempt for so much

most of which is me

silent teenager with flash rages for grenades

don’t touch me

falling inside the cracks

brimming with tears from an unwanted past

and a seldom accepted future

alone

together with my dreams

that I can’t make come true

watch him sail off

a starship aloft with you

I’m still stuck in gravity

mind warps are boils anew

too much black and blue

to ever come true

and when I do

they leave

and I achieve

what the misunderstood have always

attention

but in the worst

possible

way

I’m no human

but a trial

so put the bunsen burner to my soul

and let me join my fellow spirits

somewhere they can’t get me

ever again

 

Lies Swirl Down Your Throat

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I don’t ever take credit

for what I do

I won’t ever take credit

for what I’ve done

I’m just a sinner like you

under the eyes of a watchful sun

broken and bewildered

I claw at every day

one day I’ll break the ribbon

one day, when I find my way

compliments can fall

for hours they may laud

but as long as I’m true to myself

I’m free from it all

Stares don’t ignite

anxious flames alight

foul tempers run amuck

but in carefully placed glances are stuck

because I’m not who I was

this time last month

so kiss that bottle

and let the lies swirl down your throat

because they choke at my indignation

in the rear view goes their exclamation

I feel free from the weight

and they can never hold me down

because while I feel alone

my friends aren’t far now

when the reign is on a rout

stillness comes on a single cloud

and confidence is restored

hear me loud

 

When You Don’t Know

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ashamed

don’t know what to write

I feel stronger and weaker

every single time

the world gets darker

hope sinks farther

and all the while I fail

at ever being normal

this obsession becomes regression

when I struggle so plainly

maybe I’m no good

maybe I’m no good

or maybe I struggle to do what I should

even when it’s in plain sight

struggle to stay within the lines

they pick and prod my mind

I want to be alone this time

but they don’t get it

some things can’t be quit

and they come back every time you cleanse

cause the only true cleanse

is the one of death

but who’s ready to do that

Sometime Long Ago

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sometime long ago

when the house was always hot

and I’d stare out the windows 

to taste the tip of a glorious breeze

or when the winter snows came

and I’d bury my head underneath comforters

and watch Jamaal Charles highlight videos

sometime long ago

when I was skinny, reckless, and angry

and I’d stare at the plaster pour

from the walls I’d beat senseless

until I was sure they felt as much pain as I

or when I had ignored my anxious tendencies

and my parents scolded me for something I couldn’t control

when I cried until my nose ran red

and I was sure I had a pussy instead of a penis

sometime long ago

when I refused to go out

I’d miss god, family, and the restoration of Jerusalem

if it meant I didn’t have to show my face

mu ugly, zitty, scar-ridden face

or when people would talk to me

and I’d just look away

hoping, praying, that if I ignored them enough

they would go away

sometime long ago

when I didn’t know who you were

and I’d spend my nights looking at women

I never should have known

I was like, six, and I just didn’t know

it’s okay to look at pretty women, right world?

I’m 18 and now I see

the pain of my past will always live with me

watching my father leave

friends leave

my world is always collapsing

 

now I realize

that sometime long ago

can be just that

if you close your eyes

let the scars burn

the blood dissolve

eventually the cocoon falls off

and what’s left is the most beautiful

butterfly anyone’s ever saw

 

 

 

 

Telescopic Nod Into My Mind

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darkness falls over me

as I write away the day

the poet inside grows louder

don’t mock the God’s with your success

likes and views will fail before heaven

write about how I’ve strayed

and the women I’ve watched before midnight

blackness calms the raging nerves

still anxious from the day’s work

the temptation to stray away from these words is great

but short on worth

words circle my head like vultures

above the dead

I am the dead

I am dead

and the words are what make me

rhymes and lines are the only magic of my life

everything else facade and fabrication

autistic misrepresentation and African American limitation

the words you read of mine

are the telescopic nod into my mind

but I don’t always write the truth

shame from the youth

hides me from you

you think you’re ready

but if only you knew

I write about the pain here and there

but the scars don’t go anywhere

I pick at the wounds this moment now

crimson lines drip from the brow

and onto the page which I lay my heart

these poems are my life

but they tear it apart

Locked Up Memory (Content Warning)

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take out your wrist

no, all the way

stick me with all your pain

your depression, anxiety, and marital struggles

drown me in the empty bottles

suck me off to make it all go away

it’s okay, I’ll just sit and take it

look at the window, there goes my summer

fall, winter, and spring

you wake up fresh and clean

while I hide under filthy sheets

I can’t let my friends see

the disaster that’s become me

you’ll never let me be

jacking off to your insanity

I plead the fifth while you corrupt me

it’s been obvious to them

but I can’t see

through the semen spewing at me

and the empty glances that demand another dance

pouring out my heart

at the feet of your fables

I look normal but I’m developmentally disabled

cause I’m just not able

to tell you that I don’t care

I just stare at your ugly teeth

fake hair

cover those fake tits I see those purple veins

call me deranged

but I when I feel a certain kind of way

when I think of the light

closing in on these inglorious days

I think of how I was raised

so I take the leftover lemonade

and stuff it in my heart

people who love me can’t even see it today

I save it when I need a reprieve

from all the pain

 

 

Trapped In A Cage Of My Own Making

 

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no words are said

but you know what I’ve done

I could try to hide, try to run

but I’d be wasting our time

I might as well confess

then at the crest of the truth

I sink down and swallow

Another green lie

Another blue deception

I’m falling for you out of desperation

the water swirls around my mouth

the disco turns silent now

and the chorus of discord

rings in my head so loud

confusing

contradicting

I am animal

trapped in the cage of my own making

This Is For The Aspies

 

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(As of now, this is my favorite poem I’ve EVER written)

This is for the aspies

Locked way in their rooms

Drawing, writing, reading, singing

Trying to fight off the anxious meltdown

Sure to come soon

This is for the aspies

That couldn’t get homeschooled

And had to suffer in public school

I cant imagine what that was like

And if you got through, thank you, but it’s not right

This is for the aspies

Who wear the same outfit everyday

And flap their hands when excited

I see the stutters, stares, and stumbles

And I love it

Because this is for the aspies

That don’t get the recognition they deserve

I’ve seen the hands and heard the tongues that produce beautiful words

Works of science, art, and math

Or maybe something simple like just making their own path

This is for the aspies

You never see, but always find

Too anxious, too shy to notice the time

They’re there, but won’t trust

Their own voice

This is for the aspies

The ones that can’t find love

Or don’t know what to do with it

You’re amazing no matter what they say

No matter

This is for the aspies

I’m crying for you, I love hearing you

Because my own home is yours

Connected and tired of the correction

Your home is mine

This is for the aspies

Broken but not without fight

Or riding free, with everything going right

This is gospel for us all

Don’t let the outside take our life

On The Never Ending Love (That Could Be You)

 

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Sunset falls on me again

I feel breaths rise inside

and escape through partially open mouth

sighs of relief

the doors close

they say goodnight

finally

the poet inside springs to life

to someone I’ve always liked

talking to you always feels right

sometimes I don’t know what to say

but you always seem to know the way

what I mean, you’re in my dreams

is that okay?

sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever see you, K

eternity seems so far away

until wordplay becomes, dare I say

foreplay

to what? maybe nothing

maybe years of talk and nothing else

but no matter the occasion

you’re the book I’ve always had

and whenever I’m down

I go to my favorite shelf

pour upon pages of self delight

reading your story makes me alright

and just when I’ve given up

you inspire me to fight

maybe you’re nothing

just a passing fancy of my mind

but you could also be something else

the never ending love of my life