What Does It Mean

I want to be friends

But I’m a terrible friend

I reply

But what does it mean to reply?

Is it simply agreeing

Or following the hints at a greater point?

I don’t know

I want to be loved

But I’m a terrible lover

I love

But I honestly can’t explain the feeling

And I dunno if anyone’s ever loved me back

Is it actions? Is it words? Both? None?

I don’t know

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Feeling Human Again

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Police lights flash in my windows
Rain bears down on freshly cut grass
Paved streets glisten on this Sunday night
Sunday night
Where I play air soft for for hours with friends
Getting shot for fun is fun
Only it’s hella serious
And once you enter you can’t leave
At least that’s how I approach it
Caution mixed with reckless abandon
I’m the man of the arena, and I light it up
(Okay. I don’t. I get shot. A lot)
But quickening reflexes and endurance
Sweat stirs the insides of men
And I embrace the passion and persistence
It gets my mind off my failures for a little
Being too this, too shy to make true friends
Too introverted to become memorable
Too autistic to know if people really care
I can’t read anyone anywhere
But every pull of the trigger, I make it feel pain
The pain it brings me
And I let it loose
Even for a few hours
I feel like I’m human again

Neither Writing Nor Rioting

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Stop
I’m talking to you
Yes, the one who hasn’t said a word
Who hasn’t raised his hand
Hardly given the teacher a glance
No, he’s not here. Not ever.
He’s writing to a girl he hopes to meet
From Ohio. Wisconsin. Or Massachusetts.
Dreaming of a wonderful life together.
Frolicking in the snow, and the passion
Between keeps them warm
He’s rioting on the steps of City Hall
Tears in his eyes he asks for justice
True justice, a calling not for more action
But in silence
Hear the angels in still whispers
And in heaven’s lights take back the night
He wants to see his people free
He’s neither writing nor rioting
Sitting nor standing
Just being himself
Just being
A little loud at times
Too shy for others
But the goal is real
And the passion unlike another

Everyone I Do This For

Sitting in the corner of my life

I’ve relegated myself to a timeout

I’m making bad decisions

I keep making bad decisions

Gaining yet losing

I just can’t get everything right

And why should I

I’m just human

But I know what I’m capable of

Frustrated when I fall

Shamed that I need to call for help

Walk on my own, I need no crutch

Climb out of the dungeon without a clutch

Just willpower through every hour

Spouting like a flower in the soil of sin

I lose all my beauty when I come up for air

Poisoned ground can’t nurture me

Wicked waters only stir my demons

Seduced by dreams when I breathe in

I love trying every position

New girl, new scene, it’s all the same to me

Tainted and tantalized by my reflection

I lose sight of what matters

Rather, who matters, and that’s all of you

Everyone I do this for

Without Words, Who Am I

I’m falling into wordless whispers

Rap and pop filled nights

Paint a picture behind these bridges

Behind the words of these writes

I’m angered, I’m restless

In the pursuit of the passion

For these words there is no detour

This endless highway I will forever traverse

In these words, they can’t get to me

Stand behind these bars like a criminal

Yet freed from their boring ways, so cyclical

Long eyelashes and red lips kiss my fingers

Rushing her vulva over my face, so ethereal

Taking me somewhere I never wanted to go

But was always meant to be

The songs of night are the voice calling to me

And I leave them on speed dial

When I’m pushing a broom, cleaning my room

Or up late studying for that Math test

My mind’s racing, it’s always wild

And when I’m supposed to be listening

I’m thinking of words to write, a separate file

Where I store the very honest bits of me

Find them here

And learn how I came to be

I don’t talk much, but I write too little

I can always add another verse

Another stanza

Because without words

Who am I

Taking Action

The outlet doesn’t stand out

Hidden under a table

White top

Light blue legs

Not quite sky blue

At least not this sky

Grey with gusts of wind

The window where I sit

Brings chills

These words I lend

I hope they do the same

When you’ve made it

There’s always someone further

When you’ve arrived

There’s always someone there

This life is fleeting, this life is lost

Unless we leave our mark

Be it mountain, be it marsh

Don’t be afraid to life on the edge

The greatest gains come with cost

Nature does not reward the shadows

Or complement the weary

It rains fortune upon the seekers

The sun forever shines on their path

You’re Never Enough For Me

I love you

Resting in my heart

You’ve tied my hands around your face

And left me speechless

In the wake of my doubt and distraction

Opening my love to others

And my voice to you

Spinning in endless circles with you

I’ve found a place I can call home

I found people I can friends

Safety for a lost soul

Comfort in the trust of one another

We do not share blood

Or maybe we do

I don’t know if I’d be here without you

I’m smiling to hold back the tears

We departing

But never gone

Never forgotten

This lasting resonance inside of me

Never enough

To simply say goodbye

I say until next time

Because I’m sure we’ll meet again

But if not

Because I cannot predict time or fate

Then thank you for your kindness

And courage

To accept me into your circle

Now I must go my own way

Determined to give back to the world

That gave me you

That gave the first word

In a never ending sentence

A promise

Of something greater

I Don’t Need Your Guilt, I’ve Got Enough Of My Own

White light

Switch back to the darkness they can’t see

Black shadows hide my nature

And you are so afraid

Psychotic and punished by my brain

I take these streets

My brothers face down for nothing wrong

Fuck the police, the city, our people’s song

Cause sometimes I really hate you

Turn on the news, you’re marching with us

Trying to be black, you’re out of whack

Out of practice, out of luck, out of spazz

I go nuts on these pages, see me act out

I don’t have a message, but messages

And I need messengers to carry out the word

Not imposters, but responders

Backs who’ve carried the pain

Skin tones who’ve taken the blame

Hair textures who’ve taken the shame

Hands torn and mangled, became lame

I need someone a little insane

Because this life requires we be a little

Nobody ever stood out

Being like everyone else

Swimming against the tide takes guts

Dignity, and a whole lotta love

Rise above for your people

Rise above for your nation

And leave your white guilt at the door

I don’t need it

I’ve got enough of my own

Taking Back My Life

White light

Switch the day

to night

Black as whips

Cross my skin

I fight

As breath is faint and light

Cross my body go chains of steel

I fail

As hunger burns heavy and tight

The American Dream is frail

As the tears that take vision from my eyes

From my family, from my future

And everything and everyone I hold dear

I’ll never be like you, and always in fear

Of what they might do

Because I’m not like you

Jogging through the city to find my peace

I still can’t find a seat to eat from this table

It’s a fantasy, but these cramps are real

Building my endurance through literature

I cannot outbid you, but I can out write you

I can speak of men young and old

Shatter your old and refurbished ways

The sun shines on me, on this new day

I’m also on Instagram now, so go follow me! 🤗

Somewhat Complacent

The sun’s coming out

I think it wants to talk

To me

To me?

What have I done

Nothing really

Just a mess of life

Confusing mercy with right

Somewhat complacent

In forever being better and worse

Than the man in the mirror

That’s me

Who, me?

Always thinking of something better

And doing far worse

I’m addicted to wrong

Because my blood burns

Spurned at every turn when I was young

I didn’t know who I was

Or what I could become

Now I do, but I’m grasping at air

I want to change and stay the same

This life is such a game

All I want is contentment and good

And my family to be okay

I want to be the next bestseller

Because I want my truth to be known

I want to lead

Because I’m ready to go home

Putting the hate and violence to rest

Means letting of those holding me back

I have the words, I have your ears

What can I say, I’ve been blessed

Next stop: The Very Best