Do You Wonder

Do you ever wonder what she thinks when you’re far away? Do you ever wonder if she wonders who you really care about? There’s times I think she’s become my second, my afterthought. The aftertaste of all the women on my lips is fecal in smell, and venom in my sight. I could never hurt you in such a way, but reputation is a funny thing to behold. One small slip, and all you’ve ever done is lost to the sea. Lost to memory. The tempest of wills, the chorus of voices that would tell me to distance myself from you scream far and wide. Somehow, for reasons unbeknownst to everything but my eyes, I cannot heed them. I will not. I’ve carried this dove so far. To let it pass by the wayside now would be abuse, and worse, a murder of good conscious. I may have let them take my life once, but I will not let them take you too.

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Nothing I’d Rather Do

Stars hanging low, winds still, and our heartbeats echoing through a grateful universe. I’ve never loved you more than I do now, and I’ll never love you as much as I will tomorrow. There’s so much peace in being silent with you. I spend so much time screaming into the void. Just to hear your voice is a remnant of sanity. If the whole facade decides that tonight was its last, then I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. There’s so much space between us, yet you fill it so well. I’m so happy. With us. How did I ever make it out of bed before. How did I ever tell myself there was another side to the story? You are the chapter I always wanted, yet never found the strength to write. If you ever knew how hard I groan, watching another sunset without seeing you. If you ever knew how low I sink, watching another sunrise only hoping you’re seeing it too. I love you, and there’s nothing else I’d rather do.

Not For Your Pleasure

Ride the dark

Until it breaks of exhaustion

Far reaching arms

Strangle the hopes

Of everyone desperate

To have a taste

Of my defeat

But I’m

Not

There

For

You

To

Abuse

I’m here to resurrect

The visions of the kids

And encourage

The faith of the youth

Everyday is a battle

Fighting for your attention

Listen to me

Listen to my poetry

I have the key to happiness

And it’s not a drug

Not a gloryhole

Just the cavity

Between your lungs

Listen to it

Trust it

Most importantly

Lead it

Winter Soldier

It’s colder than I like to admit

Far more habit than lack of repentance

Sudden changes

To throw you off the trail

You can wonder, you can laud

Go ahead and punish me with words

It’s always been to no avail

Because I just don’t see your pain anymore

In wishing me to be like you and not me

I choose to become neither

Denying you meant giving up part of me

Yet I succeeded in not becoming

Another miserable token in your menagerie

Hardly working, it comes by default

I suffocated that bitch

And nailed it to the cross

The winter soldier frightens everyone

Back into their hollow home of heart

Except for me

Who has none regardless of season

Leave Me

Leave me. Just leave me. I’ve given up on you. You gave on me at I do. Sometimes I can’t keep up with the energy it takes to be around you, or even think of you. If I was ever a priority to you, it wasn’t made known to me. If I was ever more than a fling or protracted dare, I didn’t know. And I couldn’t tell. The way you would swell with vivacious color at me feigning disinterest in our friendship, as if my freedom cost you some sick delight knowing you no longer had another slave. I’m sorry, beautiful. You took me by surprise. I am drunk from all your lies. The bottle is hardly empty but I feel so full. Such a fool for ever believing you. Such a fool for ever disbelieving me. I’m sorry, you are so beautiful. You were.

Love Fails

We are the reason love fails. We are the reason love dies. We are the reason love shatters our hands, riddles our heads, and ruins our hearts. We are the reason we reason ourselves to be unlovable. We are the reason we reason the ones who catch our eyes to be weak. Whenever they don’t fall for us, there must be something wrong with them. They must have low standards. They must have a wrecked self esteem. Rather, could we not be projecting our own weaknesses? Maybe we’re the ones who are needy, and thus lonely. Maybe we are the ones who are sick. We are not in need of love, then, but time. Time to reflect on our past, present, and ever approaching future. Time to ponder our reasons and ideals. Time to appreciate the very existence of time. And in time, all this time that’s passed, you may not have found a lover. But through these careful actions gained the greatest love: the love of self. The love that says I need to heal before I try to heal you. I need to become stronger before I can become a pillar for you. Not always a rewarding process, but unequivocally essential to crafting a patient and caring human.

By Nature

Downtrodden grass marks the path

Of a man who’s walked too often

To the corner of the street

And back

Afraid to push past his limitations

Unaware that he even can

The shingles are loose, the mailbox

Long emptied of past due subscriptions

Nobody cares that he’s hanging

By the thinnest of threads

A brown recluse by nature

The world strung him up and asked

Be an orb weaver, or we’ll weave you

A single life with unemployment checks

And student loans beyond reconcile

The world asks us to spin webs

Out of their shortsighted shit

And if we fail, we’re deemed less than

Broken

And beyond any sort of humanitarian repair

Slave, I Am

Abuse doesn’t always come with a belt

Sometimes it comes with the swelling

Of a heart next to another

Believing to be found, it surrenders

Limitations and cautions into the wind

Then the pain comes, the welts unbearable

“We should talk more” but it never comes

The lies are cancers building inside of bones

Tragedy is an infestation, you are its home

After millennia of roaming

it finds a shallow grave

To awkward renditions of love you are

Primordial slave

Only the poison darts of voluntary withdrawal

Can cure this mighty plague

Yet who can summon the strength

And end their days

Right Here, With Me

They can say they’ll treat you better, but I do. You gave me an hour, I’ll give you words you’ll never forget. Warmth and endless laughter are mine to give, and I found your ears worth every ounce of time devoted to creating them. You think that you’re less than, so you take their cheap one liners as a token of promises they know will never be kept. I know it doesn’t make sense now. Trust me, some things never do. But when I quiet my head, there’s one thing that does. That one thing is you. In spite of all our distance, and all the difference, the common denominator is that I care. I really care. You’re everything I asked for, yet nothing I ever deserved. And I try to treat you as the star that you are. There’s so many admirers, but when they go to sleep, where are you to them? You’re right here with me, and that’s the only place I’ll want you.

Divisions

Why do I let the ocean divide us. The tide of stars, the crest of the moon sailing over me. They are beauty, but they keep me away from you. I never learned to swim, because I was too afraid of what I might swallow. Wind and waves toss and turn unexpectedly. Skull and crossbones tell me too many have already tried and failed reaching you. What makes me any different? What might keep me from the same watery grave? Push me in, and I might not ever come out. Not because I love it, but because I need it. I need to know what it’s like to drown, what it like to be on the edge of death, yet never cross over. That’s what you deserve. A man who can be killed and never die. Through the trenches, across the corpse laden valleys, and deep within the tripwires of night. I go where they say no one comes back. I come back to where they say none can go.