Some Good, Some Bad, Mostly In Between

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Hello WordPress. Coming to you in my (very awesome) Fall Out Boy Bomber Jacket (I’m not walking around with this on, it was just for this pic), I’ve been more or less tired as of late. Mentally more than physically.. the days have really started to become blurs. Maybe it’s just the season, just the cold, but it’s a mildly oppressing moshpit of activities. Thanksgiving Week will be weird since Mary’s Gourmet be open Tuesday and Wednesday, which are days I usually spend reading and writing at home or at a park/coffee shop somewhere. Anyway. I’m an aspie holding a customer service job for nine months. Kinda crazy, but it’s humbling and a reminder of how far I’ve come. Customers are always telling me I’m such a wonderful presence, and that I’m always fast of my feet and finding solutions. Heh. Guess I blend in better than I thought I could. Or the gluten free diet is working. I haven’t been exactly GF though. I did order a gluten free pie from one of my favorite vendors at our farmers market for thanksgiving, so #Progress.

Registering for college next year. Now that my dad isn’t around to fuck up, I can actually get the school my tax information. Can’t believe he cost me a year, and way too much embarrassment. Haven’t really done anything school-related, which has allowed me to write a ton. Also, reading. I read Catcher In The Rye over the summer (hated it), but it was nice to have so much free time. It feels good to be writing, but not poetry. Been feeling down lately. Mostly upset with the lack of response from publishers about my book.  Blog views are down. Also having a hard time integrating at my Teen Arts Council. I was there last year but this year I can’t get there on time (work), so I miss about half a meeting. I felt like this year would be better, but I actually feel worse. I just can’t make friends. And none of the girls are interested in me. (Asks someone why). They’re gay. That’s news. I’m not upset, but it does explain the…I dunno how to put it. 

Been published twice in the last couple months on SpillWords….

http://spillwords.com/failure-for-all-to-see/

http://spillwords.com/dear-her/

Here’s my interview with https://mademoisellewomen.com

https://mademoisellewomen.com/2017/11/12/blogging-for-business-with-devereaux-fraizer-of-maryland-poet-blog/

You Were Meant To Know The Night Writing Prompt 

https://braveandrecklessblog.com/2017/10/13/you-were-meant-to-know-the-night-writing-prompt-challenge-devereaux-frazier/

Letting Go for https://tanyatale.wordpress.com

https://tanyatale.wordpress.com/2017/10/27/poetry-with-devereaux-frazier-letting-go/

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My Poetry Is

 

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My poetry

is long awaited sunset

on a lover’s winter night

My poetry

is a flashlight on the entrails

of the horror film called Life

My poetry

is a camera

on the heart of Titanic

Beautiful

but tormented

Acclaimed

and cursed

My poetry

is an anchor

and a mast

a tsunami

and a covenant

conviction

from the conflicted

moaning

behind near perfect diction

My poetry

is the other side of the railway tracks

The backside

catching all the jack

Telling my truth

emasculates me

to that of a bee

giving little

but losing all

so you might avoid

where I’ve stumbled

and crawled

My poetry may be autistic

from hands suddenly active

but the lips are rigid

and mind narrow

My poetry may be saddening

inspirational

or nothing to you at all

but it’s my lifeline

brink

brink

breaking

that’s my heart aching

and another poem

that needs your saving

 

 

 

What If I Told You

 

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What if I told you

I wasn’t alone

and I had been lying

to you like her

I like you

(I adore you)

You’re a good person

(You’re my everything)

I think I’ll see you soon

(I love you already)

The darkness peels back

as the fabrics fall off

silky skin

Clothing lies in a trail

of tears in wonder

at the perfection

of delicate sin

Naked ambition

in a provocative rendition

of Leonardo’s Mona Lisa

Perfect woman

meets searching eyes

is there one inch

that doesn’t incite delight

Staring into crystal balls

falling back into the black

as we reach the pinnacle

of this devious waltz

Bodies tangled

reaching the fantasy of gravity

and the peak of agony

as quickly as she comes

we go our separate ways

the lights come on

and I’m jolted awake in pain

because what if I also

told you it was a dream

and I fell asleep alone

like every other night

I Wasn’t Alone (It Was An Aspie Dream)

broken

What if I told you

I wasn’t alone

and I had been lying

to you like her

I like you

(I adore you)

You’re a good person

(You’re my everything)

I think I’ll see you soon

(I love you already)

The darkness peels back

as the fabrics fall off

silky skin

Clothing lies in a trail

of tears in wonder

at the perfection

of delicate sin

Naked ambition

in a provocative rendition

of Leonardo’s Mona Lisa

Perfect woman

meets searching eyes

is there one inch

that doesn’t incite delight

Staring into crystal balls

falling back into the black

as we reach the pinnacle

of this devious waltz

Bodies tangled

reaching the fantasy of gravity

and the peak of agony

as quickly as she comes

we go our separate ways

the lights come on

and I’m jolted awake in pain

because what if I also

told you it was a dream

and I fell asleep alone

like every other night

 

 

Sick Of The Autistic

I’m just sick

of the autistic

genius are some

interesting are none

ruining my world

causing my advances

to become undone

stimming is gross

do it somewhere else

pleasing yourself

to lower anxiety

you have less than none

in sympathy from me

you broken and breaking

mentally divergent fool

no program or grant

could ever amount

to the reality that you can’t

compete with me

don’t lie to me

they say be anything

but you’re nothing but a nuisance

to us

don’t fuss

just jump

and return to us our peace

who cares about your broken pieces

I’d taste just as sweet

if you weren’t analyzing so much

cut and bleed

stoop and scream

die and dream

you’ll never make it on your own

don’t try to be a hero

and why be a slave

when you can be a fraud

Panic! (Just About Everywhere)

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sitting in a corner

watching the sky through a crack

in the window, my soul

sees the light I once lacked

 

a chink in the armor I did believe

was all that kept me from being able to see

but they all could see

that I certainly wasn’t confident in me

 

slight change ruined my emotion

panic at the everywhere caused commotion

in my lungs, and on these pages I cry

I’m younger than my age is

 

today begins, tomorrow ends

same story, misunderstanding of friends

being just like you, I can’t ever pretend

but here I am, again and again

 

beetle crawls along my arm

reminding me of the slope I’m on

soon to be squashed, or flicked

little nuisance, move along

Delicate Failure

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a screw tightened too many times
I try to make my life
fit inside you
blackened shadow once a heart
now lifeless as chicken livers
he shattered your delicate love
tore your soul like splinters
and now you’re taking it out on me
the middle child in a universe of doubt
guilt and reflection
it’s your face of shame
that I really care about
that quiet stare you give
when you exit the room
letting me know I was struck out
looking down for the wooden sound
but instead the crowd’s infamous boo
I failed you

Real Talk

 

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Criminal minds dance on the airwaves
telling the minorities that they’ve come to save
all the forgotten, all the lost peeps
always a shot away from 6am news
on these dark streets
you can feel the beat
of a glock nine
or a car crashing into a stump
oh, is it time
for another riot
no need to buy it
smash the windows, loot the church
real life Empire
nowhere able to retire
cause my daddy never taught me how to work
just work the system
take the cash don’t worry
who’s givin
givin head
these girls I see
three babies already
but she ain’t even seventeen
what’s going on
with the black community
growing up
I didn’t understand
but now I see
that honestly
we’ve lost sight of who we ought to be
we write music
selling drugs
throwing paper
but where’s the glory
for the creator
where’s the honor
in a father
who runs the streets
forgets his daughter
she’s in a pageant
I’m glad to say
but he never knew it
couldn’t remember her birthday
and by the way
I know it’s not right
but this just happens to be my life
so angle the sights
on the intruder
can’t find me
I’m in the future

Only My Guilt Knows

solace

I descend a staircase

littered with shreds of newspaper

and leftover condoms

the lights are dim

and the air, stale

but the memories are bright

and here, rise high

my leavened bread

eaten everyday by anguish

shoved in my face, they know I need

the drain in the center

is rusted and clogged

with people I left long ago

they tried to buy my love

a piece of my fire

so I cheated them time

now look what they made me do

surrounded by my muses

pale white skin and shrouded face

silk curtains her backdrop

virgin ignorance is a see through robe

I draw from her eyes

lonely telescopes into the vast blackness

of my pirate heart

I weep from her part

a lonely ballerina on a stage

and silence her only spectator

I take what I need and leave

as she breathes alive and well in me

made and broken at what she sees

I don’t love her but can’t let go

so I lock it inside

for only my guilt to know

 

 

Death Calls From Not Long Ago

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Raw lines

slip from the corner

of thawed eyes

shattered in slowness

of overwhelming disgrace

streaming from my face

goes the purity I once called breath

now I am inhabited by gorges

and craters that leave me speechless

vast emptiness unexplained

unfulfilled

except for when paper is placed before me

and I have a certain time to kill

I hate violence until it’s for you

I hate flesh unless it’s poetic

to chew and digest

these words not yet my best

I tinker and toy without rest

not because I’m a proofreader

but a mercy seeker

ravaged by a past I only bow to

and ask for subtle forgiveness

I must scorch your hearts

with the brand of my missteps

the blood of a poet

is never ending ink

unfinished is his business

until the grim reaper

does sit upon his grey chest

and his heart

he drinks