An Aspergian's Chemical Romance
The life of an autistic dude explained through poetic passion
look me in the eyes
and tell me you’re afraid
I took shit from you, up until now
revenge boils, this isn’t the same
on and on played for a fool
slaved for you in the trenches
but something stirred inside this tool
yearning of more than to be one of your bitches
the storm provided the perfect cover
for the sheath to gleam in evening night
blood ran unlike any other
full of hate and scorn cooked by time
(This is something I’ve started doing on Facebook at the beginning of the season)
Chiefs Eagles, Week Two
I know a few Eagles fans
Heck, I just got back from work in PA
and I’ve got a sad story for you
titled Chris Jones
always making the backfield
his eternal home
written by Travis Kelce
juking, leaping, and always dancing
better than Gronk? Absolutely
(somewhat tired of his antics)
little chapters dink and dunk at your energy
five yards here, ten there
“that’s all Alex Smith will ever be”
how about putting it in the air
down the field to Tyreek Hill, or Chris Conley
streaking down the sidelines
waving peace or just proud to be
part of ChiefsKingdom, and who wouldn’t want to be?
We’re still undefeated, but go ahead and hate
our shovel passes you can’t emulate
fall for the jet sweep and we’ll beat you deep
let you hang, then snatch victory in front of your face
GO CHIEFS
September 14 8:11am
Going out of state today, as I’ll be working at our Bristol store this weekend. My second trip, I feel much more prepared than when I went the first time. Hopefully the snotty customers won’t get on my nerves as much. I don’t do a good job of hiding my disdain for certain people. There’s also someone I like. Possible update on that later….
My body feels exponentially different, and I feel stronger in certain areas. My balance (big Aspie no-no) has gotten better in my workouts, and I can (nearly) sustain eye contact with someone for (maybe) a third of a conversation. Best of all (?), I actually nearly hated being by myself this week, which might have played into my decision to ask my boss to work in PA over the weekend. Progress much? I’m not sure, but the signs are encouraging.
9:51am
About to head onto the floor. Hopefully today is a busy day.
1:23pm
Forget about busy. It’s Thursday. Our usual slow day. I just like it when it’s busy because then I can really get lost in the flow of work. Anyway, the donuts aren’t calling my name. I’m so excited for tomorrow my stomach is tight. Or maybe that’s last night’s half an hour of crunches talking. Maybe both. .
9:12pm
At my bosses parents house. Staying with them over the weekend. No electricity (they’re Amish), so I won’t be posting anything until I get back home (Saturday or Sunday). Can’t wait to get back on WordPress. Also hoping I took Andy Dalton out my fantasy lineup. Tired, but since I’ve gotta be up at two thirty anyway, I really don’t feel like going to bed. Maybe I won’t. There’s no WiFi though so I’m not sure how long that’s going to last. Maybe I’ll just write the night away. Sounds like a good title.
9:21pm
“Adele calms me
hurting, crying, saying, regretting
she’s like me, far more talented
but just as broken by those who claimed to love”
9:34pm
“not afraid of danger, the Queen of time
pushing boundaries until the end
no wonder your heart gave out
long before mine”
<place hand on her heart>
Sometime after ten…
Kinda still up but not really.
Friday, September 15 th
1am
AYYY. Ready for the day. Also need to go back to sleep. Got another hour and a half before I need to be up. Feels odd being disconnected from the outside world for so long.
2:11am
I’m up. Bout to go take a shower and get ready for work. Hopefully my Hunt Valley customers don’t miss me too much (they probably won’t. nobody even asked where I was the week after I came up here back in the summer)
2:47am
Done getting dressed. Don’t have to leave until three thirty but I have a bad habit of oversleeping so better early than late.
3:33am
On our way to market. Gotta pick up some more people first. We won’t get to Bristol to closer to/right at 6am.
1:17pm
Second break.
5:41pm
Off work. What a day. Not nearly as hectic as the last time I was here. It felt like a usual day at Hunt Valley. Laughed a lot with my coworkers. All in all great day. Just downed some apple cider and fully intend on finishing some chicken wings once I get back to the house.
8:58pm
Settling into bed. Had a few cans of pineapple juice to settle my stomach. I really shouldn’t mix mountain dew and coke in slurpees anymore. Had a riveting stomach ache until nearly ten this morning. Then I remembered that processed sugar screws with our own blood sugar production. That explains why I was so hectic this morning. I couldn’t do anything right. Anyhow, this will be my last night here. I work tomorrow, and then I’m on the greyhound back home tomorrow afternoon. I really enjoy working in Bristol with Mary, Phares, Serena’ Annie, and Matt. They’re a great bunch to work with, really reliable, and always lending a helping hand. Sometimes I wish I had gotten to work here years ago. Anyway, will probably listen to some music before I head off to sleep. Weird thing about last night was that I never fully slept. My body was in kinda like a standby mode. My ears were closed, and I felt rested, but not quite asleep. I have to be that way, getting up at two thirty and all. There’s this place at the market that makes gourmet smoothies, so I drank those all day. The bakery has gluten free options, but not much else. Good thing I brought food from home.
9:26pm
Correction: Working at Hunt Valley tomorrow since I won’t be able to get a ride to the greyhound station in Philly. No biggie. I go home a little earlier than expected.
Saturday, September 16
2:53am
Ready to head back home. Didn’t listen to any muisc last night, as I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. Must’ve been more tired than I thought.
7:49am
Back at Hunt Valley. Feels weird being here this early. I could sleep some more. Can’t.
My food box still smells like old oatmeal. It is not a good smell.
4:32pm
Off. What a weekend. Sweaty, covered in chocolate, and mildly exhausted. Nothing From Under The Cork Tree can’t fix, though. Can’t wait to see the Chiefs play tomorrow.
I’m. Addicted
to the excitement
the rush of opening a page
the clicks
the loading bar
enthralling
it’s calling
I’m falling
inside her body
Don’t. Wake. Me. Up.
I’m lost in a world
sweeter than a hundred
packets of Splenda
but just as sort lived
because they wouldn’t call them highs
if they didn’t have lows
The. Overdose. Has. Kicked. In.
I’m sweating
undressing
in a life of double minds
I must love representing
now the sun’s up
and I haven’t slept
I wonder how much life
do I have left
thunder rolls in
blocking out the sun
the rain pools
it floods the grass
but I know I’m not the only one
these last few weeks
have been water and weary
from clouds and thunder
flooding so dreary
these pictures I see
now I let the umbrella go
dear god, let the rain drown me
I’m finally free, no worry or care
my eyes wet with tears
I know you’re there
the beauty enthralls
and the danger calls
if I fall
then let me be
with the nature I trust in
so faithfully
to restore herself
to beauty she once was
even if mankind
must be undone
Thursday, September 7th
8:42 am
Since starting the diet on Tuesday, I’ve felt pretty good about myself. Working around donuts, sandwiches, and seemingly all the pastries in the world will not be easy today. Although the bakery across from our stand does have gluten free options, I don’t work for them, so I don’t get them at a discount. Anyhow, the first few hours will feel like torture. I like to nibble on our apple fritter bites in between customers and on my lunch break, so saying no will take considerable fortitude.
Honestly, though, I feel like once work is over, I’ll be okay. The benefit to not being big on eating out is that I won’t be constantly surrounded by foods I can’t eat. Also, I still kinda get my way because chicken is okay. Just not breaded chicken. Or chicken with a lot of sauce.
9:41
Damn it. Made it to work, and I’m reconsidering the ease of this. Gotta stare at donuts until four. Gotta smell sandwiches until four. Gotta watch people eat delicious, gluten laden food until four. Sigh. Hopefully I can make it till my lunch break, and I might grab…some…something.
2:38pm
Whoo. So far, so good. The first forty five minutes or so were utter torture, but after that the desire basically just dissapeared. At least until one my customers came up and started chatting about pretzel dogs. Anyhow, I’m starving. Just a few more hours to go, and I’ll be out of here.
4:27pm
Forget it. I gave in and got myself an eggplant wrap. (I went the whole day without eating one donut, though. So, progress?) It’s so delicious to eat, but I feel kinda bad giving in this early. My head started buzzing right before I left, so that might be what they call withdrawal. Anyhow, I’m going to enjoy this food during tonight’s game. After seven long months, I’m super excited to see my boys in action. Hopefully, unlike the last time I saw them play, we emerge victorious.
Friday, September 8th
8:22am
I didn’t even eat the wrap I got last night. I gained a slightly uncharacteristic urge of strength and decided to keep my streak strong. Working again today, but since we’re far busier on Friday than Thursday, I’ll have an added distraction.
9:22am
THE CHIEFS WON. Beat the living —- out of the Patriots defense, putting up over five hundred yards, including two touchdown passes from Alex Smith of 75 and 78 (to rookie back Kareem Hunt and WR Tyreek Hill, respectively). Vegas had us as nine point underdogs, so it made perfect sense for us to beat the defending champs at their house 42-27. We got three fourth quarter sacks, two of which came on one drive courtesy Justin Houston. We had 14 penalties, so it wasn’t perfect. Eric Berry also might have torn his achilles (crying) so last night wasn’t all cheers. I feel bad for him, because he was playing so well. We’ve got ten days before our next game against Philly, so I’m praying the MRI comes back negative. People are laughing at me on Facebook because I posted “Patriots about to pull away, good game Chiefs” back in the second quarter, when we got down 17-7. Safe to say I didn’t even expect my boys to win.
2:11pm
Still going strong. It’s really, really hard to resist the urge, especially considering its staring me right in the face. Eating some wings on my lunch break.
4:34pm
Today did not provide the rush I anticipated asb distraction, but it didn’t matter. My head is throbbing, and everything hurts more than usual.
Saturday-Today, 5:15
Not eating bread and sugar has been made fairly easy thanks to my homebody personality. If it’s not in the house, there’s little chance I’m going to run across it. Eating pumpkin and flax seeds (recommended diet foods) has really cleared up my head, and my headaches even stopped. If you read my post last night, you’d know how closely linked stomach issues and autism are, and since going on my diet, my lower body feels better than ever! The aches and pains are starting to go away, and constipation is nonexistent. I’m also not as tired as usual, which I was having a problem with over the last couple months (I nearly overslept on my lunch break a couple times). I am craving pizza like hell, but there’s no gluten free pizza places nearby. Listening to “Jet Pack Blues” while I write this…..
Speaking of the inside, that brings me to the point of this article. I titled this “The Cure For Autism” because I have it. I’ve spent a lot of time on this blog talking about the affects of Aspergers on me, and how I go about modifying my life to balance both my internal needs and those of the people around me. People say that autism is incurable, because it’s not a disease or something of that ilk. However, I believe that there is something that can greatly reduce, if not eradicate, the effects of autism. It’s a four letter word we use everyday.
Food.
Complex? Far from it. See, when we talk autism we immediately think of the brain, spinal cord, and nerves. Especially when regarding aspergers, since it is perceived to be a neurological disorder, do we assume that there’s something wrong with the brain. What scientists, autistics, and everyone in between fails to see is that our lower body is a mirror image of the upper regions. There is science out there that shows the similar the gut and the brain really are. The gut and the brain are connected, and when you alter one you alter the other.
A study released in the summer of ’15 showed that there was autism rates jumped 18% in children of teenage mothers. “This hasn’t really been seen before, and we can’t really explain it,” says Brian Lee, an associate professor of epidemiology and biostatistics at Drexel University and a research fellow at the A.J. Drexel Autism Institute. He hypothesized that it may have to had to do with sub-optimal pregancies and health care, but what if has to do with the poor food choices made by teenagers in America today?
Reading on “Food For The Brain”, I found these key pieces of information in the fight for autism clarity:
“Deficiencies in essential fats are common in people with autism. Research by Dr Gordon Bell at Stirling University has shown that some autistic children have an enzymatic defect that removes essential fats from brain cell membranes more quickly than it should. This means that an autistic child is likely to need a higher intake of essential fats than the average. And it has been found that supplementing EPA, which can slow the activity of the defective enzyme, has clinically improved behavior, mood, imagination, spontaneous speech, sleep patterns and focus of autistic children.”
“There is much overlap between ADH/hyperactivity and autism, so for autistic children who show signs of hyperactivity, improving blood sugar balance is a must.”
“Dietary studies consistently reveal that hyperactive children eat more sugar than other children4. Other research has confirmed that the problem is not sugar itself but the forms it comes in, the absence of a well-balanced diet overall, and abnormal glucose metabolism. A study of 265 hyperactive children found that more than three-quarters of them displayed abnormal glucose tolerance, – that is, their bodies were less able to handle sugar intake and maintain balanced blood sugar levels.”
“In any case, when a child is regularly snacking on refined carbohydrates, sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks, juices and little or no fibre to slow the glucose absorption, the levels of glucose in their blood will seesaw continually and trigger wild fluctuations in their levels of activity, concentration, focus and behaviour-. These, of course, will not help any child’s brain function.”
“Paediatrician Mary Megson from Richmond, Virginia, believes that many autistic children are lacking in vitamin A. Otherwise known as retinol, vitamin A is essential for vision. It is also vital for building healthy cells in the gut and brain.”
“The best sources of vitamin A are breast milk, organ meats, milk fat, fish and cod liver oil, none of which are prevalent in our diets. Instead, we have formula milk, fortified food and multivitamins, many of which contain altered forms of retinol such as retinyl palmitate, which doesn’t work as well as the fish or animal-derived retinol. Megson began speculating what might happen if these children weren’t getting enough natural vitamin A12.”
“She realised that not only would this affect the integrity of the digestive tract, potentially leading to allergies. It would also affect the development of their brains, and disturb their vision. Both brain differences and visual defects have been detected in autistic children. The visual defects, Megson deduced, were an important clue because lack of vitamin A would mean poor black and white vision, a symptom often seen in the relatives of autistic children. If you can’t see black and white, you can’t see shadows. And without that you lose the ability to perceive three-dimensionality. This in turn leaves you less able to make sense of people’s expressions, which could explain why some autistic children tend not to look straight at you. They look at you sideways. Long thought to be a sign of poor socialisation, this sideways technique may in fact be the best way for them to see people’s expressions, because there are more black and white light receptors at the edge of the visual field than in the middle.”
This research is ASTOUNDING because it explains so much of what plagues those on the autism spectrum. Here we are, putting our heads in the sand believing that there’s nothing we can do for autistics, when in fact the very cure is right in front of us.
Take it from me, someone who works at a donut and coffee shop and whose favorite foods just happen to be the worst foods for me. It will be hard for me to give up things like donuts and pizza, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t give so my limitations could be breached. I’ve read the stories and heard the struggles. They can end, right here, right now.
Drastic reductions of symptoms are possible, IF we change our lifestyles. These changes are not easily undertaken, but gradual reductions of things like gluten, casein, and artificial sugars can change the lives of autistics across the world.
Starting today, I’m going to change my diet. The process will be gradual, but I will document each day. I’ll record how I’m feeling and thinking. I believe that if I have the ability to make myself better, why ignore it?
Maybe I’ll even encourage my fellow autistic bloggers to do the same.
I’ve lived eighteen years on this wonderful planet, but only in the last five have I known I was on the autism spectrum. I barely knew anything about the condition except for that people who had it were not treated kindly, there was an organization that supposedly strives to raise awareness, and they are often very smart. My own personal story has made me reconsider much of what I thought about autism and how I respond to what people say about us in the news. I used to think that if someone changed their opinion too much, they couldn’t make up their minds.
Now I know it’s essential, when gaining new knowledge and insight, to always be changing. You cannot gain and stay the same. At least I couldn’t.
The last five years of my life have easily been the best. I needed a window out of my confusing and easily angered childhood, but early on my Aspergers diagnosis only made me angrier. I hated this weird sounding name that made me feel more obvious than I already knew I was. What I needed was an example. I wanted to find someone, anyone, out there that was succeeding. If they could, in spite of our numerous limitations, then I could too. That’s when I discovered John Elder Robinson. I read his books, and more importantly than the information I gained, my entirely different outlook on my new life.
I wasn’t just the angry, confused, autistic kid.
I was the weird, informed, confident (and somewhat arrogant) autistic kid.
Over this time, my life has changed drastically. Some ways were obvious, like my need for music. I spend a great part of my life just listening to it, and I feel stronger when I do. The silence (without being silent) is immensely therapeutic, and I thrive when I have this balance. I’ve also gotten outside more often. Not only did my job require it, but I’ve felt the desire to get outside and, yes, even be around people. Contrary to the garbage that comes from Autism Speaks (among others), people with aspergers don’t mind being around people. In my individual case, it’s how many for how long. Being around two or three people for a couple hours is totally cool with me. Surround me twenty people for less time (funny, huh?) and I’m a disaster on the inside.
(The second, and most critical, part of this piece will feature tomorrow night. I hate to be so blunt with the ending but I wasn’t sure how to end)
street blocked off again
yellow tape parade
features no admission
except the blood of a city, forever a victim
crime goes deeper than the bullets
beyond the jail cells and body cam videos
it’s a reminder we are sick
and protest does ill in making us well
dealers only sell cause someone buys
so give them reading and writing to fill their minds
not tests and awards for making it past second grade
awarding mediocrity is why we’re here in the first place
children grow up not knowing real success
so when they face real failure, they crack under pressure
drugs and booze, crime and cruise
they have pent energy that they can’t even use
government handouts make you weak
find a job, get off the couch, get on your feet
making your own money feels better
than stealing someone else’s
I grew up in the ghetto
but I wasn’t of it
I took school seriously, got a job
now I am above it
I don’t need the weed, prostitutes keep your tits in
I’m looking for something real to believe in
something I can only find in a dream
the destiny that awaits you and me
stop blaming race, stop blaming cops
find your calling and put it on lock
cause the only thing that maters when X comes to drop
is the sum of the love inside your heart
I don’t know when to quit
i just live
wake up and smell
plastic burning
thats from all of you
blowing up my Facebook
Twitter, and WordPress
having such a following
is nothing short of a blessing
and a miracle
considering how bad I am with people
but I don’t care
DGAF
I love who I am
no matter the comments they leave
likes don’t matter much
compared to trust
I’ve gained in the workplace
maybe I’m better than I thought I was
or they care little as I
there’s so much I want to do
and so little time
every little post, every little link
makes you stop and think
you don’t need a book to change lives
or be president to change times
you just have to not know when to quit
push back until you have nothing left to give
