you want me

Misery, you just want to shine

So desperately, 2019, do you crave

To take my spirit and soul into darkness

I took some losses to you, but I found

Even in the depths, I could see clouds

It’s here

Where you realize what you’re made of

While I found old flames that smoldered

There was rediscovery of friends

Kindred spirits on which I could ride

And rise, though the shadows wanted

So badly to bring me down, my doubts hover

My nightmares smother, and my mind

Loves to tell me that she don’t care

But I always known that was a lie

The past, keep playing tricks on me

But I’m smarter than you’d think, and I

Have some wits up my sleeve

I’m not a believer in people but passion

And forces of equal and opposite

Create reactions that inspire

Even in the night, there’s light

Even in death, there is blood

Don’t waste the air given today

Will it be someone else’s tomorrow?

i don’t own any

Love me or leave me

Why the fuck did I ask that, I know

That’s too easy a question, you see

I’m not quite disaster, yet never desirable

More waste than an object to be chased

I can’t put the brakes on your objections

(I don’t own any)

And there’s not a paycheck given

That would buy me a drop of continuity

One moment sane, the next senile

I’m a bastard of my nightmare’s making

It’s your bed, but I’m damn gonna lie in it

Cause you wanted to want me but not me

You loved the idea of me but not me

My skin color drew you, but the blood beside

Just boiled yours and drove us elsewhere

Maybe tomorrow when I’m better

But every year feels like yesterday, and here

I’m still the same

Is it me that needs changing

Or them?

clown post

Nobody’s ever talked to me

longer than a few months

so why am I surprised? did I lie?

when I said I’d rather be alone and happy

then surrounded by people and petrified

The calls have never been there, and I go

24 hours without a notification some weeks

What gives, what must be taken to make me

Imaginary?

If there was ever a moment I’d feel I’d made it

They swallowed it whole, misery just won’t

Fucking leave me alone, and I dance

Around the truth inside my mind, the lies

Thinking this will pass, someone will speak out

I can’t always keep it in, the mess I make

Only deepens the shame

Nobody’s ever asked how, only why

I’m this way, and can I get it together

Because my oddities are an insult

What would my mind have me do? BAM

It’s not hard to find a place to drown, or get hit

Just as long as I

put an end to the clown show

clown post

Nobody’s ever talked to me

longer than a few months

so why am I surprised? did I lie?

when I said I’d rather be alone and happy

then surrounded by people and petrified

The calls have never been there, and I go

24 hours without a notification some weeks

What gives, what must be taken to make me

Imaginary?

If there was ever a moment I’d feel I’d made it

They swallowed it whole, misery just won’t

Fucking leave me alone, and I dance

Around the truth inside my mind, the lies

Thinking this will pass, someone will speak out

I can’t always keep it in, the mess I make

Only deepens the shame

Nobody’s ever asked how, only why

I’m this way, and can I get it together

Because my oddities are an insult

What would my mind have me do? BAM

It’s not hard to find a place to drown, or get hit

Just as long as I

put an end to the clown show

clown post

Nobody’s ever talked to me

longer than a few months

so why am I surprised? did I lie?

when I said I’d rather be alone and happy

then surrounded by people and petrified

The calls have never been there, and I go

24 hours without a notification some weeks

What gives, what must be taken to make me

Imaginary?

If there was ever a moment I’d feel I’d made it

They swallowed it whole, misery just won’t

Fucking leave me alone, and I dance

Around the truth inside my mind, the lies

Thinking this will pass, someone will speak out

I can’t always keep it in, the mess I make

Only deepens the shame

Nobody’s ever asked how, only why

I’m this way, and can I get it together

Because my oddities are an insult

What would my mind have me do? BAM

It’s not hard to find a place to drown, or get hit

Just as long as I

put an end to the clown show

lost and drunk

This is 80-proof, the one that might let me die

and sure I’m underage

But when did law ever start caring about me

A law that lets society treat the mentally ill

As second-rate punchlines in daily routines

Designating us to sectors, and a life lived

As if we’re completely sane

Maybe they’ll remember me if I did something

Wild, irreversible and cruel, children butchered

But that would only mask the reality

That I’m lost in a world that’s too busy

Unloved in a world full of fantasy

Unfettered are thoughts

unashamed of my minds

I beseech heaven for some peace

And instead of a lover they sent me rhymes

To fill my heart with joy and content

And for a few seconds ignore the bleak

While the world’s flipped on its head

I for once just may be ahead

standing beside you

Drip, drop

Go the tears in her eyes

From him to them, the familial lies

Scattered throughout houses that

Never amounted to homes

She never wanted anything but a break

From the shaking, the sleepless nights

Being told it’s alright

Sometimes, all the heart needs to be told

Is that, yes it is bleeding, and it hurts

But someone is beside you, to guide you

One day, the pain will subside

And you’ll be happy again

Truth is, we don’t help each other enough

And I failed to see the sadness, I only saw

My chance to prove a point

And not a person that needed a hand

I watched you tell your story

And felt the blood on my wrists

I watched you cry, I heard you try

Now I can’t let you die

tides of mind

In the wake of my newfound song

I won’t be talking to you anymore

I’ve found something else to get me off

Off my couch, into the woods

The tiniest, unswept corners of my mind

It’s cloudy in here, but there’s some scraps

Of sense and respectability, I can make do

With this, but with a twist, of poetic comedy

Suicidal remnants twinkle but I put them aside

I’m coming later, but for now I will write

Till my ocean feels dissatisfied, and I pull away

Watch the tide recede and with it goes

Everything I thought you wanted me to be

car crash

The sun doesn’t erase my shadows

And my smile won’t convert my sorrow

Every happy thought has twenty

Hanging from the nearest tree

Every moment of silence is crushed

By multitudes of years in harmonious sadness

The glass broke in my hand, I let it

The alcohol stung my throat, I let it

She caressed my soul, I let it

Then cracked it, burned it, set it alive

On fire, the desire to be like anyone else

Disappeared, but I still owe breath to my past

Everyday is repayment for death never cashed

Maybe I’ll stumble onto 85

Or the middle of a busy street

Maybe someone will give me the sentence

That I’ve always deserved to meet

anyone care?

HEY

Take a listen to my barely beating heart

It’s gushing agony, while crimson memories

Stain what’s left of my skin

Scorched from heat-seeking stares

And left unseen is a dream crushed by fiends

I’ve always had stories to tell

but my head dwells on their satisfaction

Dissatisfaction, raining down on me, a Calvary

Of ambiguous negativity, paraded as console

They really just wanted to see me bleed

HEY

Guess what? It worked!

My foreplay is a wordsmith spitting

what you take in your hands, my strife

mixed with cynicism found only in the insane

Drench your eyes in it, now I’m making it rain

Don’t put the name down, just raise it up

Like the liquor in my glass, drown till you pass

Out on the correctional office steps

Does anyone care if anyone’s a wreck?