I Didn’t (I Did?)

I don’t want to die

I never did

I enjoyed the attention, the comments

Complimentary with side dish of dishonesty

Dash of anger, pinch of rebellion

Youthful main course, garnish of ignorance

We eat it up, drink it up, and pour it out

Over the books and airwaves

The people believe we are looming losses

But in reality, we have been long gone

Notes left only stagger the standoffs

Cuts only tickle anticipation of the real thing

Tiny drops of blood, fuck it, cut it off

Let the life flow from me, one final time

Let me breathe in without anyone saying

I didn’t breathe deeply enough, I breathe now

For my past, for my present, for the future

You will never get to see

Maybe I don’t have authority to dictate, you say

But I have the only authority, I see

I have been leaving you, in spurts, all my life

Part of me today, part of me tomorrow

First the skin, then bone, then marrow

Till the only part left is the memory

And even age gets to me in death

You move on, you find another lover

You forget

That I really wanted to die

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