Life Update: Shit

I haven’t written a post like this in a while. Mostly because I’ve spent my time working, in school, and just plain ignoring it. I felt like I had made steps in really overcoming my limitations. Being on the autism spectrum has never been an excuse for me, and it won’t become one, but lately people have been bringing it to my attention that I’m not right.

No shit, Sherlock.

I spent my childhood hiding. From my Dad. From my neighborhood. From my family. From myself. Afraid of who I was. I was angry. I was violent. I was rude. I was silent. I killed before I even spoke. My mind was always bent on bending. As I’ve grown up, I realized everybody else had outgrown me. I’m almost 19, but I feel I could be 15. Or younger. So much for becoming an adult. I felt like if I just wrote a shit ton of poetry and buried myself in words I could escape my gravity. I was wrong.

Relationships haven’t been harder or easier to find and develop, but I’m noticing that I still struggle. Stutter. Repeat phrases. Find myself lost in a sea of glares and expectations. You should know what you’re doing. How come you don’t remember that. It’s dreadful. People expect me to be one thing, when reality I’m just not capable. At least not yet. Or not in my current state.

I’ve spent so much hiding from myself that I’ve lost sense of myself too. Making mistakes I usually wouldn’t. Eating and drinking the things I wouldn’t otherwise. Watching. I feel so desperate to rediscover that I’m digging a deeper hole. One even writing cant pull me out of. Or maybe it is and that’s why this post is coming together. I dunno. I talk to myself a lot. Some people ignore the inner voice within, and I try not to. But having the self confidence in doing so in spite of others is no easy feat.

It feels good to get this out.

Sigh.

Until next time.

24 thoughts on “Life Update: Shit

  1. It’s not just autism, I have had to deal with ugly comments, as I am sure a lot of people have. It has taught me to be secure in who I am and secure in the way God sees me. You have a better grip on yourself than you probably realize. Your poetry is professional and speaks to the heart. As the 70’s band Argent sings, “Hold Your Head High!”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally understand just wanting to write it all and publish it.

    I made a decision sometime ago to only publish my prose fiction/poems/tags, everything that was basically not me actually talking about shit going on in my life, but I liked writing it. I needed to write it, and I’ve realized it helps with retrospection, so I totally understand what you’re about.

    Plus I love reading blogs that I get a torch of their reality in it, but your poems are good, so I still stay with you still 😉

    You pretty much have told yourself what needs to be said. You’re growing, and your confidence is growing too. It doesn’t matter that you seem fifteen. If that’s where you think you are at now, then no matter. Keep on growing.

    They don’t have to understand.

    Sending you love from this side 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh this happens to me too. Fun fact: I like to mask, because it’s a lot like performing, but there are times when I have to stop and ask myself if I’m doing it to fit in or if I’m doing it for fun. Right after my own diagnosis I still believed I could be NT, and it was a lot of untangling I needed to do. I also hid from people, but I was suppressing my anger a lot instead of letting it out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Maybe I’m also talking to myself or listening to myself while I talk, because sometimes I’ll just blurt out something I didn’t expect to say and go, “Whoa, I think I really meant that! [Pause] That’s awesome!” lol In discovering what makes me authentic, I find I’m not the person I portrayed myself to be to others

      Liked by 1 person

  4. If those who say you are “not right” are referring to your Aspergers, IGNORE them. You have every right to be different from the herd. You are Neuro Diverse, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

    Come to think of it, ignore them anyway……….. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. They say your not “right” ? Who the hell are they? Maybe they’re not right. When we write we write what is in our heart at that particular time. Maybe it’s a gut wrenching truth or a lovely garden. I think your writing is so RIGHT and so are you.

    Liked by 2 people

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