I haven’t written a post like this in a while. Mostly because I’ve spent my time working, in school, and just plain ignoring it. I felt like I had made steps in really overcoming my limitations. Being on the autism spectrum has never been an excuse for me, and it won’t become one, but lately people have been bringing it to my attention that I’m not right.
No shit, Sherlock.
I spent my childhood hiding. From my Dad. From my neighborhood. From my family. From myself. Afraid of who I was. I was angry. I was violent. I was rude. I was silent. I killed before I even spoke. My mind was always bent on bending. As I’ve grown up, I realized everybody else had outgrown me. I’m almost 19, but I feel I could be 15. Or younger. So much for becoming an adult. I felt like if I just wrote a shit ton of poetry and buried myself in words I could escape my gravity. I was wrong.
Relationships haven’t been harder or easier to find and develop, but I’m noticing that I still struggle. Stutter. Repeat phrases. Find myself lost in a sea of glares and expectations. You should know what you’re doing. How come you don’t remember that. It’s dreadful. People expect me to be one thing, when reality I’m just not capable. At least not yet. Or not in my current state.
I’ve spent so much hiding from myself that I’ve lost sense of myself too. Making mistakes I usually wouldn’t. Eating and drinking the things I wouldn’t otherwise. Watching. I feel so desperate to rediscover that I’m digging a deeper hole. One even writing cant pull me out of. Or maybe it is and that’s why this post is coming together. I dunno. I talk to myself a lot. Some people ignore the inner voice within, and I try not to. But having the self confidence in doing so in spite of others is no easy feat.
It feels good to get this out.
Until next time.