More Afraid Of “Yes” Than “No”?

I hate change.

I wake up the same time: between 6-7am

wear (basically) the same clothes: some combination of jeans, T shirt, and jeans

eat the same food: eggplant wraps, sandwiches, fruits, salads, occasional fast food, donuts

do the same thing: work, write, read, watch the news

listen to the same music: Fall Out Boy, panic! At The Disco, Ariana Grande, Demi Lovato, Nicki Minaj (she’s my queen)

 

The only change recently that I’ve actually welcomed is my friend counter going from zero to one with the addition into my life a very sweet and funtastic girl named Rosa.

 

I’m more aware of what makes me tick, and that has helped me cope when change does come, but it doesn’t take away the defensive mechanisms I was born with. I still get extremely emotional (mostly anger, even when the change benefits me) and it takes me some time to process it all. You can give me a second or three years and I’ll still respond the same. I would rather things just stay the same, and I know that would make this world very bland, but that’s me.

 

This brings me to why I wrote this to begin with: the girlfriend question. I’ve never had one, probably won’t ever have one, and wouldn’t know how to process it if I did have one. I few weeks ago I was thinking about an article topic, and this thought ran across my mind: “am I giving off energy that keeps me from having a girlfriend because I’m more afraid of yes than no?”

 

See, if I pursue a girl and she says no to me, then that’s fine. I’m a teenage black autistic poet (weird combo to say the least) I’m used to rejection. But if a girl says yes, that’s when problems arise. I’ve never had one before, so what do you call that? CHANGE. Not that I would ever be opposed to the idea, but my mental wiring would resist it (even if she looked like Kate Upton). I realized that while my heart would love it, my head hates it, and that’s why it hasn’t happened.

 

As I’ve talked about in some of my poems, I’ve deeply considering giving up. I realized that would never do because it’s never right to give up on something that is good. For now, I’ll keep trying. The wall has to come down eventually. What if, through trial, error, and repetition, I can make my brain more accommodating to change? (that sounds wrong but I needed to write it) I’m not a scientist, but I’m not going to call it impossible until I haven’t done it.

 

Until next time 🙂