More Afraid Of “Yes” Than “No”?

WAMTAC

I hate change.

I wake up the same time: between 6-7am

wear (basically) the same clothes: some combination of jeans, T shirt, and jeans

eat the same food: eggplant wraps, sandwiches, fruits, salads, occasional fast food, donuts

do the same thing: work, write, read, watch the news

listen to the same music: Fall Out Boy, panic! At The Disco, Ariana Grande, Demi Lovato, Nicki Minaj (she’s my queen)

 

The only change recently that I’ve actually welcomed is my friend counter going from zero to one with the addition into my life a very sweet and funtastic girl named Rosa.

 

I’m more aware of what makes me tick, and that has helped me cope when change does come, but it doesn’t take away the defensive mechanisms I was born with. I still get extremely emotional (mostly anger, even when the change benefits me) and it takes me some time to process it all. You can give me a second or three years and I’ll still respond the same. I would rather things just stay the same, and I know that would make this world very bland, but that’s me.

 

This brings me to why I wrote this to begin with: the girlfriend question. I’ve never had one, probably won’t ever have one, and wouldn’t know how to process it if I did have one. I few weeks ago I was thinking about an article topic, and this thought ran across my mind: “am I giving off energy that keeps me from having a girlfriend because I’m more afraid of yes than no?”

 

See, if I pursue a girl and she says no to me, then that’s fine. I’m a teenage black autistic poet (weird combo to say the least) I’m used to rejection. But if a girl says yes, that’s when problems arise. I’ve never had one before, so what do you call that? CHANGE. Not that I would ever be opposed to the idea, but my mental wiring would resist it (even if she looked like Kate Upton). I realized that while my heart would love it, my head hates it, and that’s why it hasn’t happened.

 

As I’ve talked about in some of my poems, I’ve deeply considering giving up. I realized that would never do because it’s never right to give up on something that is good. For now, I’ll keep trying. The wall has to come down eventually. What if, through trial, error, and repetition, I can make my brain more accommodating to change? (that sounds wrong but I needed to write it) I’m not a scientist, but I’m not going to call it impossible until I haven’t done it.

 

Until next time πŸ™‚

 

 

29 thoughts on “More Afraid Of “Yes” Than “No”?

  1. This was really familiar to me and I totally get that you feel you might be scared more of a yes. Fearing change and hating it has always been a shadow of mine, always there to rub it in my face when it appears change is coming or change has come. You are so amazing and I’m sure someday you’ll find the one who will not care about alone troubles that come with Autism and I’ll cheese for you then even if I no longer have WordPress or any connection to you. You are so mature it ‘s insane and that’s an amazing trait as well. And although this post was serious the right about the girl looking like Kate Upton made me giggle in the middle of math class. When I find that mischievous reblog button I’ll punch it AGAIN for this post. πŸ’™πŸ’™

    Liked by 2 people

          1. JROTC. It’s a class that’s all about the military and I’m only taking it for a PE credit that I need to gradute and I realltsuck at anything physical and memory size and it’s A LOT of physical stuff and memory as well as it takes focus and with my ADHD let’s just say it doesn’t want ot be friends with JROTC. I’m always messing up and tripping and falling and freezing up due to my social and regular anxiety when I’m doing just about anything. I hate he class but getting out is not an option due to the fact my only other options are athletics, dance, cheer, and matching band which all spell out NOPE. I would of been in regular PE, but the school board removed it from the courses.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate so much to this and I don’t have Aspergers. I don’t like change either but I am realising change doesn’t have to be huge and overwhelming. Change can be an adventure if you keep it small and manageable, like wearing one different item or eating a mouthful of something different.
    After all, every great journey starts with one little step followed by another.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are so wise and thoughtful. I can only speak from my perspective, as someone with anxiety and depression, but I think you are right. You will figure it out with practice. It’s kind of how I have to deal with change, which includes things that make me happy. Happiness is not a normal state of mind for me, so when I feel happy or content, I get anxious, I’m not used to it… So I just keep practicing. ❀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you. I feel like experience makes us all wise, in one way or another. And yes, I’d say that giving you anxiety is not too far from what I go through. Surprises, even good ones, startle me.

      Appreciate you stopping by πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I was well over 17 before my first serious relationship and much because of the same reasons as you have said here.

    I also have change, people constantly call my life boring but that’s how I like it. I eat the same stuff, watch the same shows, and wake up and go to bed at the same time each day. My routine sounds a lot like yours.

    On top of that I used to love writing poetry.

    Glad to have met you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. fear is a double-edged sword. on the one hand the baby needs to know hot burns and so doesn’t touch the stove again. on the other hand, fear can be the great paralyzer. question: if you are not afraid of rejection, what’s the worst that can happen if a girl says yes?

    Like

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