The Problems With Aspergers and Shame

 

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As me, Devereaux, I do a lot of things. I work at a coffee and donut shop. I write poems on the way to and from work. I listen to Fall Out Boy and watch American Dad. I read books and talk to my best friend about school and teenage life. I run this blog while submitting to various magazines, websites, and hope to have my poetry anthology published. I watch the Chiefs during the NFL season. As me, the aspergian, I do things I probably wouldn’t do if I weren’t.

 

Sometimes it’s because I feel the need to fit in. Despite being very understanding of my position in life, I still find the urge to want to be like everyone else. Five years later, and I still feel less than. Maybe it’s because I’m on the societal crust, but I’m just not always okay with being on the outside. I’ll push myself into places, conversations, and the like so I don’t feel standing alone. It’s easy to pick on the stragglers, so if I look like everyone else, nobody will suspect me. At least that’s the thinking. The problem is when I go overboard (on a personal note, I know no moderation. I either do too much or too little of something) people start to suspect things anyway. There was one time I was with this group, and I only talked to this one girl. I didn’t think anything wrong about it at the time, but then I realized how I distanced myself by picking and choosing who to talk to. As an aspie, I didn’t realize that people began to question my true intentions, and ultimately I pushed them away.

 

Other times I do things to prove a point. I’m extremely vocal about my condition, and I take it seriously. When people talk about autism and make jokes about it, I take it personally. I see how the media portrays us, and sometimes I take it in my own life to prove them wrong. I walk when told to run, and vice versa, because I’m not what they think we are. This usually leads to disaster, because I’m putting myself in situations that I might not even be ready for. I used to make friends with questionable people just so I could prove that people with aspergers can make friends. I now realize I was being dumb, but when you’re young you make those types of decisions. I didn’t want to be your stereotypical autistic.

The downside (if there is one) to being very aware about my condition is that I know immediately when I’ve done something very (for the lack of better words) anti-neurotypical. I’ve become very aware of my stutters, mildly incoherent sentences, or just plain silence when I really need to say something. It’s very uncomfortable, and the worst part is I know people are just as conscious of it as i. I’m not trying to, but I can’t avoid it, and once you’ve done it, like you can’t go back and fix it.

Maybe it’s not so much shame, but not being fully okay being myself, but that’s how it feels. Like I’ve done something wrong. I guess I still have a lot of growing to do.

 

Until next time

19 thoughts on “The Problems With Aspergers and Shame

  1. I used to try to fit in, be like everyone else, mostly because that what I was taught at home, to imitate others. I used to think of myself as a freak. I was terrified of being caught flapping in public, like it was a dirty secret, like I’ve committed a crime.

    When I found out about Asperger, I stopped being embarrassed. I don’t care if I’m seen flapping in public. I’m glad to say I no longer try to fit in. It’s too much trouble. It’s such a relief no to have to pretend anymore. I know who I am, and I’m not ashamed of it.

    If God didn’t want me to be like that, he wouldn’t have made me like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Omg this is so well written. Followed πŸ™‚ I also aspire to spread awareness of neurological diseases through the love of FOOD in Singapore, Nigeria and other parts of the world πŸ™‚ Do also check out my first post and read my blog at http://autismandeats.wordpress.com Here’s to a great friendship. Appreciate it ❀️

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  3. Great Post I hope you will continue to post, as I think my daughter may be high functioning Autisic, Asperger… She is ADHD and likes to live in her own world as it is now. I have a lot to learn if I am to help her understand herself!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Needing to fit in and be like everyone else is a totally normal thing for anyone to feel and I’m sure it has made all of us do things we may be embarrassed about after. It is part of being human.

    Don’t forget to celebrate your uniqueness, there is no one just like you. You are one of a kind and the labels we all wear just add to our individuality!

    Out here on the fringes of society is where you will meet all the most interesting people, the ones who speak their truth and show you life from a different viewpoint. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I love your honesty and agree with others above, that even neurotypicals who appear to have it all worked out, really don’t. I appreciate it’s even more testing for you though. Glad you have a best friend. You are lucky, as many people don’t.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I too have tried to fit in and been rejected. I learned to value my own company and a few friends. I think you are doing wonderful with your poetry. Value yourself because God does!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Very much understand. I am nearly 40 and still have much growing to do. Honestly, everyone does, even those neurotypicals who seem to have it all together. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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