Panic Stricken Heart Of A Lonely Autistic

Staring at sunlight

falling behind fading clouds

as the crickets sing each other to sleep

I turn away from the world

slide down the wall

trying to feel where the breaths hurt

the floorboards creaking

and the backdoor shaking

brings back memories

I tried to put them out

no amount of rent could cover the charges

of eighteen years of pain

but they don’t listen to me, they don’t care

they made fun of my name

Fearing the worst, I back into a corner

putting my hands in front of my eyes

maybe they’ll take me

take me away for good this time

that’s foolish, because they never do

enough hate to paralyze you

but just enough love to open you up

to make you do it all again

the lights outside try to find me

but I’m hidden in the deep

you can call my name

but I’m hidden in a dream

the rabbit hole

that never ends

the doctor who said I was healed

was playing pretend

I live life one third open

and three-fourths closed

hating your presence mostly

but secretly wishing

 you’ll take me home

to a place of sunshine and clouds

flowering fields and trees

to happily cry under

and removing the doubts

that have plagued me for so long

I, finally, can lift my head

and sing a happy song

If only such a place

existed in my world

If only…


13 thoughts on “Panic Stricken Heart Of A Lonely Autistic

  1. What heart wrenching words you write. I spent a life time in misery, knowing something was wrong. In my 50’s now, it’s only just coming to light that I am Aspie (female), apparently we do it slightly differently, but it amounts to the same loneliness and isolation. I feel it’s been a wasted life, but working on moving forward with this revelation. Your words, although, so sad, give me comfort that we’re here, in the world, all Aspies together.

    I’m soaking up lots of books about the condition (I know now I’m being Aspie by imparting information:) I recommend this one (of many.) ‘Very late diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder)’ by Philip Wylie.

    Keep sharing your beautiful words.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Beth (you changed your pic I see)
      You’re not the first to say that, and I’ll tell you what I told the other: I’m fine. I’m just working out some things in my head that I usually keep to myself, but this time felt better off writing instead. I don’t really have anything, but there’s this writers group I might be joining.

      Liked by 1 person

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