I’m having a bit of an internal struggle. Nothing new being an Aspergian, but this is more of a practical struggle than an emotional/mental thing.
Or maybe it isn’t. You tell me.
My sister and I were talking about life, and how the Teen Art Council we’re in only has a few more meetings before ending. There’s a couple girls in the group I like (but haven’t tried to make a move on, even though I’ve been there since September), but my sister made a point I haven’t thought of in a while.
“After its over, what are you going to do?”
School, I reply.
“But you can’t just have school and work. You need to have social events”
That’s where the aspie in me started screaming. No, I don’t need social events. I haven’t really had any since I started writing like crazy. I used to go to various library events, but I outgrew them. I was in a writers group I really enjoyed, but burned every possible bridge when I wrote a poem about myself discovering aspergers but what the group facilitator saw as a condemnation of the group, and currently, the Teen Arts Council. I don’t have any friends, so I’m attached to anything in that way. Simply put, if I’m not working, I’m at home reading, writing, or keeping the house in order. Not a bad life, but I turn 18 July first.
Maybe my sister is right?
That leads me to the hard part: I don’t know what to do. I mean, I do, but signing up/showing up to events destroys every last defense mechanism I’ve built up as someone who lives on the spectrum. I’m not anti-social, I’d just rather not do social stuff if I don’t HAVE to. So, I signed up for a few writers groups I found in Baltimore that didn’t conflict with my work schedule. Still, I’m torn. I want to put myself out there, and I don’t. See, nobody knows just how hard it is for me to be social. I literally have to work at it. Asking me to be part of a group is like asking a fish to jump rope.
The biggest thing that makes me hesitant to pursue social events is my past failures. I’ve messed up so many times before I don’t feel like getting embarrassed and dissapointed again. I replay events over and over in my head, and I’m reminded of how terrible I am outside of a book, computer, or the four walls of my home and workplace. I’m not like most people my age in nearly every possible way, and even when I find somewhat like-minded people, I still fail. It’s taking a plastic fork to a fight against robots.
So what do I do: Try to go as long as I can without being social? Or throw myself into the fire I hope I come out with at least one of my limbs on the other side? The desire is there, but the tools to make it happen are not. I’m losing faith in my ability to keep this thing going. That’s why I stopped doing a lot of the things I did. I got tired of wasting your time because I knew it was never going to amount to anything. Nothing real, anyway, just me pretending to be someone that I’m not and the person on the other hand unaware that I’m really not that kind of guy. I try to be, but I got tired of pretending. My entire life outside my home is nothing but pretending. Pretending to be normal. Pretending to understand social cues. Pretending to want friends. Pretending to be anything more than what I am: An Aspergian who’s nearly an adult and all I can do is write, blog, read books, and work a fun but very “cool” job. I’m successful in my own ways, but none of those ways are going to get me anywhere in a world built around people skills, kissing asses, and constantly shifting schedules….
Save the phone calls for people who are really going to do something for you, because I’m not.
Since I’m on the topic of my (equally satisfying as it is shitty) life, I passed the GED, so once I get my diploma it’s on to college! Also, starting July 28 I’ll be posting once a month for Tanya at tanyatale.wordpress.com. It’ll be a new experience because I’ve only written one blogpost ever with the direct intent for it to be published on someone else’s website, so I’ll come out with a new skill.