Autism Awareness Month Post Eight: I’ve Got Troubled Thoughts, And A Self Esteem To Match

One of my favorite Fall Out Boy lyrics, “I’ve got troubled thoughts and a self esteem to match” matches perfectly with my inner dwellings as someone with Aspergers. I’ve always had issues with doubt, confidence, poise, and joy. I mean, it’s hard to believe in yourself when every time you go out you laugh at something serious, and then miss a simple joke. It’s hard to hold your head high when you’ve grown up with people laughing at you,  believing you’ll never amount to anything.

Eventually, you try to take some action, either good or bad. I thought about committing suicide, clearly the wrong choice, but I wouldn’t be the first, and sadly, I wouldn’t have been the last. There’s not enough aspergian voices out there. The lovely Marisa Ulrich, Beth at amileinmyshoes, and Laina at The Silent Wave are some of the greatest voices I’ve ever heard, but we need more. So for my eight post of Autism Awareness Month, I wrote a poem some of things I’ve had to fight internally as an aspergian.

 

I know I’m ugly

but I wake up everyday

I know I’m shy

but I give my all on Friday afternoons

I know by BMI is too high

but I sweat it out every night

in tears, in words

I pen the pain

in the sun, in the rain

to make this soul feel good again

if you could see inside this heart

you’d know, you’d know

if you could see inside this heart

you’d know the flow

of this autistic mood

and coming soon to screens near you

is an Aspergian

with a chip on his shoulder

the size of Boulder

Colorado

and hidden under shyness and fears

is a growing bravado

beyond my years

born and raised

by those who still don’t know

why sometimes I’m fast

and why sometimes I’m slow

why I can have thousands of followers

who’ve never seen my face

yet fail to make friends

whom I see face to face

why I can write poetry

that can bring a room to its feet

yet fail to notice her smile

and hands, ready to reach

why I go through all of this

I don’t know

so many have taken their lives to be free

that I know

yet here I am

day after day

trying to learn new tricks

and maybe make a friend, or two

one day

I’ll understand it all

but for now, I’ll keep writing

and pouring out this heart

and thanking all you commenters

who in this journey take a daily part

keep calling that girl,

despite the bad reception

and maybe build up

a long lasting connection

for now, I’ll keep living

for all those

too afraid to speak

the dark words that condemn

the profession

 

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