One of my favorite Fall Out Boy lyrics, “I’ve got troubled thoughts and a self esteem to match” matches perfectly with my inner dwellings as someone with Aspergers. I’ve always had issues with doubt, confidence, poise, and joy. I mean, it’s hard to believe in yourself when every time you go out you laugh at something serious, and then miss a simple joke. It’s hard to hold your head high when you’ve grown up with people laughing at you, believing you’ll never amount to anything.
Eventually, you try to take some action, either good or bad. I thought about committing suicide, clearly the wrong choice, but I wouldn’t be the first, and sadly, I wouldn’t have been the last. There’s not enough aspergian voices out there. The lovely Marisa Ulrich, Beth at amileinmyshoes, and Laina at The Silent Wave are some of the greatest voices I’ve ever heard, but we need more. So for my eight post of Autism Awareness Month, I wrote a poem some of things I’ve had to fight internally as an aspergian.
I know I’m ugly
but I wake up everyday
I know I’m shy
but I give my all on Friday afternoons
I know by BMI is too high
but I sweat it out every night
in tears, in words
I pen the pain
in the sun, in the rain
to make this soul feel good again
if you could see inside this heart
you’d know, you’d know
if you could see inside this heart
you’d know the flow
of this autistic mood
and coming soon to screens near you
is an Aspergian
with a chip on his shoulder
the size of Boulder
Colorado
and hidden under shyness and fears
is a growing bravado
beyond my years
born and raised
by those who still don’t know
why sometimes I’m fast
and why sometimes I’m slow
why I can have thousands of followers
who’ve never seen my face
yet fail to make friends
whom I see face to face
why I can write poetry
that can bring a room to its feet
yet fail to notice her smile
and hands, ready to reach
why I go through all of this
I don’t know
so many have taken their lives to be free
that I know
yet here I am
day after day
trying to learn new tricks
and maybe make a friend, or two
one day
I’ll understand it all
but for now, I’ll keep writing
and pouring out this heart
and thanking all you commenters
who in this journey take a daily part
keep calling that girl,
despite the bad reception
and maybe build up
a long lasting connection
for now, I’ll keep living
for all those
too afraid to speak
the dark words that condemn
the profession
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
HURTING—BUT INCREASINGLY WELL-KNOWN! BE AS WELL AS POSSIBLE EACH DAY—MAYBE DISCOVER A FEW MORE CHICKS TO BEFRIEND??? 🙂
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Ha ha ha maybe? lol
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You’re welcome!
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Yes, keep writing! This is so beautiful and raw, my friend.
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Thanks Marisa 🙂 I appreciate that
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Troubled thoughts, but thoughtful nonetheless.
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Thanks Daria 🙂
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More wonderful poetry, Devereaux. You do more than you know when you share your journey. And it is a journey, keep going. 🙂
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Thanks Peach. I appreciate you being so supportive of me on here 🙂
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Reblogged this on Creative Writing Reblogged.
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You are a great poet. Thank you for your words….
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Thank you, and you’re welcome 🙂
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Yes, keep calling her. Maybe the reception will be better in the new house. 😉
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Very good point 🙂 And don’t worry I will
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😉
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