I Have Aspergers, And I Hate Myself Most Of The Time

32

 

So, where did we leave off

My eyes always drift

to the edges of the room

which is probably why everything

always seems to end so soon

Oops, I guess I forgot to say

that I have Aspergers

so I really don’t understand your way

I’m on the autism spectrum

and I hate myself most of the time

I hate having no intuition

and struggling around my peers

While others are deep in conversation

I sit in a corner, trapped by lumbering fears

I hate not looking into your eyes

and as you wonder what’s wrong with me

I wonder why

I hate being the last to speak, the last to be heard

because I hate the crowd, and stray from the herd

to the edges of the fields to think

I hate being so obscene in the wake of surprise

awakening a manic rage

and other times, I cry

But over it all

I hate how helpless I feel

being so unable to control my emotions

and my motions

drive people away

Tap

tap

tap

I hear what you say

but don’t hear what you mean

Tap

tap

tap

I hear what you say

but is it what it seems

What is a birthday suit

Why did he can a human being

I seem stupid and clueless

helpless and hopeless

weak and weary

and at times I’m all of those

and none

at the same time

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28 thoughts on “I Have Aspergers, And I Hate Myself Most Of The Time”

  1. I echo the first comment. As I said in my last comment, yes you have some rough things to work with in life but don’t ever let go of the positives of who you are. You have some amazing gifts. Play to your strengths. My oldest with Asperger’s loves to write and act. Seek out opportunities to do what you love. My son found it so much easier to talk to people who had similar interests. You’re an amazing young man regardless if you have Asperger’s or not.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I’m not sure I can say anything that will help ease your pain. But I’ll try. Your poetry is beautiful, and relevant and insightful. And even if your brain is wired in ways that lots of people’s aren’t, and even if sometimes it’s hard to just show up and participate, your presence is the important part. Sending you encouragement and support today!!

    Liked by 3 people

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