Hey Dad, (Not That You Actually Care, But..)Changing Routines Hurts Aspergians…

nano

Well, my Dad has officially given up on this family. He hasn’t talked to us in days, and won’t return texts, emails, or calls. Considering his past of abuse, neglect, adultery, drug addiction, and fraud it’s the least of surprises. Still, no child should EVER have to wake to the realization that their dad doesn’t care about them anymore. I mean, it’s awful. Even though I’ve seen him walk out multiple times, it doesn’t change the fact that each one hurts. He doesn’t care (he’s a narcissist), but that doesn’t mean everyone else isn’t affected.

I stopped being close to him when I was seven or eight, after he gave me a hernia and I started to realize the demon he actually was. After that, it was all defense for me as I uncovered secret after secret and lie after lie. I personally uncovered two of his girlfriends, and time at home was spent discovering bottles of alcohol, drugs, pornography (that’s where I got it from 😦 ), and letters saying that he owed the state money, along with turn off notices. All the while he kept up this façade that he was this perfect dad and we just ungrateful kids. He knew I was catching on, and I gained more and more confidence with every page turned. One day, I uncovered cigars, paraphernalia, and lighters in his backpack. I didn’t say anything, but noticed that every night he came home, the house smelled like smoke. What idiot smokes inside their home? This one did, and worse yet, he didn’t try to bathe or anything, so he wreaked all the time. Another time, he called out my mom for eating some chicken (she’s a vegetarian, but who the hell is perfect?) so rudely and callously that I went off on him. I had enough. He enjoyed picking with my mom and sister, and I love them to bits. I defend those close to me very dearly, and he learned that day. He never again trued to talk about them, at least not in front of me.

So why all this? Because I’m angry. Because once again he gets to do what he wants without any consequences. Because he can pick and choose when he wants to be a father. Because he’s gotten to abuse me and then pretend to be friends the next day, yet get mad at me when I call him on his past. Because I’m tired of some stranger coming in and out of my life who claims to be my dad. Because I’m tired of the DUI’s, speeding tickets, and text messages from random women. Why do I have to find this? Why did I have to be the one to find his porn, and then get addicted to it?

Running

at a loss for words

Symbols of coming pain

Thunderheads leading to acid rain

Never heeded

Concern? Never needed

Stabbed in the back

Blood smeared on the railway track

One eye blue, one eye black

While one devours life

getting fat off the toils of others

he forgets where he’s come

So-called friends place each other high on pedestals

but when the storm comes they look like fools

The bigger they are

the harder they fall

and I’ll be sure

to see of it

Hammer in one hand

Knife in the other

Don’t take a step, motherfucker

I can take so much

before I have to give

Do you really want to see

my raging arms cover the width

of bones and skulls?

That’s what I’ll do

for what you did

treated royals like dogs

And now I hunt

under the cover of fog

the alluded protection you thought you created

when you betrayed the one you dated

Children becomes princes

and princes become kings

when the sword crushes the heart

and the bell of the reaper rings

 

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10 thoughts on “Hey Dad, (Not That You Actually Care, But..)Changing Routines Hurts Aspergians…”

  1. A parent abusing their child, be it emotion, physical or what ever form, is the most damaging experience any person can have. Such an experience (unfortunately repeated often) undermines the very core of one’s identity and self perception. That message clearly comes through in your post.

    Liked by 2 people

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