Flashbacks: What People Don’t Know About This Aspie

I’m extremely self-conscious about the things I do, as with my horde of extremely awkward Aspie tendencies I’ve become very aware of when I’m crossing the line. I know other people know, and the combination of self awareness and peer pressure, I find public outings to be the bane of my existence. People too. There’s nothing I’d love more than to walk for miles and miles without having to interact with anyone. Unfortunately, that’s impossible in the current world, and I’d probably wind up dead sooner rather than later. It’s just that people vex me, and it goes FAR beyond regular annoyance (like anti-Trump protests or homeless people who urinate on public transportation). It’s like ripping your own insides out, organ by organ, and everyone in the world is watching you do it. The sad thing, and many neurotypicals don’t understand this, is that every interaction we have to make with other people reveals who we really are. We can only hide for so long, and a simple “hi” destroys every wall that many (myself included) of us try so hard to keep tall.

So what does this have to do with flashbacks? Well, they’re a useful tool I use. While more painful than the original experience (because everything happens slower in your mind), I can learn what to and not to do from my flashbacks. I’ve yet to have anyone tell me I said/did something weird (most can’t get past rude/standoffish/etc.), and because you neurotypicals don’t ever say what you mean (a serious pet peeve of mine, sorry), I’m stuck doing the work myself. The following poem is a flashback, and maybe you can learn as much as I did…

Paint a picture

without one color

and she’ll still be

unlike any other

I run out of words

that’s for certain

when trying to describe

perfection, that’s a burden

but I see her in my mind

and everything is clear

but I don’t want her to see mine

full of sadness and fear

She’d never understood

why I am

why I write so much

why I love this land

Just a fantasy, Frazier

nothing more

yet I’m unexplainably giddy

when I hear the door

Could it be her

come again

ready to forget old

and make amends?

Don’t mind me

if I do

but I wanted to say

I love you

for all that you’ve done

all that you do

All my lies

and what you knew

told I was untrustworthy

and that is true

But I’ve changed

for the better