College: Why I’m Incapable Of Functioning In This World

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I’m not going to spend many words on this, because it’s pretty simple.

My college experience lasted a big ‘ol two days. Why? Because I’m so stupid I didn’t realize when the financial aid advisor says “you can’t register for classes unless you have a GED or High School diploma”, you don’t then proceed to go to classes, rack up a $1700 bill, and buy over $100 worth of books. Books that I’m not even going to use. So, all that excitement is now a shitty, god-awful feeling that makes me feel like I’m utterly incapable of functioning in this world.

OH WAIT. I’M NOT.

Beyond the complete embarrassment and disappointment is the heart of all my problems: I can’t function in the world in it’s current format. I can’t get a job, I can’t make friends, I can’t even get along with people long enough to become friends, I can’t convince people of anything because I’m too shy and thus seem a nonbeliever myself, I can’t stand up for myself and usually let people run over me than speak up…the list goes on. When I was younger, I could get by with youth, or with the protection that family offers, but as I’ve gotten older, I have less of that protection and the world really gets to see the shitbag that I am. I CAN’T EVEN REGISTER MYSELF FOR A FUCKING COLLEGE COURSE THAT I NEED DAMN IT. But it goes back much further. In an interview for State Farm, when asked my biggest weakness, I said “working with people”. And to think I got upset for them not calling back.

“No shit genius. You’re applying for a people-centered position and your biggest weakness is people. Dumbass.”

I don’t know if I need therapy or a bullet, but there’s only so much of this I can take. The failures keep mounting, and I don’t have an answer. It’s been four years since I learned I’ve had Aspergers, and my biggest achievement is this blog. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. I can write and tweet all day, but I can’t do anything that helps my family, or my future, and I feel awful about it. I’m at a loss for any useful words.

At least since this fiasco is over, I can go back to reading everyone’s blogs 😦

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46 thoughts on “College: Why I’m Incapable Of Functioning In This World”

  1. Oh how frustrating and disappointing for you, I’m only just starting to catch up with the few blogs I care about. Are there other ways of studying to look at? Your experience and voice is such a valuable wonderful addition to the world, so don’t ever give up – and be kind to yourself! You are far from incapable, in fact a sensitive individual such as you seem to be.. requires more strength and self belief and faith in the world than others – there are many people who recognise and admire your gifts, my friend!

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      1. I do relate to how you feel, but don’t be too hard on yourself. One of the best things about knowing what your Aspie difficulties are, is knowing or thinking about what might help in those particular areas. Sometimes, we think we can just take the world in one go.. and put on a mask, and a brave face.. to be strong and succeed, but without allowing for the breaks we need and maybe some support, adjustments, accommodations? Or at least to be kind to ourselves, when things get too hard. One of aspie strengths is focused energy and the ability to research whatever knowledge we need to acquire. Be patient, give yourself permission to take things one step at a time, to be wrong, or fail even (that is what happens to everyone, but we feel it worse, as perfectionists and sensitive). Personally, I don’t think you failed, I think it’s a tough education system, and I wish there was a mentor there who could remind you that you can achieve your goals and support you there. I wish you well. Take care, Katerina

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  2. I think this is what you kind of alluded to in your previous post about going to college…if i remember correctly. I know you find it tough to ask questions and want go your own way, but I seriously suggest talking to someone for many reasons. Find the right person and i know things can change. We all need someone to lean on, no matter how tough it is. 😉

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  3. Devereaux, take it from a nearly 39 year old lady. We all go through struggles in attempting to find ourselves-especially those of us on the spectrum. It took me two decades of beating my head against the wall to get where I am now. I am proud of my little handful of articles, my growth, my book, yes, but STILL I struggle. So many things I have yet to dare to do. Some that have taken a lot of baby steps to accomplish. Some I am fairly certain I may never do. But, that is okay. I am me and I am learning more daily what is best for me, as well as what it is not. I am learning not to compare my timetable with anyone else’s. And teaching my kids the same. Your dreams may be delayed by circumstance, but don’t give up. They are never out of reach as long as you keep stepping. If it helps, make yourself a list-practical steps to take to get you closer to your goals. And, then, give yourself time to reach them. If you can find a counselor you are comfortable with, that can be helpful, too. Hugs and prayers. You are talented, bright man. You’ve got this.

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  4. Oh, Devereaux, I wish this had gone well for you, and hopefully your mom can help you get refunds. I can tell how alone you feel and that is a shitty way to feel for anyone. I think some counseling may help. Most people I know, including myself, have taken advantage of counseling at some time in our lives. Think about your goals and take them with you to a counselor. Perhaps there is an Asperger’s association in your area that can help you find a counselor who understands your challenges, your shyness and frustration. And don’t shy away from group counseling if it’s offered. It’s powerful and my be just what you need to break the barriers that are preventing you from being all you want to be. So that’s my advice. You are a talented, sweet person full of heart, and you deserve the very best life and love have to offer. ❤

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      1. I know that some families don’t “believe” in counseling, but it’s worth the conversation. I hate seeing you so sad and frustrated, and I honestly believe there is a wonderful life for you out there. You certainly seem to have the heart and the motivation. ❤

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  5. Oh I feel so sad for you 😦 As others have said you’ve not had the guidance to get a grasp of what their requirements are for entry – I see this as a fault with the college. I reiterate what Bluesky above says. You should go speak to a counsellor. Surely they can’t expect you to pay that huge bill when you’ve been there 2 days? Tell them what you’ve told us. You are not a failure. You are gifted and special and you are going places. Yes, education is important but speaking from the here with two degrees and various college diplomas (of which I use none) it is not the end of the line for you. You’ll get there.

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  6. I was wondering if you could speak with a guidance counselor at the college and let them know what you are going through. They will be able to help you. Sometimes you don’t need a GED to enter college. Some colleges let you take a test and if you pass it you can start college under a probationary period. And then after successfully completing a certain number of classes successfully you can automatically earn / get your GED. Especially if it is a community college. Either way, talking to a guidance counselor at the college could be very beneficial for you. I wish you the very best. You are amazing!

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  7. Sorry to hear this, I know the feeling, how hard it must be for you now… if it’s any consolation, just know that you’re a brilliant writer and you still got your whole life ahead of you. It’s never too late and I hope you manage to fulfill your dreams and aspirations. Take care of yourself man, peace.

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  8. You can even get an empathy-style blog hug from a guy…here it is….:) . This is therapy writing…(no kidding…) which I have done on my blog. The professionals say that if you can get it out that’s half the battle. And you don’t have to pay us each five cents….which is what Lucy in the Peanuts cartoon got per consultation! Hang in…you are not alone! Has your Aspergers girl blogger weighed in yet? 🙂

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  9. If you can’t return the books, set them aside and put a stickie note on them that says SOON. Google what you need to do to get your GED; if you need additional classes, figure out where to make that happen. Make a list of steps, like #1. How 2 GED. Add the alphabet if you need to squeeze in an extra step after you’ve made the list, like 3b or 7j. Breathe. Remember you are a good person. Hold on to your dreams and goals. There are a million career aptitude tests–start taking some to see if anything jumps out at you as a possibility.
    Don’t give up. Don’t give up. Don’t give up!
    I went through a rough patch where I was over-qualified and returning to a tight job market in the mid-90’s recession. 224 applications later I got the interview and then the job that led to my dream career. What if I had quit after one rejection? Or two? Or worse, at 223?

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  10. There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s a world gone wrong that makes you feel that way. It forces you to either become like the wrong-doers, or labels you broken and insists you take medication. Fuck that noise. You’re fine as you are.

    You just haven’t worked out what you love doing yet or how to make a bit of coin out of it. That is what you need to get busy on. Cos you might not even need any qualifications for that. Maybe you’re a good poet and can write books, perform poetry live. Maybe you could write novels or short stories and just put them out there and see what happens? Maybe you could moneterise the blog.

    We all make mistakes cos we didn’t know any better at the time – it’s the horrible part about growing up – unles you have real knowledgeable and helpful people to guide you every step of the way, you’re going to step on some landmines. I was on my own with stuff like that too and messed up a lot. You didn’t do anything wrong though man. You tried to do something good but were stopped by rules. Go easy on yourself. You are a normal human being in a fucked up world of money worship is all.

    You’ve just got to work out how to get by in it, make an island for yourself and your particular set of skills and limitations. I learned too late that it’s always better to follow what you love. I destroyed myself trying to fit through holes I wasnt designed for. Im trying to put it right now but it is tough in such a world where youre bombarded by chores and red tape and money demands. But we’ve got to try right?

    Hell, you spelt embarrassment right – that’s quite an achievement at your age. Be hopeful.

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