I’m not going to spend many words on this, because it’s pretty simple.
My college experience lasted a big ‘ol two days. Why? Because I’m so stupid I didn’t realize when the financial aid advisor says “you can’t register for classes unless you have a GED or High School diploma”, you don’t then proceed to go to classes, rack up a $1700 bill, and buy over $100 worth of books. Books that I’m not even going to use. So, all that excitement is now a shitty, god-awful feeling that makes me feel like I’m utterly incapable of functioning in this world.
OH WAIT. I’M NOT.
Beyond the complete embarrassment and disappointment is the heart of all my problems: I can’t function in the world in it’s current format. I can’t get a job, I can’t make friends, I can’t even get along with people long enough to become friends, I can’t convince people of anything because I’m too shy and thus seem a nonbeliever myself, I can’t stand up for myself and usually let people run over me than speak up…the list goes on. When I was younger, I could get by with youth, or with the protection that family offers, but as I’ve gotten older, I have less of that protection and the world really gets to see the shitbag that I am. I CAN’T EVEN REGISTER MYSELF FOR A FUCKING COLLEGE COURSE THAT I NEED DAMN IT. But it goes back much further. In an interview for State Farm, when asked my biggest weakness, I said “working with people”. And to think I got upset for them not calling back.
“No shit genius. You’re applying for a people-centered position and your biggest weakness is people. Dumbass.”
I don’t know if I need therapy or a bullet, but there’s only so much of this I can take. The failures keep mounting, and I don’t have an answer. It’s been four years since I learned I’ve had Aspergers, and my biggest achievement is this blog. I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse. I can write and tweet all day, but I can’t do anything that helps my family, or my future, and I feel awful about it. I’m at a loss for any useful words.
At least since this fiasco is over, I can go back to reading everyone’s blogs 😦