An Aspergian’s Fears About Being Himself

a_northern_light_cover

How the last few days have felt, in one picture

I’m self-conscious (overly) regarding my Aspergers and how it relates to others. I feel when I’m stuttering, or when the anxiety starts rising, or when people start looking at me weird. I just ball up inside and start crying. A lot of times, I actually do. And that probably makes me look like a bigger wuss (or pussy, or whatever people say these days). It’s not something I can control…it’s like a hostile takeover, and it happens everyday. So, feeling possessed (or about to be), I wrote this….

Four walls

and a creaky door

A few windows that groan

is you step too hard on the floor

My home, yeah

my prison

and did I choose this place?

I didn’t

It was given

at birth

and everyday I live

I have to make it work

and it sometimes hurts

because people aren’t as nice

as I’d like

and fewer understand

my plight

this bug

inside my house

this glitch

controlling me, subduing me

and all the while saying

“I’m a new me”

and that’ll never be

cause without this bug

I’m deadbeat

Trying to navigate

this life of mine

Why I can’t make friends

but stay publishing rhymes

Would I give up

these words

to let her voice

be heard?

Would I give up

this pen

if she’d let me

commit a little sin?

Questions

and no answers

there will never be

I had my chances

so just like

everyday

I lose another life

still trying to figure out what’s wrong

and what’s right

with this crazy life I was given

and why I’mΒ driven

to inspire with words

wouldn’t my voice be more easily heard

I don’t want to die alone

I’m scared, friend

If I keep this up

I’ll have to bury my own

I want to find someone

I can call on for a lifetime

not just a body

or a drink when I need a high

Living alone

can test your limits

because you’re the only one

there to witness

Four walls

and a creaky door

questions answered

when I hit the floor

 

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37 thoughts on “An Aspergian’s Fears About Being Himself”

  1. Your work speaks well. It is like a flash back some suffer in many ways, yet the full measure of this is the burden you have to carry. I agree with someone who said anyone who doesn’t understand and who gives you grief over this which you can’t control is not worth your worry. I hope some day your condition doesn’t cause you such pain. I wish you the best. Hugs.

    Like

  2. So damn deep Dev. Beautifully written my friend. We all carry hurt in some way or another. I love this part,

    with this crazy life I was given
    and why I’m driven
    to inspire with words
    wouldn’t my voice be more easily heard

    Liked by 1 person

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