I’m An Alien On The Wrong Planet

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Today was awful. My weekly WAMTAC meeting (read here for more https://marylandpoetblog.wordpress.com/2016/09/09/remembered-for-centuries/) went poorly, and not because of anything anyone did, to me or else. I simply had a nervous breakdown today. I couldn’t talk, I didn’t want to talk, and I added very little to the group. I felt awful not contributing, but I couldn’t make the words come out. I feel like jumping off a bridge and ending it all, and I’m only feeling worse…

 

Come out of yourself

Sure

Surrounded by all these outgoing teens

and then there’s me

When you’re the only one

not talking

You realize

you’re a weakling

nothing

nothing worth anyone’s attention. anyway

So many thoughts

so much to say

but this will always be

the only way

I’m ever understood

and I’m older now

I should be more outgoing

I should

I’ll never get a job

or a wife

otherwise

but often, being personable

is the last thing on my mind

I’m tired

of feeling left out

but when I speak

I feel stupid

shut your fucking mouth

Crazy

how art can bring so

much out of me

so much good

so many words

and even more

the real me

the fucked up me

is left unheard

I want to speak out

but I don’t know how

so I’ll let the others speak

let me seem weak

clueless

this disorder

makes me useless

no girl

is dating a fucking poet

no artist

makes money while they’re alive

I’m as talented as Poe

dying slowly in my Baltimore home

Legendary like Shakespeare

wait, I don’t write erotica

this emptiness

is real

when the only one listening

is you

Fuck, they said this would get easier

life probably broker

and I’m still a loner

 

 

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37 thoughts on “I’m An Alien On The Wrong Planet”

  1. The teenage years, for me, were HORRIBLE. Ugh, so hard. I was shy, introverted, self-concious, insecure, miserable, depressed. So my message to you, Devereaux, is breathe, create, be you, pay attention to the little blessings (like all this blog support – this are real too). These days will end and there is a whole life ahead. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs and prayers. I was this teen, too. I know the hurt all too well. But, keep putting a voice to your feelings in the ways that you can. There is healing in it. And, I just know that one day, there will be that someone who will understand and see what a great person you are.

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  3. Devereaux, listen to me, you will be okay. You will find your place, it just takes time. You are so talented. You are a beautiful soul and I met you for a reason. I love what you do here that’s why I shared your art with others. Don’t give up! I want you to be well. I’m here for you my friend❤

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    1. Hey T, you always find a way to cheer me up a little.
      I think I’m crazy, though. How is that I can write great words and all this good stuff….but I can’t even talk to fellow human beings? It’s frustrating, and disappointing too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That makes me smile if it makes you happy! You are a great writer my friend. And you talk (comment/write words with humans) just fine. I am sorry you view it differently 😦 You are incredible, you just need to believe that. If no one else is telling you this then they’re idiots!!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I can write words to humans just fine, but I can’t actually communicate with them! It’s so freaking crazy. I can’t stand it.
          And the last part…to be fair, I’m not nearly as open around people as I am on the blog, but yeah, a lot of them are idiots.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Aww darlin’ tomorrow will be a new day. You are special, uniquely you. Breathe in and remember that this is a blip of time in your life. You will find where you belong and will make that spot amazing because you are in it. Until that time, remember you are on a journey, have not made it to your destination. xx

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  5. I’m going to add my two cents. Sometimes disorders are not disorders at all, we all function differently. We process things at various speeds. I have issues myself but instead of looking at it as a handicap I turn it into a strength. Public speaking used to scare the bejesus out of me but I kept getting thrown in situations like that in order to get me more comfortable in front of people. I most likely won’t ever be 100% but I’ve grown leaps and bounds and I’m not too bothered anymore. Don’t beat yourself up but learn from each flub that happens. You either grow from it or let it kill you. Choose to grow from it. Remember this road bump is just one moment in the grand scheme of your life. It’s okay. Pick yourself up and keep going.

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  6. Devereaux, I hope you are feeling better than you were when you wrote this. With that said, it’s so beautifully written. I couldn’t write the stuff that you are writing now when I was your age. I was too frightened. I hope you persevere and keep sending your voice outwards. You have words we all want to hear.

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  7. Just a thought, have you tried writing a response instead of talking? You are so articulate here on your blog. Maybe print up some flash cards with standard responses. I am assuming they know about your Aspergers. You shouldn’t have to suffer simply because you feel lonely.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey Brian, thanks for the idea. They don’t, and I’m debating if I should tell them. People may change their opinions of me if they knew, and I don’t know if that would make the situation better or worse.

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      1. I’m the last person who would try to convince you to explain yourself. I don’t go around telling people I’m a multiple personality, but I avoid social situations when I can. Even if the situation becomes worse by telling selected people, or maybe by writing an open letter to them, you are so unhappy right now, that maybe it will take some of the pressure off you. We had no friends when we were your age and felt the utter outcast and failure. I can only urge you to think about what is best for you. Life can be as good as want when you stop trying to live it on other people’s expectations.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. There’s a lot of truth here, Brian. I’m grateful for you taking the time to reach out. My concern is that people might start treating me differently because I’m on the spectrum, and I don’t want that to be my legacy. “The autistic boy” you know? It’s a dilemma that I haven’t found an answer for yet. Maybe I’m just being selfish, or pretentious…

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