Publishing A Book? Inside An Aspergian’s Brittle Heart

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It’s nearly Christmas time, which means I’m trying to stay indoors as much as possible. The holidays exacerbate every last aspergian response possible. First off, the constant music an lights give me headaches. Never mind I hate Christmas music in general(or that’s where the hate comes from), but the flashing lights are a sensory OVERLOAD.

Then, it’s all the people. Stupid Santa’s (creepy as hell), people wishing you merry Christmas, and the manic shopping/spending…I can’t take it. I can’t shop in peace, because somebody has to sharing “Christmas wishes” or asking me what’s my favorite Christmas tradition. I can’t go anywhere without having carols, Jesus, and Jingle Bells shoved down my throat. I’d rather stay inside, listen to the music I want to listen to, and not have to answer the question “Why don’t you celebrate Christmas?”

Mariah Carey is hot, got it, but “All I Want For Christmas Is You” becomes very damp when you realize you can never, ever have her. Sigh. And, Jingle Bell Rock is WAY overrated. And while gingerbread and egg nog everything is delicious, when the cashiers at Starbucks automatically expect that’s what you want, yeah…

On a more personal topic, I’m starting to compile my poetry for an anthology. I’ve looked over all my files, and I feel like I have enough (quality) work to turn it into a book. It’ll be a long process, but I feel very excited about starting it. I’m a bit disorganized with my poetry, though. Since I write on everything, I have to go through all my flash drives and Word documents to make sure I don’t have duplicates, and to ensure I don’t leave out anything. Novel writing isn’t my thing, but as so many of you have told me, poetry IS. I don’t have a timetable on when it might be finished, but hopefully it’ll be done late spring/early summer. Finding an agent, and a publisher, won’t be easy, so I’m giving myself plenty of time to pull everything together.

“…I’m not living for their approval

I’m not living for the person I once knew

I’m dying for everyone on the spectrum

so they can live too…”

This is a quote from one of the songs I wrote, and it’s the essence of why I write, why I started this blog, and why I hope to be a published poet. People say aspergians don’t have a voice, that we’re too shy, too quiet, and easily forgotten. We’ll never truly be part of society, because we’re not personable, friendly, or outgoing. I may be the living embodiment of the worst an aspergian can be, but I want to change those assumptions.For every one of us, I want them to know that it’s not all lost. You don’t have to stay in your autistic closet. Broken cookies really do taste better than whole ones. There’s more in your future than divorce and abuse. Your kids are just as beautiful and intelligent as the next. We can stand together, for all of us. There IS light at the end of this tunnel, and it starts here.

I’m grateful that you all have come to love and appreciate these words from my brittle heart, and I’m thankful that you take the time to comment and interact. You’ve made me a better writer.

And maybe even a better person, too…

 

Wondering if I should press post

I feel things deep, deeper than most

Because I dwell on my feelings

Throwing darts at the ceiling

as I torture my cats

with my off-key singing

I put up a good front

but God knows I’m faking

This brittle heart

is destined for a breaking

I try to take people in

and wind up turning them out

because I let betrayal seep in

I can’t not give in to the doubt

If only you knew

how much it hurt

Maybe you wouldn’t say things

that make me feel I have no worth

Make me feel like I’m not living

because deep down I’m really trying

but your way I’m just not buying

so over your head my words go flying

off to their death, dying

in open air, just like me

loud enough to turn heads

but quiet enough to be forgotten by bed

 

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16 Replies to “Publishing A Book? Inside An Aspergian’s Brittle Heart”

  1. So, I will be wishing you a peaceful and calm Christmas instead of a merry one then 😉
    Awesome that you are planning on publishing your poetry! I have published two poetry books (self pub) and 3 novels now (publisher). It’s a great feeling to hold your work in your hands with your name on the cover, I can tell you that 🙂
    Wishing you lots of success!
    Lots of Love,
    Patty

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Actually 70 poems, 1 novella, 1 novel and 17 short stories and I’m almost finished with my second novella. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like I did that much until I checked. I’ve been blessed to create as much as I have. Hope next year treats me better. I’m changing things up a bit, I’m going to start interviewing people. I like hearing other people’s life stories.

        Liked by 1 person

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