A Simple Aspergian Dream That Seems So Far Away

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I talk a lot on this blog about my shortcomings with Aspergers, mainly how difficult things like making friends and social interaction are. I talk about how hard it is to deal with being left out, because you’re shy or not “cool” enough. It’s hard to fit in, and while it’s not easy watching other people succeed at something while you trip, stumble, and fall over it every time, it doesn’t mean I don’t wish.

I wish a lot.

I’ve wished a lot of things. I wished I killed myself when I was seven. I wish my Dad killed me so I wouldn’t have to look at myself everyday with the same scars, the same sores, and tell myself I’m okay. I wished I’d walk out of the house during a drive-by, so I could put an end to all the pain in my head. I wished I had the courage to string myself up to a tree, or put a bullet in my heart, and rid the world of all my shit, all my failures, and all my inabilities. I wish people would stop trying to be friends with me, so they wouldn’t have to see what’s really inside me, what’s really on this side of the screen that seems to draw in so many. I wish…

In spite of those wishes, I’ve had a few nice ones, too. I wish I was sociable and confident, and I could get a job so I could stop seeing my Mom do it. I wish I was confident, and I could lead group discussions in classes I attend. I wish I was confident and sociable, so I could stand out. I wish I was strong, and didn’t carry the not egregious but noticeable belly fat that I do.  (Started an exercise program to help with that!)

But my greatest wish?

That I could be in a relationship. With a girl. Long-term. Like. Forever.

I want one of those romances that just goes on and on and on. Love that has no age. Love that stretches us thin but fills us and breathes on us. Love that makes you run down city blocks just to see her again. Love that people cry in movie theaters about. Love that people write about. Love that makes people quite addictions. Love that changes the hardest of hearts. Love that cures illnesses. Love that…

I know it probably won’t ever happen, but I can dream. I don’t know what to look for, but maybe she’s looking for me. Maybe she’s already found me, and she’s waiting for the right time. Or maybe she’s waiting for me to come out my shell. If so, she’s damn patient, because it’s been seventeen years and I still can barely get my head out. Maybe it’s false hope, maybe it’s just a fantasy-turned-obsession that will never pan out…

Or maybe it’s real and I’m listening to the doubt, again.

Wherever she is. Until she is. I wrote this…(maybe for her?)

“You had a great night? Awesome, I did too. I’m gonna be so sore in the morning.”

“So, uh, see you next weekend?”

“Alright. Night, Tracy.”

It’s early in the morning, just past three

Happiness, and excited wishes, my company

Walking down your block

as I mind wanders, I’ve over stimulated with thought

I’m really glad I could make you smile

even if it meant running for eight miles

because I know what it means to you

not to just love me, but for me to love you too

Hearing your voice brightens my day

I’d listen to your voice mail and let time tick away

I’m done being a boy

with someone else’s time being another fleeting toy

This life is so new

and of my inexperience, I’m sure you knew

But we don’t care

We just want to enjoy the moment, then and there

We have separate minds

but our hearts are still entwined

I know we might have to be far away,

but I know we’ll find our way

back to where it all began

where you and I first ran

 

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26 thoughts on “A Simple Aspergian Dream That Seems So Far Away

  1. Beautifully sad.
    Don’t ever give up on your dreams, take it from someone who has her dreams shattered more times than she can count. Look what you are doing right here, right now, touching so many people with your words. That itself is an amazing thing. And if you can do that, who knows what else you are capable of?
    Lots of Love,
    Patty

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Dev! this is just beyond beautiful! Sounds to me that you are more alike and have more in common with the general public than I think you really even realize…most of us wish for all that same kind of love its not a usual thing for a person to find but the fact, and I believe this with my whole heart, that you have said it all and thought it all, written it all, you have set the Universe into motion you know. The simple law of attraction my dear friend…I have lived it and had some pretty wild dreams come true. I wonder if it would be something you would be interested in reading about? Its quite amazing to be honest! 🙂 Fantastic writing as usual Dev you never disappoint your readers even in your doubtful moments your writing is simply incredible! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You are truly welcome! sometimes I can not or will not I should say contain my excitement when someone at a young age shows such promise and strength as you do! I understand as much as I can but I do not know for certain what it is you go through but what I do know for certain is your ability to write and express yourself is nothing short of amazing!! in between your doubts Dev please make time to feel proud of yourself for all that you do overcome…how you feel about yourself is so important 🙂

        Like

          1. Its my pleasure Dev…I have never said in so many words I dont think but I have close relations to me that live life with the same struggles that you face. So each time I comment to you it comes straight from the heart truly! 🙂 I was also a foster parent for young children with many different personality traits and special circumstances of all different kinds for a few years after my own daughter got married and moved out so I have seen it all. I hope to relate and understand as best I can. reading your blog helps me become more understanding it really does!

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Aww darling- I hope for you the right one who will see all of your soul and not what lies on the outside alone. Because you truly have a beautiful soul and heart. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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