Aspergers wears the HELL out of me, and a song explaining how

nano

Sorry I couldn’t post anything new last night, but I needed to take some time and write. Much of what I write is for the blog, and I wanted to just write for me last night. I was trying to strain myself of all the stuff about my dad, and focus on more positive things.

So I’m back to Aspergers, which isn’t all positive, particularly when it comes to autistic burnout. Yep, you’ve heard of this term on here before, but I had an extreme case of it today at an end-of-the-year party I attended. I get very overwhelmed in social situations, and because I can’t just say “fuck this shit I’m out”, it makes it difficult to maintain my composure and remain cool. Simply, once I get overwhelmed, the day/night is effectively ruined because I’m usually unable to pull myself together in a timely manner. My public meltdowns also leave a bad taste in the mouths of those around me, which probably explains why people don’t remember me.

I don’t want to remember myself most of the time.

People make me tired. Between the social cues (when a girl looks a you, then looks away, then looks back in your direction), responding to those social cues, the ramifications of choosing to or to not respond to those social cues (usually more social cues), conversation (knowing you really don’t care but want to seem sociable), small-talk (why God?), and everything else, I’m left completely exhausted. So, for tonight’s post, I wrote a song about it…

(If you have an idea of what music might go well with it, leave it in the comments, or if you’re a music producer and like the song, that might be better)

I’m tired

tired

tired

tired

Oh world, can’t you see me?

I’m tired of being tired

I spend the day walking through the blizzard

and the night through the fire

I’m so tired of purging my heart

and sacrificing my emotions

on the world’s insatiable pyre

If I had one wish

it would to not be tired

but in making that wish

I expend my fire

Because wishing

takes hope, it takes guts

and I’m too afraid to trust

I’m tired

tired

tired

tired

Oh world, can’t you see me?

But when you see me, you see a failure

Someone who can’t get it done

You are not a player

You’re too rigid to be a creator

Too shy to be a father

Too anxious to be a leader

You’ll never be good enough

fast enough

quick enough

Well, I’m telling the world

I’ve had enough

I’m sick of being put down

I’m sick of being pushed

to the ground

I’m sick of your hatred

of your fear

because you never know when I’ll be far

or near

You can’t measure me

and you can’t control me

You can’t name me

and you can’t arrange me

So you’re scared of me

Well get ready for war

because I’m ready

I’m so tired

of everything you’ve put me through

And I’m so tired

of your games, always new

But if I did to you

what I want to do

you wouldn’t believe

the things I knew

I’m tired

tired

tired

tired

Oh world, you’re not ready for me

 

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15 Replies to “Aspergers wears the HELL out of me, and a song explaining how”

  1. I love the lyrics! That’d make a great song. I get social burnout too and reach that point very quickly. People are exhausting. I find Christmas stressful, mainly because you’re expected to socialise more. I hate socialising. Yuk πŸ˜– Although I don’t share the ASD diagnosis that you do, I’m an introvert and highly sensitive, so I do relate, and I know there are lots of people out there that do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey – you don’t have to act a certain way for them. I say that your the cool one and they don’t know how to act. Stop thinking it’s always something your doing wrong – because I can guarantee you it’s not. No ones is perfect and you are way cooler than you think friend. Don’t pretend for them

    Liked by 1 person

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